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Anyone else freaking out about the days getting shorter? I hate this 😭😭. It’s dark at 5 pm

Growing up as a kid, whenever I’d get new shoes, a new bike, or just something cool, I always had my friends and the other kids in the back of my mind thinking about how cool they’d think my new shoes are, my new bike is, or my new toy, etc. The thought of them thinking my new item was cool added to the excitement of what It was I was getting (shoes, toys, etc.) In fact, I felt like I wanted them to be jealous of me. I wanted them to have thoughts like, “ugh…she’s so lucky, I wish I had that, etc.” In a way I wanted them to be jealous of me. I was not a mean kid. I had many friends in elementary school, who I am still friends with to this day nearly 30 yrs. later. These were just private thoughts in my head that I gave no thought to. Now as an adult, whenever I go to decorate for Christmas, make an amazing Thanksgiving meal with a gorgeous table, have my master bathroom redone, etc., I still weirdly have those kinds of thoughts in my head of wanting the neighbors to think we have the most beautiful house, or friends and family to wish they had our newly remodeled bathroom. Again, Im a nice person, am often told I am nice, but these thoughts bother me so much that I think that way. They’ve always been background noise in my head since I was a wee little kid and I think they’re just apart of me. Does this make me a sh*tty person? Can anyone else relate?

It's been 22 months since I fell victim to existential OCD and heavy depersonalization, and it feels like an eternity. I can't shake off this feeling of not existing like I'm on autopilot and everything around me is just a blur. I can't connect with my family and friends, and worst of all, I couldn't even recognize myself in any of the pictures I had. It's like I'm living in a parallel universe, detached from reality. Nobody realises that some people have to expend tremendous energy daily merely to be normal in the eyes of others. My faith deconstruction was kicked off as my anxiety and OCD worsened and inner critique of the most strongly held beliefs I had for no good reason to hold it's a double ended sword it made me see the world for what it really is and accept that no body truly has an understanding of what all existence is all about as well as maintaining my anxiety and worstening it at times no longer for the sake that we dont know why we have something instead of nothing but instead the implications this have with the people in my life that think there is a reason. My mind is constantly paralyzed with thoughts on matters of existence, and I've fallen so behind on my med-school work that I don't think I can catch up anymore. The tuition fees are burning in front of my eyes, and it exaggerates my anxiety. I've always wanted to get into med school, and I suffered so much to get into it, reapplying three times. Now it seems like everything is slipping away from me, and I'm powerless to stop it. I know my OCD is constantly seeking comfort, and I may come across as wanting you to conform to my way of thinking. But please understand, more often than not, during my rants, I forget this. I don't want to continue this cycle all of this is unwanted, and I need to remind myself to love myself. In the past, I had health anxiety for about a year and a half, and it evolved into my mind convincing me that I was schizophrenic because I thought intrusive thoughts were the same as hearing voices. It's been a long and hard journey, going through different phases of Harm OCD, Solipsism, and finally Existential/Pure-o. I just hope that someday, I'll find my way out of this darkness. For the past year, not a thought goes by that isn't about the matter of why I exist and how, and what may lie beyond us. That's when I (now regrettably) opened up to my mom about this issue, and her answer was for me to participate in the Islamic faith again. I went back to Islam to find answers and enjoyed learning about its formation and how it shaped our world today in matters of science, mathematics, and philosophy. I also interacted with other Muslims to learn more about the religion and removed some major misconceptions I had due to improper teaching. Overall, I have a newfound respect for it and what it provided humanity with, especially in the more progressive and “free thinking” Islamic traditions that are, for some reason, stifled and castigated against as they don't adhere to the dogmatic mainstream. I also fell in love with the stories in it, which I see as allegorical and not literal. But saying that is enough to get my head on a stick in some places and would cause arguments with my mom. I came out with even more questions than I came in with, and the nature of my OCD keeps flip-flopping, doubting myself, and wanting a concrete answer to life. But I realized that limiting my beliefs to one book that lacks evidence for its claims, as well as problems with interpreting the texts (as there is no such thing as an objective reading into such texts as society evolves and context is incredibly important), was not doing it for me a book that stands for everything simultaneously stands for nothing. It caused a form of critical thought suicide. A God with all knowledge, power, etc., could make it easier to make the message objective with no forms of interpretation to make logical sense. It was kind of naïve and ignorant and bred tribalism throughout my life, especially watching my parents bicker constantly over which one was true or not, chucking books all over. That's when I came to know that all religions do is separate us from each other and the environment around us. I was taught as a child that everyone but us (Muslims to an extent) is going to perish by eternal torment, but God is simultaneously merciful and loving and allows forms of terrible evil (terminal illnesses and environmental disasters) to do so, especially knowing that there are 4200+ other religions throughout human history out there with 330m+ deities, is blissful ignorance and contradiction that I cannot ignore (a gamble) as they deny all of them based on ignorance and not finding out which would then make you an atheist with respect to the other religions yet they fail to see this and want me to do the same thing with no justification as to why. You can give me good reasons to, but that doesn't negate all the others or prove them wrong and yours right and in doing so you're being bigoted no matter what. Not to say that all justifications of beliefs are delusional I see religion as something that can be very important to some and provides meaning to their lives, especially after times of calamity etc as well as forming privative communities used to fight injustices and side with the poor in that era and additionally can be used to justify its exact opposite (exploitation war etc) and for me, it never really helped me especially when I need it the most it's always a sunk cost... There's so much more to this life than the cages of religious dogmas and superstition. Dogmatic individuals have many problems in understanding new ideas as they are comfortable in their stubborn ignorance and are hostile when you point it out... They fail to realize that their life experience determined by their material conditions shape their beliefs and to say one is better than the others is nothing but flat-out garbage as you cannot know because you can't experience their lived experience and her spamming me videos of people converting as "proof" that the religion is tRuE is beyond ludicrous but I know she only has good intentions but is unaware that no matter how good these intentions seem to you to others they can be the opposite. It's just that I do not appreciate when someone uses their own personal reasons to believe in it and put it on me like it would work the same that breeds insincerity and false belief additionally using mechanisms of shame, guilt, and fear to reinforce your beliefs to be objective truth is simply cruel and condescending. Insincere belief on matters of God is disbelief you cant simply force yourself to become sincere as that's doing the complete opposite it must come from within as it is simply personal and has no justifications as to why you have it you simply have it and it gave you a piece of mind and without someone constantly telling you to do it on their behalf. It comes off as very pushy, arrogant and two-dimensional and lacks any nuance and diverts me from even giving it a chance as I don't fit into your " rigid confines of why you should". I feel like I'm being gaslit and bullied, and forced to pick sides that I don't fully accept. I never explicitly chose not to believe our of rebellion or sake of personal gain this was a lonley and devastating realisation based on reason as opposed to my prior religious convictions fueled on purely emotional appeals and group think resulting in me never actually about if the beliefs I hold were true in the first place but instead if it can provide emotional support causing me to interpret scripture written in days old and renegotiate with it inorder to fit my current progressive worldview that's what Kickstarted my realisation of how dishonest things like that can be especially in the hands of an authority . The unsubstantiated claims and internal contradictions increase my ruminating to paralyzing levels due to the presence of uncertainty, leaving me feeling like I never had a choice. Instead of being raised as a carbon copy of my parents, why was I not raised to find my own truth and not recycle borrowed ones that are not self-evident? I know confessing and arguing with others is inherently compulsive behavior, but I always want to give in, and doing so will result in more problems, so I MUST refrain. Forcing someone down a path to a treasure they don't want robs me of a life that is my own; it's like I'm living their unlived lives. The inner parent in my mind is rarely enlightened or aligned with my intentions, yet I can observe how deeply these things run. My parents' views rarely stick out in my mind; they merge with mine, lose their identifying labels, and become sides of everyday consciousness, indistinguishable from what we more broadly want and believe.

Hello, I’m new to this app! I’ve been struggling with ocd since I was young.. I joined this app as I feel really alone and want to feel less alone in my struggles! My ocd has always been around but is better some days than others

I don't know if I can survive this, now I know that the recovery isn't linear but this OCD spike this week was something else, it's my hardest one so far, I really don't if I'll make it out alive, I'm alone and I have no one to talk to

I don’t know anymore it just feels like it’s growing like I don’t have a sexual attraction to same-sex and never did, but it feels like physical attraction I guess(emotional or romantic). Like at work there's this one dude my brain likes to linger on and i get urges to ask him out and it feels like genuinely attractive. This is a genuine attraction how I used to feel with women. Like no anxiety no nothing, or maybe a little bit because you everyone gets nervous around crushes. And now for women like if i even tried to fantasize about them it feels like i don't even like it anymore and it feels like my body and brain pushes it away when I try to fantasize or try to find a girl attractive now. Is this still HOCD and if so how can i beat this stage.

Let me start this out by saying I am not diagnosed with anything; I'm just looking for insight from people. So yeah, this all started like 5–6 months ago. I had disturbing intrusive thoughts before, but I was usually able to just shake them off but theyd always come back some days they were worse than other they were alway super disturbing but i have never experienced anything like this before and i am actually terrified that I am an awful person and i want to act on these thoughts or that i do want these thought and i am just trying to convince myself that it is ocd so i dont feel gulity about thinking about it like what if im just useing the possibility that i might have ocd as an exause that way i dont have to take responsibility for it. When I was playing Tomb Raider and listening to a podcast, I got this image of me doing something that I couldn't remember doing, and it sent me spiraling, and I'm still spiraling right now, and that kept going, me trying desperately to remember what happened by searching my search history, and my moms, and dads then i started looking for dates, asking my parents what was going on during specific days, and I'm still fighting with myself about this, and I'm just so confused as to how I could ever forget doing something like this and then it spread into my dreams. I'm pretty sure they were dreams, but it's been so long that I'm not sure if they were dreams or memories of me doing this thing. Then it spread into religion, im Christian, so it was quite anxiety-inducing, and still my thoughts go haywire when I'm at church, images about God, and just disturbing things in general. Then it spread into really distressing thoughts about suicide and hurting my family, so I started avoiding knives, scissors, and all that stuff. I also started to count pretty much everything I do. I also started avoiding cooking because every time I try and help with that stuff, I feel like I'm having a panic attack and that I'm going to get everyone sick. I've been washing my hands very often, to the point of dry cracking. I've used pure rubbing achol and bleach and soap on my hands. I cant leave the bathroom without wiping down the toilets with bleach. I also count the my seat belt because if I don't i feel like we're getting into a crash because of me. Last, I cried because I didn't finish counting, and my brain was like your mom was going to die. Also, I fell asleep before doing my nightly routine because I was exhausted, and I feel so guilty for not doing it, like my entire family could've been burned alive or our house could've been broken, and it would've been all my fault and sad. I've spent pretty much all of my days just dissasoating scrolling on TikTok. I've started avoiding showering, brushing my teeth, and using the toilet because it takes so long to do them. Because of all the counting, I've been trying every day to figure out if I'm in denial and if I'm just an awful person who wants to think about this stuff or if it's okay, plus the fact that my memory keeps reminding me of something that happened to me a couple years ago and adding stuff to it and telling. It was my fault, plus the fact that I've been avoiding animals, because of these thoughts . Ive been raking through my memory to remember what I was thinking and feeling in certain moments with certain people, or so and I just feel like an awful person, so yeah. Everyday feels so fast, and I feel not real. I spend most of my day googling and looking stuff up. I don't know anymore im scared that I do wanna do these things I'm scared that I'm just in denial? Im starting to feel numb i cant feel anything and im scared that it means i do actually want these thoughts and that i did actually do this thing that i cant remeber and i struggled to even wash the knives that were in the sink i could barley that without immediately dropping them if i did do these things i just dont think i could live with myself

I'm sick of feeling like I need to get this off my chest and confide in someone, but when I do nobody seems to get it and they just end up hurting me and making me feel more alone

I managed to control my real event ocd for about a few months and suddenly it came back I feel horrible

Disclaimer, I am diagnosed with OCD, GAD, PTSD, ADHD, Panic Disorder and hypochondria. I’ve been in the midst of what I hope and pray is just an extremely debilitating health ocd theme for about 4 months now, where I’ve basically convinced myself I am in the midst of psychosis or developing schizophrenia or a related disorder. I obsess over it day and night to the point where I can’t even function hardly. Constantly researching symptoms and seeking reassurance. Ive been having this weird symptom where my ear canal will randomly feel this pressure/ticklish sensation and I start to become hyperaware of the hole in my ear, and I get this weird tense feeling almost like I’m expecting someone to stick their finger in my ear or expecting something to go inside of it, this weird sensation almost makes me want to cover my ear but I never do. But when I get this weird ear feeling I get absolutely ridiculous crazy thoughts like “what if a demon is trying to get inside your ear” and I’m like WTF why would I even think of that, I don’t even believe in demons or religious stuff like that to begin with. I recognize that the thought is nonsense and FAR out of the realm of reality and makes zero sense.The fact that I would even have a thought like that to begin with scares the f**k out of me! I have never ever had thoughts like this before. YET now whenever I get that weird sensation in my ear I still get intense anxiety, why? Why do I still get such crippling fear from this ear sensation even if I don’t believe the thoughts? Why would my brain even come up with a thought like that in the first place? I’m so terrified of schizophrenia and psychosis, I don’t want to lose my mind ): I have a wife and so many dreams. I’m so scared of losing it. Has someone ever experienced anything remotely similar to this? I know this is very far fetched. I’m so afraid of losing insight, I’m so afraid of actually believing these delusional thoughts. The physical sensation is so disturbing to me and I don’t know why.

For 3 months I've been sadder more than ever I just feel so unhappy with my life and I feel like Don't want to live anymore when I go to school I feel like I don't have any friends and everyone's mean to me but I try to act nice and act like it doesn't bother me but it does I've been abused in the past but my family and bullied very severely at school for all my life I'm so sad I have a therapist at school she's trying to help me but I don't know if I should tell the truth because I'm afraid what she'll say on Thursday when I went to school I felt so sick and sad I didn't want to be there because I didn't feel safe I felt like I wanted to hurt myself and other people I know I never do that I want to hurt myself because I think it'll make me feel better but I managed to let it pass what should I do please give me some advice

Show them some love!

There’s always that sense of relief after moments of passive aggression in an abusive, toxic “relationship”.. Where you get into your spat and there’s no order. You become silent and avoidant but then you make it over that hump; making the rest of the day easier. It’s easy for me to breathe until the intrusive thoughts happen: “He’s only doing this because he wants to have sex with you. He’s not a good father. He doesn’t care about you or your daughter. This is manipulation.. the kids cleaning, the candy…ALL OF IT. You have to run or he’ll kill you one day all because you won’t interact with him. He’s going to hurt me again. It’s just a matter of time before he bullies me and taunts me and makes the house unlivable.”

Hi guys! I see a lot of you think being recovered from ocd means you no longer get intrusive thoughts, this is incorrect. EVERYONE (even people without ocd) get intrusive thoughts, being recovered from ocd means that you no longer allow thoughts of ANY kind (regardless of their content) impact your life. I hope this clears up some confusion about what life post recovery looks like; trust me I get a tonnnnnn of intrusive thoughts I just learned how to respond to them and live by my values as opposed to anything that pops up in my head. My mantra is remember: feelings aren’t facts and a thought is just a thought (don’t use these as compulsions though😘) Have a great night 😘💗🤭

So I have my own story. Kind of. Basically one of the characters (NOT mine, this character is from a book/show but I've changed them so much it's barely the character now), has a disability. I'm not sure why I made this so in the first place, but I did. It's been this way for a while, and I guess I classed this as angst, as I wrote loads, as well as maybe part of their character/depth. I guess this is sort of okay, because it is fiction. However.. 1) I feel like this has led me to romanticise these types of things. I understand why this might have happened though. 2) I feel like maybe I see it in the same way as I see like, I don't know, a part of their character almost like idk their clothing sense. I shouldn't. I don't want to romanticise, or even fetishise, this kind of thing. I get that you get angst and stuff in writing and that's fine but I'm not liking who I'm becoming about this. Does anyone have any tips? I feel like I should distance myself from the story and stuff but it means loads to me and I love writing it. I just don't want to romanticise and get desensitised to things that are serious. If anyone is going through the same thing or knows any tips I would appreciate it.

I just started therapy a couple of weeks ago and my therapist is a complete gem. I feel comfortable with her and think she's a great fit. As I'm sure many (all?) of you have done, she tasked me with filling out the fear and response list. I started on a good note but soon, the perfectionistic, "just-right" OCD side of me came to play. I have a total of 26 fears and responses in this list so far and have written, rewritten, categorized, uncategorized, combined, split apart, and done everything you could ever dream of over and over and over again (I want to add more but have been forcing myself to not even look at it). Thinking through my obsessions and triggers has made me unbearably anxious and is leading to a depressive spiral (and unhealthy coping mechanisms). My therapist said I could stop adding them, that I put enough info, but my brain is going 10 million miles an hour trying to think of how to make these things make more sense, wondering if I put in enough context/info, if I should add examples, etc. If I can't bear going through this first task, it feels like this whole process is going to be hopeless for me. Any words of advice?

Does anyone else obsessively check their email, especially when waiting for something 😭 I struggle SO much with this because I know that I don’t need to check it this much and I know that people are busy and things take time but when I’m waiting for something I can’t stop waiting and it’s just so frustrating. On a regular day, I check my email frequently throughout the day because the notifications bother me but also because I get overwhelmed if I get too many/if I feel inundated by the volume of messages. I remember once I was out with a friend and had been checking my emails at the table and then again at the bathroom and she even brought it up to our server and was like “can you believe this girl checking her emails at the bar” (she is a sweet loving bean, I don’t want this to make her sound insensitive, she was trying to be funny)…but on days where I’m waiting on something it becomes so. much. worse. For example, I recently interviewed for a program in India and they told me it’ll likely take about a week for them to get back to me, however I’ve been obsessively checking my email since immediately after the interview (the interview was yesterday). I can’t get it out of my head and I try to remind myself that today is a holiday, tomorrow is the weekend, and they still have to reach out to my references before I hear back, but it doesn’t stop me from checking. It’s so frustrating because it’s sort of paralyzing in a way. Like I literally will sit on my bed and scroll on my phone so I can check my email every five minutes when I know I should be and WANT to be doing something productive but I just feel like I’m stuck in waiting mode and I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s concerning because it interferes with my daily functioning and focus and quite honestly it poses safety risks too because I even obsessively check while driving. I don’t know what to do or how to work through this issue, it is something that brings me SO much distress and I just really needed to vent about it. Please please please share if you have any experiences of this what has worked for you in decreasing the feelings of paralysis and the need to obsessively check even when you know nothing will have changed. I greatly appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. Thank you 🤎

If anyone just wants to talk, and hang out, I’m here! Come on share some hobbies, make some friends, and hang out!

There's someone I previously had a relationship with, we were only 15 so not a very mature/deep one and it only lasted a few months. I broke up with them and they were very hurt by it, and later shared posts online about how upset they were and then blocked me. I feel really guilty for hurting them and for not being honest about why I ended it, because essentially at the same time as being with them I was building feelings for my current boyfriend and we got together only a month or so after I broke up with this other person. I feel awful and like I was cheating on the other person, and I've been searching for them on social media and eventually found one of their accounts. It's private but I feel like I really need to apologise, but I'm worried if I request to follow they'll remember me and get upset again. I'm pretty sure my urge to apologise is a compulsion, but I just hate thinking that they don't like me and hate knowing that I hurt them.

Hello everyone! Recently I’ve felt and have proven to be conquering OCD, but in my last therapy session my therapist stated that if I want to be who I want to be I will have to address my childhood SA trauma. She says I have OCD and it’s influenced by the trauma. In that therapy session I learned that for me everything is connected. But it makes me so sad, I thought if I can get these thoughts under control everything will be fine and my anxiety will subside. After that therapy session I haven’t done ERP practice. And I felt like I’m forgetting my responses to thoughts. Im leaning into compulsions more like all my progress has been “deleted”. I just want a path like a step by step process. The thought that I have is “if I do these steps and instruction then I’ll get to a place of peace.” I thought I had one but now I feel I can’t see one anymore. Has anyone had to maneuver through both OCD & trauma? If so any tips?