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I gave up

Is really complicated to me to understand the Trans OCD. When my hocd is leaving me some peace, this comes to make me feel so lost about myself... The uncertainty of not knowing what I am, not being caoable of choosing anything, not being capable of surpass this wall... makes me so sad and so frustrated. "What I do now?" I don't know what to do with that. I know my two fears are connected, identity and sexuality come togheter. Like: now I am NB person (sometimes I believe I am a man xd) and also Bi or lesbian? Or whatever my head brings me today. I panicked the other day because I was really sick for at least three days and I didn't go outside because my stomach hurted a lot. And yesterday I started to think: Maybe I can not go outside anymore. That way I don't have to see any people so I don't feel anxious again. But being lonely is even worse. I breath calmly, I woke up and I went to my job. And life keep going the same way. (With ocd but the same way.) But ufff, those moments are the worse. Thanks god I am starting to leave the compulsions.

Feeling extremely anxious at work rn feeling extremely hopeless. I feel like I’m turning into a monster and a crazy person . I can’t stop crying I had an anxiety attack in the bathroom. It won’t let me sleep I’m scared I will have an attack in front of all these people and they’ll send me to a mental hospital. I’m terrified and I feel alone . My brain keeps telling me no one can help me . Scared I’ll black out and kill someone . Or just turn into a completely different person entirely. Idk what to do . I don’t want to leave because the depression and anxiety will just eat me alive in my room I feel like I have no control of this anymore . I feel like the only way out is to end my life . Why did my life have to end up like this ? Why does my life have to end like this ? This was never what I wanted .

So it’s been 2 years since I’ve had severe OCD and I must admit I have come along way. But my fear of death is still a problem. I am constantly thinking about the death of myself and my family and how bad my anxiety will be when a family member dies or something... how do I get over this..? I’ve tried and tried to accept that death is the price we all have to pay one day.. but for some reason it stills bothers me everyday.

I obsess over if my boyfriend of 1year is messaging other people, if he doesn’t reply to my messages why? And accuse him of all sorts constantly, if he loves me or why he loves me still when I am the way that I am! When he goes out with friends (like tonight) I will check my phone constantly to see if he has been online and I become so emotionally irrational if he has that sometimes I can’t stop for hours! I have major trust issues also due to a previous abusive relationship ? I feel like I’ve became the controlling one but the OCD is taking over! ?

Guys, whenever u refrain from performing mental compulsions like refusing to analyse or argue wuth those intrusive thoughts, do u feel like ure denying something important or feel something bad at the back of ur head?

so i developed the HOCD theme exactly like a year ago this month. it got much much easier , trust me it did. for a while it didn’t even come into my head some days. but honestly, it was always there in the back of my mind very faintly. but i learned to ignore the thoughts. does anyone feel like HOCD is always going to be around but you just adjust to it and it feels like it’s not even there? i don’t know. i feel like it. i just learned to ignore it and when it starts getting bad again i just try really hard to breathe and just live through it and remind myself it i could overcome it once, i can do it again

My anxiety is pretty much gone...the thoughts are not...here’s the thoughts I’m having... -it’s not hocd this time, it’s the real thing -omg you’re attracted to your friend you’ve known for 18 years and you’re just now realizing it -when you see your boyfriend you’re gonna realize you don’t love him because you’re a lesbian -then I get intrusive thoughts about kissing girls...over and over and over again The hardest part is that the anxiety is gone so I don’t know if these are real thoughts...what if they are? What if I’m lying to myself? What if every boy I have ever fallen for in the past was just a cover? What if one day I’ll wake up and decide that men just don’t do it for me anymore? But I love them. I always have. The broad shoulders, the big arms, the height, the scent, the feeling of a boner on my butt while we spoon (so sorry tmi moment), I’ve loved them since I was 3! What the hell happened?

Hello all, I’m new and have been suffering from OCD for a while now, my latest theme is a relapse of my HOCD. I was just wondering do any of you have this constant attraction to nearly every mildly attractive member of the same sex? And also when you are looking at someone you know you are attracted to do you feel nothing? That is what seems to be happening to me lately and I’m worried. Any advice would be great!!!

I need to know if someone else experience this because I think this may be the root of some of my ocd themes. So basically even when I don't really have a theme going on I get intrusive thoughts of different topics. For example if I'm reading an article about a person with ADHD my mind tells that maybe I have adhd and because if I had I'd be different, and it feels like I want to even though I don't do because I know how destressing it is to live with such disorders and who would ever want to develop a disorder like that. I get intrusive thoughts like about illnesses, identities and other things and my mind says that I have to have those things because they would make me different and my mind wanted me to be different in that way. And it felt like I wanted those things even tho I know how terrible they affect people and didn't really wanted to have them. Now it tells me the same thing about gender and sexuality that I have to be different in that way while I don't and it's causing me hocd right now. I guess this is my final answer but I wanted to know if somebody else experienced something like this. Like sometimes I get depressive episodes because of my anxiety and ocd but once I became obsessed with the idea of having chronic severe depression and I got so anxious but then felt relieved when I didn't but then my intrusive thoughts would pop up here and there

What are everyone’s compulsions like?

I need advice with harm OCD urges. I recently had urges to trip/kick people or dogs which is freaking me out. Today I was just sitting down and my aunt walked right in front of me and I started getting fearful and an urge that I was going to stick my foot out. At that moment I feel like my foot may have moved even a tiny bit. It feels so real and now I feel awful. I've overcome so many types of OCD but this one seems hard bc I'm so scared I acted out even a little. How am I supposed to feel ok if I can't even be sure I acted something out. It's kinda devastating for me.

things keep popping up in my mind that are “evidence” that i’m gay. things i saw, felt, and did when i was young. like REALLY young. i don’t choose to have these thoughts,, i feel like my brain is bringing them up and telling me that because of these things and me doing these things, i’m gay. i don’t know how to handle this.

I literally want to start crying now. I've been a ball of different emotions today. It feels so real right now. A week ago I used to get nauseated and super anxious by the thoughts now it feels like it's what I want and that I could actually do it? I'm so distressed I can't set down. I literally feel a weird pressure going up my head whenever there's something gay in front of my eyes. If I try to play with it it feels so real I feel like my eyes could pop out of my head or I don't feel nothing at all? I was more calm before I started accepting these stupid thoughts but now I feel like there's no going back. I'm so desperate

Is it possible for OCD to turn thoughts that used to be apart of your identity and something you enjoyed into an intrusive thought? Like when you think about it NOW instead of it feeling normal, it feels like an anxious thought? Maybe because I’m so fearful I don’t enjoy that thought anymore that my mind is going along with it and making it unappealing to me? It’s just confusing to me because I thought intrusive thoughts were supposed to be the opposite of who you are.

My thoughts are telling me to act on them and to attach feelings to the thoughts when I do it feel so real with feelings like when I see a girl I have to say she beautiful and I don’t get scared but I be having feelings when I say she’s cute as if I rlly mean it fr I hate this help me feel like I’m rlly gay fuckkkkk

Hello, I'm new here. I wanna recover but I feel like I don't know how to do that properly on my own. I have been waiting for treatment for months now, I have received wrong treatment before (from a therapist that encouraged compulsions/reassurance, I developed my contamination OCD because she suggested I would do compulsions to cope with my germophobia actually). I want to connect with people who have recovered if possible, so they can guide me on the right way. I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing. I've tried ERP on my own but I don't know if I am doing it correctly as I do not see progress. I cut one thing out and another gets worse or a new thing pops up. Anyone experienced with this? Is it normal? Anyway thanks for reading and have a nice day!

There’s been a lot of so-ocd posts recently, I’m so sorry you guys haven’t been doing well? I know you’re all looking for a clear and definitive ‘no’ when you evaluate your intrusive thoughts/feelings/ideas. They don’t align with how you define yourself, so why can’t you get a confident and resounding ‘no’ when you try to ‘test’ yourself against them? Why does there always seem to be a lack of confidence when you refer back to what you’ve always desired in your past? Why can’t you feel the same way now? What does that MEAN? It means you’ve failed to be at peace with a natural and normal state of existence: uncertainty. This state of being is perfectly safe, meaningless, and warrants absolutely no concern. Our bodies are reacting to it however, with a primal sense of danger that, in every other aspect of our lives, we usually respond to. This is where the ‘disorder’ portion of ‘ocd’ comes into play. An over-active protectant is deciding that uncertainty is a dangerous state of being that needs to be absolutely and 100% eradicated. This is NOT true and should NOT be believed or acted upon. Ocd’s response to these obsessions is anxiety and/or panic that is baseless. But if you’ve acclimated to them, you might not react to them at all. You could even be entirely confused about HOW you just reacted to them. Does THAT mean something? This ‘backdoor-spike’ is just another way ocd gets you to test certain ideas that might reveal something to you. Don’t fall for it. Once again, it should not be believed or acted upon. This simple ACT of testing yourself against your obsessions, or testing your reactions to the thoughts, tells your brain- ‘oh, these thoughts and ideas actually have importance!! Yea you’re sexuality is definitely up for debate. Test it again!! We need more tests. Nope wasn’t clear enough. Test again!’. Close the court. End the discussion. Terminate the dialogue. You can’t see it, but you’re on a hamster wheel! You’re the horse whose rider is dangling a carrot in front of them. You think you can have it-certainty- but it’ll never be yours. It’s not FOR you. It just makes sure that you’re running for eternity. Getting off the hamster wheel looks like broken habits, acceptance, and a new relationship with your thoughts/feelings/and realistic ideas. It looks like complete surrender. Stop the resistance. It’s the gigantic wall between you and the road of recovery. Acceptance of your obsessions plays absolutely no role in defining their validity, only in beginning your healing and peace. I could talk about this forever but just know I’m thinking of and rooting for you guys so so hard. Don’t let ocd catastrophize the moment of uncertainty or confusion- there is no danger. I promise you are safe, always!❤️

Kind of having a hard time today . Keep getting thought about something called disassocitive identity disorder , I saw it in a tv show called bates motel awhile ago . My brain keeps telling me that I will get it . It keeps comparing to the time I kept feeling like a boy . And I’m scared that One day I will turn into a different person and all this other non sense it basically telling me I will completely lose myself and go insane or crazy . Trying not react with fear but it’s getting to me a little bit and it’s causing me serious depression while I’m at work . Keep thinking about how I problem won’t make it past 20 years old . It keeps saying that I have no hope in getting better and I will kill myself soon . I also keep getting thoughts about how I feel so alone and how I have no family or friend support I’ve told them I have ocd and sometimes they talk to me about it but most of the time they tell me that I’m being stupid or just disregard it all together . I don’t wanna put my problems on other people so I try to not take it to heart but it really makes me feel like nobody cares . And I feel like if my mental illness was to ever become even more serious than it already is nobody will help me . Not even my family . I will probably end up being neglected and die alone . I can’t take this . I’m at work and I can barley focus. I just don’t know what to do .

Reasons why HOCD doesn’t make sense: -having my first crush on a boy in kindergarten (his name was Jon and he was tan with dark hair and I loved him) wait actually before kindergarten I had a boyfriend in pre-3 I loved him lol I forgot -first grade through seventh grade having a massive crush on the same boy because there were only 6 boys in my private school class and evidently he was the cutest I was recasted when he moved schools in the 8th grade -started dating the “it” boy on my swim team in 8th grade(he even tried to leave me for this other girl..I hated her) -saw sixteen candles for the first time! Jake Ryan oooolala -broke up with my 8th grade boyfriend because I was going into high school and we lived very far away from one another and evidently I saw all the boys that were going to my high school needless to say I was in love...the leg hair...the arm pit hair...the smell of their sweat after practice...thinking about it now that’s kinda gross but the mature boys who had leg hair and armpit hair and a bit of a five o clock shadow always struck my attention because I thought they might be more mature and obviously were more hot! -having a crush on this boy named Cameron who was the HOTTEST person to ever exist god! We would go to football games and I would always try to stand right next to him...he was exceptionally flirty and ALL of the girls liked him obviously so getting his attention was hard at times but you know I strived for it anyway! -having my first episode of HOCD due to lack of attention and confidence my freshman year -HAVING NO HOCD the next three years of high school -having a thing with a boy named jack sophomore year and being heart broken when he ends things -I swore I fell in love with a boy named carson the beginning of my junior year...ahh the ray band the brown hair the old Jeep his style I loved him I swear...he ended things with me I was heart broken for an extremely long time! -having a thing with a boy named Jackson end of my junior year but having him end things with my for another girl (I hated her) -falling in love with a boy named Hayden going into my senior year...losing my virginity to a boy named Hayden my senior year...getting ROCD over a boy named hayden my senior year..crying because I didn’t know it was ocd...watching 50 shades freed wishing my boyfriend was Christian grey -getting over ROCD -graduating high school while still dating my boyfriend -breaking up with my boyfriend because we go different colleges -meeting the hottest boy named will in Cabo...omg -having sex with your exes bff because he’s too hot to resist (wow I’m so sorry) -talking to a boy named cole who was the coolest and the hottest person alive...no one else mattered...getting sad when he would leave you on read and when he posted a snap story with another girl! -GOING TO COLLEGE BABY!!! Meeting a kid named Zak who had already slept with the entire cheerleading squad but being completely unaware cause you had gotten to college five minutes before you met him and was unaware that “talking” to him would get me shunned from having any female friends on campus because he was a “player”...continuing to sleep with him after that because he was hot...so hot -meeting Andrew, I was unaware of the affect he would have on my life when I first met him...he was my neighbor in the dorms he’s in the army he’s 6’2 and has tattoos I love him I love him I love him, he’s at air assault school right now and I’m at home... -the end part of May I felt the Demon of HOCD creeping back into my life...prior to this I was obsessed with working out eating right, looking hot you know? I had to look good for the military ball! Well that was over so my mind was like well now what do we have to obsess on and the little bitch raised her hand and said “obsess about me you haven’t for awhile” so obviously I go to the gym unaware of what’s brewing in my mind and I see this very thin tan tall girl who I strived to look like and my mind says “you’re a lesbian” meanwhile I’m like “fuck are you kidding me this again oh my god” I then go back to my dorm room proceed to have a panic attack and there it was “HOCD” clear as day to anyone who wasn’t in my brain...I didn’t understand how this could happen I didn’t notice girls I loved my boyfriend and that one really y’all toned guy in the gym was so hot and the boy that was on stage from the football team that had a beard was so cute and I loved beards and the football team ooo La la...it doesn’t make any sense! How could i a girl who was notorious for loving boys and never even considering girls as sexual beings could come down with HOCD again? I don’t know ocd is super weird and even now when I think Im getting over it there’s still this impending doubt in my mind that I’m lying to myself like there’s some hidden Zoe just in the depths..it makes me doubt the things that make me happiest.. it feels so real... This is what I know: -I know I want a husband and children...I know I want to grow old with a man and laugh with a man and buy a house with a man. I know that. -I however do not know why OCD has to constantly torment me -I doubt I even have OCD all the time but every now and again the ocd cycle will break and I will be like “what the hell was I so worried about...you a lesbian...not a chance” and then my mind begins to obsess again and then I begin to think it’s real I find myself thinking “it’s not OCD this time, it’s the real deal” like what does that even mean? I miss the excitement of a boy following me on Instagram, I miss being able to scroll through Instagram without wondering if I am attracted to this or that girl..I miss getting sad when a boy would leave me on read...I miss the excitement of a boy asking to hang out for the first time..I miss the nervousness of the first kiss..I miss the anticipation of the next one. I miss my desire for men. I miss looking at my boyfriend and pinching myself because he’s MINE. I miss getting ready to go out with my friends that are girls and texting the boys were talking to at the time and helping each other pick out outfits to hopefully impress the guys. I miss talking to my mom about my boyfriend like he’s the best thing that ever happened to me (he is). I miss going out in public and not even looking at girls and if I did, I wouldn’t think anything of it! I miss piece of mind knowing that I am attracted to men! I miss the pure joy of snap chatting a boy and him sending his face back even if there’s no conversation happening! I miss myself most of all. She was pretty cool. She was fucking awesome man, but she’s not here. I miss her. God fucking damn it I miss her.