Welcome to
the NOCD Community

The anxiety is so jarring man, someone please see my last post.

Two or three years ago I had this memory from when I was about 17. I was babysitting and one of the kids was asleep on my lap, I’d say she was 3 at the time. I squeezed my thighs together a times because I liked the way it felt (had absolutely nothing to do with the child) and then stopped because obviously it just felt weird that she was asleep on me. I remembered this a couple of years later and was so upset and told my boyfriend at the time and he said I did nothing wrong and I forgot about it. Years later something triggered the memory and I’m back to feeling absolutely horrible, this has been on my mind for the past 2/3 years. I’ve talked to my boyfriend and two close friends about it and they just think I’m being ridiculous but it doesn’t matter I still feel like a pedo and I don’t deserve anything in life. I’m afraid to talk to a therapist about it incase they take it up wrong. It had absolutely nothing to do with the child but the fact the child was there and asleep on me makes me feel disgusting and horrible. Anyone else have similar stories ?

I have just seen on you tube that it doesn’t matter if people wasn’t born gay they can change later in life I am going to keep praying to god I can’t take this anymore I have a girl friend and two kids this hell needs to end

I hate being a fearful avoidant in a committed relationship. It makes it seem like the relationship is the problem when it’s not. On top of having ROCD is a bitch. Every feeling is saying “I’d be happier alone, without a serious relationship, or taking things extremely slowly” but the reality is I want my partner. I literally fucking want him. We’ve been committed to each other since the beginning which was 5 years ago, and of course everyone has their moments of worry about commitment etc but this attachment style is really hard to deal with. I don’t act on the things that the fearful avoidant side tells me to act on bc that would be extremely tough and unhealthy and I know better. I hate that it feels like I agree or like these stupid feelings and thoughts . It’s just so hard that it tells me the relationship is holding me back etc when I know it’s actually not. I just want to learn to feel the beautiful freedom I desire while still being with my partner and not pushing our emotional or physical closeness away😞he’s my best friend and the love of my life and I always want him to be-even it the thoughts are scared to admit otherwise.

I’m just crying now. I feel like I’m being forced out of my relationship by my sexuality. Why can’t I stay with her?!? It’s not fair!!! I love her!! I really do how can I be in love this deeply if my brain says im gay. It feels like it’s already made it’s mind up that it’s time for me to end it??? Everyday it’s like I loose the control. The thoughts get worse, it feels more real, I feel like it makes more sense. IDC IF IT MAKES SENSE… I DON’t WANT IT! Please take it away I want my girlfriend. I love her

Not ocd related but I really to someone to talk to. I’m currently sitting in a urgent care parking lot waiting to be tested again for Covid because a couple days ago I tested negative but now my symptoms are worse and I can’t smell anything. I tried smelling bleach! Couldn’t smell it at all. Tried smelling perfume, chapstick, air freshener….nothing. Just very very subtle but I can tell I’ve lost my sense of smell. I feel kind of congested, tired, cough, headache, and the other day I had nausea but it’s possible maybe I tested too early because I was exposed to someone who has covid last Wednesday and I tested Sunday and I think it takes 5 to 6 days for it to show up. That or since I took a rapid and heard today it only has a 70% chance of accuracy than it could of been a false negative but I don’t know. I’m sitting in my car crying because of not only Covid but other things going on like losing a friend to drama and OCD being worse than ever, I just can’t help but feel anxious and scared. I’m scared of what if I exposed people especially my family like my grandma or my mom who I live with. They are both vaccinated but still the thought of something happening to them because of me not being careful enough terrifies me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. My little niece is visiting for a week and I’m worried that she’s gonna have to quarantine and what if I exposed her to Covid and then she gives it to my grandma or my mom for being around them too. Everything’s a mess and I feel like no one especially my mom gets it because she keeps telling me I have nothing to panic over but she doesn’t understand the fear. She’s mad at me because I wasn’t careful enough with masks and stuff and I just know I’m going to get blamed because that’s what my mom does. She takes anything about me and twists it to benefit herself. I just hope that everything will be ok.

When I was around 10 I went to a friends house and there were newborn kittens that a stray cat had birthed inside someone’s car. I asked that they be taken to the aspca in a box and the adult I spoke to said they could have disease and should not be touched. Next thing you know the men are throwing them across a fence… and I am crying. I don’t remember if I was able to voice them to stop. I feel very guilty that I couldn’t stop them. Then when I was around 13 I had a hamster that I didn’t take very good care of. It used to store food in the bedding so it was hard to tell when it needed food. So I fed it sort of irregularly bc it became a habit. The cage stank and my grandma put it on the balcony sometimes and it was cold at times. One day I came home and found it dead. Idk from starvation or coldness. I feel terrible. Then when I was 18 I had a puppy fly in from Korea. It was really small and it all of a sudden passed out so I rushed her to the vet. They saved her and said they force fed her a lot and told me to feed her every couple hours. It was nighttime when we got home and I thought she would be ok until the next morning so I put her in her area with food and water. The next morning she had passed away. I can’t help but think I took a chance with her life. Thinking she would be ok but not knowing she would be and still deciding to sleep and taking chance. Because of these 3 instances I feel unworthy of living. I don’t know how to sit with the guilt. It is too much. Why couldn’t I scream at the adults to stop throwing the kittens. Was I lazy was I too introverted was I in shock I don’t know but I don’t feel like I deserve to live at this point. Why didn’t I just feed the puppy every 3-4 hours throughout the night. Why didn’t I take very good care of the hamster and clean its cage regularly and feed it more regularly. How did I live till now without dwelling on the guilt from these instances. How can I live.

Losing my faith in God has made this that much harder. I’m not talking about praying as a compulsion. But I used to have strong faith and that made any anxiety or issues I had that much easier because I could just give it to God. Lately I’ve had so many questions and am barely hanging on by a thread. I used to be a youth pastor and now I feel like there’s no hope. Then throw on my newly developed OCD now the problems are compounded and I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed anymore. I’m just so sad but have a wife and kid I need to be present for. I’ve never gone through anything like this in my life, why now when I’m needed most by my family?

Does anyone have any advice on thought action fusion? I have moral scrupulosity ocd and if I think something bad, it’s just as bad as if I did whatever the thought was about. I think it’s getting worse because now if someone else says something bad or wrong, me hearing someone say something bad makes me just as guilty in my mind as if I were the one to have said it. This of course also ends up making me feel as bad as if I did the bad thing someone else said. I realize this is likely still thought action fusion but I can’t find a way to separate myself from my thoughts or now apparently also other bad things I hear people say. I’m really, really struggling with the guilt and shame and I am spiraling a bit. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice from this community.

My parents randomly just got super Christian like two years ago, used to be anti but they’re extremely religious particularly bc of the pandemic, they think like it’s gonna be uprising of Christ or something...(they are anti mask, vax) I am not Christian, and I personally disagree with their beliefs about the pandemic, at first I thought we just had differing opinions, but now I’m actually getting slightly worried. They’ve started calling ME Jesus and that “I’m the chosen one” and it honestly makes me really uncomfortable. Idk what to do, I’m getting a little worried, is that normal??? I feel like it’s not. (This is not meant to bash Christianity btw)

No matter how hard I try my husband will never really understand how bad Rocd feels and will find a way to hurt my feelings...he may believes that this is something manageable even uf i have explained a hundred times that my mind works like that on its own. I am fed up explaining when I see that, even if he helps me in household with our baby etc, he doesn't seem to fully understand how trembling and severe this is for me. I know he can not possibly understand it completely but why doesn't he just try to let me do whatever I am comfortable with and tries to consult me when he is unaware in reality? He gets easily irritated when I start accusations, compulsions and ask him questions but I have already explained that this is due to my mental issue... what else can I do???

anybody willing to talk religious OCD and the fear/obsession of going to hell?

I took medicine for 4 years each year I changed medicine cause the medicene wasn’t working I wasn’t getting better I even had my mom come in and tlk to my doctor wit me cause I was so miserable I couldn’t function I was so depressed to and I was telling everyone I was miserable that I wasn’t getting better and everyone just moved on wit there lives I had no support from family I have no friends trying to get a therapist was difficult I could barely get up during the day let alone leave once a week to tlk to a therapist I was barely able to make it to my doctors appointments to get my medication to it was like I was screaming for help and ppl just watched I staid locked up in my room and since ppl couldn’t see me it wasn’t happening there lives go on and they live they work they have mental freedom i eventually admitted myself into a mental hospital which haveing contamination ocd and haveing all your stuff touched and then takeing all your stuff out of there individual bags that I worked so hard to seperatly pack and wash my hands when touching certain things to keep them clean was so traumatizeing to me and they couldn’t even help me they had no help for ocd they switched my meds and had made me try to do my dressing rituals in a dirty bathroom floor wit no clean spaces for my hygiene and haveing a roommate I had no therapist to help me wit this I just sat in there and suffered just for them to discharge me telling me they didn’t have the resources to help me and a referral to an ocd facility in Chicago which I couldn’t go to cause they didn’t accept my insurance and I was in a horrible relationship that I couldn’t get out of cause I was barely able to function my ocd has always been so debilitating I’ve never been able to work so I couldn’t work I was on ssi but then it stopped for some reason I appealed it but round this time I was so sick I couldn’t do anything which made it worse they took my only way of provideing for myself so for a few years I just suffered alone then finally my mom helped me get my ssi back it’s very aggravating explaining my ocd cause ppl don’t understand it and they don’t understand that it makes my life very hard but I got it back since I was technically homeless they only gave me 533 dollars they told me to get more I’d have to show I’m paying rent then they’ll give me more since I’ll be paying more but you can’t save any money to even be able to move into anywere and nowere is gonna let you live there if you can’t afford it so that made me feel even worse I can’t even function and they were makeing it so difficult for me to just get the money I needed to live there’s no places I could afford that were clean there mostly all dirty and bug infested which kept me in a horrible liveing situation to even be able to get better from my ocd my life has been so difficult just from my ocd all I ever wanted was to get help I’ve always tried I’ve always had to pretend and then I gave up I’m tired of working on things that are so simple to normal ppl I was tired of the way doctors and hospitals were treating me I was tired of begging for help and noone listening I just found out of exposure and response therapy and that there’s actual ocd facility’s and that there’s ocd specialists out there but nowere will accept my insurance and I can’t afford to pay for any treatment on my own it shouldn’t be this difficult to get the proper care I need!!

When I was younger I hung out wit friends and I’d watch them get ready and change there clothes and shower and I could never do the stuff they were doing they weren’t giveing things a second thought they didn’t have a strict routine and rules to follow and I was hipnotized by it I could barely dress and shower doing these extra things like eye liner and mascara and styling there hair differently putting clips and Bobby pins in there hair doing there eyebrows seemed so hard I wanted to do those things so badly but I stuck wit dressing concealer foundation and straightening my hair I still looked nice but those things were hard to do and it took me along time just to look like that the rituals and counting were very mentally exhausting I wanted to sit there thoughtless and do these things like everyone else I’d go threw hard times were I could barely do anything extra so dressing and showering were the only things I could do no make up no hair straightening my ocd made these rules driven by some kind of fear like when straightening my hair was to hard and I’d atleast want to wear makeup my ocd would make me feel like I could only wear makeup wit my hair down so then I’d have to straighten my hair just to put on makeup so there’s a rule rite there and I can only wash my hair and straighten it once then the next day I can restraighten it but I couldn’t do anything the next day I’d have to wash my hair if it needed to be restraightened I can only do that for 2 days so there’s another rule I have alot of these rules to follow though I have very strict rituals I no a girl I saw on YouTube had similar rules like she couldn’t do everything in 1 shower she’d have to wash her hair in 1 shower then shave in a different shower I was the opposite I had to wash my hair and body and shave in 1 shower I couldn’t split it up so everytime I needed to do my hair I had to take a shower wash my hair and shave every couple of days and I had to shave the same way I couldn’t just shave my legs I have to shave wat I need to every time so some ppl that would just sit on the side of the tub and shave there lower legs was a dream to me this girl also could only use 1 make up pallet at a time she couldn’t use different ones till the first 1 she was useing was completely empty she couldn’t wear different lipsticks till the 1 she was useing was empty and I do the same thing wit stuff and it’s so depressing and restrictive there’s no freedom in the simplest of things stuff that’s suppose to be enjoyable has restrictions it’s noway to live there’s noway to take a relaxing shower my mind is just doing rituals and counting and trying to make sure I don’t touch anything that’s dirty there’s no free will inside my own brain getting ready to go somewere and trying to look nice is so hard when there’s all these rules and restrictions when girls get ready together and are haveing a blast I’d be at home focusing trying so hard to be excited but it’s just a hassle and I’ve had to pretend to be normal all these years I had to force excitement and I always had all this mental stuff going on in my head sometimes I’d be better sometimes I’d be worse but I’ve always tried getting better my rituals and ocd habits and these rules were always there though they just kind of stick and all I want is to feel normal not worry bout contamination and order and these rules I just want to by and wear and do watever I want I’ve applied such strict rules on myself it’s like abuse I hate it so much I just want my brain to work normally I’ve gone all these years watching normal ppl round me do watever they want and I’m a slave to myself and I can’t make it stop please don’t be mean to me I want to share!!

Feeling so helpless! This anxiety is causing me to be so stressed to the point where I can’t eat or sleep. I’m so exhausted. Can anyone provide tips on what helps calm you down?

I feel mentally numb. 😞 ⚠️ TW ⚠️ I keep trying to get my post count down but every time I get it back into the single digits something happens. I have had the horrible habit of taking Flexeril or Tylenol p.m. extra strength to help me go to sleep. I’ve been doing that basically almost nonstop for like a month. And the pills do add to things if you know what I mean. They both have the potential of giving you weird dreams. Flexeril can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming by itself it’s not like I don’t have abnormal thinking anyway but it adds to it. My mom walked out and I’m scared ‘ cause she’s looking for sports bra and I’m friend I don’t like her big round boobs! And then I started to say what makes you think I don’t I do I don’t like boobs that’s what makes me think that! I don’t wanna emphasize I do cause I was saying that I’m the one that thinks that I don’t like boobs you know I was trying to positively say that I don’t wow that doesn’t make sense. I’m scared I am I’m not starting to like the way boobs look or are structured. I don’t want to like the roundness and there was some neighbor guy walking behind me I made a face because he doesn’t have it and I’m scared they are and I’m smiling weird but they’re not delicious I don’t like the rounds of boobs on boys and balls and I make a face like I don’t but I want that. I just literally made an expression like I could smell something bad and shook my head in the negative thing I don’t and I’m doing it now shaking my head no I do want boys and balls I don’t want boobs. I’m was kind of just making excuses. I’m scared of the way I’m reacting over guys chest muscles I literally act like something is wrong with a guy because he doesn’t and I don’t want him to have round boobs I don’t want him to have boobs. I’m scared I do I don’t want to start this! I don’t want the round is a welcome to go back to being disgusting mean it’s not like they actually make me happy but I want I said I crave it that’s probably not true I wanted to go back to just being straight up disgusting and up for me to treat guys like there’s something wrong with them because I don’t have round this and I literally acted like they were closed because I don’t have it and I try to copy paste boots but I don’t want heavy roundness or sagging or unnatural perking us or anything. I’m scared I keep shaking my head in the negative but I want balls I want boys I hate acting like I it’s like it’s just so sensory you know like so details so realistic like I do but I don’t want the roundness of boobs and I’m scared I am and I frightened that I keep thinking mean things like go now that he’s gotten in shape and I keep shaking my head and the negative but I’ve always wanted my guy we even when he was super skinny and I don’t understand why I’m shaking my head the negative. I do want him no matter what his shape is I’m not gonna act like he’s not in great shape now! This whole roundness of boobs things really getting on my nerves I don’t want boobs but I don’t like how I’m treating him and I don’t wanna be over my guy and I don’t wanna act like there’s something wrong with the guy because I do I don’t want the strained heavily overly rounded sides of foods and I don’t want any other shape size are consistency they come in

✋ I’m a serial Job quitter. I have my consult call tomorrow. I don’t know why but I go through spells where I work about 3 months and then I call off , anxiety sets in, & I quit. I’m so sick of this cycle. The anxiety is through the roof! It’s no wonder my blood pressure is so high. I hate this. Everyone I love leaves me and I’m lonely. I know GOD is with me but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to believe at this moment because of what my brain tells me to be true. My mom used to get mad at me when I was young she’d say… “we shoulda got a check for yo ass” It even became a joke when I got older cuz my parents claimed they were worried about me but was proud I was maintaining. Unbeknownst to them… depression was fully onset and my place was atrocious. Lived in a boarding house with the bed on the floor and mice in the ceilings. Room was always dirty. Shared a bathroom and that was never clean and my neighbors were on heroin. Met my wife and she saved me by moving me in with her but my symptoms kept getting worse and now I’m alone trying to figure this out. The only reason I won’t KILL MYSELF is because I want to prove everyone wrong about me but most days I feel they are right. I don’t know why I’m sharing this cuz I usually just help everyone else with their problems and give advice, but I DON’T WANT TO DIE, so this seems to be the right thing to do.

I hate how Rocd makes me not wanting to do anything...I just wake up and want to do things that require no thinking, just relaxing and do anything that will take me away from reality and literally forget myself. It's an like I live in a distance from reality and when it comes to tasks that take action and being jn the moment i get really anxious and I want to stop and go back to doing nothing. This thing kills me as I feel worthless, lazy and so guilty that I don't function like every other people. I don't want to live like that in a constant defence mode, away from reality and locked in my compulsions and extreme anxiety....I am fed up with it...

So im currently living with the fear of what if my door knob falls off of my apartment door? Like I think worst case scenarios. I'm trying not to but this is hard. I did compulsions just a little while ago but my anxiety is going crazy right now. Don't wanna look at my door knob anymore as I feel this will feed more into my compulsion instead of letting me be. Help

Hello everyone. I am from Greece. Is there a therapist from nocd that i can contact to?