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the NOCD Community

Hi guys I just downloaded this app like 10 minutes ago and this is my first post. I’m a 20 year old college student and I think I have really severe OCD. When I tell you I doubt EVERYTHING, it’s true. Everything I say is filtered like 10 times in my head before I say it, and then after I say it I immediately go over what I said to make sure I said it perfectly. Also, I do things over and over again until they are perfect. Like yesterday I recorded a birthday video for my friend and I think I started over like 50 times. Not an exaggeration. I also have some bad family problems. My older sister (24 y/o) has borderline personality disorder and my whole life she’s been violent and aggressive to me and my parents. Its taken a huge toll on all of us and now I literally cannot talk to any of my family anymore. Part of this is probably trauma, but its partly also having “rules” that I can’t talk to them. Its weird. I feel like there is not a soul who understands my suffering and I go to a rich private college where I feel like people are especially “normal”, and I kinda wanna drop out. Is there anyone in a similar position? I’d love someone to talk to <3

death cw how do you deal with knowing you’re going to have to die someday? this is eating away at me so bad. i can’t go a single night without thinking that i’ll die eventually, or that i’ll die in my sleep. it makes me sick to my stomach. it doesn’t help that i don’t know what i believe religiously either. i think i’m agnostic. if you’re gonna comment and try to tell me i shouldn’t be agnostic or anything, please don’t. it’s going to freak me out.

“I go before you always” -God ✝️

[VENT] How does one deal with the fact that every waking moment you have some sort of v!olent or s€xual thoughts that they can’t control? Sometimes I want to gouge my eyes out with forks or rip out my vocal cords while I yell and scream. Pop a skull from the connected spine or boil something alive. As for the s€xual aspects I can’t even put it into words without the v!olent thoughts towards myself peeking through from guilt. It feels awful. I don’t want to live like this. To have strange aches from not being to physically h@rm myself or another. It just feels like there’s something wrong with me, probably because there clearly is. But I don’t know what it is. Is it OCD or is it just being f’d up in the head? How do people cope? It just seems so strange to me, especially since there’s no one I know that has these same thoughts. Not in my family and as far as I know not in my friends either. Am I a problem? Is it something fixable? Or am I just broken? I don’t know. All I really know is that I ain’t right and so far nothing seems to help. TL;DR Brain no worky. Must replace. </3

people don't talk enough about the intrusive feelings that come with the thoughts, or even before them. my sister had a baby and i haven't been able to function right since. i know they're just thoughts but the thing is they aren't *just* thoughts. the feelings/urges my mental illness makes me have have infiltrated every crack in my brain at the moment. it is painful to live or breathe.

I feel like I’m going crazy. Yesterday I knew I wanted my bf. Today I feel different . I don’t even know what I want anymore I feel like I can’t trust myself. I’m so disconnected. I’m so scared. I feel every emotion but I can’t cry. I’m so on edge. One minute I feel like our relationship is worth it next I feel like we are doomed and there’s no going back. I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling. I feel crazy. Someone help. Is this even rocd. Or do I actually feel this way about him shi I’m scared to let go. I wanna disappear.

Hope for all of us I want to share something that has been helpful for me and I believe it can be helpful for others. We are not OCD. We are not anxiety. We are not fear. We could be struggling and battling with all of that but we aren't any of that. It's not our identity. It's not who we are. Fear deceive us into thinking that it emanated from us. From our own identity and mind but that's just a lie. The problem is we assume it's us and we've been conditioned in fear and anxiety that we think is us and that there's something wrong with us that if we could only fix or get rid of we could be good and normal. What a load of crap. We aren't bad or need any fixing. We just need unconditional Love. We need to love ourselves compassionately and accept ourselves. Easier said than done right? You see, we think that if we accept ourselves we are accepting the intrusive thoughts and what they say and we start to panic thinking that maybe we are what the thoughts are suggesting which in turn makes us obsesses and in desperation we try to solve or fix that which is not the problem in reality, the thoughts by doing a compulsion. But again, it's all a lie. Accepting ourselves doesn't mean we don't see and recognize our struggles and weaknesses. It means that even though we see all of that in us we choose not to judge and condemn ourselves and instead we treat ourselves with the Love, kindness and compassion, which is actually what we need. See? Our problem is not a broken brain or broken thinking. Our problem is a Love problem. We just need to learn, with patience and practice, to love ourselves and see ourselves separate from any thought that comes to our minds. This is my conclusion: "I'm not the thoughts that enter into my mind. Nor I am fear and anxiety or even OCD. I am just me and that's more than ok". Does that mean I have it all figured it out and I don't struggle like you? No! I still struggle. But I'm beginning to understand who I really am and I have decided to love myself even when it's hard and in the midst of my struggle. And guess what? You can do it too. It's not about feeling like it or waiting for the perfect moment when we are better. Tell me, when will that be? It's today that you and I need compassionte Love. So why not start giving it to ourselves today even if we don't even know fully how? To all of you I say: "God bless you my OCD brothers and sisters. To me you are awesome". Virtual hug 🫂

Hi everyone, I really, really could use some support and encouragement today. I had the same thought stuck in my head for the last 3 months. Literally thought about it while I was giving birth 2 months ago. I ended up confessing it today because I didn’t know how else to explain to my partner what was going on. He struggles to understand why I obsess if there isn’t something bigger going on. It’s so hard that others don’t understand. It’s so hard that the thoughts feel so real even when we don’t have evidence for them. It’s so hard that I resisted confessing for three months and still had the same thought. It’s so hard that I confessed, and as predicted, another thought took its place. Now he goes back to work next week from his paternity leave and I will be home with a 2 month old all day every day. I’m so scared I won’t be able to handle this.

Question for someone that's fairly far in recovery: Do you still so ERP every day? Or just when you feel like ocd is taking overhand again? I sometimes have weeks (or even over a month) where I feel absolutely fine. Then out of the blue its there again for a few weeks etc. I'm wondering if I should do ERP even when I'm feeling fine for a while. Bc doing it is kinda re triggering and I'm happy when I can get my mind of it. Thoughts? :)

Hi. My question is if someone is in their late 60s and has had severe OCD for their whole life, is it reasonable to expect they will get improvement from doing exposure therapy? I ask because a close family member has severe OCD. She's had it her whole life and it is so engrained. She is a hoarder, throws away food before its date, has obsessions about technology, food, cleanliness, covid, what she says to people, chemicals, etc. I have OCD too and when I found out about my OCD I realised she has it too and be sent to counselling. She went to the same therapist that I did. Within eight weeks of my therapy I'd made a hierarchy, started exposure, etc. She had about 15-20 sessions and she hadnt really started exposure or challenging compulsions. And the theprist was talking more about reasoning through things. I wondered if this was because she thoguht my grandma is so bad that she isnt going to be able to get through the exposure and stop her compulsions like I managed to (over two years. But I am now almost anxiety free.) She stopped therapy but wasnt really better, because she hasnt started breaking the OCD cycle and still doesnt properly understand her compulsions. She asks me for advice on how to deal with obsessions etc. As we are close. And I talked to her about exposure (slowly and controlled obviously) But I dont know if that's the right thing to suggest for her. She felt more anxious having counselling as it makes you bring everything up. I found my theory so helpful but I was a teenager at the time. She has had OCD without knowing about it for over 60 years. Is it too late for her to have any real improvement. I dont want to push her into counselling or exposure if there isnt much chance she can change her OCD much now. I ask this because I love her and dont want to make things worse for her. Please let me know about severe OCD that has been going on for many decades... is there chance of much improvement or will she be happier carrying on doing her obsessions and compulsions without interference as she has for the last 60 years? I just want the best for her

The anxiety is so jarring man, someone please see my last post.

Two or three years ago I had this memory from when I was about 17. I was babysitting and one of the kids was asleep on my lap, I’d say she was 3 at the time. I squeezed my thighs together a times because I liked the way it felt (had absolutely nothing to do with the child) and then stopped because obviously it just felt weird that she was asleep on me. I remembered this a couple of years later and was so upset and told my boyfriend at the time and he said I did nothing wrong and I forgot about it. Years later something triggered the memory and I’m back to feeling absolutely horrible, this has been on my mind for the past 2/3 years. I’ve talked to my boyfriend and two close friends about it and they just think I’m being ridiculous but it doesn’t matter I still feel like a pedo and I don’t deserve anything in life. I’m afraid to talk to a therapist about it incase they take it up wrong. It had absolutely nothing to do with the child but the fact the child was there and asleep on me makes me feel disgusting and horrible. Anyone else have similar stories ?

I have just seen on you tube that it doesn’t matter if people wasn’t born gay they can change later in life I am going to keep praying to god I can’t take this anymore I have a girl friend and two kids this hell needs to end

I hate being a fearful avoidant in a committed relationship. It makes it seem like the relationship is the problem when it’s not. On top of having ROCD is a bitch. Every feeling is saying “I’d be happier alone, without a serious relationship, or taking things extremely slowly” but the reality is I want my partner. I literally fucking want him. We’ve been committed to each other since the beginning which was 5 years ago, and of course everyone has their moments of worry about commitment etc but this attachment style is really hard to deal with. I don’t act on the things that the fearful avoidant side tells me to act on bc that would be extremely tough and unhealthy and I know better. I hate that it feels like I agree or like these stupid feelings and thoughts . It’s just so hard that it tells me the relationship is holding me back etc when I know it’s actually not. I just want to learn to feel the beautiful freedom I desire while still being with my partner and not pushing our emotional or physical closeness away😞he’s my best friend and the love of my life and I always want him to be-even it the thoughts are scared to admit otherwise.

I’m just crying now. I feel like I’m being forced out of my relationship by my sexuality. Why can’t I stay with her?!? It’s not fair!!! I love her!! I really do how can I be in love this deeply if my brain says im gay. It feels like it’s already made it’s mind up that it’s time for me to end it??? Everyday it’s like I loose the control. The thoughts get worse, it feels more real, I feel like it makes more sense. IDC IF IT MAKES SENSE… I DON’t WANT IT! Please take it away I want my girlfriend. I love her

Not ocd related but I really to someone to talk to. I’m currently sitting in a urgent care parking lot waiting to be tested again for Covid because a couple days ago I tested negative but now my symptoms are worse and I can’t smell anything. I tried smelling bleach! Couldn’t smell it at all. Tried smelling perfume, chapstick, air freshener….nothing. Just very very subtle but I can tell I’ve lost my sense of smell. I feel kind of congested, tired, cough, headache, and the other day I had nausea but it’s possible maybe I tested too early because I was exposed to someone who has covid last Wednesday and I tested Sunday and I think it takes 5 to 6 days for it to show up. That or since I took a rapid and heard today it only has a 70% chance of accuracy than it could of been a false negative but I don’t know. I’m sitting in my car crying because of not only Covid but other things going on like losing a friend to drama and OCD being worse than ever, I just can’t help but feel anxious and scared. I’m scared of what if I exposed people especially my family like my grandma or my mom who I live with. They are both vaccinated but still the thought of something happening to them because of me not being careful enough terrifies me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. My little niece is visiting for a week and I’m worried that she’s gonna have to quarantine and what if I exposed her to Covid and then she gives it to my grandma or my mom for being around them too. Everything’s a mess and I feel like no one especially my mom gets it because she keeps telling me I have nothing to panic over but she doesn’t understand the fear. She’s mad at me because I wasn’t careful enough with masks and stuff and I just know I’m going to get blamed because that’s what my mom does. She takes anything about me and twists it to benefit herself. I just hope that everything will be ok.

When I was around 10 I went to a friends house and there were newborn kittens that a stray cat had birthed inside someone’s car. I asked that they be taken to the aspca in a box and the adult I spoke to said they could have disease and should not be touched. Next thing you know the men are throwing them across a fence… and I am crying. I don’t remember if I was able to voice them to stop. I feel very guilty that I couldn’t stop them. Then when I was around 13 I had a hamster that I didn’t take very good care of. It used to store food in the bedding so it was hard to tell when it needed food. So I fed it sort of irregularly bc it became a habit. The cage stank and my grandma put it on the balcony sometimes and it was cold at times. One day I came home and found it dead. Idk from starvation or coldness. I feel terrible. Then when I was 18 I had a puppy fly in from Korea. It was really small and it all of a sudden passed out so I rushed her to the vet. They saved her and said they force fed her a lot and told me to feed her every couple hours. It was nighttime when we got home and I thought she would be ok until the next morning so I put her in her area with food and water. The next morning she had passed away. I can’t help but think I took a chance with her life. Thinking she would be ok but not knowing she would be and still deciding to sleep and taking chance. Because of these 3 instances I feel unworthy of living. I don’t know how to sit with the guilt. It is too much. Why couldn’t I scream at the adults to stop throwing the kittens. Was I lazy was I too introverted was I in shock I don’t know but I don’t feel like I deserve to live at this point. Why didn’t I just feed the puppy every 3-4 hours throughout the night. Why didn’t I take very good care of the hamster and clean its cage regularly and feed it more regularly. How did I live till now without dwelling on the guilt from these instances. How can I live.

Losing my faith in God has made this that much harder. I’m not talking about praying as a compulsion. But I used to have strong faith and that made any anxiety or issues I had that much easier because I could just give it to God. Lately I’ve had so many questions and am barely hanging on by a thread. I used to be a youth pastor and now I feel like there’s no hope. Then throw on my newly developed OCD now the problems are compounded and I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed anymore. I’m just so sad but have a wife and kid I need to be present for. I’ve never gone through anything like this in my life, why now when I’m needed most by my family?

Does anyone have any advice on thought action fusion? I have moral scrupulosity ocd and if I think something bad, it’s just as bad as if I did whatever the thought was about. I think it’s getting worse because now if someone else says something bad or wrong, me hearing someone say something bad makes me just as guilty in my mind as if I were the one to have said it. This of course also ends up making me feel as bad as if I did the bad thing someone else said. I realize this is likely still thought action fusion but I can’t find a way to separate myself from my thoughts or now apparently also other bad things I hear people say. I’m really, really struggling with the guilt and shame and I am spiraling a bit. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice from this community.

My parents randomly just got super Christian like two years ago, used to be anti but they’re extremely religious particularly bc of the pandemic, they think like it’s gonna be uprising of Christ or something...(they are anti mask, vax) I am not Christian, and I personally disagree with their beliefs about the pandemic, at first I thought we just had differing opinions, but now I’m actually getting slightly worried. They’ve started calling ME Jesus and that “I’m the chosen one” and it honestly makes me really uncomfortable. Idk what to do, I’m getting a little worried, is that normal??? I feel like it’s not. (This is not meant to bash Christianity btw)