Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anyone else feel like when they say their identity out loud it is a lie? Like I am a straight woman and have been straight my whole life and have been in two relationships—both with men who I was happily in love with. I can draw my intrusive thoughts back to childhood, but it was always a very brief experience where I would be like “oh I finally have nothing to worry about” and then my brain would be like “wait nevermind you have to worry about the fact that you are gay and in denial.” But every time, these thoughts would go away and I would never have them when I was actually in my relationships or talking to someone. These fears are now back and more real than ever, making me feel like I am actually physically attracted to women and losing my natural biological attitude to men. I do not want to be gay at all and the thought of being that has been making me physically I’ll because it is just now who I am and want to be. I think what makes this all worse is that it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship, so having these thoughts and feelings feels like reality because I have no recent experience with being in a relationship with a man and because of that, my self esteem is extremely low. I now feel triggered by every little thing in life, from hearing the word “gay”/“lesbian”/“lgbt”/“coming out”, to seeing any women of literally any age or appearance out in public, thinking I must be attracted to them. I keep checking my attraction to both males and females and am fearful because I feel like I am losing my attraction to men, which is something that never happened when these thoughts appeared in my life before this most recent flare up. I don’t know if any other people who identify as straight have similar experiences to this, but I cannot help but feel like I am the exception because I did have these thoughts before now (even though they went away for years). I would appreciate any help/insight because the longer I struggle with these thoughts, the farther and farther I feel my old, true self drifting away. I was always able to hang onto the fact that I want a future with a man and want a husband and kids, but now it’s like even that is gone and even though I never want to be with a woman, it’s like these thoughts have convinced me that I will never be with a man. Please help.

Hi there. I'm unsure of what I'm allowed to post here. I guess this is just an attempt to find out how alone I really am. I am aware that I'm not allowed to ask for reassurance so I guess I'm just asking if there is anyone who can relate. I think I understand how intrusive thoughts operate in those with OCD. I get them too. Violent, sexual, inappropriate. Where I feel I might differ is that I'm even unsure of whether or not those intrusive thoughts are real. Basically, whether they only happened in my mind or actually happened in real life. Just an example. A violent or sexual or whatever thought would come up. VERY vivid. Then I would have to check over and over again for proof that it didn't happen. The big issue is when it's absolutely impossible to be sure. How do you know if you harmed a child? Do I ask them? If it isn't mine, do I ask their parents? This is only one example of many "themes" I guess? I can doubt some of the (apparently very obvious) things. My mind won't stop. The same goes for driving, writing/speaking (did I just say/write that) , did I just put bleach in the food? Again, these images are extremely vivid. Could this be something other than OCD? Is it just poor insight? This type of doubt can also latch on anything in the distant past. "Did I kill/rape/harm someone and then forgot?" "What did that person mean by that?" "Do I have HIV/ an STD or cancer?" "Is my son really mine?" "Did I just do something inappropriate", whatever most shocking in the moment. Did I walk around with my pants down? This list really is endless and can attach itself to anything. Guess I can also add that I'm obsessed with my appearance (btw I'm male). Not obsessed in a vain way, rather obsessed with every single flaw in every part of my body. Almost like everyone is part of this massive puzzle and I'm the piece that just doesn't fit. Like a factory defect. This might seem like I'm just looking for attention and maybe it's the case. I think I just want to know that I'm not completely alone. It's very isolating and takes away everything and everyone I care about. Don't know why I'm like this. Yes, I've considered ending everything. Would love to say I haven't because I'm just such a good person and so selfless. Truth is, I'm just terrified. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want anyone to say about what I'm sharing. As far as I can remember, it all started as a very young child with religious fears and obsessions. This was around the time my parents were seperating if that matters at all. I'm South African and as far as I can understand users here are mostly from the USA and UK? Maybe Australia too? So I'm not sure if my way of communicating here translates well? People mostly don't understand this condition and guess that's how I ended up here. I'm sorry for bringing my negativity here. Not the intention. Just desperate. It's like falling down a tree and grabbing for branches, this might be one of those branches. Just to add. I am on medication but it feels like it's only making this worse. Constant anxiety, constant fear and constant doubt. I hate myself and I hate this. This is not a life.

this thought just broke my heart. i was so happy thinking about how my sister & i are going to design my graduation cap then ocd decided to snap at me and a bring on the disgusting most disturbing thoughts. i wish it would please just stop attacking the people i love and care about. has anyone else experienced thoughts about their family members bfs?😞 im so fed up. i wish i could just laugh at my thoughts and let them pass. but i cant because it literally involves the people i value the most.

I was reading a book about London. And there was one building which apparently is a comedy club and it had comedians on there and one I recognize her but I can’t remember her name. And I imagine kissing her lips the profile like the picture on the wall and I smiled I’m scared I must be I don’t wanna be a lesbian or bisexual “the vibe I got made me think that she might be but I’m not bisexual. Like I smiled and said I am scared I felt unlocked in my chest I don’t I do I don’t want to kiss women I don’t wanna exist anymore. It still didn’t feel right but I kept smiling in my head and in my like expression like on my face was smiling and I imagine kissing it repeatedly like the picture and I’m scared I forced it like I act like it’s gross that I don’t but I want to kiss a man I’m naturally more interest in the man and when I imagine kissing a woman l I don’t know why I keep remembering saying I’ll let yourself in smiling in my head and I said in my heart I don’t want my heart to be into this and I said you can’t control that but I’ve never been into it and that thing is despite the smile it didn’t feel right there’s attention in my chest. I don’t wanna kiss women I’m scared I can’t stop imagining in despite imagining putting my lips on the picture and the fact that I imagined much more x-rayed things I don’t I still don’t like it I’m scared I just now try to say it with the conviction I still want and I almost felt better saying that but I don’t wanna feel better saying that I want them when I don’t want women. Smiling and allowing myself to imagine kissing the woman cause of the vibe scares me because I don’t vibe like that I don’t like them I don’t like women like that I want men i’ve never felt like that before and despite like I said despite the smiles it didn’t feel right it felt weird. I just I don’t like nothing more to sell better I don’t want to kiss the woman if I’m straight and I’m not gay why would I saying like nothing more when I don’t I didn’t really like it I just felt force in my chest felt so tense despite smiling and I said despite actually but I didn’t enjoy it so it’s despite the smiling I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want to know who I am anymore I’m not a lesbian I didn’t enjoy it I didn’t feel right now I’m scared I’m gonna look at that comedian definitely forever I’m scared I do now and I keep feeling weird on my mouth I don’t wanna feel her lips on mine I don’t wanna put my hand out on smiling like I’m OK I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t wanna squeeze boobs I didn’t feel right I can’t take this I’m scared I am afraid of the warm way I’m smiling I don’t want to get into this I don’t want to warm up to it! I don’t wanna enjoy this I don’t wanna start I don’t wanna kiss women I don’t wanna kiss and I can’t I’m scared I feel every time I see the picture I’ll look at her lips and feel I’m scared I’ve just been resisting this whole time but I’ve never wanted to kiss I said more but I’ve never wanted to kiss a woman before little more I don’t wanna kiss her and I’m smiling. See my heart but it doesn’t want to kiss her! Just gonna do I don’t wanna see what she’s not a scam smiling like I keep nodding up and down saying excepting I don’t I said my attraction imagining big I called him hot I don’t want hairy or ball didn’t want big round they’re not hot I don’t want sagging naked boobs I don’t want big round one second I’m scared him :-) I don’t wanna I don’t wanna except that I don’t wanna see your naked she’s not hot she’s not hot I’m scared I do when I’m blushing I don’t want older or younger women I don’t want vagina I want penis I want to try and it’s not hot I’m scared I feel differently now I don’t want to start I don’t want older or younger I don’t want my age I wanna start I’m scared I don’t wanna start liking I don’t wanna start liking women there’s nothing more than I don’t like

So this morning I woke up with anxiety and started thinking how would my parents and sister react when i tell them I got ocd. I just imagined my sister laughing at me as if I meant nothing. No one believed me. And now I just can't get this image out of my head😕 it feels lonely

I am a very sensitive person and I have a hard time controlling my emotions which I’ve noticed my whole life but it’s seems to have gotten worse when I formed ocd. I was wondering what I could do to not be so sensitive or emotional all the time and if ocd could have something to do with it. I’m actually really tired of people telling me all the time “You’re overly emotional” or “you’re too sensitive”. Also was wondering if I were to have thicker skin would it be an advantage to helping with ocd and the things it makes me feel like anxiety or depression (which could maybe have something to do with it either). I’m not really asking for reassurance just kind of seeing if maybe anyone has gone through this too and if there’s anything I can do to work on it and get better 🙂

I’ve had nearly every single OCD theme you can think of and most of them are gone. If you have any questions for me, comment below! 😚

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after I recover from this. A huge part of me is gone.

I’m scared about how these thoughts have become so real. I am starting to think I’m in denial and it’s a matter of time til I have to break up with my boyfriend. This is so hard but I’m trying to keep compassion toward myself. He keeps being the sweet, kind soul he always is and it makes me feel so terrible and guilty. I just want to know I like boys even a little bit so that I can stay with him. Whenever I want to enjoy the moment with him I get the reminder that I like girls so I can never really enjoy the moment. I have no feeling of excitement or anything and I just know I want to let myself be happy with him but there’s always something. Can anyone give me advice on what to do when the thoughts are present during a good moment or when I don’t feel anything/ feel disconnected. Or any advice at all. I don’t want to like girls it’ll change everything for me, my whole life will be completely turned around and I don’t want that.

Hey guys at universal theme park with my family and my trigger is attractive women and feeling like seeing them/noticing them is cheating on my fiancé whom I love and really want to be loyal to. I tried doing erp with it but now it’s getting to the point where I am depressed and honestly feeling like there is no hope/ $uicidal thoughts. Could really use some help, encouragement, or advice. I’m so exhausted, so upset with myself, and so sick of being scared and worrying about being unfaithful. I just feel like I’m at my wits end here. If there’s a way to encourage without reassurance that would be great!

Anybody else's symptoms get worse the day after drinking alcohol? I find myself in a hole after everytime I go out to try and enjoy myself😭

does this happen to anyone else?!?? my thoughts keep trying to flip everything i read into something so much worse such as if i see a post stating “thinking will not overcome fear but action will” my thoughts will be like “see it means you need to act on it to feel okay again” like wtf??? everything is literally a trigger with ocd.

Hello, I am a straight girl (as far as I know) but now I am doubting of it. I am not sure this is Sexual Orientation OCD since I am doubting because of something that actually happened. I am going to say something really embarrassing for me so I hope I don’t get ignored. When watching p*rn, I tend to watch lesbian p*rn because it pleasures me the most. And after I did that a few days ago, I’ve starting to doubt of my sexual orientation (and even my identity, since I feel masculine, which i hate). And I have no idea what this is, I don’t want to tell my parents because they will think I am coming out when I am actually not. It is just pure confusion and distress, and a bit of fear and sadness bc I don’t want to be lesbian, don’t get me wrong I am not homophobic. But I just don’t want to, and it feels like denial to me. I have never been attracted to a woman, but somehow I feel like a male, and it really pisses me off, because I do not identify as a man. I’ve been trying to picture myself in my head, with both genders in a sexual context, and I don’t feel anything. I feel really lost please someone help.

thinking about how this is gonna be my life forever breaks my heart. i never in my life would’ve thought that this was coming my way. this is so heartbreaking and depressing. i was barely getting to live one of my biggest dreams then this hit me out of nowhere. what did i do to deserve this?? is this my karma??😞 my dreams of being a mom? went downhill because of this. my dreams of being a ultrasound tech? also went downhill. and the list goes on. i just want my life back..

Can anyone please help me 🥺

Do you guys really benefit from having people here tell you "yes, I experience that too" sort of things? I see it as quite reassurance-y but I wanted to give benefit of the doubt so I'm just wondering if I'm missing something

Someone please help me I’ve never experienced this before smiling and comfort from saying but I’m not a lesbian I’m not a lesbian I’m not lesbian I’m not! There’s no might be why is this happening to me what is the say about me

explsure therapy for a few months now, and things are only getting worse?

Hi I have HOCD Since about 5 years now I would say. I’m just seeking for help and a community. The only way I get better is by distracting myself a lot through working or social media. But somethings even social media worsens it too with the rise of lgbtq communities presenting themselves. They make me question sometimes. But I just ignore. After all exposure gets you to slowly move on so it’s what’s best.

Hi guys, I’ve been suffering from contamination OCD. I’ve been in contact with a therapist and it has helped me a lot. However, I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts when I go to toilet. I don’t want to waste toilet paper, therefore I’m trying to reduce the number of toilet paper squares I use per each visit of the toilet. When I wipe after urinating, it sometimes happens that the urine gets soaked through all the plies. The last square I hold in my hand therefore gets a bit wet, and I can feel it with my hand. However, no drop of urine gets to my hand, you just feel that your hand is touching a square of toilet paper that is a bit wet (it is the same as when you blow your nose). This sometimes happens to me, even when I use 8 or 9 squares of toilet paper, which is quite a lot. After visiting the toilet, I always wash my hands. I don’t want to seek reassurance from you that the urine can’t spread anywhere else and contaminate other things. I just can’t remember how many squares of toilet paper I was using when I didn’t have to deal with intrusive thoughts. Therefore, I would like to ask all women out there, how you deal with wiping after urinating. Does it ever happen to you that urine gets soaked through all the squares, and you get the wet feeling on your hand? Should I use more squares to make sure that the last ply stays dry, even though 10 or 11 squares is a big waste of toilet paper? I usually have to wipe two or three times to get dry, even though I can use less squares for the second and third wipe (usually 3 or 2) because they don’t get that wet, 11 + 3 + 2 squares of toilet paper would be a lot. Or should I use less squares, don’t care about the wet sensation and wash my hands afterwards? How many squares do you use after urinating? Urine sometimes sprinkles on my inner thighs, etc. Sometimes it happens to me that when I wipe after urinating, I accidentally place my hand on my skin besides the toilet paper because the toilet paper square is smaller than my hand. Therefore, it is probable that a drop of urine could potentially get on my hand. Does it ever happen to you that you accidentally place your finger or hand besides the toilet paper, or should I be more careful when I wipe so that it doesn’t happen to me? Thank you so much :)