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Is my boyfriend the trigger to my rocd.. soemtimes I overthink more when he’s around but Sometimes I have spirals alone and over analyze alone . It hurts my entire souls and heart to think he’s the trigger because I don’t wanna have to break up with him to get better . I don’t wanna leave him I love him so much it makes my chest so heavy to think it’s him who triggers these intrusive thoughts . My mom and therapist said it could be myself my own head . I don’t wanna leave him. My therapist also said if I I realize it’s him maybe it’s best to leave but I cannot leave him . I cannot leave him I love and care and it’s been a year of my life why throw it away . Can’t I work through this cant I get better . There’s no way it’s because of him now I’m just having such anxiety and overthinking thoughts about do I need to leave him do I have to leave him . Is it him .

please help every time i get the groinal response i go back to whatever i was looking at, at look at it again then look away. i repeat this over and over until i can successfully do this without getting the groinal response. i’ve also noticed when i get the groinal response i experience a shortness of breath. it makes me feel like i enjoy when i really hate it. i just want to make this go away but i have no idea how to do that. i also procrastinate and can’t do what i want to do until the compulsion i mentioned above is just right.

I’m so afraid to lose him over this I’m so afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true I’m starting to think do I need this relationship do we bring out the worst in each other I just want to be better for the both of us . So bad . I wanna get over this . I keep crying and crying overthinking in this loop . thinking what if this what if that what of all of this is true that we bring out the worst in each other that we won’t be better that we can’t work on this . I’m so draining and I’m an overload but he said don’t feels sorry he knows my thoughts aren’t true and he said we will be okay and work on things and get better he said it’s apart of a relationship. But all my brain can think is negative shit and I’m tired of it . I’m so scared to lose him over this . I’m losing myself .

I wanted to share something that’s been helping me with my SOOCD ruminations, but it may not be helpful for everyone. ~ this might be triggering so read on at your own risk ~ What if you didn’t use a label for your sexuality? Imagine just letting yourself love your current partner (or whatever partner you want) for who they are and not putting soooooo much weight on attraction. A feeling. One that ebbs and flows. I’m reminding myself that I get to choose to love my fiancé. That I know he’s an amazing human and a great partner. I know he’s the one I want to be with. When I remove the labels, it allows me to just be people with him. This has made it easier for me to not linger on what I am or am not. Labels were hurting me, but love wins.

PLEASE HELP ME Man I was so close! I’m trying to get my post count down to zero basically. And I am at six posts in 24 hours and it has gone down from double digits. But I had a scary experience in my head. I mean anyway sorry I don’t know what I was gonna say there. But someone was asking how to get their guy to look at them. Ice actually saw this on Facebook it’s a common enough subject so it pops up anywhere. I’m scared boobs are I don’t want big boob women to be sexy I was remembering the trend of I’m scared I must be I don’t wanna be bisexual! And I’m scared of what’s in my heart because of this I’m scared I do but I’ve seen all nice I said nice I don’t want women to be nice looking I’ve seen all kinds of women in shape and out of shape naked and it doesn’t do it for me. And any anyway I’m just scared I’m lying and I don’t wanna be lying to myself but I don’t want that life I don’t want that to be sexy to me! But I remember the trend where you drop a towel in front of your boyfriend naked and they stop playing their video games and go after you and I’m scared all of them but none of them are better than my guy but I’m front of I thought it was certain kind of woman who is really tall curvy and I’m scared I do I don’t like it I don’t want long legs I don’t want dig perky boobs natural or otherwise. And I’m scared of had a feeling in my brain and somewhere else I want I’m hoping it’s not my heart but I’m scared I had a feeling like that is and I don’t want it to be sexy. And then I’m scared I am and I said nothing and I almost smile about it but I don’t wanna be bisexual! I don’t want to I don’t want boobs to sexy and I want I can a muscular is are but at them and to be to my guy but they’re not sexy and they just bigger and more muscular and tanner but that doesn’t equate to sexier to me but I don’t wanna think those kind I don’t wanna have a type of woman in my head that is I don’t want any kind of woman to be sexy in that capacity I’m frightened of the feelings I had like in my brain and I keep saying heart I don’t want this to migrate to my heart I want it to stay in my head! I mean I would rather it leave but I don’t want to go anywhere else I’m scared I’m smiling I said but I don’t like Albans I don’t like any kind and I keep imagining a woman with her hip out and she’s like holding the towel and she drops it in my I’m smiling in my brains acting like it is but it’s not sexy that weird feeling isn’t coming back but why did it pop up at all I’m scared I don’t imagine doing what guys and babies do and I even had my mouth open I don’t want boobs I don’t want any kind of boobs to be sex! I don’t want to be bisexual! I’m scared of the smiling in the feeling I felt I’m scared there is a certain but I’ve looked at all kinds of women naked whether they’re in shape or not all height or weights all ethnicities they’re not that kind of sexy and I’m frightened

WARNING So, I don't know if it is false memory or real event ocd, because my memory is really foggy. It's a kinda disgusting topic, but I'm at a really bad state, my stomach aches every day because of the thoughts. A few years ago, when I was 15-17, taboo or gross things interested me and found satisfying like pimple popping or pooping. Most of the time I was disgusted by the pooping topic, it was uncomfortable me to think about sexy guys or other people also poop, but I found interesting or funny, when animals did it. And there is two memory: 1. I was watching the dog pooping, and somehow found satisfying. 2. I saw a youtube video about a poor lizard, who couldn't poop, and I really wanted to see it poop. Here comes the intrusive thoughts: what if I found these things sexually arousing, just I don’t remember, because I didn't realize it, or I thought it natural? I'm sooo sick and ashamed and I know I never get certainty about this topic, but what if it really aroused me? I don't feel anything now if I see a dog pooping, just awkwardness (and anxiety if my ocd pops up), but nonetheless I feel I'm a disgusting person, and I feel if these 2 memories really happened the way I fear, I don't deserve my parents, my siblings, my friends and I don't deserve a normal romantic partner. I told this to my best friend and she said that dispite the curiousity, it seems to her that's false memory ocd, but She said that if it really happened, it's in the past and I'm not a disgusting person, just teenage hormones fucked up my mind and made wrong associations. I don't believe her, and still feel like a disgusting weird pervert. I don't know how can I overcome this, I'm literally physically sick of these thoughts...

PLEASE HELP ME I was looking on Poshmark. And I saw some dress that looked up at the boobs were hanging out a little bit but thank God they were basically covered and I don’t like it but then I’m scared I started to blush and I’m frighten because I don’t want to feel better saying nothing but when I don’t like boobs let alone nothing but. And then I continue to look at the several pictures the seller put and they all had bigger boobs and I’m frightened that I thought always when I’ve never like boobs and I’m frightened that I’m starting to change and I don’t want my opinion or lack of feeling I should say about boobs to change I don’t like boobs why did I blush?! And I’m scared I felt like I was but I was never lying about my lack of attraction or interest-door like you know my lack of liking boobs like and now I’m scared there was always a lack and now I’m scared I do but I don’t like boobs and I don’t want that to change I didn’t like when I first looked at it but now I keep thinking oh feel like I am when I’m not lying. I don’t wanna start liking boobs I don’t want anything less! I’m scared I keep nodding like I do I don’t like big round boobs I don’t like the sides and now after seeing that I act like but I don’t like the way they I miss them and yet making this weird face like something bad I better like patrols and boys and I kept saying in my head pectorals in but I don’t want to be bisexual I don’t like pectorals and boobs I just like pectorals and said I just now so can’t help it like I don’t like boobs that’s the whole point ! I don’t like patrols boobs I just like boys I don’t like boobs I just like pectorals I don’t fucking like boobs and now I’m acting like I keep nodding up and down if I’m straight why would I not up and down I don’t miss boobs hanging! I don’t like them I don’t miss them and now I make faces as though I don’t when I’ve always like pectorals I don’t like boobs! Why is this happening!? I keep saying feel so natural but it doesn’t feel right so I guess it’s not really natural I don’t like boobs I am scared I keep thinking of them now and thinking of pectorals like I keep nodding up and down like but I don’t miss boobs hanging and I act like but I don’t miss the hanging nature I don’t like a structure and I almost called it but it’s not delicious I don’t want boobs I don’t want boys to hang in that capacity I don’t want boobs and now I’m acting like mail body parts are when they’re not nasty they’re better than what they go into I don’t I’m scared I keep I’m scared I I like it I’m scared I can help I I’m I’m not fascinated this feel good I don’t want to suddenly change I see what like all of a sudden like a voice I keep saying that like it’s positive and I can’t stop imagining hanging boobs and I’m scared I actually keep like putting my hand out like almost as a gesture of emphasis and then I keep doing a cupping gesture like I do but I don’t miss hanging boobs I’m scared to do it like this it’s not proof I’m scared I can help I’m scared I’m thinking of the celebrity I looked at yesterday she was basically wearing a naked dress and I didn’t like her boobs I don’t like the shape or structure but I’m scared that I am start I don’t miss boobs I don’t want them I don’t want boys to hang like that I don’t want boobs I don’t want boys to have them and I said boobs are so much more they’re not better they’re disgusting they’re not better I don’t miss the way they hang I know I don’t like boobs but part of my brain is kind of like almost frozen like I can’t except like I can’t get around like like I don’t like hanging boobs though I keep saying like I do I don’t like hanging boobs I don’t miss them and I can’t stop making a face like I don’t but I like I don’t like hanging boobs I like pectoral I don’t wanna understand where heterosexual guys are coming from I’m scared I can’t stop thinking because they were all big and round I’m fine I don’t want to be in the middle I don’t want to start changing I don’t like the roundness but of boobs I don’t want the way they hang I don’t want I want my head or sexuality one boys and want to to we and like myself and I act like I’m scared I don’t like I’m scared I’m looking at them differently but not really feeling different just stressed and it’s not like I care about judgment or society I just I said like and I keep thinking of the redness of boobs but I like boys I just like I’m scared I am after all the time I thought about it like I was conditioning but I don’t wanna start liking boobs I just like boys I don’t like boobs

I am 19 years old have been with my boyfriend for 1 year I love him deep in my heart but I have so many obsessed thoughts about do I love him , is he the one for me , do I really love him it’s drowning me I can’t go on like this . I don’t want to break up with him I get into these episodes where I get so far in my head . I don’t wanna give up on me and him because I know he makes me happy and just I hate these doubts I obsessed over them . and it kills me and worries me if these thoughts are true why would I still be with him . Please help me through this and better cope . And it hurts so much to think I don’t love him I break down and cry and cry about it I just want to feel the happiness I know is there with my partner . It started out of no where and I don’t understand why . The more I read about relationship ocd the more I think I have it . Then I get intrusive thoughts do I really love him for the rights reason am I just using him for my happiness do I really need this I’m so scared and I cry and cry and cry because it just can’t be true

I am getting so depressed with this now. I didnt do the erp over xmas as felt better but now it has come back. I don't know if this erp is working although saying that I have worked through some tough ones and they no longer bother me. This is the longest I have ever had OCD for and stuck on one thought. I feel such a fool because I KNOW it is all made up in my head but I just believe it. I had 2 people I confided my intrusive thoughts in about their grandaughter.......I am stuck on what I said to them...."what if, when I was asleep my leg touched her leg and then because I thought I dont wear underwear in bed, what if my front bit touched her leg?' This to me is the absolute worse thing I could ever have said and it has not left me since they fell out with me over Covid 4 months ago.... It has gone round and round and round in my head. The thing is their response wasn't one of shock or anything but they said they worried like that when looking after a friends little girl. They helped me out so much with that spike and took me to yoga and the lady came to a mental health walk with me although no one turned up. She called me all the time and even read up about OCD not realising how much I suffered until she read about it. Why, then, is my mind making me think that now, after them falling out with me over covid do I think like this and think they think the thoughts i told them were real? I have imagined they have told my friend (the dad) about my thoughts even though i asked them once what would he think and they said he would laugh. I just cant seem to get this conversation 'what if my front bit touched her leg' out of my head and think I am such an awful awful person. I hate the fact they have fallen out with me as I have known them for years. Their son doesnt bother with me as he has a new wife who is a nurse but then I start thinking all sorts. He has always been a selfish person and not bothered with me since he met her but my mind is all over the place thinking they are all talking about me and this one sentence I said years ago. Before they fell out with me our relationship was great and went out all the time. I hate OCD.

Anyone else's OCD not able to handle bisexuality? Like its got to be one or the other, despite the fact I've had crushes on males and females at various points of my life?

I have some real events I can’t let go of… and I just can’t move on from them. (Sex related OCD) The first time I drank, I tried to kiss my best friend at the time. I was touchy, and I was feely. In ways I shouldn’t have been. I think at the time I believed she was reciprocating, that or I hoped she was. She told me to stop and I jumped up and stopped right away. Sobered me up real fast. We stopped talking for a year and reconnected again this year, and are now friends again. She forgave me told me it was all in the past and we’ve been good. But I still feel horrible about it, I feel I SA-d her and I deserve to die for it. Something simillar happened recently, with one of my friends who I can’t figure out if I like or not. I told her “I loved her a lot” a few months ago under the same conditions. She said it was overwhelming and everything. We don’t talk about it and are still best friends. She makes jokes sometimes “that I love her a little too much” which make me feel horrible, because I feel so sick about what happened. I feel I repeated history and I definitely need to die for this.

Hi friends! I have never posted before, and I am so sorry in advance for the longer post, but in the spirit of seeking recovery, I figured it would be good to get this out instead of internalizing everything like I usually do. My family and I are currently on a road trip, which means I’ve been spending long periods of time stationary with looots of time to think. Needless to say, I’ve had several mini episodes over the duration of this trip that have been pretty bad. Earlier tonight I was having an intrusive thought episode that felt so real and all consuming, and I have gotten to a point where I am just so tired of trying to resist and of fighting and of rumination, that I just had this moment of almost acceptance? I just thought, “you know what, this thought is true, this is who I am as a person, and I just have to accept it.” I don’t know what I was expecting or exactly what I wanted to happen after that, but I guess a part of me was hoping that if I just did that, then those thoughts and terrible moment would pass? But then of course, that was followed with the thought that by “accepting” it, I must not be bothered by the thoughts or never thought the nature of the thought is bad or wrong, which thereby only further proves that I truly am an evil and disturbed person, and that I now am just acknowledging the truth and embracing it. Has anyone ever experienced this or something similar? I would appreciate hearing however much anyone is willing and comfortable with sharing. It’s just an endless cycle where there is no winning. In my heart I know who I am and what I believe and the the things that are important to me, but that feels so far away and muddled now. I have been trying to carry on and not let OCD change the fabric of who I am (which I know ultimately it doesn’t, or shouldn’t), but I feel like I’m living a lie? It’s like I have a facade and am constantly trying to convince the people around me that I am a decent person to make up for/hide the fact that deep down I am a sinister person. I feel like even being myself, doesn’t truly feel like myself anymore? I don’t know. I know that recovery and healing is possible, but I’m just so scared that this is what the rest of my life will be like. Whew, I’m sorry again to dump all of this, but if you are still reading, thank you. On a side and more positive note, I am so grateful for this platform and so inspired by the bravery and resilience of all of you. 💛

ROCD - please help... I'm feeling desperate Hi... Prepare for a huge txt but I need to vent with someone because I need an opinion of what to do and what to feel. I can't tell if I'm overthinking or not. Or if I'm being a horrible person and I should even feel more guilty. This is about relationship ocd. I'm gay and I have a gf. We have been dating for almost 5 months and in absolutely in love with her. She's my everything and I'm so afraid to be unfair/cheating. I also have this friend (he's a guy btw) who's overly flirtatious with everyone and he's also super insecure about himself and takes a lot of things people say very personally. I also suffer from a bit of sexual orientation ocd and sometimes I fear that I have a crush on him or something... Even though I don't even want even cuddle him let alone anything else.... We have this joke between us that we are husband and wife (it started before I even knew that my gf confessed feelings for me) and I always feel guilty for not ending the joke with my friend because he'd get depressed and maybe harm himself... And yes! I did tell my gf about this joke and she's OK with it. His nickname is cookie and he started a joke once because I was eating cookies once and he started laughing because... Well... You know what it entails. And sometimes I'm saying I'm eating cookies to make him laugh... But now I regret it because I maybe I'm flirting with him or something. I don't really know what flirting is. I know when I'm flirting with my gf but not if I'm accidentally flirting with others. And flirting for me (yes... This is just my take on it. My choice. But I feel that *me*flirting is cheating and I don't want to do that... I sometimes feel a really tight bond with this friend and it scares me. I try to dismiss my thoughts but they scare me that I may have a crush on him or something... And I don't want that... I just want to love my gf. There was this time... Even before I was dating my gf (but it was after she confessed her feelings for me), I was playing games with cookie (he was watching me), and he said "you are so cute" in a tender voice and I sat there feeling flushed - like those feelings you have when you develop a crush? Idk if I was feeling a crush or not. And I somewhat panicked. I have false memories about that moment. Heck! Maybe I'm just fooling myself that those were false memories. I started feeling worried that I actually was happy with him being this loving to me.... But I do think that I assured myself that i didn't because I don't want to have a romantic relationship him but my memory fails me.... And I have doubts and worries that... I did want to be romantic with him (Im pretty sure I don't but not entirely...) One more event that has been guilt-tripping me is that... Once or twice... I acted or did something "cute" for him to compliment me... I can't remember what! Or maybe I'm having false memories again... And I think it's definitely flirting and therefore cheating! I hate myself... I've been crying and feeling miserable.... And I have been avoiding said friend. I regret so badly ever meeting this friend because I told him that he needs to stop with the lewd jokes about me and he hasn't. I feel like I should break with my gf because she deserves so much better... She's an angel and I don't deserve her. I love her so much... (I don't know if it helps but he's a very loving person and sometimes he says he wants to give me kisses and cuddles and I say "sure" because I don't want to hurt him but I'm always uncomfortable with that idea) Please help me... And please don't hate me... I'm so sorry.... I really just need a friend right now. PT. 2: A few months ago (2 maybe) me and a close friend were playing terraria and we had this enjoyable bond moment... Where we were laughing (the same has happened with other games) and I had the thought of "hey. Is this a crush?" (it was something along those lines) it'd be fine if it thought that and I dismissed it but there's more.... I began thinking "I feel happy, he makes me laugh and maybe we are better suited together" but... I can't remember the aftermath. Did I panic with this thought?? I can't remember what thoughts I had after.... I never remember if I said "no. Not possible" or if I accepted them.... And I'm panicking really bad rn and feeling like crap and very guilty... I think.... (I'm not sure) I told myself "well it's not possible... I wouldn't be able to date him. I can't imagine dating him and do romantic stuff, or more". But I'm not sure.... Maybe I brushed it off!! This is the logic explanation because it's obvious that I have relationship ocd!! But.... It's the doubts..... Again... I'm just afraid I didn't panic or dismiss the thoughts... I can't remember what happened next. It's always like this! I fixate and hold the ugly thoughts but I "conveniently" forget the rest of the thought process. This has happened with pocd too. It's the "I can't remember how I dealt with them" that is what is worrying me... I can't remember if I dismissed them or if I agree with them These thoughts, I feel so guilty.... I am crying so much because I don't want to hurt her.......... I love her so much.... I truly do.... I feel guilty because I think "how could I have such thoughts in the first place? She's perfect!" and I begin to think that she deserves better I fear that this is cheating...

Literally just had my other therapist, a non ocd-therapist, tell me about the dangers of doing an exposure my actual ocd therapist and I came up with, which was meant to be totally harmless and safe and with people around me to do it. She also mentioned other cases of OTHER atrocities that she could tie to my current theme and fears and put that into my head, so now I’m even MORE scared and nervous to try my exposure 😭😭😑 on one instance it’s my fault for sharing it with the other therapist but on the hand it’s like, “stop talking you’re ruining my exposure” she even said she didn’t know what ERP was or much about OCD and she might’ve just ruined it for me now.

Alright. My last ocd spiral that was I think possibly the worst was when the guy I considered the love of my life and I stopped talking because he was unhappy and im pretty sure my ocd was getting worse. When we would fight i would obsess and when we weren’t we were spending so much time together. I was jealous and insecure. So we stopped talking and he said that however many years from now if one of us felt ready to talk we would hit the person up. I was really bad i didn’t want him to go and would message him on all the blocked accounts because i missed him so much and would think of him constantly. Ir was a rocky road and have only now been able to talk about us. We were basically sexually involved but with feelings? It was all online though. Typing this is extremely hard. Anyway our last actual conversation was in 2020 he has added me back on Snapchat and idk what to do. I finally feel stable and healthy im back in school, i put back all the weight i lost, there are still things that i have to work on but im finally ok again. I honestly am unsure if i should accept and add maybe talk? Idk if he did it on purpose or what? Idk how long ago he sent the request but im thinking to myself and am like no you’re not ready? But im like will I ever be ready? Am i saying this because he left me and i want to make him wait? Because i miss talking to him but i think my head isn’t in thw right space. Im pretty sure he said he would only message when he wasn’t into me anymore. Idk if i will ever not be into him? But one of the best years of my life was when i was talking to him even with all the ups and downs. When i got the request i was shaking. What should i do? I do enjoy his talks. At one point i was sure we would never talk and had gotten comfortable with the idea.

There is no one on Ali Greymond when it comes to ocd. She was born to help people.

Why does hocd feel so real at times it’s honestly soul destroying excuse you know it isn’t. I don’t know what to tell myself when it feels real.

I want to share with you my theme. It's weird and I don't think it's relatable. Sorry for my mistakes, English is my second language. I think I'm asexual and I think it's cool. I also don't want to have romantic relationship. I've never been aroused, and I never m*sturbate. And I don't want to. But my OCD tells me that I want, that I'm broken, that I need to do it and stuff. It started this fall, in October. First of all, I have some "under there" illness, I don't know what it is exactly. Secondly, my friend I think have high libido and I secretly uncomfortable when she talk about s*x stuff. Couple of times she said "Who don't m*sturbate in our world?" and I don't say that I am. I felt guilty. I thought everyone just joking when they say about this stuff, but NO? Here comes new theme of OCD, new (and the worst) episode of it... Hear me out: my groin hurts » I think it's arousal » I need to try m*bate. It's so scary to me, because I don't want to do it, I don't think I will ever do this, because it's gross for me. It comes almost every night, even when my aunty died 😭 Intrusive thoughts got worse in November - I've had my first panic attack (not first-first, but scariest of all panic attack that I got before). It got triggered by some photo of boy, another attacks got triggered by photo or video of some girl (not really erotic, just naked parts of the body like abc or kisses) ... I don't want to remember. My head hurts so bad, my hands are shaking, my heart beats faster... And I also have some feelings under there that scares me (remember, I told you about my illness before, this is because of it mostly, also groinal response maybe). Now I afraid of being aroused and also really afraid of being touched (not only in "down there") by me or someone else, I sadly have difficulties to go to shower because of it. My intrusive thoughts includes unwanted s*x images about me, my friends and strangers and " Do it, it's not scary" thing. I also scared of some type of faces, bodies and haircuts I'm afraid it will never get better and I'm just h*rny. Sometimes I wish I had another intrusive thoughts, not like these...

I read this thing online about how relationships we have with people are based on our childhood experiences and people are their to teach us things about our inner selves but that sometimes we don’t need that lesson anymore or it’s served and the people outgrow the relationship . I’m worried now that I will outgrow my relationship when I don’t want to I want us to stay together . Like I can see people who are married and they now seem miserable together , my boyfriend and I are talking g about mariage and he is from a different culture , he tells me he worries about me not enjoying his culture as he wants to move back to his home country and I would be expected to move back too , he says in his culture people marry for life and it is different to the UK. For someone who suffers with ROCD anyway , this pressure feels unbearable I’m unable to process everything that’s going on but I do know that I want things to work out between us . Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent and write it out .

How do you get over the fear of talking about your emotions? Real event OCD has been literally grabbing me by the hair and swinging me around recently… because of events that have happened in the past, I find it really hard to talk to people in general. I restrict myself on what I say. I’m reserved, secretive, and passive. I just agree with people and I can’t say no. Of course, I can’t tell anyone that, otherwise they’ll feel like I’m being rude, or that this whole time I’ve been a ‘disingenuous’ friend. Talking about my feelings is an absolute no-go. Like said, I restrict myself on everything that I say. If I’m happy, no one will know. If I’m sad, no one will know. I’ve turned myself into an emotionless machine that runs on autopilot because I’m so scared of people knowing how I feel thus in most situations I just repress everything. The apathetic temperament I’ve taken up is even making every day just feel like it’s the same. The fear is that I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of how people are going to respond, and because of the few events that happened in the past, I feel like I’m going to be made out as some sort of ‘villain’ — that which I’ve painted myself for so many years. I think that’s literally it. I paint myself as a villain. No matter what I say, I will feel like the bad person who always is in the wrong. It’s unresolved trauma I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring up again. I was blamed for a lot of things, so I’m afraid even the simplest of things is going to make people hurt or offended. That is why I don’t show my emotions — so there’s absolutely no way that people can respond to them. I don’t know if that made any sense at all. But I’m just so exhausted of talking to people as somebody that I’m not. Hiding everything, having to agree to things I don’t want to agree to, I’m miserable and tired. But like said, if I tell people I need alone time, they’re going to think I’m being mean or that I don’t want to be around them, which is definitely not what I want I’m saying. Christmas Day was the first day in about 3 years I finally had offline. No phone, no socialising. It was the most relaxed I’d ever been in years. I could cry thinking about how I want Christmas Day to play over and over. Just my mum, my brother & I, sitting on the floor and eating crisps whilst watching her build this new cabinet my dad got me… even my mum noticed that I was more relaxed. I wasn’t disturbed by so many intrusive thoughts. The only thing is that it wasn’t actually me that asked to spend a day offline. If my friend didn’t ask me if I wanted to stay off Christmas Day, I wouldn’t have said anything and would’ve been on my phone all day, which is something I really don’t want to do. I feel like it’s bad that sometimes I want my friends to ignore me just so I don’t have to tell them myself that I want to be alone. I don’t know what they’ll say to me which scares me. This is all making me realise I really need to be vocal. But I can’t do it. I’m going to offend people no matter what. I feel like I’m stuck in an eternal nightmare of fearing that I’ll hurt someone in some way. I just feel like the detriment of myself and the happiness of others is a lot easier than finding the strength to talk about how I feel. It’s just easier this way.