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the NOCD Community

It's really hard when it seems there is nobody in your life you can really confide in.

So Back like 4 years ago when all this began I used to have horrible thoughts and be overwhelmed by the things I was thinking and I am not gonna explain since you all pretty much know what I’m talking about lol but I used to think I was crazy! I would stay up all night because of fear of harming somebody without my consent or my like self control and I would worry worry worry, it got so bad to a point I stopped eating because I was just so scared (still kind of like this but I got wayyyy better!) and I just started looking up like coping mechanisms and like researching what the fuck was wrong with me. Was I a bad person, was I crazy, what is wrong with me, those were thoughts that would be in my head yk so I found something called harm Ocd and I read it and related to it so much. I remember that day vividly and felt such a huge relief Like finally I’m not crazy and somebody actually gets it! So then I started watching YouTube videos TikTok’s and all of that helped temporarily and then I would get back into my cycle and honestly I guess looking up and reading about ocd helped temporarily because it made me feel not crazy but really I had nobody to talk too and when I did talk nobody would understand, honestly I wanna go to a therapist and actually find out but my insurance can’t cover it and I’m just left being self diagnosed. Everyone around me says “you don’t have ocd you can’t self diagnose yourself!” or people who have common ocd would say “I have ocd so what your going through girlie that’s not ocd your just overthinking it” but at this point even without a diagnosis I know I have it. Everything I go through just adds up to it, like I actually relate so much to every person on this app and finding this app was part of my reassurance of knowing I’m not crazy. Anyway that’s all pleaseeeee somebody respond lol

My obsession i feel like is really rational. And people were telling me they're fifty a d they still soend time with their siblings AND PARENTS but im 17 and my dad is already 59 and my mom is about to turn 56. I really dont have much time left with them compared to others. By the time my brain fully develops at 25, thehre gonna be so close to 70 years old. I feel horrible. I would rather die first I cant take it. I need them. I love them. ai cant take it. Why am I not young anymore, why do they have to be so old and why do I have to be so old. Once My friend made me think about turning 28, I got really anxious and soon realise my parents age would be at that time. Now im even more anxious and tbe compulsions I had before that would momentarily make me feel relieved about the idea of growing old just seem like they wont even pacify me for a second. I know my mind is thinking through a childish lense, and maybe I wont be so scared when I really do turn 28, but i cant stop thinking about this and I cant stop thinking about my age. Everything has just amplified in intensity and Im having a panic attack. And like I said I feel my fear is absolutely rational, which makes me even more scared. I dont want to be old I cant do it I just cant. Im running out of time I cant take it I cant take it I cant.. I just want my parents and my brother I dont want to lose it all. It feels like every day i lose something. I dont want to live any longer I hate this I hate it so much. I cant take it please help me. Its all I can think about Im going to throw up help me please help me please. Like this wasnt the only thing unnerving about growing older, but it just feels insanely worse. I cant replace them. Honestly im so jealous of younger me whose obsessions were hinged on being shot in certain locations. And when younger me's obsession with age was a lot more tied to size. But now I keep thinking about numebrs and Im really getting okder and its petrifying. I feel like im validating the fears and I dont know how to take it. My mom is 56 and she gets to see her mom at 75. If i make it to 56, my mom would have to also make it to 94. I wish they never had me I wish they killled me I wish they let me die before them. I wish theyd let me love them longer. Time just feels threateningly fast and slow at the same time. Im so scared. Im so scared. All my cousins are like 30 still getting to see their 50-60 year old parents. Why not me. But i really dont want to be 30 either. And I was watching soviet animations today in class and apparently dostoevsky said you become immoral at 40. I dont want to become immoral. I was raised in a catholic church and went to catholic school until I was 11. I thought dying young meant I died pure, but it seems that im not the only one who realised that. But im running out of time to die good. I dont want to be bad. I dont want to force my parents to live until they become worse. I feel like a monster. I feel like im making them older. Its like im punishing them. im just a scared little girl, but i feel like im bringing pain unto others...

Many years ago, I use to masturbate to female porn but I knew it was something I wouldn’t do in real life. I imagined women doing stuff to me but not me to them. I couldn’t orgasm with my boyfriend. Now, I can orgasm through regular sex w my husband and I don’t masturbate anymore but I just remembered I use to do that. I read that 90 of straight women do stuff like that but now I’m terrified that my theme is real. Because I remembered that. I don’t masturbate anymore because my values have changed and thought why do I need to do it if my husband takes care of me. My theme started with fear of being a lesbian and then switched to fear of being bi and now back to lesbian. I’m so scared.

Why do these OCD thoughts keep coming back even though you don’t want them too?? How come when they come back they get the best of you most of the time??

Do you ever watch crime shows and then can’t enjoy them anymore because you suddenly think “that seems like something I would/want to do” and then you can’t watch it anymore? I love criminal minds but it triggers me so bad.

So I’ve been thinking of taboos and why they’re wrong, and the only one I can’t completely get behind is incest. I still find it rly disgusting and have absolutely no desire to partake in it, but hypothetically, if all parties were consenting adults, and there wasn’t a power imbalance (such as with a parent and their kid, even if the kids an adult, or with siblings or cousins with a significant age gap where one would have looked after the other), I don’t think it’d be morally wrong per se, or at least rn I can’t think of a reason for it to be. But this is kind of freaking me out, I want there to be a reason for it to be wrong, but I can’t think of one. I’ve searched all over the internet, and they’ve all kind of come to the same conclusion, if they’re consenting adults without a power imbalance than it’s not morally wrong, even if it’s gross. But that can’t be it right? Like there has to be a reason? And I feel bad writing this cus I don’t know if it’s ocd or not and I don’t want to look like I support incest, I find it gross and I still don’t think it’s right or good, I’m just not sure if it’s necessarily morally wrong in every case. Help I’m sort of freaking out again.

i feel like i dont deserve love i am a monster and i just don't deserve to be loved but i dont even know if the things that are making me believe that are real but i am just so sad so sad i just wish i could be normal

TW - Suicidal thoughts Well, I called the 988 number for the Suicide and Crisis line last night. I went to the car to do it because I know that my mom would overreact if she knew I was thinking like that. She has overreacted about that kind of stuff before. But it turns out she saw me in the car and knows I was talking to someone on the phone, she doesn't know who and she was asking me about it just now. The car was the most private place -- the walls in our house are paper thin. Maybe I'll just have to only text them (if possible) and/or sit in the back of the car with the tinted windows and with the porch light off. I guess I'm just venting here. But it is pretty stressful.

I think my past tells me I've always been wrong and just kinda didn't experiment to know because I never wanted to be gay. The groinal responses I get to real life people are more common and more than the feeling I get for the opposite sex though I do enjoy the opposite sex responses when they do happen. they may not be as strong so I should give up any fantasies that it'll ever lead to a real relationship.

I noticed ocd is about having intrusive thoughts. But does OCD come in any other way? If so can y’all give me examples?

i cant live through this if it is like that everyday

I feel like I am so deep in this rabbit hole of confessing to my boyfriend about anything regarding cheating or finding people attractive or having thoughts about them. Can anyone please give me tips on how to stop because it’s really starting to affect him

Hi all. Bare with me as it is 5:30 AM and I just woke up with lots of anxiety. If something doesn’t make sense I apologize. Within the last few months work has been unbearable for me, but it hasn’t always been this way. I work 40 hours a week at a small town bank, I’m a people person, so I used to not mind it. Of course I was never bouncing out of bed thrilled to go to work, I mean who really is? I started to get really negative and just lazy. I realized that but just thought I just really hated it. It wasn’t till a day when my thoughts were racing and swirling that I realized I didn’t really hate it that much, it’s just my OCD! This summer has been hard for me cause I started therapy and really trying to WORK THROUGH my problems rather than suppressing them. I’ve been a rollercoaster of emotions. We also just moved into our first home this year so working 40 hours a week and having to come home and keep a house clean is a lot. I value my relaxing time so when I can’t do that I get very overwhelmed. I don’t know if this falls into my ROCD, my boyfriends family all works very hard, him included. They all value ambition and hard work. I’m thinking that that the stress maybe could be from thinking that if I just quit my job he’ll think I’m lazy and leave? Also with building our first home this year it brought on a lot of ROCD, and I think this is just common sense however after working 40 hours a week I cannot be the only one cleaning our home. It’s a lot! It’s a constant argument and I always threaten to put my 2 weeks in which I always feel shitty about after because I feel like I’m manipulating him (he NEVER tells me that I am, he just doesn’t listen lol) I just know this is related to my OCD in some way but I can’t place where it fits. It’s so hard because it really puts a damper on my mental health all together and I don’t want to be a miserable person at work. This is just a part of my OCD I haven’t been able to get ahold of yet. If anyone has experienced this I would love some advice. I might not LOVE my job, but I NEVER hated it like I do right now and I’ve been stuck for a bit now. Thank you and have a great Monday :)

I feel like a sack of potatoes. I can't do anything without getting cripplingly depressed. It feels like I'm unable to do anything these days because of that.

Man, this is killing me. I’ve had very form of ocd I think from POcD, false memory, socd, hocd, perfectionism, contamination, existential and the one that trips me up the most is health ocd. All the stress OCD gives me causes me to feel some pretty weird sensations in my head and lots of depersonalization. I constantly think I’m developing Alzheimer’s, brain cancer, or really just anything else. BUT these fears get a hold of me so well, I actually become forgetful, stutter, experience blurry vision, painful migraines……. And so I get symptoms of the diseases I fear. Any advice this is killing me?🥺

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

I know we are not supposed to thought-stop, but can we tell ourselves to stop checking or stop ruminating with out the OCD cycle continuing?

Hello guys, Im new here and seeking for advice. Im in a relationship with an amazing guy. I love him so much and that’s why my ocd and anxiety are latching onto my connection with him. He was staying over at my place and 2 events happened (something to do with his disease and he had an allergic reaction to food) that caused my stress and anxiety levels to be higher than normal. Followed by a night of bad sleep made things worse. I became very alert and was easily triggered. Something occurred that I completely miscalculated and we talked about it but my anxiety was through the roof at this point. I got these disturbing images of me hurting him in my head. I have had intrusive thoughts in the past but it didn’t affect me this much. Because of the lack of sleep and my high anxiety level made me so afraid of myself that I made the decision to sent him home. I have cried so much since that happened. I feel so bad for having that thought. I love him so much. Our communication is very healthy so I’ve told him about this the day after (why I sent him home). I couldnt do it in the moment because i didnt want to make the situation worse. We werent in a fight when i sent him home but both emotional and hugging each other. I have the feeling that my anxiety and ocd have won the battle by sending him home (avoidance). But i care so much for him that I didn’t want him to be at risk (thats what my mind tells me, i know its showing me disturbing images the opposite of what i want). Im in the early stage of having this type of OCD but I don’t want to lose him. But for me the only way to get this relationship to work is to get rid of this. Can anyone relate? Like, having intrusive thoughts about your partner? I know its latching on to the things you love the most and I hate it so much. Thanks in advance :)

Fearing that I'll somehow resent or blame my children due to harm ocd thoughts. My kids are my world, they always have been for 20 plus years. Just started this 2nd round of harm ocd 2 months ago. First one was 18 years ago. 18 yrs ago was the first round of harm ocd involving my kids and then 18 yrs later,almost 19 yrs later, my 2nd bout with it and it feels like the first time all over again. What if I blame my kids, what if I avoid them on purpose. 2 of my kids are grown adults. My 3rd is 13,but somehow my brain is still seeing them as kids. It's amazing what the brain is capable of. I know I love my children with all my heart and soul. How can I even be questioning this? How can a father of 3, thats been a dad for 22 years start questioning something that I know is impossible. Very frustrating.