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I look around at others and feel like they’re “normal” and happy and I’m not. I don’t find joy in things like I used to.

Not to minimize anyone’s suffering, even a minute with an OCD brain is torture. I just wonder if anyone has lived with this condition for so long. What’s your advice? If you’ve done all the things and you’re still stuck. I was a child when I was diagnosed but even now that I’m a lot older I still feel like a scared, insecure child. Afraid of doing everything wrong, not able to pursue my career or goals. And the world is much scarier with social media, information overload, and a general unforgiving nature. My growth and development has been stunted. And I’m embarrassed. And I just didn’t plan for this, I’ve tried to change jobs, lots of ERP, various prescriptions, TMS.. I’ve truly tried to build a life around my diagnosis. But I have nothing to show for it. People’s lives and careers are really starting to take off, but mine never did. I’ve worked so hard, but I was just trying to survive this whole time. I didn’t get to live and dream. And I don’t know how to change that, but I want to. Were you able to reclaim a sense of freedom? I’d appreciate words of wisdom and encouragement. To anyone reading this, don’t give up. I’m still here fighting and I want the same for you. ❤️

Hi everyone, It’s been a while since I last posted here…! I’ve had ups and downs (well, OCD and anxiety…) like everyone else, but that was okay so far. Those past two weeks I’ve been feeling super down due to my job. I’m an ECT 1 (it’s basically my first year of teaching as a teacher of French and German) so I still have a mentor in school. Two weeks ago or so I’ve been told by my head of department, director of trainee development and mentor that I wasn’t improving “as fast as expected” — meaning I’m very slow. Well they are aware that I’m struggling with behaviour management (my two school placements when I was a student teacher weren’t bad, especially the last one I’d been quite spoilt); so they assumed that lesson planning wasn’t that great (especially for German, my classes are really disruptive but I’ve been told that they had 4-5 teachers before me and they did ‘nothing’……). Now what I have to do is to plan my German lessons for my Year 11 (they are taking GCSEs this year) for the whole week, one week in advance. This gives me so much anxiety, as a trainee I wasn’t even able to send my lessons to the teachers/mentors 24h in advance, I don’t know how I’m going to do now. We are starting term 2 tomorrow and I can feel my OCD and anxiety worsen. I spent the break taking care of myself, going out, resting… I’ve only managed to mark all the assessments. I’ve got only 1 lesson out of 3 for my Year 11, I have my mentor meeting tomorrow when I am supposed to show my mentor the 3 lessons for the week, and I have nothing actually well-prepared. I spent half-term obsessing over this, so I always postponed the planning because it stressed me out. I have some free periods tomorrow so I can have a look at that, but still — I have two lessons tomorrow as well and I almost have nothing. I genuinely think that I’m bad at doing my job and start wondering whether this is the right profession for me (something I never doubt during my school placements last year). Besides, my relationship (friends/partner) OCD is also tormenting me at the moment. In sum, if there is any teachers with OCD here, I’d be really happy to get some advice regarding how you cope with pressure / overwhelming situations at work. If you reached the end of this message, thank you for reading.

I’m at the airport. This weekend was a childhood friend wedding. They live in a different state. I was at the family brunch this am. I started to go down thought loop of if I’m a harm or done anything bad. I’m having anxiety and panic I’m my thoughts. My brain has been going up the ladder. I’ve been trying to do some panic reduction technique but not everything is helping. I’m really struggling.

Is it possible to obsess over your relapse and it keeps brining it back and analyzing your feelings? I was feeling so good yesterday and this morning and now I was getting in the shower and then I’m like okay now I feel off again but I wasn’t anxious had no intrusive thoughts til I had that moment and then I caught myself responding with omg no but stoped cause I know you have to just ignore them and sit with it. Maybe it’s just cause I have to go back to work tomorrow

Undiagnosed but I'm trynna observe my behaviour to understand. Could this be considered OCD? I'm at the library. Book a study room on 2nd floor and set my bag and everything in the room. Go to the bathroom and suddenly i remember a book. So i go to the third floor and look for it. I don't know when - but somehow somewhere - i knew / decided (?) that i *had* to keep that book on my desk to study(dont know the name or author but only what it looks like from the side). I keep looking over and over again. Through all isles. Its not a textbook, its a fantasy fiction book. I start getting more and more anxious. I dont know why im looking for the book. Only that i cannot leave 3rd floor without it and i hadd to have that book on my desk as i studied. I went through the same 20ish isles at least 10 times. Browsing, eyeing for that black book with a golden "&" and a gold imprint bird. I am googling lists of fantasy writers, 2023 fantasy writers, 2020 lists, 400+ pages books. Found two empty slots where books couldve been and started to panic. Spent time convincing myself that others could've borrowed the book. I am now trynna convince myself that others couldve borrowed it and thats okay. I continued looking for the book. I searched the empty slots book number in the library database. Continued looking. And im trynna calm down and continued telling myself that maybe someone took it. But the compulsion remained. The need to find the book. The need to hold it. The need to find the name of the book. And the need to leave 3rd floor with the book. I was about to cry at this moment. I considered calling the librarian to ask if someone borrowed a thick black hardcover fantasy fiction book. I didnt stop looking for it. I had a similar loopy situation the other day trynna find the right playlist to plan and then play the right playlist to study. I couldnt find the right playlist to plan so i couldnt plan and didnt study. I recalled playlist incident to tell myself that its nothing and i can just leave any moment. I can *choose* to leave 3rd floor and go to my study room. The clock tower bell rang twice. Its 2pm. I arrived at around 1:20pm. I tell myself i spent half an hour here. I shpuld just go down to my study room. I cant. I keep looking. Then i find it and i exhale a hige sigh of relief. Then i left the 3rd floor. Went to the 2nd floor, to my study room. Put the book on the table. Felt just right. Started studying. The time is 2:24pm. Spent an hour looking for a book. Extremely relieved to find it. Not to read the book but to keep it on my desk so i can study. It was scary though. I wondered what wouldve happened if i didng find the book. There was no other option. I HAD to leave 3rd floor with the book. I wanna know what yall think. And ask me questions about it too. I am undiagnosed. I want to observe myself, so i can present them to my counselor.

So I have ROCD and TOCD. I worry about the relationship between me and my boyfriend and I also worry that I may have gender dysphoria. Recently my boyfriend has been increasingly touchy and sexual, he is always kidding me or touching me (stuff like grabbing my ass) and he’s constantly trying to initiate something. Normally as a very touchy and loving person I’d enjoy this a lot but I just feel so uncomfortable nowadays. If he initiates I reciprocate to him but really I feel really kind of disconnected and I’m not really enjoying it and ready to stop after five minutes. Sex has also been painful so I’ve told him that’s completely out of the question too. I struggle to say no and it’s really not his fault but I have literally no clue why I’m not denying him. Honestly recently I’ve just felt so objectified and uncomfortable because I feel like a lot of his attraction to me is my body. Which I know if normal and I should be happy about it but I feel unhappy about it. Obviously this makes me worry that it means gender dysphoria, but whatever, don’t try to reassure me because I am doing fairly well rn. I just don’t like the idea that a lot of his attraction to me is my hips and ass and boobs, he loves them and is always touching them which I’ve always liked in the last three years of us dating. It’s just now it’s increased I feel weird. I need to tell him about this and how I feel uncomfortable but I really don’t know how to. What is a good way to bring it up? Are my feelings normal, have any others felt this way before, and what exactly did you do about it? I’m struggling to enjoy it when he calls me hot or gorgeous or beautiful or pretty. I feel fake with my reactions and I must be honest with him. I just feel so weird. I would love to actually just stop engaging in any sexual activity for a while to be honest but I don’t know if that’s normal or not and I don’t want him to feel disappointed. I’m just kind of forcing myself through any intimacy and I feel like it’s making my feelings worse. I had to tell him to stop like 3 times today and he is very nice about it but like a few minutes later he begins to be touchy again and tries to initiate again. and I just need him to be wholesome and lovely and gentle preferably, not sexual. To make matters worse I had a dream he sexually assaulted me and when I got mad at him about it (in the dream) he was ignoring me and calling me dramatic. It is something he would never do in real life . I’ve been having fun with my best girl friends and they’re kind of on my mind more than him which makes me feel bad. I still love him and I will fight for this relationship so much and I need him in my life but I don’t know what this means for me either.

How many of you all struggle with free will. I have harm ocd and now I have been trying to find the answers to free will. My brain is telling me that I am pre wired to act these thoughts out and what’s the point of fighting this…ugh it’s so hard

I am having a terrible, terrible day. I woke up thinking that my entire way of thinking and doings things my whole life when it comes to relationships of all kinds has been absolutely weird and strange. Ive never had a problem with relationships in my life. Ive had the same friends for 20 + years. Been with my husband for 14 yrs., but my problem is, I think the way Ive always thought of connecting with people is weird and not right. Im afraid Ive thought living was always about impressing others and I always assumed everyone else thought the same way too. What I mean by this is being so overly focused on myself (but finding enjoyment out of it.) Like, thinking that so & so really likes me as much as I like them, so having this imagination that Im always on their mind, (like they are mine.) Or the fact that I show off in subtle ways like when I sing in the car while someone is with me, while I play pickle ball or really anything. This is going to sound so very far out there, and I wouldn’t expect it to sound any other way, but Im afraid Im full of myself, self-centered, and live life like everyone is so interested in me. (No one has ever said these things to me so it must not be a problem.) I’ll be at the grocery store and get the thought, “what if so & so is here,” and then I’ll start putting on this little show in my head like to make myself look cute or happy or something. Ive had a cut on my foot before and wanted to take a picture of it to send to someone to show them, but I’d take multiple pictures moving my toes around or arranging my foot so that my foot looked nice in the picture because in my mind they’d be more so interested in what my feet look like than the cut. One time I was in the bathtub and the bath water was so hot that if I sat really still, I could see the ripples of my heartbeat on the surface of the water. I went to take a video of the water near the side of the tub to show someone I know, but then had the thought, “arrange your feet in the back ground of the video so they can see what nice feet you have.” I know…very weird. I’m scared something is wrong with me because I think like this. No one knows. No one has ever said to me Im full of myself. No one has ever said my personality or anything else about me is weird. Im generally a pretty funny person and get along well with others well, so I don’t know if this is a problem or not, but Im afraid Im just a weird person. I was having a panic attack this morning and literally had crocodile tears rolling down my face, my husband was hugging me and I had my head on his shoulder. My brain told me to lift my head so he could see how big my tears were and how many there were. It scared me so I kept my head down on his shoulder because I don’t want to keep thinking that Im a show off. This even goes in to how I make certain facial expressions, my body language, & mannerisms. I am always moving or talking or doing something to where I feel like others would admire me, think Im cute or just see me in a admirable way. I feel absolutely miserable over this. Ive been this way my whole life. I can remember as far back as being 6 yrs old and doing stuff like this. Its just how Ive connected with people. I just realized this all about myself in August and had a massive OCD attack for the first time. Ive been like this for almost 3 months. Does anyone relate to this way of thinking or do similar things. Please nothing negative or anything to make me feel worse. Thank you.

I was on tiktok and I intentionally looked up “comphet video”, because I was so sick of feeling anxious and just “wanted an answer”. In one of the videos, the girl said that she realised what “true attraction” felt like because when she was with a girl she felt like there was a magnet between them and like she would “die” if she wasnt physically close to her. I did a compulsion and compared this to how I am with my bf and its not “strong” like that. Another video said that “ she loved the attention of the guy and seeked validation from guys and love feeling protected but it was not love”. I usually use these arguments to ground myself when I’m panicked and remember why I am with my bf. And now turns out its a thing and that means its comphet?! At this poing im not even triggered, im just sad. I just wanna be happy eand not regret anything when I am 70. + they all say that the hardest part was accepting that about themselves ( inner acceptance ). Ughh

I wanted to handle it myself but i just can't do it. I need to get this off from me. First of all, Im really struggling. These days, I can never, ever pray. I feel like I'm moving away from God. I'm afraid of leaving religion and becoming a bad person. I doubt that God will put me on a bad path and punish me for not being able to worship. Religious people always say, "Who does not worship moves away from religion and becomes a bad person." Why am I being punished for something I have no control over? I feel like God hates me, God is cruel, selfish these days.. I want to worship. But I can't. I really want to do my religious duties but my body just doesn't does it. I truly want to do it but i don't, i can't. And i don't even know why.. im crying, i really feel so helpless. Im always feeling scared when im about to pray to God about me, my partner and other things. (I also have relationship ocd) "what if i get triggerred when i pray? What if i can't focus when i pray? What if i don't feel anything when i pray? What about the 'God does not allow a prayer that He won't accept.' sentence you see?" I want to get closer to God, I'm afraid of getting away from him. But I just can't do it. What's wrong with me..? I just feel so hopeless. I have doubts over my religion.. i can't trust God like i used it to.. i ask God to help me for weeks but i just feel worse.. what can i do?? I want to know God correctly. I want to get closer to him. I want to trust him. By the way i'm Muslim, but i accept the advice even if you believe in another religion. Thank you.

My therapist told me not to make any decisions about my relationship….its hurting me because I see my partner fully committed to me and I have to go on with the mentality of not making decisions….he wants to marry me have a future with me. And I’m here in this horrible situation…why did she say that…. What do I do! Pls advice me.

If someone told me what I’m about to say when I was in the depths of my OCD, I probably would’ve punched them in the face. However, it is an important part of recovery. Stop looking for an answer. Like seriously, don’t half ass it. The subtype I recently had was SO OCD that stemmed from ROCD. I didn’t even realize this, but during my recovery, I was secretly waiting for the moment I could confidently say “Yes I am straight” with no voice of doubt. That’s not the point of recovery, and it was what was actually hindering my progress. You have to fully accept you may indeed be whatever you fear. Having SO OCD is no guarantee you are not the sexuality you fear (it’s unlikely, but possible). Seeking certainty is the exact opposite of what OCD recovery is about. You have to 1) identify your fears, 2) throw any expectations for recovery away, and 3) do ERP properly. All you know is you have OCD (yes, even despite the the voice saying you don’t) and you have to deal with that. I said this in another post, but I’ll say it again: OCD is not a once and done sort of deal, it can come up later in the future (same subtype or diff), and it’s the unfortunate reality of our lives, but oh well🤷‍♀️we can’t wallow in anxiety and self pity forever

Hi people, I’ve been feeling really down lately and am wondering whether I may actually have some form of pure o ocd after doing some research. Just not sure how if it’s just me being a doubtful person/ major over thinker or something a bit more. Some of my experiences which are making me wonder include… in high school I experienced very consuming overthinking around a could areas - humility - I was constantly paranoid I would be perceived as self-absorbed. I would sometimes feel really uncomfortable whenever I would say ‘I’ in a sentence for fear there was too much focus on myself. Embarrassed by achievements and friends dubbed it a ‘humility complex’ - friends - constantly doubting whether a friend actually liked me or if they were just faking it/being nice. Also worried about things like silent pauses and if that would mean the friendship wasn’t real - sexuality. Since realised I’m actually asexual but growing up in a religious household I did not know this. I would be scared to watch movies because of how much time I’d be spending watching the male vs the female and if that would mean I wasn’t straight. Worried about me finding female influencers pretty and then feeling the need to also look at male people to see if I felt the same about them. - people - although I’m aroace, would get attached once in a blue moon to a person emotionally and constantly be thinking about them (like years) and feeling terrible about the fact that I’d never be able to like them in the same way as others. This could last for ages and the person wouldn’t even know me that well Now at uni… - my faith - completely destroyed my faith in a complete existential crisis. Couldn’t put the breaks on endless existential questions, spending hours googling - my love of music (as a music major) - this is affecting me right now terribly. Alway have felt guilty maybe not being as passionate as my peers and now I feel like I can’t even listen to music without thinking about whether or not I’m enjoying it or not and if not, does that mean my passion is gone. Feeling the need to see if I’m following as music people online as my peers. Then I want to avoid things because I feel like any involvement in musical activity is performative :( - mental health - feeling like crap and checking whether I might have depression (so many online quizzes). Then feeling bad because maybe I’m just tricking myself into it and feeling sorry for myself. Thus, not wanting to get help because I’m scared I don’t actually have depression and I’m just either overly self-aware or looking for an excuse for my current laziness/general lacklustre about life. Feeling bad when I am happy because maybe that means when I am depressed ‘I’m just faking it’ I feel the constant need to go in long walks or watch brain dead shorts on social media just to get my brain to be quiet. Feeling very unproductive and I hate it but am not sure if actually I’m just super lazy and directionless Sorry for the long post - a lot has been on my mind, but would appreciate any thoughts

I went out for drinks with a group of colleagues and one of them i think has a cool vibe but im in a committed relationship and would never do anything to hurt my boyfriend because i love him so much I cant “imagine” myself with this co worker or anything its more just his vibe is attractive and i hate myself for thinking that I moved seats and sat where he sat when he got up but its because i was on the end and wanted to get more involved my brain was like “its because you want him to sit next to you” but that wasn’t true BUT i now feel so disgusting and guilty (he didn’t sit next to me by the way he sat somewhere else after) Anyone been through this- whats happening to me😭😭😭😭

OCD/ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is very common in teenagers and young adults today. It’s an anxiety disorder with LOADS of symptoms. You wonder if you actually have it? Well, let’s review a few symptoms, comment if you have any! 1. Compulses- Do you ever get a thought of something bad happening if you don’t do something? Ex: “If i don’t turn off the lights three times, i might die..”, etc. This is probably one of the most common OCD symptoms, and it’s the formation of OCD, if you have compulses you probably have OCD. 2. Obsessive checking- Do you think you need to constantly make sure your lights were turned on, you locked your doors, you turned off your oven? This is obsessive checking. Ex: “What if my stove is still on? Will my house burn down? If my doors not locked, what if someone gets in? What if my lights are still on and my power goes out and i can’t see?”, etc. 3. Contamination- Do you fear germs or getting sick? You might have emetophobia, or germophobia or OCD, or ADD but if you always wash your hands before eating, sanitize often, fear vomit, it’s a symptom of OCD! 4. Perfectionism- Oh perfectionism, what everyone things OCD is ALL ABOUT! Yes, this is apart of it, but not quite. Perfectionism is like a phobia, or you might just be very organized! You might be obsessed with cleaning which can and may be part though! But this is not a SUPER common symptom! 5. Lonely OCD- You think everyone hates you and your a failure, your this and your that? First of all, your not. Take a breath. I love you. Second of all, this is a common symptom, it’s in a lot of OCD cases. You could also have mono phobia or depression, but you’ll get through this! Don’t stress it please please please! You’re okay!! Trust me, you’re extremely loved my sweetheart. 6. Your family has it- Does your family have OCD and you have a lot of symptoms and don’t know if you have it but fear you do? You might, sadly, i got mine from genetics and it got worse after stress. Surround yourself with a healthy environment like i have always, have supportive friends, you got this!! We will face OCD together and kick it in the butt!! (DM me or comment on this for help with this confusing situation or someone to talk to).

This all started back in June which I'm questioning if this is a common cause for hocd or a trigger So before this started i always felt straight always liked girls never liked dudes never got attracted to them or nothing didn't even question it right hell even since I'm in highschool and I'm 16 we always made gay jokes and stuff never thought anything about it tho even on discord people would be weird and send gay stuff (never got aroused to it or anything just laughed it off or go disgusted) but what triggered this off made me question.... It all started when I was watching a tik Tok story time and it started off talking about a straight relationship and how they were dating The dude got cheated on and wanted to get revenge so he decided to go on tinder and match with the dude and go out with him and set up a date they matched and he didn't know how cus he thought the dude was straight but enough waffling he then got with the girls other ex which was also gay and they had a threesome which in the heat of the moment turned me on but what I question is was it in the heat of the moment and just the sexual factor that turned me on or was it the gay things? I rewatched the video yesterday and I got a lot of anxiety watching it but sat thru it didn't get a groinal or nothing today I watched it again got some anxiety no groinal Now I'm just confused really this hocd left me in a weird spot Idk if it's denial or HOCD it's just so much questions and what ifs My libido is actually fine I get aroused to women and what not now what I mainly struggle with is feeling love I guess but idk if that has anything to do with hocd or maybe other mental health things I wanna be in a relationship with a girl I know deep down I do and in real real moments of clarity I feel good thinking about it but then it goes back to questioning what if I really don't and it kind of ruins the feeling I had into doubt What if I'm lying to myself Something else thats started to scare me more is the fact that denial is when there only scared of being accepted That doesn't cross my mind at all Idk why but now the more I think about it I'm scared that I'm going to get scared about being accepted as gay? But I'm not gay? Idk I'm just confused in a weird spot I'm not getting groinals Not getting as much anxiety Not as much intrusive thoughts or feelings ig Just questioning and maybe a little bit of analyzing it's weird I can't even really describe what I feel even some of the stuff I've typed feels like it's not real or whatever idk it's just very confused and in a weird spot Is this maybe recovery!?!? pls voice your opinions I'm sorry if this was a little long

It’s almost impossible to get appropriate care/help for OCD here in Slovakia. I have very strong perfectionism and order&symmetry OCD. It consumes most of the time of my day. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it.😣 Doctors are so badly educated about this disabling disease. It’s a miracle to find a doctor who does not understand OCD as one generally disease but categorizes it into its subtypes. Each time I visit a new doctor - they tell me someting like this, so you are very strict about your hygiene and need to have everything perfectly arranged/ordered? This is their whole conception of what OCD is, talking about my problems with them seems useless, waste of time, cause they seem like they’ve read about it on one page at med school 20years ago and this is where their knowlege of OCD starts and ends I am so desperate. I don’t want to live like this. I take 200mg of Sertraline. It does help a lot, but does not solve everything. The way my mind works, the way I reassure myself and control everything consumes most of my time when I am awake. It’s horrible. Provided I didn’t speak English, I would be completely screwed. Cause the only help I actually get is by reading about OCD in English and by using this app.

Hi All, Great community, it’s been really helpful. Please note that this may be triggering and I’m not looking for an exact answer (our worst outcome) but was hoping to see if anyone has had similar experiences. I struggle with SO-OCD - I’ve been thinking I’m gay for the past month. At first, my intrusive thoughts were questioning and I had panic attacks/acute anxiety. I’m on session 2 of CBT (my third round of CBT overall). Before, I had ROCD. Luckily, I managed to get over that bout. The crux of my situation is this - my thoughts have moved from questioning whether I’m gay to stating in my head “I’m gay”. I’ve never wanted to with a man or considered myself anything other than straight until the past month I started on Wellbutrin, which doesn’t help with OCD but does help with anxiety and depression. As of this week, I have not been feeling anxious but I am constantly ruminating and Googling (5-10 hours a day). I’m getting groinal response (wanting to sleep or kiss every man I see) and I’m checking for attractiveness in both men and women. I am trying to do exposures, but I’m not getting any anxiety from the ones I am doing. I get a delayed response and I feel revulsion at what I’m writing. My SUDS doing these is max 4 and I’m unable to get it higher. Because I’m not getting the anxiety response, I’m unable to get uncomfortable with the thought, even though I am uncomfortable with the whole idea of being gay (because I don’t feel like I am when I’m rational) This has got me very confused, so wanted to know if anyone has any good triggers to practice, and if anyone’s thoughts had been super assertive rather than questioning Thanks in advance ❤️

So I decided to taper off my medication and found myself in a rough patch again. All my emotions and ruminating thoughts have come back stronger than ever. This made me realise that I haven't been learning to deal with my emotions through therapy at all, the medication has just been masking them like a bandaid. In my opinion, covering emotions up with medication isn't recovery at all, it's sticking your head in the sand because the emotions are too much. Wherever I go, doctors keep telling me that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. I want to be like I was before I had my first mental breakdown, I didn't need medication and I was mentally resident. This is my idea of full recovery, not relying on medication for the rest of my life. I just struggle to get my head around what happened in 2019 when all of a sudden I wasn't ok. I want the old me back...