Welcome to
the NOCD Community

21 F, been dealing with pocd for a while now. My pocd mainly revolves around fear of being attracted to teenagers. I’m afraid some of my sexual fantasies suggest that i am a monster even though i would never do anything with anyone underage in real life. I have a lot of fantasies involving guys losing their virginity because male orgasms arouse me and losing your virginity seems like the biggest orgasm one has. Most guys lose their virginity around 16-18 and movies that i’ve used with sex scenes involving losing virginity to fuel some visuals for these fantasies have the characters around 16-18 typically in high school (even though the actors are of age). I have no real life interest in taking someone’s virginity, in fact these fantasies don’t even involve me i’m not even in them and i’m usually just focused on how the guy must feel. im queer and think i generally prefer women, male orgasm fantasies (about virginity or just any other male orgasm) and such are just the quickest way for me to orgasm, and i have to fantasize to orgasm. I’d like to think these fantasies about male orgasms are related to my gender issues, i was a huge tomboy growing up and now feel as i identify with being genderqueer. So i think this explains the fantasies as part of me would find it sexually exciting to lose my virginity but as a guy. when i lost my actual virginity it was very underwhelming and i don’t really enjoy the sensations of having sex with a man. My ocd has made me really worry i just have some sort of teenage boy fetish and that’s why i have these fantasies. Any advice on how to combat these thoughts and fears would be helpful.

It feels like because I think girls are “prettier” that EVERY scenario I try to imagine it would “look” better because of their aesthetic which makes zero sense. Even in regards to sexual stuff and it’s really freaking me out. I DONT CARE ABOUT AESTHETICS OR LOOKS, I DONT CARE IF GIRLS LOOK PRETTIER THEY DONT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD 😭😭

Does anyone else get triggered by astrology? My fiancé and I have been together 4 1/2 years and lately my ROCD is bubbling back up. I noticed it’s really hyper-fixating on the fact that we aren’t in each others love, soulmate, or relationship matches. As if that changes that fact that we love each other and intend on a life long relationship together. It’s driving me crazy. More than anything I hate the gut feelings of fear I get. I fear I’ll leave him and find someone better or vice versa. It’s so stressful

Being a priority always meant being loved for me. It's my way to express feelings too. But not for my bf! He always want space, and doing things alone. This makes me doubt a lot if he loves me or not. But than I realised it is his decision: if he doesn't love me he will leave me,( I can't leave because he doesn't love me, it wouldn't have sense!) But he doesn't make me a priority and doesn't leave me. He loves me without making me a priority. I'm confuse. A lot. Should be like that in couples? You shouldn't be always a priority for the other?

Could use a little help pls.. going through a lot…Its feels like sometimes i want to think about these thoughts like I willingly think of a girl… and my biggest question what is the difference between knowing that i only like the same sex as friends and nothing more like i like the company and emotionally connect with one of my friend the most so what does that mean how do i not know how i like it and if its more than just friends and if i even consider this possibility what does that mean?!? Like miley cirus too and lili reinheart were both happily in relationships but suddenly came out as bi like what does that signify?!? And like being bi is so causal and what does that mean now then?! Like its like i am with a guy and i can be with a girl too and i feel like if i even think of it as a possibility which it could be and me just saying that says a lot right?!? How can i be so confused if who i am?! And then i watched a reel on Instagram saying i wanna be alone my entire life and fir a second i felt like i resonated with it but i have wanted a family always in the past and now it felt like cause I didn’t want to be with the same sex or take that as a possibility cause i am scared i was okay being alone and this all could just prove my denial is true and talking about denial the people who are actually in it would they also feel like us and how are we different to them?! And these days i feel like these thoughts are not bothering me i am just sitting with them if its ocd and extreme i should be panicky and not find these thoughts so possible and like not intrusive and always trying to figure out if it’s intrusive… is it also ocd that there’s this one part of me thats constantly telling me these thoughts are true and one part which feels its true as well but if feel what does that mean and if it feels is it ocd confusing my emotions or actually true like what?!? Will i be able to like a guy like o used to before all this and now someone will say its ocd cause you wrote all this but if i did cause i know how ocd works and i just wanted to play safe like where does this even end… usually its said to be ocd if one has intrusive thoughts and disgusts it and i feel like in the past when i did that was fake and these days cause i know again how its is fake make a face if i get a thought and what is it with like these non sexual thoughts and thinking that this girl is actually fun or pretty cause thats how i would be attracted to a guy in the first place how and what is the difference with the same sex and like what is that boundary and if this is a possibility it could just mean that its showing bi traits and i feel it so strongly because mostly people have it gay or lesbian and cause i have it with the middle it seems more of a possibility like what do i do?!?

I hate that I dread spending time with my partner! I get so anxious that I might lose feelings when we spend time together or that I will say I want to break up or something. Most of the time it feels like ROCD but sometimes it doesn't and its so scary. Then if it isn't that, I obsess over all the mistakes I have made so I feel guilty and like a secret abuser which makes the relationship hard to enjoy too! Does anyone else dread being around their partner because of all the damage ROCD has done or is doing?

We shouldn't provide reassurance to others on this app but I think picking people up on bad days can be helpful in this type of online community. This is especially true for OCD sufferers as the thoughts can make you feel isolated. Do you all agree?

My mood completely changed all of a sudden. I was in a good mood and then remembered more things from my past that are now bothering me. Real event ocd sucks. I hate myself

anyone with ROCD, pls help me i don’t want re assurance but anyone who has recovered from this theme please help me. i’m so scared i don’t love my boyfriend. like when i look at him all i feel is anxiety and i don’t feel the love i should. but like i know love is a choice not a feeling and it’s normal to get into ruts but this is consistent. we have been together for 4 years. and now when i think about him i just get anxious.

Hi. I would love an opinion: Me and my bf, have a really similar personalities and intrest. We get along really well. The difference came out from the fact that I have an anxious attachment (= giving priority and attentions to express my love. I would love to spend all my days with him) but he is avoidant! (=super independent, prefers to do things alone, fears being "strict" in a relationship; have a lot of females friends, ready to take my place). I get really hurt by some behaviours of him, but that he do without giving them the same meaning that I see and that hurts me. He want to solve the problems. But all of that make me question myself: would be better finding someone more compatible with me (I mean, someone that gives to attentions and time spent togheter, the same importance that I give? I would prefer it, I don't want to keep being hurt... but I don't want to broke up with him either... what should I do?? Is that still rocd?

TW. So I had a really hard night last night. Well I guess technically it’s early this morning. I posted about it well actually I commented about it on a post I made like the other day it’s hard to explain. But I went crazy in the comment section of one of my own posts. The previous night I had taken a full dose of Tylenol p.m. which is two tablets woke up saying something that really mess with me saying I like something that I don’t and I just snowballed from there. I had my mom yell at me twice about her being able to hear me. I don’t understand how parents are so arrogant and deluded sometimes. She’s like you go to the bathroom and you do it deliberately so I can hear you I’m like no mom I went to the bathroom because I had to use the restroom and I was still having bad thoughts those two things can happen at the same time you know. It’s like what is it with parents and having like persecution complex is or something like they think their kids do everything to the annoy them it’s just humorous the amount of arrogance parents actually have. And then the genius is wonder where their kids get it from 🙄 But I’m not here to bitch about parent child relationships. That’s probably a different post lol. After I had my bad episode I was trying to calm down trying to just get some amount of sleep so I took a shot of tequila. It had been like anywhere from 4 to 5 hours since I had taken the Tylenol p.m. so I thought it was OK. And admittedly the shots kind of big the glass I mean so it’s probably maybe either a shot or a shot and a half like just judging by the size of the glass I don’t drink alcohol I’ll let much so I wouldn’t be able to accurately say but it was a hefty amount. And so I start to feel the effects and calm down but then I thought of hanging boobs pointy ones and I know I don’t like those. And the other thoughts I’m struggling with in my comment section on the previous post I made it’s still haunting me. And I’m scared I kept thinking nothing anything is sex with in a pair of boobs and I keep saying anything sexier than a pair of hot boots or not hot and I keep thinking of women I’m scared I am I don’t wanna start having a type of developing a thing I don’t have any kind of desire for girls whatsoever like none. And I said nothing anything sexier than that and the thing is I know I like dick and I’m scared I do and that means I don’t want the same sex I don’t want both sexes I know my love for my guys there but I didn’t act like he is and I feel funny because I don’t want more muscle I want my guy and I know he’s there and I don’t want boobs but it’s just for me to I kept smiling saying nothing anything sexier than women and I thought was thinking of their bodies saying nothing and it’s the way I was smiling though scaring me and I’m scared I was basically smiling like a dude and I’m frightened something was happening down there I don’t know if there was no like throbbing there was no swelling but I’m scared of the way I’m smiling I was scared I was feeling like that if you know what I mean and I’m scared that means that I am but I’m not bisexual and I was frightened that I was starting to get like wet like women are but they’re not sexy and when I was finally able to get home and check myself basically nothing was going on. I just don’t like the way I was smiling like a guy women are not sexier than men women are not sexy to me in that capacity at all let alone than the opposite sex. Does anybody think that me combining sleeping pills and tequila might be Contributing to my like facial expressions and shit in a weird mood I’m having? I’m very frightened I don’t like the way you’re smiling over women say nothing when anything is hotter sexier than that women naked or not my thing and I’m starting to feel funny they’re not sexy! OK back to parents being total fucking jack asses. I’m in the kitchen in my apartment. My apartment is like 1200 ft.² it is not small. It’s like. starter home so it’s not like huge or anything but it’s definitely not the typical small apartment. So I’m in my kitchen around the corner from the hallway and my mom‘s room is at the end of the hallway. And I’m not shouting I’m not yelling. I’m speaking either at a moderate voice or lower than that and so I’m using talk to text to post this because I’m just tired and I don’t have the energy to type that stuff. And I’m scared I don’t wanna change into bisexuality I don’t fucking care if it’s not wrong but that’s not the point I’m talking and I would think that it’s probably a normal level and my mom says from her room in the most obnoxious passive aggressive little sing song tone “Catlin I can hear you” I’m not even shouting so why do parents enjoy putting their kids down why do parents crave power dominance and control? Like are they really that feeble? As I feel like only feeble people want that over anyone other than themselves. But it’s like I’m not right outside her door I should be able to talk about stuff without her being such a bitch Anyway I would really appreciate some input but I wouldn’t be surprised if no one comments. I know my stuff is overwhelming

Hi all! I’m fairly new to ERP (October 2021) & I’ve realized that and starting therapy is making this relapse last longer than the previous. My question is, does anyone monitor their thought process throughout the day to avoid ruminating? If so, is that a compulsion? I don’t know how to undo that but that’s how I can limit or stop ruminating. Thanks!

When you guys have flare ups, do you find it hard to eat? I tend to throw up constantly from the anxiety and completely lose my appetite.

Happy Tuesday everyone ❤ I've had a really rough couple of days to be honest with y'all 🥲 Between being stalked and recorded from behind, and getting a flat on the highway after a collision in the dark with a median and having to drive it to the repair shop ON the flat.....my nerves are shot. And my ocd is not helping the situation 🤣 Its times like these where I'm just very grateful for my life. I am grateful to be alive and i am grateful to be able to handle things when i need to :). I know better days are coming, and it is okay to feel what I need to feel right now. Just wanted to share with y'all :) Hope everyone's doing well 💗

Please help me. I have not used this app in months, but I am actually lost. 1.) I have been BEGGING to go back to therapy for my OCD for months. (Around five to six months now) My mom always tells me that she’s doing the best she can or genuinely gets annoyed (it’s like she gets mad when I try to bring it up) the thing is I would understand if she didn’t have the money for me to go back to therapy, but she constant buys food that is the worth of the bill she needs to pay to let me go back into therapy. So basically, she owes my therapist 100 dollars. It’s been six months. She makes a lot of money. She just doesn’t think my OCD is important. 2.) Everything in my life is triggering. It’s to the point where the thought of not doing a compulsion, makes me break down. I try erp, but I don’t think I can without a therapist. I’ve used this app to help me with erp. I need professional help. I feel as if I won’t get help for months ahead. 3.) I am really isolated, and I don’t have a way to socially have contact with irl people. I have a boyfriend and he is pretty much the only person I see outside of family. I’ve been homeschooled for years, so I’ve lost touch with the people I was friends with in school. If I do want to see or do anything (even going to the store for something and sometimes seeing my bf I have to DEEP clean the whole house) the isolation has caused me to not even be able to look at my family in the eyes. I feel so crippled and stuck. What should I do? I’m thinking about telling my mom I need to go to hospital for a long stay. The last time I did that the bill was 12,000, and it was a very traumatic stay, but I am so mentally ill from my OCD. I feel like every option I have is something I’ve tried. Merry Christmas btw if you actually read this. Also you don’t have to pity me or reassure me. If you’d like to comment, please give me advice on how to approach this situation.

I lost two of my best friends lately from stupid drama. That on top of dealing with OCD (especially real event right now) and it being the first Christmas without my dad really sucks. I don’t think I can handle it

I've had OCD for 30+ years now. Started when I was 13. I live each day doing rituals in my head, pretty much 24/7, so that I can live a "good" life and that my family won't be harmed. I primarily suffer from Magical thinking. Like if I don't do my rituals or I screw them up harm might be done to things I love. It sucks. It's debilitating.

TW I wish I could talk to someone I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I thought of Pete Davidson and I’m scared because I said she is I don’t I’m not I keep saying to myself but I’m not in the middle I’m not bisexual Kim Kardashians not hotter and I feel weird because I’ve seen her naked and I don’t like her boobs and I keep thinking of her naked and feeling funny like I don’t know what to feel her boobs are not sexy and I thought that Pete Davidson is weird because he keeps going for people who are so much older than him. And I’m not here to discuss whether it’s right or wrong you know grown adults will do what they do but I thought old me because his mom is and I thought of her big round boobs pushing up and off the chest cavity I don’t like big round boobs or not hot Kim Kardashian‘s not hot either his mom is not hot like oh maybe he has some weird mom issue and that’s where that thought came from. I don’t even give a damn about Pete Davidson i’m not I’m scared I must be because I said I meant to say Pete Davidson or Kim Kardashian then said she’s thinking of her boobs and smacking my lips but she’s not luscious I’m scared to sabotage she wouldn’t I don’t know how to feel I keep calling them big and hot and smacking my lips but they’re not delicious I said she wouldn’t go for me I wouldn’t go for her I don’t wanna go I said spoiled I don’t care I don’t I almost all my God I meant to say that I don’t care if she’s spoiled and I ended up saying repeatedly don’t care if she’s a girl I do care if she’s a girl I don’t like girls I care I don’t like girls I do care if she is I don’t like her I’m scared I keep remembering her naked and feeling funny why can’t I stop saying I don’t I do care if she’s a girls and she is I don’t want and I don’t know how I feel about that I keep calling them but they’re not sexy I don’t want her big round boobs why can’t I stop saying don’t I do care about I don’t care about her I do care about guys him not her not Davidson someone else I’m sorry. I keep saying I don’t care about her and then said not if she’s like I do care how can I say that I don’t I do care if she’s a girl and I’m scared I’m being mean about my guy like he is I don’t want to I said massively more than that more tractive I don’t wanna more muscular guy I don’t care about her I don’t care that I don’t care about her eye care that she’s a girl that’s why I don’t like her but now I keep amenity her shirtless and I’m afraid that you’re really weird like I’m not sure how I feel like she is so she’s not stupid I said I would I I wouldn’t go for her I keep imagining her naked and I genuinely don’t know how I feel I said I would I wouldn’t go I said she wouldn’t and I’ve know what women look like having sex I wouldn’t go by for anyone so why did I say I don’t care if she’s a girl and I said don’t I care and then I insisted I care if she is she’s not hot and I feel weird physically I don’t know how I feel I can’t stop and I feel weird like I know I don’t want those big round heavy boobs and now I act like but I I said I do I don’t care it’s not that I do I don’t care and I act like but I don’t like I’m scared I’m scared I don’t want those suckers in my mouth I don’t want this I can’t stop thinking of a shirt looks like she’s so but I don’t like it and now I’m scared I am I don’t want to start I keeps and can’t help it like I do I don’t wanna see it I’m scared to do I don’t I keep calling them and I must be an act like I don’t want them in mind I’m scared it I don’t want them in my mouth it’s not attractive I don’t want them in my head I don’t want boobs I don’t like girls I don’t wanna be here anymore I don’t care about her not if it’s a girl if it’s a girl I don’t care about her not if it’s a girl! I would not go bisexual for anyone let alone her

Having an extremely hard time today. The holidays are normally the happiest time of the year for me, but with my first OCD flare up going on about two months now, I am dreading every moment of every day. I feel like I am lying to myself and everyone around me about my sexuality and have spent every second of everyday ruminating over past experiences that prove that I’m gay—even though the thought of being gay makes me sick. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and know it will help to talk with her because I have not told anyone about my intrusive thoughts because they are so shameful, but I am just so terrified that these thoughts could ever actually be true that I feel sick with anxiety every single day. This is becoming too much to bear and I am starting to worry that, if I am having these thoughts, they must be true. I feel numb to everyone and everything around me and am so scared that this feeling is going to last forever and that I will never feel happy like I used to when I did not doubt myself so much.

I hate saying the guy that I want is not grown enough when I don’t want girls and I said I keep acting I’m so sorry I keep acting weird with a smile and then I said more than he’s not girly and then said girly enough when he’s not girly at all and I don’t want them to be girly and I’m scared! I felt funny over a much bigger more muscular guy and I’m scared I don’t want to start feeling attraction any other guy let alone any other body type I’ve never liked big muscular dude and I feel funny I don’t want to find any other man attractive especially not a bulky like bodybuilder guy and I’m scared I feel funny and I’m smiling like I am I’m not bisexual I’m not adding a team and I don’t want to find muscular bodybuilders attractive I’m scared because the ones I looked up on Google gross but I’m scared this one isn’t I feel funny I don’t want to open up to more guys or other men no matter how hopeless my situation with my guy is because he doesn’t know me but I’ve been in love with him for a long time and I don’t wanna talk about it in more detail than that but I’m scared I really feel funny like I do because the video I saw was that the guy the muscular guy I’m scared I like all kinds I don’t want to like all kinds I just want my guy but the muscular guy was having some kind of competition I think it was from England because I had accents I keep saying he’s cute I don’t want muscular guys to be cute and I’m not trying to be mean but he was hanging on a bar and I guess it was a competition to see how long he could hang there and he was really muscular and to keep feeling funny my stomach saying he’s he’s not cute I don’t want him to be! I don’t want my guy to go away and when I look at pictures of my guy I’m scared I’m not reacting like I used to know I’m scared it’s getting replaced like I’ve always battled like maybe he is but he’s not too skinny I love my guy he’s gotten in shape now but I would love him no matter what like I’ve seen him at his worst and I still wanted to do him lol not just do him but I’m trying to be lighthearted. But now I’m scared him I don’t want to move on to bigger and I keep saying that but it’s never been better to me before I don’t want bigger more muscular guys and I keeps acting like I’m adding when I don’t want boobs I’m not bisexual I’m not in the middle I’m scared I felt weird and funny and did a weird kind of like gesture with my mouth but I don’t want vagina or clitoris I don’t want I keep acting like but it’s not sucks I don’t want the vaginal canal and I’m scared the muscle guy pushed out my guy I don’t want the muscle guy I want my guy and I’m fine he really is and I felt super funny my stomach and remembering the more muscular arms I don’t want any guy to be more tractive than mine I don’t wanna move on and I’m scared it’s a sign I don’t want to move on I really don’t want a more muscular guy but I’m scared I feel funny I’m smiling and feeling funny my stomach like this guy he’s not special I’m scared he is currently ask and he’s not I’m scared I am I’m not moving on my guy is not a toothache especially not anymore and it doesn’t matter I want my God I want him to come back I don’t want the bigger muscular guy to push them out I’m scared to sign like not but my guys the guy from you no matter what happens in that scenario I don’t want another person I’m smiling I’m scared I should I don’t want to move onto muscles I’m scared I’ve always wanted that because I criticize my guys so much even though I don’t intend to but I’m OK I just can’t stand it! I looked at much more muscular guys in the dude I looked at in skies that are similar to the guy that I looked at you know the one hanging from the bar in the competition I’m scared I said the sexy he’s not a sexy when I keep feeling funny I don’t want another guy