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i am in DEEP crisis right now. recently my theme is the fear i will come into ill_gal content without knowing and i will go to jail. this has led me to compulsively research on reddit stories of this happening to other people. due to this in the BODY PARAGRAPHS or HEADLINES of reddit threads i click on, the word c_ in VARIOUS FORMS appears (note: no CONTENT, just the word itself) note that none of my SEARCHES contain this word, but i am not sure it even makes a difference ik that reddit and google are different however my accounts are connected and i’m sure they have systems in place to scan for key words such as c* (pls no one write out the actual word in the comments) what is even worse is that one of my collisions is browsing the r / agajnstdegeneratesubs shbreddit, where users report ill*gal subreddits, social media accs, etc. i have NEVER GONE TO ANY OF THESE OBVIOUSLY it’s just a compulsion as it comforts me knowing that sometimes ppl r exposed to this material without intention however i saw a post that triggered me so badly from a police officer where they look for patterns in repeated searching to start investigations on people and now i am EXTREMELY TERRIFIED THAT THIS IS ME as my (not my search history, but the threads i’ve read) look weird when looked out outside of the context of ocd my paranoia is in full force and i’m 1000% sure now i am on a w_tch list and have an active investigation against me 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i have so many ppl and things i love in my life and i don’t want to lost them i don’t know what to do anymore i feel like i have no options left and i’m crying and shaking all day

Hey- so I’ve had a rather rocky relationship with God and I’ve always been back and forth but in the darkest times of my life, I have tried to turn to God for consolation. But long before I discovered NOCD, I had a very disturbing cycle of OCD situations for months on end of waking up in the middle of night and calling my pastor/ youth counselor trying to clarify if I had committed the unforgivable sin. Because I have had such an up-and-down relationship with God and going astray so often and all of that- I worried that because it felt like I was being struck by a demon trying to urge me to say (I didn’t say out loud but like a low, inaudible mumble in my mouth) “saying” that God was the opposite of what He is… ever since then I’ve struggled with that moment so much and in that moment, it didn’t feel like I 100% cared about doing it. Because I had been constantly plagued with these obsessive thoughts for so long and didn’t understand what they were, I gave in cause I was exhausted from battling it for so long but it didn’t come out like how it’s described in the Bible…. Idk. I just hate myself thinking about it because I have always been one to skid along boundaries so I feel like it was mocking God because I was angry and it just fills me with fear, upset and panic… I remember feeling so terrified and the physical sensation like my chest was burning and I just felt like I was empty… has anyone else ever gone so far in their OCD that they wondered if they could ever come back?

I feel weird. I love mg boyfriend but when we hang out my head is like, wouldn't it be better if he was a female, or if you'd kiss a girl would you like it better. And I wouldn't but it feels like I would like it if he was a girl but I don't becouse I love him. I really feel like I'm lying to myself about my sexuality that I'm not really straight but I am sure that I am. I cant imagine having a girlfriend or kissing a woman. But I fear that I'm just denying my same-sex attraction wich I know I'm not. I watched so much Wlw content, lesbian thirst traps and felt like I needed to feel something but I didn't fell anything except a sense of contentment that I wasn't getting aroused. I tried telling myself that Im lesbian and everyone would accept me and love me the same even if I would have a girlfriend but it doesnt feel right with a girlfriend. I feel so confused.... Even if I try to convince myself that Im not straight I know I'm lying. I just want certainty. Bisexual doesn't fit becouse I feel no sexual attraction to woman and a romantic on also not really. Then when I feel some sort of "attraction" to woman it's just so much anxiety and doesn't feel right. Like I know its not true that I'm lesbian. I fear that maybe I am just to scared to come out to myself wich I know I m not. I really want my boyfriend. I just want certainty.

How do you guys stop the rumination or get past the feeling of wanting to keep obsessing or thinking about the obsession? I feel like this is what is keeping my in the loop rn.

i’ve been scared of going out to new places because i’m scared of dissociating and having anxiety- im obsessive over the thought of becoming anxious so i avoid anything that can possibly make me anxious and i’m missing out on key parts in my life- like making memories with my partner, going out to new places, being outside on beautiful days, losing money from calling out of work, and canceling on important plans due to me avoiding this anxiety i’m obsessed with keeping away. it’s a brutal process. i feel crippled and stuck inside at all times.

I don't really have anyone close to me that i can talk about this with so i just want to have somewhere where no one knows me and I can talk and be consoled by people who understand. I have terrible relationship OCD and constantly fear the worst and imagine things that could end my relationship. We have our issues but we work through them best we can and try to stick together. My girlfriend had a best friend she's known for like 8 years. I have always felt extremely jealous of her because of this. I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't matter how long you've known someone. I just am so jealous because i feel like this best friend is a good person and that i am not. And my girlfriend is going to realize i am a bad person and leave me for her friend. (we are a gay couple) Yesterday me and her friend got into a bit of an argument over something that we disagreed on. We decided to just end it, but later she DMed me calmly and tried to explain that she didn't appreciate how i talked to her. I absolutely went ballistic and blew up at her. Swearing, mean names, aggression, not listening. It was horrible and I feel like a truly am a horrible person for acting this way. It sucks because we had been getting along fine and i thought i was finally past the jealousy. But now it's just 10 times worse. I am spiraling, all i can imagine is my girlfriend leaving me. We have talked and it's simmered down but i can't stop thinking about what happened and how i behaved and i feel so guilty. I apologized profusely and explained how i felt and how i acted was wrong. The friend doesn't have to forgive me but now i know she is saying bad things about me to my girlfriend. I just can't stop thinking and worrying about my girlfriend breaking up with me because she discovered the truth about what a terrible person i am. I have felt suicidal over this but then i feel like an even worse person because i am guilt tripping people by being upset. What do I do? How can i calm the racing thoughts? My brain is so attached to the idea that i'm a bad person and everything i do just proves it. I keep switching from sobbing my eyes out to feeling deep rage because my girlfriend might care more about her friend than me. Deep down i know it's not true and feeling that way is having a really bad impact on my relationship. I want to stop feeling like this. Its so tiring. I cant believe how i behaved... i wish i could go back and have never said anything at all

how do i deal with this ? thoughts that can be true. i try to ignore it or say “it can be” but it makes me sick to my stomach and the feeling doesn’t go away . ever

When my OCD started getting bad again, I started to lose my sense of self. Who am I? What do I enjoy? It’s hard to answer these questions because I’m numb to things I used to enjoy. There’s just so much anxiety for some reason about what type of character I want to be. Like I don’t feel stable in myself. Also: has anyone ever felt like this specifically after heart break? Has anyone gotten these specific OCD symptoms? Side note: I just got that nocd notification saying that they’ve noticed that I posted 3 times in the past 24 hours and how it could be a compulsion. Maybe it is, but at the same time, what am I supposed to do when my brain literally can’t help itself asking so many questions about why I’m feeling unstable and confused? Why am I considering things that are not part of my core values as a person?

Any songs you may want to share that just feel like they speak of your experience with OCD? I use Linkin Park's music to cope a lot, and lately I've been listening to 'Crawling' on repeat...

When I first started therapy I literally thought I was losing my mind. But I am so thankful that God answered my prayer by leading me to a website on scrupulosity which mentioned NOCD. Thanks to NOCD and my amazing therapist (Carnice McFarland) I am reclaiming my life and learning who I really am. Some of my values are changing and I’m reconnecting with others. I’ve come a long way so far and I’m proud of myself. I still have a ways to go though. I have to take this thing day by day, moment by moment even, but I’m doing the work. Some days are harder than others. There are times where I wonder will I ever be better and I can say that I’m better now. It’s all a matter of perspective. I’ve lived 35 years of my life with OCD and I didn’t know until Feb of this year. I can now see that I’ve been dealing with a bunch of different subtypes over the course of my life thus far but due to intrusive thoughts and images around my faith and God last year (they seemed so blasphemous), that’s what started this journey. It may sound strange to say but I thank God because sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I turn 36 on the 13th of next month and I can say that I am getting better every day. I’m determined to continue conquering OCD. My latter days and years shall be greater than the former. I prayed for healing and that’s exactly what I’m doing with each exposure, every time I don’t engage in an exposure, when I break the cycle of rumination, etc. I wouldn’t have been able to make it even this far had I not been able to lean on my faith. I’m learning how resilient I am. I’m stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. I had to introduce OCD to GOD and GOD never loses. So to everyone please stay encouraged. We can and we shall continue to face OCD. I literally pray for those of us who have come to NOCD seeking assistance. One day I pray that our stories, testimonies, suffering, etc will be used to save someone else’s life and to let them know they are not alone. They will see us thriving in life and OCD will be so far in the background that we won’t even notice it. And if you haven’t heard it today, I love you. You matter. Keep moving forward even if you must do it afraid. We got this!!!💕💕💕

This perfectionism ocd is getting out of hand... I keep restarting all over again and again cuz things just don't feel right or aren't in order when it comes to praying. I wanna create a perfect order where I can pray, meditate and read the Holy Bible but Lord is it so difficult to get things in order cuz I still feel like I'm doing something not right or that I've left something out

i am terrified to start ERP. fully terrified. i don’t know if i’m strong enough for it mentally or emotionally. the fact that it’s going to take a long time rather than a quick fix is also turning me away from it. i’m sure a lot of you have dealt with these same feelings, but i truly believe i am not strong enough for it. i would love to hear success stories if any of you have some to share. ❤️

i hate to even write this post and i feel guilty for doing so. my intrusive thoughts are saying i’m attention seeking and don’t deserve advice or help or anything, yet i don’t know what to do anymore. every time i start to get better, a false memory or real event pops into my mind and it’s like a whole episode. i get the same thoughts all over again, and it’s like watching a detective with memory loss trying to figure out the same case over and over again. i’m not sure how to really describe it. it’s like i’m at square one again with whatever situation (real event/false memory) popped into my mind. this time, it’s a situation that feels SO REAL. i’ve done endless searching through old messages from when i was 12/13 to see if it actually happened or if something similar happened. the mere possibility of it actually being real makes me utterly s***idal and that i should be in jail or something. i just can’t ignore this or brush it off. my intrusive thoughts just keep saying “well if you don’t find it someone else will”, or “maybe there’s a groupchat you aren’t in anymore or old dms with someone that you’ll never find” and i can’t take it. i can’t take it anymore. i would like to think i had some common sense at that age but the way the thoughts are it just seems possible. i really, truly, have no idea what to do. if it isn’t this, it’s another thing. if it isn’t that, it’s terrorizing every day intrusive thoughts. i can’t escape this, and i feel like i don’t deserve an escape if the thoughts are true. i don’t even want to assume that the thoughts are lying because the things they say are so serious. i hope i explained this right. i apologize for writing so much and if you read all the way through i’m so sorry for wasting your time. i just really can’t hit rock bottom again. i don’t think i’ll pull through

hi! this post might be me looking for reassurance but i just need to see if there are other people in the same boat here. i have identified as nonbinary and queer for a good few years now, im in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years now. starting a few months ago in about december i had fallen into a fear of actually being a lesbian and not being bisexual due to seeing people with those kinds of stories on tiktok and reddit and also the comphet lesbian masterdoc.. i feel like for me it is hard to tell why the masterdoc relates to me, which is what makes this fear worse. even though i want to like men and feel like i do like men and have the potential to, i have had bad experiences with men in the past, such as being told by an older boy when i was young that he was going to have sex with me, being touched by men in uncomfortable ways, and i also grew up with two abusive(non physical to me) fathers. i feel like i have always had a bit of being uncomfortable with intimacy and love even with two "female" partners in my past. i have also tried to do sexual acts at a young age with men causing me extreme anxiety and nausea even though i did want those things- i feel like i wasnt ready. i was also exposed to porn while i was a toddler so i belive that has something to do with some of these problems. i cant tell if my uncomfortableness is due to trauma, which is my problem. i have been questioning every thought and feeling that i have been having related to my sexuality and my boyfriend, and its killing me. bringing up things from the past and trying to solve it in my head so i just know for sure. i do believe that the masterdoc- yet helpful to some people- is potentially harmful to bisexuals. it has been a long time with this fear now and i just had my first OCD session on here today, which i am glad about. my fear is being worried that i have to leave my boyfriend because it is unfair to him if i am actually gay. some days my anxiety is good and i feel like there is nothing wrong. but other days i wake up with anxiety, get anxious when i think about my boyfriend or talk to him, or otherwise think about anything else related that usually would not bring me anxiety before. part of me is feeling so hopeless and thinking that maybe it is not ocd and i just am coming to terms with actually being gay or falling out of love with my boyfriend. i know i still want to be with my boyfriend deep down and he's the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, but my anxiety and thoughts are telling me otherwise. if anyone has questions or has any input on my post please please comment on here! i am really looking for maybe some people in the same boat or anyone who can share something with me. thanks!

Sometimes when I'm on the bus when there's no seats to take, I find myself standing in the middle of the bus. That can be a problem for me because I'm too tall and my head will push against the roof of the bus. I move a bit away from that spot and I have more had room but then I worry that I'm standing too close to someone sitting to where my stomach or groin is near them and then I feel awkward about it then go back to where I first was. I don't think I was too close but my mind will focus on that.

So I have been unemployed for about 4 years now, and it has taken it’s toll on my self worth a lot. My partner is the sole breadwinner in the house (and insists that she’s been fine with it the entire time), but I feel like such a user. We just moved into an incredible apartment, and I want to be excited, but I’m struggling hard because I did not earn this and I don’t feel I deserve it. Especially because I have done some truly horrible things (I’m not exaggerating at all- it was fucking BAD) in our relationship, and she has supported me during and after this time. I’m looking for a job now that we’ve moved, and I want to try to pay her back for some of these expenses. She’s ok with this, but I feel like that doesn’t even begin to make up for it all. I don’t know how to deal with the stain of being jobless for so long. Especially because she supported me during a time I was doing nothing but hurting her. God, I feel so worthless.

Does anyone obsess that they are essentially losing it? Ive had intrusive thoughts about what if im going through psychosis? or what If i have schizophrenia and they've really been messing with me. I felt better after a therapy session yesterday but today - while I was getting my daughter out of her crib I had the thought - "what if she's an alien" totally absurd thought, I know! But now I'm spiraling thinking that I really do have psychosis or schizophrenia and that I'm losing touch with reality.

I think I’m having relationship ocd. My mom made a comment about my boss potentially liking me… she came up with that idea because I tell her stories about how he treats me; which isn’t very nice. And so she thinks he probably acts like that to see how I react and for him to get my attention. I’m in a beautiful romantic relationship right now and my moms comment opened a door for me to be doubtful about my relationship with my boyfriend, and to second guess myself on wether I might have a crush on my boss… Even writing this all down doesn’t make sense. Someone please help. I don’t like this at all. I love my boyfriend and I wouldn’t do anything to ruin my relationship with him.

I keep worrying my boyfriend doesn’t care about me. When I’m upset sometimes it feels like it takes him a while to reply and he knows that when I feel really bad I like to hear his voice but he’s never offered that to me so it makes me feel like he doesn’t care enough about my needs. He told me that he takes a while to reply because when he’s gaming it’s online and he has to find a safe space to talk to me first, and then he will focus on me but I keep worrying he’s lying about it and that he doesn’t care about me and just continues playing when he’s told me this isn’t the case. I just worry he doesn’t care about me enough. He likes a lot of alone time but I also need attention and I said both are equally important and he went quiet and he didn’t even try to think of a compromise I was the one that suggested that he can be alone for as long as he needs and then he will give me attention when he’s done. I was feeling really sad this morning and I told him being in call would help and to be fair he did call me immediately but I was crying and it felt like he didn’t care he just said that everything will be ok and I love you, I don’t know maybe he expresses his emotions a lot different to mine. It’s just difficult because I don’t understand when someone isn’t exactly like me and it makes me worry that they don’t care about me.

I gave in to compulsion and now that I remember I end it the wrong way and I have to fix it but I am afraid it will get worse but I can't leave it that way I am so paralysed please help me