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So my obsession for the past few days has been what I’ve been focussing on when watching sexual content. So I realised that when i first started watching it I was always looking at the female and never the men, I went through a short stage during adolescence of finding men attractive. But then and idk what happened I just started finding women a lot more attractive and if I ever found a guy attractive it would make me feel uncomfortable. I soon developed a porn addiction again always focused on the women, this started to flux between me then focusing on the guy. As I got older and got more interested in girls I basically stopped watching porn all together and would get turned on by women or pictures of women that I saw. I would want to ask them out, dream about them, fantasise about them etc…But if I ever went back to porn it’s like an addiction would kick back in and I’d focus on whatever was the most Sexual. Throughout all of this I never once thought I was gay, I was straight and wanted to be with women. I was confident, had close male friendships but always wanted romantic relationships with women. I found my partner and was immediately attracted to her, but I still had a porn addiction which made arousal during sex very difficult. I feel like my issue with HOCD is based on a porn addiction, because I still find women attractive but it feels like the attraction towards men is sometimes forced? Or I just assume I will because my HOCD has made me so used to checking? I know this is a long message but I just want to know if anyone can relate? It gives me a sense of relief when I think about the women I’ve found attractive and I can’t really remember growing up finding any men particularly attractive, like I would notice their attractiveness but it would always be with envy “I wish I looked like that” because I always had very low self esteem. But when I found a girl attractive I would want to impress them and flirt etc… I’d imagine this sounds a lot like denial to some people but I don’t think it is… When I have a clear head I can actually remember how turned I would get by my partner, when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I loved it! It made me feel like me. And yes maybe it did make me feel more of a man, but I think that’s just through my gaining a confidence that I had not had before. When I look at it like this I realise how irrational my HOCD is. They’re some things it could use as evidence and right now it feels very real. But now I’ve calmed down a bit after my panic attack I can add these things together and see how I’ve been lead to this place. And I can see how the ocd tries so hard to work. I can also see how the mind works a lot more. But as I get to the end of this message I can feel the rumination kicking in. For example it’s now saying “look you can’t find any time you were attracted to a women” even tho I definitely can.

So now I get really anxious when I see pictures of my partner because it feels like I don’t find her attractive at all. And now I’m having a panic attack over it. It feels like I don’t want to see her at all now

I was feeling better for a whole week , but today OCD stroke back again really hard , I was really hopeful I was going the right way , I feel sad

I'm scared I am gay or bi because 4 or 5 years ago I did something with a friend of mine. I feel like being told it was just experimenting doesn't help at all and I need to know if anyone else has ever done something like this and has good.

There just seems to be too much evidence for me to ignore. HOCD has forced me to trail back through my entire life and everything I’ve ever done, and it seems to all add up to that ‘I must be gay.’ I don’t want it, but it seems too true. I would love to stay with my girlfriend but how can I? Giving into the HOCD seems to be the easier way out, holding onto my gf and my straight life seems impossible.

TW I’ve been taking Flexeril/Tylenol p.m. on and off for got a month almost. And I Obsessed about body parts I don’t I don’t like the same sex I have the same OCD as you. And I can’t stop obsessing about how boobs stick out and I really don’t like it. I don’t know I said nothing And I keep feeling these hollow hot rushes in my chest about thinking of how they stick out and saying nothing anything is hotter than that I’m scared that my opinion has changed overtime like I I don’t know if the pills are affecting me because I always get a little weird when I take too much stuff especially since it’s not prescribed to me. But I can’t stop thinking of how they stick out and boobs naked and it I said it used to it and never once did it for me used to not and it’s not necessarily doing it now that’s not the right word but I’m scared I don’t wanna start noticing women and I’m spiraling and I need help but I can’t tell what’s going on. I said nothing and I’m friend I must be I don’t wanna be bisexual okay I’m straight I don’t give a damn about like morality because it’s not a moral issue and now I can’t stop making a face and I’m scared I can’t enjoy guys and I keep shaking my head in the negative like I can’t enjoy guys chest muscles anymore and I make a face like it’s not but it is sexy to me muscles much better than fat solid muscle not huge ass stuff but still. And I can’t I have the tendency to lie on my side when I go to sleep and because I do that I imagine when I don’t I keep imagining having doing what guys and bab doing having one in my hand and in my you know like I said what guys and babies do . Boobs are not hot and I keep feeling weird like in my chest keep filling these brushes like I’m fine that’s the real me like I do I feel so hot and bubbly in Hollow my chest and say nothing anything is hotter than that! I don’t like boobs and I’m fra I’m changing and the rushing in my chest is scaring me and at the the fact that I keep describing them as nothing when anything is hotter than that I said I’m scared there’s nothing anything hotter I don’t wanna change and become so I don’t wanna float I’m not bisexual they’re not hot I don’t wanna be in the middle and I feel like ripping my heart out and I don’t know why because my hearts never been in this and I keep saying till now but my heart still is not into it like I don’t know if you think in symbols but I do like you know how Volvo has that symbol where is the circle with the little arrow sticking out on top and that’s also the male symbol that’s what’s like right over my heart if that makes sense like tattooed into it. My heart is for men like my guy/men like men broadly my guy specifically And I hate acting all excited like and I’m scared anything is hotter as sexy and I said then a pair of nice one I don’t like boobs they’re not nice they’re not hot and I don’t want bigger more muscular guys I’m frightened nothing I said nothing repeatedly and I’m so sorry anything is hotter than a really big muscular guy and then said nothing anything is hotter than boobs and I’m scared I’m so tempted to dis except and live but I don’t want to live a lesbian or bisexual life that’s not my thing I don’t really give a damn about what other people do just I don’t want to be like that. And I can’t stop thinking of boobs I can’t stop thinking of triangles and feeling a rush like but it’s not hot I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t want to like the way poop stick out I don’t like triangles I don’t wanna suck them I don’t want to have them in my hand and I feel so disgusted embarrassed than anybody knows this And I’m scared tits are but they’re not I don’t wanna feel better saying they are cause that’s what started this like I said too are not hot and I said I emphasize they are but they’re not hot and it felt really wrong to say that and I felt to burn in my chest and now I can’t stop imagining when I don’t want to do I’m trying I can’t stop and I’m scared something shifted and become but it’s still not hot I said it does but it doesn’t feel hot and I keep insisting but it doesn’t feel hot or sexy just a unpleasant I’m trying I can’t stop I’m scared I I don’t I like I I don’t want to put my chin up and what guys and baby‘s do boobs are not hot I’ve never felt like that before boobs are not hot what’s this warm rush of feeling in my chest!? I’m scared I make faces like I can enjoy and find this proves all my other thoughts like I do I don’t like hanging they’re not hot I keep insisting there is and I’m scared that’s my truth and I can’t avoid it for nothing I said nothing anything is hotter than that I keep insisting so strong and there is nothing not about it I don’t understand . No I can’t stop they’re not I feel so funny they’re not hot and I can’t stop imagining boobs in detail and I’m scared I cringe other guys like I don’t want them I said I don’t but I do want pectorals I keep adding and like it must be like it’s OK I don’t want it to be I said it so easily and casually like I said pector or not and I went through with it anyway even though I realized it was wrong pectors are hotter I can’t stop saying nothing that is that’s not my truth I can’t stop packs are it’s not that they’re not and I’m frying everything is changed and I’ve been living a lie I can’t stop saying they’re not they are they are so much hotter PECS are much that I keep shaking my head to the negative acting like my‘s my guys are nasty but they’re not pecs are hotte i’m scared or not but pics the guy can’t stop making a face like not I’m find I’ve been living and I’m changing I don’t scared I act like he’s not nasty my guys chest doesn’t look like boobs and his is not overdeveloped I don’t understand how I could be straight and still say naturally that pes are not but pector are much better I can’t I’m scared that makes me feel tight in the chest like it’s a lie and I’m scared or not I keep insisting that they’re not with a negative shake of my head like no but pecks are much better And I can’t stop amazing boobs in detail now they’re not hotter pecks are hotter than tits tits are not hotter they are not hotter than pecs better pecs are much better pecs are better why am I making faces like they are they’re not nasty pecs much much better I keep saying but in the boobs are not better I’m scared I am I’m scared I don’t wanna get used to it I’m scared I can’t I feel like screaming and saying they aren’t the not hot boobs are not better they’re not hot in the boys boys boobs and I’m scared I’m scared I said I can’t I like that is it’s not my truth I can’t stop I feel like screaming shaking my head and the negative thing not but boys have always been better not can’t stop saying not but boys are better than move and do not that better I can’t stop and I don’t want my truth interchange I can’t stop shaking my head and the negative saying that the boys are better boobs are not better than boys I’m scared and desperate enough right now I’m acting like my my guys not gross but boys are better boobs are not better than boys boys are better than boobs I don’t like boobs turn off better Im sorry for everything. Im sorry

I’m so scared. I keep thinking what if my real event OCD is so bad that it puts me in a category as something I would NEVER want to be. I’m freaking out. I can’t get relief from this at all. I’m starting to think I deserve this 💔

Are these reassurances for rocd? 1. When I feel that I've lost intrest in my gf, I think if I have interest in other girls and it's a no everytime which makes me relieved that its rocd 2. I check if I'm anxious by checking my heart rate Pls help me so that I can work on it. I have soocd too but it is negligible now. Rocd has taken over but I'm still not sure if its rocd😭😭😭😭

Feeling the crushing effects of social burnout. I haven’t been on this app in about a year, especially after I got therapy and things seemed to be going in the right direction. Unfortunately, things happened a few months ago and I’m back at square one… below square one in fact. I know that progress is not linear. But that doesn’t mean going backwards again feels great at all. For someone as pessimistic and easily burnt out like me, it can feel like yourself and the whole world are failing you. Funnily enough, what caused the OCD spiral is not actually what’s bothering me right now. Rather than health, which is my main subtype, it’s this pulverising social hangover that feels like it’s added about 10 kilograms to my brain. I’ve spoken to people online (because of quarantine) every single day for around 5-6 hours, and this has gone on for about 2 years now. I am exhausted. My friends are quite sociable, whereas I am extremely introverted and really like time alone. Because my friends are so gregarious, I feel bad not talking to them — they’ve specifically told me how much they like talking to me, and so I told myself that I absolutely must go online otherwise I’ll receive backlash from them. Forcing myself to stay up late to talk with people, my eyelids feel like leather at this point. I say ‘brb’ then leave for 20 minutes, stare blankly at the wall, then go back to talking. I leave minutes in between messages just so it prolongs conversations and I don’t have to think as much. I make excuses that I’m having technical difficulties so I get the chance to take a breather. But the worst part is, of course, I have OCD. No matter how much I try to throw my OCD out of certain situations, it just comes back to me like a boomerang. As well as restricting myself; my emotions and how I portray myself online, I’ve made the specific times of talking to my friends a routine, which you can guess has now become obsessive. Go online and start talking at 7, at midnight switch to the laptop and start talking there, come back to my phone at 1am, then leave at 2am. I’m not a good sleeper too, so leaving at a time like that is messing up my sleep schedule and leaving me so deprived and light headed every single day. Just earlier I almost passed out when I stood up, and smashed my head straight into a door… had to lay on the floor for a bit to get all the blood back to my head. I can’t tell them about this though. I don’t like talking about how I feel. Whatever I feel is being kept to me and me alone. The unknown is scary, and I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing how people will react to what I say. And I understand that if other people have a problem with my daily routine then that’s their problem and not mine, but I’m so people-pleasing that I absolutely have to live by the wants of others. Passiveness and the act of being reserved are the two self-imposed rules that I live by. I have a goal in mind — something that might leave me a bit less burnt out in the future (hopefully), and that’s the courage to change when I go on/offline, plus being able to communicate my boundaries with people. It’s just finding the strength to say what I want, that which I don’t think I have right now. Because of things that have happened in the past, I paint myself as a ‘villain’ whose words all have consequences. I feel like if I express an opinion of my own, all it will be met with is backlash and me feeling absolutely awful about it. If I tell them that I’m scared of getting an adverse reaction; they’re going to think I ‘hate them’ or ‘don’t trust them’. Thus, unfortunately, sometimes I feel as if being as acquiescent as I am is easier than putting up a fight. I guess what advice I want is how in the world do you tell people how you truly feel. I’m so jealous of those who freely express their emotions knowing that I can’t do the same thing. Keep in mind some of friends also deal with mental health issues, so the responses from them may be dissimilar and mixed. I 100% know that some may take me wanting my own time alone to heart, which I have to admit upsets me because they are such good friends but I feel as if I have to be so careful and restricted with what I say. But that’s a whole other thing… for now, I’d like advice on how to finally tell people absolutely everything. They know I have OCD, they just don’t know to what extent. I want them to know that I have boundaries, especially social boundaries, but in a way that won’t hurt or offend.

My girlfriend has Covid and I’m taking care of her since I’ve already exposed. I am stressed out about it. I have been dealing with the retroactive jealousy themes and feel like I have to be visibly happy and optimistic because she’s really upset about not being able to visit her family, but it’s really hard when I feel this way. It makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. I feel a lot of triple-A (Anxiety about anxiety) rn.

I was trying to help my boyfriend with his body dysmorphia and I was explaining to him how I’d love him no matter what he looked like but I had the stupid thought “it doesn’t even matter, I’m not even attracted to you anyways” and I just really hate myself so much. He wants me to compliment his body more and I feel so so guilty because his looks don’t matter to me. In my eyes physical looks are just about the “aesthetic” , I can really appreciate someones looks but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how my partner looks. If he looks nice I’ll notice and I’ll be proud and happy but it’s not a big deal to me. Does this mean im not attracted to him 😞😞😞😞😞

So my boyfriend just followed this girl who posts half naked pics with barely followers and she followed him back. I told him I wouldn’t be watching his stuff and if I bring it up it’ll cause a fight with us. I do not appreciate him following girls and allowing them to follow him back that post stuff like that. Let alone some random girl and he knows that this happened before and I hated it. I’m incredibly angry right now and I don’t wanna let it go but if I say something he’ll turn it back on me. I looked at it because I was on his page and noticed his following went up. This whole year he hasn’t followed any girls until now. I told him Idc if he follows ig models but this girl isn’t a model and followed him back. I’m incredibly fucking mad right now.

I had one question in mind if just anyone person could tell me something about it…..has it ever happened to you that you start visualising the same sex thoughts and they feel too normal like i earlier used to have them with guys but since ocd a woman also will pop up as like some kind of possibility idk if i am making sense but its like i imagine something with the guy suddenly it could also be a women like something telling me that too could be some possibility and i think of it so naturally that it actually feels like and i have the ocd theme realted to being bi so if i have such thoughts about guys and also suddenly a girl pops up isn't that some kind of evidence telling my its denial and not ocd cause the possibility and the thoughts feel so real and just me saying all this that there is a possibility could also potentially mean something right??! Also when on days i am normal and i still have these thoughts and don’t really do about it much it makes it easier to believe its not ocd and denial cause i am not panicking and then i force myself to post cause that then feels normal according to how ocd should be but if i force myself to post how is it ocd knowing its a lie and i am forcing?!!

So I’m posting on here in case anybody can help me out. Ive just got into a relationship and I’m worried I might have done something to some nude photographs of my ex girlfriend which were in my phone when I am with my current girlfriend. The problem is I cannot remember. I remember waking up and looking at my window and my brain went : ‘what if you did this when you were with your girlfriend’ and ever since I’ve been spiralling trying to figure out if I did it or not, recalling past events and trying to remember anything and the only think I can thoroughly remember is when I was single. I also deleted all the images. I also feel like it’s manifested from other OCD, I was worrying I was talking to other girls and ended up asking them when we last talked to which they said before me and my girlfriend met which gave a lot of relief. Problem is when I think about a time it could have happened my brain throws all these images into my head and I cannot distinguish what is real and what isn’t. I ended up confessing about these thoughts to my girlfriend and she said that it’s nothing and she doesn’t care and the worse case scenario is that nothing happens and that we move forward like we have been. I still feel enormous guilt because it feels like I’ve done something wrong and I cannot shift it. I don’t know what correct exposures to do which would help me out with dealing with these thoughts. Every time I get reassurance off my girlfriend it feels good but then the thoughts keep coming back around and constantly ask things like : ‘what if you did, what if it’s not the OCD and you just can’t remember something that actually happened’. I can’t distinguish what’s real and what isn’t and it’s pretty distressing. I can’t help feel guilty over something that I might not even have done and also get a constant urge just to say to my girlfriend that I did it to relieve the anxiety. Any advice would be appreciated.

I feel like the fact that my gf has gone much further with other guys makes me feel like our moments of physical intimacy (we haven’t had sex) aren’t special. I will feel they are really special and then I get graphic thoughts of her having sex with past sexual partners and have thoughts saying “you think this is special? some other guy she doesn’t even care about did way more with her.” i just feel humiliated when these thoughts show up. They take away everything special about moments that should feel precious to me and just leave me disengaged and alienated.

What do false attractions feel like? Idk if I’m having them or if I’m just in denial?

Every. Single. Time. I try doing stuff with my partner over the phone I feel like “oo! I want to do this” and the second it starts I am already shutting down again. Focusing on his flaws, telling myself I’m forcing to be attracted, and suddenly I’m completely turned off by him and immediately become filled with deep fear and guilt and shame. My boyfriend and I are two years today, and all I can think about is the fact that he deserves a partner who wants him sexually. Since the beginning, I’ve struggled so much with sex. I loved having him kiss me but when we did stuff I felt disconnected and insecure and nervous and unsure and afraid. I was the very definition of a selfish lover and that didn’t change until my partner expressed how badly it was hurting him. The fact that I only was able to truly see him sexually after that is probably hardcore proof I’m forcing it. I mean, I did want him to do things to me and I wanted to do things together and I liked knowing I could turn him on but I could never reciprocate and didn’t even think about reciprocating until I realized how important it was to him and only then did that emotional importance make it arousing to me. And here’s the thing…I loved having my partners hands on me, I loved kissing him and holding him, I loved when he would hold my hand and kiss my forehead during it, he made me feel like no one has and sure it wasn’t the greatest thing because of my anxiety but it was still something I craved and desired and wanted and loved. But there’s just too much proof. Like when I try to be reciprocative, I start to panic about what I’m doing because I don’t know if I’m doing it right, if I’m doing enough, enjoying it enough and it makes me not enjoy it and when I do enjoy it I feel like I’m “forcing” myself out of pity even though I genuinely want to make my partner feel good. I know people reciprocate out of their own pleasure but it doesn’t work like that for me, honestly the purely physical sensation aspect of it means little to me. What I actually enjoy is connecting emotionally with my partner and doing something to him no one else can and letting him know how much I love him and appreciate him and making him feel good. If it didn’t hold that meaning, I wouldn’t enjoy it much. I don’t get aroused just by seeing him and I know that’s normal but why is it that I do get aroused looking at women naked or overtly sexual even though I have 0% desire to touch them and this was even before the ocd so.. I’m aroused by kissing him, holding each other, hearing him do and say things, having him touch me. On top of that everything ive read talks about this desire to touch during intimacy but I don’t have that, I honestly just kind of freeze up and don’t know what to do or how to do anything which is honestly why I was selfish at first. But when my partner leads me a little I can enjoy myself a bit more and explore a little but it’s just that expectation of it needing to go somewhere that makes me so nervous because I don’t know how to take it there and I don’t know how to let go enough to do so. I just feel broken because I so so badly want to have that desire for my partner. I want to enjoy myself and I honestly don’t care about the physical pleasure of it, that’s nothing compared to the emotional connection and intimacy of us being so vulnerable with each other and me not being able to enjoy myself makes me feel like we’re not emotionally compatible even though I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I want us to have that sexual connection, I want to please him without worrying about whether or not I like him, I want to have a fulfilling intimate life and make each other feel good because he really does get me going. I feel so scared and guilty and alone and ashamed. It’s like I’m doomed to have intercourse with a woman but that seems so painful and dreadful and uncomfortable and suffocating. With a man, specially my man I crave that desire , I want to work through my issues and be happy in my intimate life. But if it was with a woman I’d rather just give up sex for good because of how much I don’t want it. I keep focusing on his flaws, his “masculinity”, everything and making it seem dreadful. I’m sorry I just needed to vent , I feel defeated and I just want to be happy with my boy.

TWA I’m scared I said the more I looked at this girl‘s boobs the more and it’s usually the opposite but I don’t like her boobs I feel so funny in my stomach they I just called them but they’re not hot or sexy but they were really big and round and pushed off the chest I said exactly the way I but I didn’t like it exactly the way I… But I don’t like it! And I’m scared and the more I looked the more worked up I got but not in a good way and then there was a throb down there And I said boobs are brothers they’re not far from the definition of disgusting they’re not far from it! So what did I say that repeatedly? Boobs are I said not far from there the definition of disgusting! And I said the more I looked at the woman’s boobs the more that I never like that before I never liked it usually it’s the opposite I’ve never liked it! I can’t believe I said the more I look the more I like I didn’t like it I just got me feeling more and more anxious why did I throw up down there!? I said the more I look the more like I never liked it I don’t know! The more I looked and I can’t stop saying like I didn’t like it I’m scared I’m just history changing like I’m lying to myself the more I looked and I can’t stop saying liked and said I should embrace I don’t wanna embrace liking I don’t like boobs! The more I look the more I don’t know I’m scared I really did I didn’t I don’t why did I throb I never like boobs are usually the more I look the more I don’t like it! Is it don’t look anything more than I don’t like anything about boobs why would I say anything more I don’t like boobs I don’t like anything about them the more I looked the more anxious I got and I keep smiling and I keep smiling and delivery said the more I liked but I didn’t like it it’s like I’m deliberately egging my brain on! I feel funny in Hallow in my stomach! And I’m scared have a son I can’t breathe like it feels wrong to say the more I look the more I didn’t like it like it’s not true and friend the more I looked I imagine her boobs pointer I don’t know what I imagined and I said the more I…but I actually didn’t like it! I’m scared of the way I just smiled and said she is she’s not a game changer I’ve never had it reverse before usually it’s like the more that I said like I don’t like them usually the more I look the more that I don’t like it and I just got anxious then I smiled the third time I watch the video looking at her boobs imagining them pointed and said the more I but I didn’t like it why did I throb why did I smile!? I’m scared I do I don’t like big pointy boobs I don’t I don’t like boobs I don’t like big dramatic things and I don’t want people to get I don’t like boobs I don’t want people to get the wrong idea but now I’m scared I am I don’t wanna be over my guy and I make a face because he doesn’t I don’t want him to have boobs I don’t wanna be here anymore

I'm 22 and still live with my parents. My anxiety boosted while watching the king of staten island . A depressive character. Well I got triggered by everything and continued in for exposure. Now I'm scared what I will do when I dont have my parents support and have to love alone with my OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. I'm scared.

Anyone have questions about HOCD? I came out as a survivor and willing to help those who needs guidance.