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Anyone else's OCD not able to handle bisexuality? Like its got to be one or the other, despite the fact I've had crushes on males and females at various points of my life?

I have some real events I can’t let go of… and I just can’t move on from them. (Sex related OCD) The first time I drank, I tried to kiss my best friend at the time. I was touchy, and I was feely. In ways I shouldn’t have been. I think at the time I believed she was reciprocating, that or I hoped she was. She told me to stop and I jumped up and stopped right away. Sobered me up real fast. We stopped talking for a year and reconnected again this year, and are now friends again. She forgave me told me it was all in the past and we’ve been good. But I still feel horrible about it, I feel I SA-d her and I deserve to die for it. Something simillar happened recently, with one of my friends who I can’t figure out if I like or not. I told her “I loved her a lot” a few months ago under the same conditions. She said it was overwhelming and everything. We don’t talk about it and are still best friends. She makes jokes sometimes “that I love her a little too much” which make me feel horrible, because I feel so sick about what happened. I feel I repeated history and I definitely need to die for this.

Hi friends! I have never posted before, and I am so sorry in advance for the longer post, but in the spirit of seeking recovery, I figured it would be good to get this out instead of internalizing everything like I usually do. My family and I are currently on a road trip, which means I’ve been spending long periods of time stationary with looots of time to think. Needless to say, I’ve had several mini episodes over the duration of this trip that have been pretty bad. Earlier tonight I was having an intrusive thought episode that felt so real and all consuming, and I have gotten to a point where I am just so tired of trying to resist and of fighting and of rumination, that I just had this moment of almost acceptance? I just thought, “you know what, this thought is true, this is who I am as a person, and I just have to accept it.” I don’t know what I was expecting or exactly what I wanted to happen after that, but I guess a part of me was hoping that if I just did that, then those thoughts and terrible moment would pass? But then of course, that was followed with the thought that by “accepting” it, I must not be bothered by the thoughts or never thought the nature of the thought is bad or wrong, which thereby only further proves that I truly am an evil and disturbed person, and that I now am just acknowledging the truth and embracing it. Has anyone ever experienced this or something similar? I would appreciate hearing however much anyone is willing and comfortable with sharing. It’s just an endless cycle where there is no winning. In my heart I know who I am and what I believe and the the things that are important to me, but that feels so far away and muddled now. I have been trying to carry on and not let OCD change the fabric of who I am (which I know ultimately it doesn’t, or shouldn’t), but I feel like I’m living a lie? It’s like I have a facade and am constantly trying to convince the people around me that I am a decent person to make up for/hide the fact that deep down I am a sinister person. I feel like even being myself, doesn’t truly feel like myself anymore? I don’t know. I know that recovery and healing is possible, but I’m just so scared that this is what the rest of my life will be like. Whew, I’m sorry again to dump all of this, but if you are still reading, thank you. On a side and more positive note, I am so grateful for this platform and so inspired by the bravery and resilience of all of you. 💛

ROCD - please help... I'm feeling desperate Hi... Prepare for a huge txt but I need to vent with someone because I need an opinion of what to do and what to feel. I can't tell if I'm overthinking or not. Or if I'm being a horrible person and I should even feel more guilty. This is about relationship ocd. I'm gay and I have a gf. We have been dating for almost 5 months and in absolutely in love with her. She's my everything and I'm so afraid to be unfair/cheating. I also have this friend (he's a guy btw) who's overly flirtatious with everyone and he's also super insecure about himself and takes a lot of things people say very personally. I also suffer from a bit of sexual orientation ocd and sometimes I fear that I have a crush on him or something... Even though I don't even want even cuddle him let alone anything else.... We have this joke between us that we are husband and wife (it started before I even knew that my gf confessed feelings for me) and I always feel guilty for not ending the joke with my friend because he'd get depressed and maybe harm himself... And yes! I did tell my gf about this joke and she's OK with it. His nickname is cookie and he started a joke once because I was eating cookies once and he started laughing because... Well... You know what it entails. And sometimes I'm saying I'm eating cookies to make him laugh... But now I regret it because I maybe I'm flirting with him or something. I don't really know what flirting is. I know when I'm flirting with my gf but not if I'm accidentally flirting with others. And flirting for me (yes... This is just my take on it. My choice. But I feel that *me*flirting is cheating and I don't want to do that... I sometimes feel a really tight bond with this friend and it scares me. I try to dismiss my thoughts but they scare me that I may have a crush on him or something... And I don't want that... I just want to love my gf. There was this time... Even before I was dating my gf (but it was after she confessed her feelings for me), I was playing games with cookie (he was watching me), and he said "you are so cute" in a tender voice and I sat there feeling flushed - like those feelings you have when you develop a crush? Idk if I was feeling a crush or not. And I somewhat panicked. I have false memories about that moment. Heck! Maybe I'm just fooling myself that those were false memories. I started feeling worried that I actually was happy with him being this loving to me.... But I do think that I assured myself that i didn't because I don't want to have a romantic relationship him but my memory fails me.... And I have doubts and worries that... I did want to be romantic with him (Im pretty sure I don't but not entirely...) One more event that has been guilt-tripping me is that... Once or twice... I acted or did something "cute" for him to compliment me... I can't remember what! Or maybe I'm having false memories again... And I think it's definitely flirting and therefore cheating! I hate myself... I've been crying and feeling miserable.... And I have been avoiding said friend. I regret so badly ever meeting this friend because I told him that he needs to stop with the lewd jokes about me and he hasn't. I feel like I should break with my gf because she deserves so much better... She's an angel and I don't deserve her. I love her so much... (I don't know if it helps but he's a very loving person and sometimes he says he wants to give me kisses and cuddles and I say "sure" because I don't want to hurt him but I'm always uncomfortable with that idea) Please help me... And please don't hate me... I'm so sorry.... I really just need a friend right now. PT. 2: A few months ago (2 maybe) me and a close friend were playing terraria and we had this enjoyable bond moment... Where we were laughing (the same has happened with other games) and I had the thought of "hey. Is this a crush?" (it was something along those lines) it'd be fine if it thought that and I dismissed it but there's more.... I began thinking "I feel happy, he makes me laugh and maybe we are better suited together" but... I can't remember the aftermath. Did I panic with this thought?? I can't remember what thoughts I had after.... I never remember if I said "no. Not possible" or if I accepted them.... And I'm panicking really bad rn and feeling like crap and very guilty... I think.... (I'm not sure) I told myself "well it's not possible... I wouldn't be able to date him. I can't imagine dating him and do romantic stuff, or more". But I'm not sure.... Maybe I brushed it off!! This is the logic explanation because it's obvious that I have relationship ocd!! But.... It's the doubts..... Again... I'm just afraid I didn't panic or dismiss the thoughts... I can't remember what happened next. It's always like this! I fixate and hold the ugly thoughts but I "conveniently" forget the rest of the thought process. This has happened with pocd too. It's the "I can't remember how I dealt with them" that is what is worrying me... I can't remember if I dismissed them or if I agree with them These thoughts, I feel so guilty.... I am crying so much because I don't want to hurt her.......... I love her so much.... I truly do.... I feel guilty because I think "how could I have such thoughts in the first place? She's perfect!" and I begin to think that she deserves better I fear that this is cheating...

Literally just had my other therapist, a non ocd-therapist, tell me about the dangers of doing an exposure my actual ocd therapist and I came up with, which was meant to be totally harmless and safe and with people around me to do it. She also mentioned other cases of OTHER atrocities that she could tie to my current theme and fears and put that into my head, so now I’m even MORE scared and nervous to try my exposure 😭😭😑 on one instance it’s my fault for sharing it with the other therapist but on the hand it’s like, “stop talking you’re ruining my exposure” she even said she didn’t know what ERP was or much about OCD and she might’ve just ruined it for me now.

Alright. My last ocd spiral that was I think possibly the worst was when the guy I considered the love of my life and I stopped talking because he was unhappy and im pretty sure my ocd was getting worse. When we would fight i would obsess and when we weren’t we were spending so much time together. I was jealous and insecure. So we stopped talking and he said that however many years from now if one of us felt ready to talk we would hit the person up. I was really bad i didn’t want him to go and would message him on all the blocked accounts because i missed him so much and would think of him constantly. Ir was a rocky road and have only now been able to talk about us. We were basically sexually involved but with feelings? It was all online though. Typing this is extremely hard. Anyway our last actual conversation was in 2020 he has added me back on Snapchat and idk what to do. I finally feel stable and healthy im back in school, i put back all the weight i lost, there are still things that i have to work on but im finally ok again. I honestly am unsure if i should accept and add maybe talk? Idk if he did it on purpose or what? Idk how long ago he sent the request but im thinking to myself and am like no you’re not ready? But im like will I ever be ready? Am i saying this because he left me and i want to make him wait? Because i miss talking to him but i think my head isn’t in thw right space. Im pretty sure he said he would only message when he wasn’t into me anymore. Idk if i will ever not be into him? But one of the best years of my life was when i was talking to him even with all the ups and downs. When i got the request i was shaking. What should i do? I do enjoy his talks. At one point i was sure we would never talk and had gotten comfortable with the idea.

There is no one on Ali Greymond when it comes to ocd. She was born to help people.

Why does hocd feel so real at times it’s honestly soul destroying excuse you know it isn’t. I don’t know what to tell myself when it feels real.

I want to share with you my theme. It's weird and I don't think it's relatable. Sorry for my mistakes, English is my second language. I think I'm asexual and I think it's cool. I also don't want to have romantic relationship. I've never been aroused, and I never m*sturbate. And I don't want to. But my OCD tells me that I want, that I'm broken, that I need to do it and stuff. It started this fall, in October. First of all, I have some "under there" illness, I don't know what it is exactly. Secondly, my friend I think have high libido and I secretly uncomfortable when she talk about s*x stuff. Couple of times she said "Who don't m*sturbate in our world?" and I don't say that I am. I felt guilty. I thought everyone just joking when they say about this stuff, but NO? Here comes new theme of OCD, new (and the worst) episode of it... Hear me out: my groin hurts » I think it's arousal » I need to try m*bate. It's so scary to me, because I don't want to do it, I don't think I will ever do this, because it's gross for me. It comes almost every night, even when my aunty died 😭 Intrusive thoughts got worse in November - I've had my first panic attack (not first-first, but scariest of all panic attack that I got before). It got triggered by some photo of boy, another attacks got triggered by photo or video of some girl (not really erotic, just naked parts of the body like abc or kisses) ... I don't want to remember. My head hurts so bad, my hands are shaking, my heart beats faster... And I also have some feelings under there that scares me (remember, I told you about my illness before, this is because of it mostly, also groinal response maybe). Now I afraid of being aroused and also really afraid of being touched (not only in "down there") by me or someone else, I sadly have difficulties to go to shower because of it. My intrusive thoughts includes unwanted s*x images about me, my friends and strangers and " Do it, it's not scary" thing. I also scared of some type of faces, bodies and haircuts I'm afraid it will never get better and I'm just h*rny. Sometimes I wish I had another intrusive thoughts, not like these...

I read this thing online about how relationships we have with people are based on our childhood experiences and people are their to teach us things about our inner selves but that sometimes we don’t need that lesson anymore or it’s served and the people outgrow the relationship . I’m worried now that I will outgrow my relationship when I don’t want to I want us to stay together . Like I can see people who are married and they now seem miserable together , my boyfriend and I are talking g about mariage and he is from a different culture , he tells me he worries about me not enjoying his culture as he wants to move back to his home country and I would be expected to move back too , he says in his culture people marry for life and it is different to the UK. For someone who suffers with ROCD anyway , this pressure feels unbearable I’m unable to process everything that’s going on but I do know that I want things to work out between us . Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent and write it out .

How do you get over the fear of talking about your emotions? Real event OCD has been literally grabbing me by the hair and swinging me around recently… because of events that have happened in the past, I find it really hard to talk to people in general. I restrict myself on what I say. I’m reserved, secretive, and passive. I just agree with people and I can’t say no. Of course, I can’t tell anyone that, otherwise they’ll feel like I’m being rude, or that this whole time I’ve been a ‘disingenuous’ friend. Talking about my feelings is an absolute no-go. Like said, I restrict myself on everything that I say. If I’m happy, no one will know. If I’m sad, no one will know. I’ve turned myself into an emotionless machine that runs on autopilot because I’m so scared of people knowing how I feel thus in most situations I just repress everything. The apathetic temperament I’ve taken up is even making every day just feel like it’s the same. The fear is that I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of how people are going to respond, and because of the few events that happened in the past, I feel like I’m going to be made out as some sort of ‘villain’ — that which I’ve painted myself for so many years. I think that’s literally it. I paint myself as a villain. No matter what I say, I will feel like the bad person who always is in the wrong. It’s unresolved trauma I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring up again. I was blamed for a lot of things, so I’m afraid even the simplest of things is going to make people hurt or offended. That is why I don’t show my emotions — so there’s absolutely no way that people can respond to them. I don’t know if that made any sense at all. But I’m just so exhausted of talking to people as somebody that I’m not. Hiding everything, having to agree to things I don’t want to agree to, I’m miserable and tired. But like said, if I tell people I need alone time, they’re going to think I’m being mean or that I don’t want to be around them, which is definitely not what I want I’m saying. Christmas Day was the first day in about 3 years I finally had offline. No phone, no socialising. It was the most relaxed I’d ever been in years. I could cry thinking about how I want Christmas Day to play over and over. Just my mum, my brother & I, sitting on the floor and eating crisps whilst watching her build this new cabinet my dad got me… even my mum noticed that I was more relaxed. I wasn’t disturbed by so many intrusive thoughts. The only thing is that it wasn’t actually me that asked to spend a day offline. If my friend didn’t ask me if I wanted to stay off Christmas Day, I wouldn’t have said anything and would’ve been on my phone all day, which is something I really don’t want to do. I feel like it’s bad that sometimes I want my friends to ignore me just so I don’t have to tell them myself that I want to be alone. I don’t know what they’ll say to me which scares me. This is all making me realise I really need to be vocal. But I can’t do it. I’m going to offend people no matter what. I feel like I’m stuck in an eternal nightmare of fearing that I’ll hurt someone in some way. I just feel like the detriment of myself and the happiness of others is a lot easier than finding the strength to talk about how I feel. It’s just easier this way.

Can someone please respond to this.. Has anyone ever acted on a thought? I have and I believe it to be a horrible sin, as it is mentioned as one. How do I forgive myself? It is a really weird thing because when it happened I was in such a dark place. I honest to God should have been locked up. I had been self harming and attempted suicide around this time too. I had expressed to my mother how mentally unwell I was and she didn’t take it seriously at all. I don’t want to blame her but I know for a fact if I was taken seriously it wouldn’t have happened. My mind was screaming at me to do things all day long in a way I can’t even explain. My ocd is still with me every day but 9-10 years ago when this was happening it was BAD. I Didn’t have thoughts of my own. Only ocd. Id take sleeping pills to keep myself asleep and id have dreams of doing bad things. So I convinced myself I needed to see if I enjoyed it so I did it to see. Turns out nope. Didn’t like it it was just ocd. And that sin has cost me my mental sanity and love for myself. If anyone has gone through this how did you forgive yourself? Do you think god will forgive you? I know I’m not supposed to ask these things but despite what it says I actually get peace from reassurance. And I know I’m not the only one.

I just got my own kitten today and am having a lot of ocd and anxiety about it 😞. I grew up with dogs and a cat my entire life in my family home and never had a problem. Although since moving into my own place I’ve never had one of my own specifically. I got my kitten today (I love my family pets and always wanted my own) but I’m soooo anxious. My ocd is terrible!’ Im worrying what if it was the wrong choice, what if something goes wrong , he ruins something, chews chords and causes a fire, changes my feeling of control over my living space, contamination fears , etc. whyyyyyyy do I feel this what do I do

Existential OCD and death OCD seem to be the hardest themes to deal with in my experience. Because at some point I won’t be here anymore. Any advice?

My rocd is getting worse. My anxiety is sky high and the ringing in my ears won't stop. My partner who is the focus of my obsession says that she doesn't care if I have ocd and feels that I'm attacking her integrity and character. I sometimes would rather be in a coma than be awake for this feeling.

Please someone help me I think its a fate that I remain single and alone forever. I hate that no one can see any quality on me and that I have no one to talk or chat and looks like I am worthless. So I thought, if no one loves me, I must accept the fact that I am lonely and typed in pormhub to watch something. Thing is I didnt felt aroused or excited or horny. I dont know, I am not feeling nothing. Idk what to do. I could sleep but I cant too. I am so broken. I dont want to feel alone anymore.

I need support. Things have gotten so bad that I have to rehome my dogs. I'm distraught and I feel bad for my son. But I need to get better and unbidden my husband.

have been in a committed long distance relationship for 6 years. At the 1.5 year mark when I was 16 and my boyfriend was 17. A girls friend came forward and told me that her friend slept with my boyfriend. At the time he lived with other billet brothers as well in a very small town The girl had no text messages the only thing she knew was what his bedroom looked like and parts of the house.. As well her friend sent me a screen shot of a text the girl sent her saying that she banged my boyfriend don’t tell anyone 3 days after the date she gave me. and 5 days before she told me my boyfriend posted a picture of us and someone put her username on the post and was liked by her friends. I knew they were friends and snap chatted each other. She didn’t apologize and she told me she was cheated on in the past… she made herself look really good. She gave me a specific time frame she said she went to his place at 6:00 pm and left at 8:30. At the time I was petrified of him cheating on me so I constantly obsessed and watched his location. So I remember that night and I had texts that we had at around 7:00. I found pictures that proved he was not home until 8:00 and his billet parents talked to me going through calendars saying that she believed they watched a movie that night which is what my boyfriend told me they did that night. I also talked to someone who had a kid at the same event as my boyfriend and told me the time frame his team was there till. I remembered all the info because I was already petrified. I have talked to my mom ( who was cheated on by my dad and destroyed my family) and she doesn’t believe it. I told 2 of my best friends and they say it didn’t happen. Now even with all this information the OCD won’t let me move on… bottom line is I believe my boyfriend and as well all the information that I have found backs up his story but there’s always the “what if” for about 3 years I was handling it well until covid and I had to isolate for 2 weeks. My OCD tells me that 1. my boyfriends a cheater… 2. that I am a weak person… 3: that my relationship isn’t whole… 4. that I am stupid… 5. that because this girl said this it has to be true… 6. that ur always supposed to believe the girl… it shows me images of them having sex in my head… 7. It tells me what I remember is false… ( which makes me go in loops of reassuring myself and asking others) 8. that his billet parents are lying for him (even though I had a close relationship with them both),… 9. that some how it must have happened 10. i get this pit drop in my stomach, 11. heart palpitations when it got really bad 12. And some times it’s just a feeling that I know it’s there 13. other times it makes me hate my boyfriend 14. when it comes I start to avoid my boyfriend and he notices…, 15. triggers include hockey rinks, when I meet someone that was from close to where he played hockey my OCD says what if they know something you don’t. Seeing teammates that were on that team with him. Hearing the name of the town. I have immense regret on how I handled the situation I go over what I would do differently etc, for ex. I never confronted her when it happened about about what I found because I felt like I didn’t need to and I always regretted not confronting her so my OCD got so bad that I did confront her 4 years later I thought maybe this girl would confess to lying years later now that she is older… just last month I dm’d her and I told her my proof and she pretty much told me what’s her motive ( even though she told me she was in love with him)… that she doesn’t care about my so called proof and that he cheated on me and I decided to stay… She was so bloody mean. Now this is like an extra ammo for OCD because now there is someone a real person saying that my OCD is right. I have talked to my boyfriend and he has talked to other teammates that he plays with now about it because he doesn’t know what to do. I am beyond stuck. I don’t want to leave this relationship because it is so good and I love him so much but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. You guys might be asking why I have stayed if I could leave tomorrow and this could all be gone… it’s because if I leave my OCD wins and it will just move onto something else. I’m just so tired of fighting the battle in my mind I don’t want to do it anymore. I have looked into ERP therapy but I don’t know how it will help me when my OCD is based off of a real life event that I wasn’t there for. Being cheated on is my worst fear in life because of my parents, I believe they are the worst type of people, and that’s why if he did this to me I’m with a horrible person and that’s why it has so much power…

I never wanted to die I have 4 kids I’ve always found happiness in stuff but I new ppl thought the only way to stop there suffering was to die and now I’m at the point we’re I can understand that more I’m here begging for help wanting to get on medication and do exposure and response therapy I want to feel peace in my mind I live amongst ppl who are normal but I can’t think like them I want to no wat it’s like to not have ocd but I can’t get help I can get ssi and be disabled but can’t get the proper care cause nowere takes my insurance ppl keep telling me places but I’ve called them nowere in Tennessee can help me I also have depression and anxiety I’m also on suboxene a few years ago I admitted myself and they discharged me in 3 days told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to an ocd place in Chicago but they denied me cause of my insurance they gave me klonopins in the hospital which changed my life it was the first time I had been prescribed an anxiety medication that helped me feel better in that instant cause I was so upset bout them touching my stuff and the amount of clothes they were telling me I could bring and that I couldn’t bring qtips and all those things are apart of my dressing rituals so I literally felt like I was dieing they gave me klonopins which helped me relax more sent me home wit a prescription the doctors made it so hard for me to get my medicine I had just been threw so much I just wanted my medicine but that just aggravated me I was tired of not being treated I was tired of being denied proper care I was tired of going every month to get medicine that I need to take the rest of my life I was tired of being treated like a drug addict for klonopins so I got on drugs I started takeing pain medication it numbed me to were I was relaxed and wasn’t worrying as much but then I got to were I needed the drugs I had no money everything sucked I got on suboxene but now that’s 1 more thing I have an issue wit this shouldn’t be this hard to get help and to get the medication I need I’m so tired of jumping threw hoops for help everything is so difficult you gotta call a million times explain everything all the time deal wit medications and pharmacy’s and just so much bullshit like just give me the help I need so I can be more normal so I can work so I can support myself so I can have a better life and better quality of life and give me peace in my brain this is the reason death is the only way to make it stop forever that’s wat I want is to make it stop forever no more pain and suffering to just live a normal life I want peace forever and rite now there only 1 way of getting that and that’s not being here anymore.

I hate this i just saw my man today happy to see him but i felt disconnected...i had some happy moments ofc. And felt a nee love here and there more like a happy forever love. Then my brain would be like are you sure?...then it would just doubt everything. I felt so uncertain but i fell asleep in his arms. And i kept saying hes so perfect. I want him so much. But my ROCD...its killing me...my brain also kept saying oh hes like a brother just because i feel comfortable around him.