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Does anyone ever have compulsions that backfire ? I was testing myself and it seems like I want the thoughts !!

Hey guys, I’ve struggled pretty bad with anxiety the past few years due to circumstances in my life (deaths, financial struggles, family issues). Growing up, it felt like my life was normal and nothing really bad happened, so I had no worries. It seems like a lot more struggles have gained during adulthood, and these things have compounded and really hurt my mental health. I worry about how something will go wrong as a way to mentally prepare myself if something bad does happen. I’ve felt like anxiety has been a problem for me, but something got worse in me the past week and I feel like I might have OCD. I’ve been having these awful sexual intrusive thoughts that have never crossed my mind. I know this is not me and something I would never do, but the fact that this thought popped in my head has sent me into a spiral. It seems like the fact that I’m so stressed about it causes this thought to continuously come back, a never ending cycle. I can’t even enjoy myself lately because if I just sit down relaxing, it seems like the thoughts just come back. I’m at a point where I look forward to sleeping at night because my brain is turned off. I’ve never even considered therapy in my life, but these thoughts are messing with me so bad that I feel like I need to consider it. I know these thoughts aren’t me, but there’s a small voice in my head that keeps saying "what if” and I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel really isolated because I’m the type of person who can’t hold things in and need to get them off my chest. But if I got these things off my chest, then it would severely damage my relationships with a lot of people, especially my family. There are some things they just do not need to know, especially if it involves them or someone they love. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few really big and stressful life events (like a family member having a big surgery, an important dr’s appointment for someone else) and I was really stressing and anxious about these things in the weeks leading up to it, which I feel is normal. The great news is that everything went well on all fronts, so I should be relieved and usually I would be. But all of a sudden, these intrusive thoughts have taken over and I can’t enjoy myself or how good things are in my life right now. Idk the point of me typing all of this, I guess it just feels like a tiny bit of relief to put this out there for others to read since I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with people I know. I truly hope this gets better and these thoughts can eventually go away and allow me to live my life. I can’t live like this for a long period of time, so something has to be done. I used to be able to brush off an intrusive thought as "oh, that was weird” and move on without dwelling on it. But now all of a sudden, I can’t do that. I have a new respect for people who suffer from OCD, depression, and anxiety and I truly hope and pray that anyone reading this will be able to concur whatever battles they’re facing.

Just as the title asks. Feels like the only "joy" I feel comes from my intrusive thoughts, which is nonsense.

i'm so curious. if we are all sharing we have similar issues and can relate to eschother; why isn't it more comforting to me knowing that it is ocd? everyone tells me so and i can relate to you guys? so why is it so hard for us, i'm just wondering ? like it is so hard to accept as ocd but i really need to accept it as that so my brain recognizes it and eventually it should get less and less occurring has anyone heard of the term "hungry ghost"???! i've had that prob in general always needing somethinf to satisfy me, a lot of people do it but i find it particularly intense with ocd bc when i tell my self it's ocd i can become calm after a while but i'm like then what??'i want a distraction, i want satisfaction, i want to so something to satisfy me but i cannot go through life that way and if my ocd is going to go away it needs to be the right way and my hungry ghost needs to be put to an end you know?

Who here has magical thinking? Mines got to do with numbers. For example specific times of the day, dates, etc. How do you manage?

I was reading through a 'straight OCD' article and it highlighted the difference between having the disorder and being in denial. It said: "When someone is in denial, they avoid thinking about a problem, try to justify their behavior, or deny the presence of a problem." Even if I have all the OCD symptoms, I do exactly this. When I see an attractive guy, I tell myself I'm not actually attracted in attempt to reassure myself that I am lesbian. I try to stop thinking about guys. I try to tell myself it's just aesthetic attraction and there is no need to think the way I do. After reading, I'm thinking I could just be bisexual. There's nothing wrong with that, I know. Im having a moment where I'm not crying in fear over the possibility of being bi and learning to accept that I might actually be bisexual. But when I snap out of my mind and feel disconnected from my thoughts, its blatantly obvious I'm not. I'm afraid of identifying as bisexual and then becoming paranoid about if I'm 'actually a lesbian'. It's all super confusing. I'm clearly gay, but at the same time, there's so much that could suggest otherwise, so surely it's just logical to identify as bi and learn that I'm still valid as gay/wow? It's not because I've been with guys and it was a huge turn off. I think I went too far down the rabbit hole, and just want to identify as gay, and that I dont like men. But the fear of being wrong is rooted deeply in it.And when you're wrong, it usually upsets other people, which is an even bigger fear of mine. Guys dont appeal to me, they do aesthetically and in a 'squish' (platonic crush) way, but as soon as romance comes in? Ew, please. This is my problem. I just cant accept what's right in fear that it could be wrong. I need to get this off of my chest and speak to a professional, but unfortunately my circumstances changed and I just cant have NOCD therapy (I can, but my grandparents would hear everything and I'm very uncomfy with that scenario). I could just keep writing and writing, really. I like having 'calm OCD' moments, where I can think about my situation without stress. I could be bisexual, abrosexual, or even straight, or even trans! Identifying as lesbian is such a secure identity and that is intimidating to me, as much as I love having specific labels. Yeah, rant over before I write my night away, lol!

Lately my SO-OCD latches on to the things I did or paid attention to as a child. I don’t remember having a celebrity crush until I was like 11 or 12 and I was kind of choosey about it. I was super boy crazy for boys I knew and boys my age, but my brain ignores that a lot. It also latches on to how as I child I paid a lot of attention to women in movies more, especially how their bodies looked. I always wanted boobs, so I have memories of times where I was hyperfixating on chests in movies and the media and my OCD is telling me it was because it turned me on a kid. Makes me feel weird and confused. I struggled with this theme as a young child, and didn’t struggle with it until the beginning of this year and it’s been hard to shake. If anyone feels similarly I’d like to hear what your childhood experience with this is like, or at the very least bring some more awareness to how this theme can mess with your head and make you question your memories.

Ok, community. I’m really scared about this one. Does anyone know if OCD can be triggered by a life altering event such as a death or a move? I have always had relationship anxiety in this way: “Is he going to text me/call me back?” “He did such and such. What if he doesn’t like me anymore?” “Maybe he doesn’t even like spending time with you anymore but doesn’t want to say it.” I had these thoughts at the beginning of my relationship with my current partner. But ever since my relationship became more serious, the thoughts and physical symptoms became extremely intense and sounded more like this: “What if I don’t actually love him?” “Am I/was I ever even attracted to him in the first place?” “What if we’re not compatible?” Obviously, I don’t want to ask for reassurance since that won’t help me. I’m wondering if anyone else’s ROCD experience has been like this.

Some say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In my past I've always been very sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. But I never thought of hurting or murdering anyone until my harm OCD came on February 2, 1995. Now my entire life has been defined by these morbid, intrusive thoughts. ANd I'm still sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. It's hard to maintain a grip on reality anymore. It's hard to know what to do. I have nowhere to go. I have no shelter. I'm 47 and the past year has just destroyed me. I wonder if I ever loved anyone? There is just a blankness when I try to ascertain that. I wonder if I was always just a time bomb waiting to go off.

I started having intrusive inappropriate thoughts about pedophiles and children since 2020 I didn’t get diagnosed with ocd until 2021 because I have obsessions outside of that, that I was willing to discuss with a psychologist. Ive recently had a baby and I’ve been obsessing about his safety around me and others. I started having groinal responses when feeding him they and i just feel so weird or I try to ignore them or sometimes it feels like I’m feeding into them but I’m not attracted to them they don’t make me feel good either and I’ve had thoughts of someone breaking in and assaulting him or being afraid of someone else watching him and him getting assaulted and not being able to communicate to tell me or my husband or being afraid to change his diaper and I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like abandoning my husband and baby I don’t feel happy or safe being in my baby’s life but I love them so much and it only feels like it’s getting worse I’ve honestly mentally checked out of being in my child’s life because I feel terrible and scared of my biggest fear especially since I was assaulted by my own parent growing up I don’t feel like I can live like this anymore. This form of ocd is so tiring and I’m convicted I’m a pedophile and it’s so distressing I don’t see how I could be one because I genuinely wish kids would go away or hope I can get away from my baby so I can feel better I don’t feel like I can live through this.

My ocd and depression are already beating me down this morning. I’m so tired of feeling anxious, extremely sad, guilty, and going through all of my memories to make sure I didn’t sleep with someone else since being with my husband. I’ve never once in our entire relationship questioned if I’ve done that. Ever since that first thought appeared it’s making me wonder if I actually did it and can’t remember. It literally makes me sick to my stomach and freak out. All I wanna do is give up, because I can’t keep feeling like this😔

Can false memories just suddenly appear? For my real events memories, they suddenly appeared except I didnt question it because with my real events OCD, the real events actually happened… when it comes to today… I was enjoying a movie and I got triggered by intrusive thoughts of doing stuff to a baby and then all of a sudden i got a graphic image of it and it sent me into an anxiety attack… i dont remember doing that to any kid and i dont ever want to… its giving me intrusive thoughts of doing that “when i was 8-9” when i dont remember ever doing that or ever wanting to do that… plus its making me think that since i have real events OCD, that those intrusive thoughts are actually “real memories” when i dont remember ever doing those intrusive thoughts…

So I did erp and my thoughts don’t really bother me anymore. But the one thing that stayed is I’m always anxious and these anxious feelings don’t have thoughts giving me anxiety. To anyone who has done erp without medication do you still feel anxiety that’s annoying

i’m so tired of constantly thinking of my body. For 5+ years i have not gone a day without thinking about my body. it’s to the point where i cant even sleep due to my constant obsession over my body. my friends all make jokes about how much much i eat calling me a fatty and obese and a fat b*tch and i’m so tired of it. my sport is also centered a lot around how tiny you are, and it makes me so sad and disgusted with myself. i don’t even think i’m that fat but my friends always make jokes about it. i’m 5’4 and a size zero, but i have hips, butt, and a chest so maybe that makes me fat? i just want my brain to stop taking these comments and thinking about them over and over again.

Yesterday I felt good but today I don’t. I hate how it switches like that. I’m tired of the thoughts but I know if I keep working on it and face my fears it will get better.

i developed this fear of getting schizophrenia a couple months back and i seemed to have gotten it under control until a few days ago where i read a comment about someone with schizophrenia. now it’s non stop intrusive thoughts again.

hello friends! anyone here have experience with backdoor spike? does this mean i’m on the road to recovery from OCD? fingers crossed this means things are going back to normal and the OCD is making its way out. any words is appreciated! keep fighting all 🫶🏻

Hi. I’ve been very compulsive on this app of late and not using it in a healthy way. Question - a real issue I am struggling with is committing to ERP. - my mind doubts wether it’s OCD, so therefore sees ERP as useless. - my mind tells me that exposing myself will lead to discovery that my fear is true. - I’m finding it incredibly difficult to see my theme as irrelevant and not ‘real’ How have people tackled the above? Any examples would be great. E.g. was it just trusting your therapist knows and you just have to trust them? Was it just giving it a go for long enough? Would love some advice/lived advice etc. Cheers

Anyone else scared that they don’t actually have OCD, and their relationship is doomed?

Does OCD ever make you feel like you don’t want to be with your preferred opposite sex and makes you think you want to kiss / be with / have sex with the same sex? I don’t know what thoughts are mine or not or why it feels exciting but this is distressing