Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I had dreams about my intrusive thoughts and I’m disgusted because I was thinking my dreams mean something. Trying to tell me this defines who I am?

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Loss of attraction, constant running thoughts, groinal responses, intrusive thoughts, while trying to function like a normal person throughout all of it. I feel like I’m not a lesbian anymore :(

So with the new year here, I’ve been reflecting on my life a lot and what I hope to improve. The past year has been rough, to say the least. I’ve been feeling and expressing a lot of guilt, anxiety, depression, and frustration during this time, especially since I feel like I’m not doing enough working part-time two or three days a week and being on my fifth year in college for another two days a week. I’ve been feeling like I’m doing very little and have been beating myself up for not pushing myself working or going to college seven days a week (part or full time) like my mother and friends despite my current situation, and that makes me feel like I’m wasting the money provided to me by my grandmother. I’ve also been feeling guilt over not visiting family members or getting out of the house as suggested by my family as a means of helping me mentally and feeling better about myself. My motivation has been low and I’ve been stuck in the house pondering over everything while I feel like I selfishly put stress and frustration on my family. I also cannot drive (let alone have a drivers license) unlike the rest of my family and friends which makes me feel like even more of a burden to them since I cannot go to college or work without them. I can’t even motivate myself to do that since I’m afraid to even drive. I’ve been sharing and expressing myself to my family and I’m thinking I’m adding more pressure and stressing them out since they have lives of their own. I’ve become increasingly reluctant to share (or repeat) my situation since I’m afraid I’ll end up upsetting or stressing them out as well. It just sucks since I feel like I should be doing more than what I’m doing now and I feel like a lazy ignorant dramatic selfish egotistical inconsiderate pessimist.

I haven’t accepted I’m a rapist i know I’m one, what shall i do, please help😭

Im new to this community, never for a single day did i ever think id find myself here, i guess i was too afraid to share what was going on until the theme of my ocd had shifted to something so deeply disturbing i had the worst panic attacks of my life. Im a military veteran and this is by far the most difficult thing i have yet to overcome.

Everything seems soo sad like life was so beautiful as a small child then i turned into a teen saw the horrors of life and got stuck in that black hole ever since, 21 years old and stuck in the hole, i found meditation helps and staying away from drugs and alcohol. They say the brain declines as you age, the thoughts of war and prisons, death, and the way the human brain is so delicate scares me, i know i cant handle drugs and alcohol anymore, ive had enough relapses, oh man you guys should have seen how it took a toll on my mental health i looked like a complete schizophrenic when these things were going on, for whatever reason my brain stopped agreeing with those substances and every time i used i would experience violent images or voices in my head severe paranoia and just put in this disturbing place. COCAINE I don’t plan on going back. I just fear for myself, u know how Jesus had a life of happiness and then one day out of the blue he was beaten till the point of being unrecognizable and tortured on a cross, i feel like that, like the world is stressful and the end point is death, Sure momentarily i can have hope for the time being, ive been sober a long time now, life throws its swings, life punches and kicks, they say even Jesus was put in prison a few times leading up to that, i often wonder why the world is so cruel i mean look around you war in Hamas war in Ukraine, our troops gather and shoot and kill for fun, i overheard a sergeant telling the troops, “you will eat sleep and breath fire” , the fallen nature of man, We kill other animals to feel pleasure upon our tongues, our families grow old and die, Our presidents love to commit mass murder, its a war every day for them, the world leaders control everything and steal our money we earn all so we can dwell on their land, this life is stressful y’all, its the sad reality of life, i work on my mental health and i work for this and that all to have it tooken away from me, man you get sick all a sudden and have the flue or a worse disease like covid, i know a man who used to body build so dedicated to squatting and building his legs, few years pass and he ends up paralyzed from the waste down due to a accident at work, Our years we have are short, we were given life, make the best of it while u can, Go out to eat, go spend time with your family, express your feelings to them, Go shopping, go travel, go do something that makes you happy in a healthy way. Is there anyone who feels like me, If heaven is real i want to be there this world is miserable. Crazy to think dinosaurs dwelled here on this earth before us, Crazy to think we live somewhere in the middle of outer space, you read the letters on the screen and you feel the emotion to it, so many different languages, so divine this creation is, i do have some good times dont get me wrong, i just hate having harm ocd false memory ocd, i just hate the ending of the story, the twists and turns, you know i wish everything could be peaceful for everything that lives on this earth but as i said, its just not, right now as you read thousands of Americans are in solitary confinement in prison, with just their thoughts, no human interaction, then u have some president at the top of the world vacationing while he sends thousands of troops to destroy a city in hopes of solving his problems, I feel no freedom as an american, you can make a mistake at any point in time and then your thrown away into a cell with no books no pens just pissy floors with a bed that smells like piss, just you and your thoughts all alone, looking out that little window, even for small crime. Best to avoid all things that lead to crime now obviously, its just like, i have a family you know and i just seen to many of them die in ways that weren’t the best cancer dementia, car crash, and they leave us behind, one thing that gives me hope is “The story of garabandal “ Or things like nde experiences where people get pronounced dead for 30 minutes to an hour and they say they are floating out side of their body and they could see their body being operated on from above the table and all the sudden a light being comes and takes them to heaven and gives them life reviews and a message to take back to earth idk there is thousands of testimonies like this , some people have these experiences and say they even have seen hell, idk I do believe in God i just feel kind of lost in this world. I seek peace and love, thats all, when will the world ever know what peace and love is, are these things only possible in “heaven “. I cant wait to go. Idk Something created all this mess. I think i just want happiness, just everything i see happening on the day to day rips a black hole in my chest . Anyone feel this way ?

Does anyone else get these feelings that they don’t even trust calling themselves their correct orientation anymore? Like I just feel like I’ve lost myself and deep down I’m not really a lesbian. Even though I was once so sure that I was :(

A few months ago my mom told me that she thought I was autistic when I was younger because I had a few sensory issues- and ever since then ive been going on loops and loops about if I am or not and ive been wanting to ask my mom if I am 😭😭😭 like if she ever got me idk tested for it- should I ask her?? Or is it just a compulsion

I am a Catholic Christian, and something that has been stressing me out today is the topic of the Final Judgement. One of my OCD fears is cheating on my boyfriend and now I’m having crazy thoughts like “what if I cheated on him, and then on judgement day God judges me for it, and then me and him are eternally separated?”. I’m also really afraid to get married (the fear comes and goes) because I am afraid I will let my OCD sabotage it. I’m afraid I’ll let the shame and guilt get to me and I’ll confess to things I did not do. Ugh. Does any of this make sense?

I hate that i have these thoughts.. my suicidal ocd.. I rarely get anxious by the thoughts. And my head says im not scared… But i KEEP seeking reassurance to know its only ocd… then i feel more safe!! I keep seeking this reassurance because im am scared and it is ocd right?

I struggle worse when we leaves for work in office. I’ve been struggling with this for so long and I’ve made no progress. I keep pushing back therapy again (I tried ERP twice) and I got a little better but not much. I’m scared, hopeless and unsure. I do not care if I am bisexual, but I just really want to be with my husband and have kids. I do think women are so beautiful and get turned on by them in porn. Although, I just can’t actually picture myself being sexual with them or in a relationship. My brain gives me this deep feeling I’m just in denial. But when I get out of my head, I realize I love him, his humor, his intellect, his values, and kissing and cuddling him. So why do I have this strong nag I’m gay if I love all those things? I just want to live peacefully😔 we are trying for kids soon and I am getting freaked out. I really want a family with him. He will be the best dad. I had a not so great dad so that’s all I want for my kids. He’s also the BEST to me too. This makes me suicidal when I think of not being with him. On the outside to everyone I look fine, but truly I am not (usually) 😔 again I even accepted I’m bisexual but even that feels so odd at times. Please help or give ideas/insigt.

I'm in a living relationship with a man I plan to marry in the near future. My OCD struggles include obsessing over past scenarios with other men. There are times when I interacted with my boyfriends' friends with whom I felt attracted to, and then walked away feeling like I flirted with them because of how I felt towards them and acted shy or something. There is one particular scenario that is driving me crazy. I went to a party with my boyfriend. His friend who I find attractive was there. During our interactions, I noticed that I was thinking that "I hope he likes me" or "Maybe I'm his type." I didn't say anything flirty, but I can't help but think that I acted flirty because I wanted his attention. I remember coming put of the bathroom and hoping that the friend was still around. This causes me so much guilt. I never had any intention of actually trying to be with this guy. I wanted him to like me and find me attractive. I was drinking, so maybe this played a role in how I acted. I love my boyfriend and am completely satisfied in our relationship. He knows about my OCD and I've confessed lots of uncomfortable stuff to him. He wants to help me. He says the only time I need to confess something is if I did something physical with a guy. However, this haunts me and I feel the need to confess this to him.

Anytime I have a thought or feeling that associate with my obsessions my go to winning saying is “I don’t know maybe” and if I can stick to this, no matter how exhausting it can be, freedom lies right ahead! Freedom in the unknown. Which isn’t really the unknown, I know myself and character but if we argue with our OCD it gets worse. No matter how bad your mind is telling you to figure it out right now, it will ALWAYS tell you that every time. Every distressing thought will come with that feeling f to figure it out. So take control! Take it captive!

I’m seriously considering not bothering to have a relationship. After being single for twenty years at forty one and having a relationship that lasted less than twenty four hours I think why bother. Relationships just hurt. I don’t understand her thinking and why she said she’d been interested from the start. Why lie when you know how vulnerable I am? If anyone wants to complain about anything relationship related do so in the comments.

I did an embarrassing thing that my brain keeps torturing me about. I can’t figure out a good response that doesn’t sound like an excuse or something like “everyone makes mistakes” or “I am only human”

Have doing exposures these few days as I need to go yo the university and I return home totally collapsing and crying, why my mind doesn’t want to release the thoughts?

Writing this bc idk if anyone else experiences this? I have been having OCD intrusive thoughts related to my 2 cats. They are 7 and 11 years old and I am terrified of them passing away one day. I grew up with them but now that I’m 25 and have my own apartment, I took them with me so I’ve been spending a lot more time with them recently and I’ve grown attached to them. I have intrusive thoughts that tell me “what if you didn’t completely lock your door and you get home from work and they’re not in your apartment anymore”. My therapist told me to record myself locking the door as a way to prove to myself that I did it but this doesn’t help me. I also bought an automatic cat feeder with a camera on it so I can check in on them at any time but I try to limit myself because I don’t want to obsess over checking it. I also had to use Drano on my shower drain last night and felt so paranoid that it was going to make my cat sick bc he likes to lay in the shower sometimes. Meanwhile, I ran water like the directions said to so that it would all be washed away. Just curious if anyone else experiences these intrusive thoughts related to their animals. Living alone, just me and my 2 cats, has caused these thoughts to increase. And I really worry for myself for the day that they pass away.

I'm from Spain, struggling speaking a language that is not my native language about things I never talk about. I worked on this with Woebot before, an AI app that is like a therapist, but it stopped working in my region. Lately I have had problems again because of some changes in my life and now I don't know how to recover this time.

I’m Moriah, I just downloaded this app and I’ve been experiencing some pretty intense feelings and I’ve created pretty bad habits. Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a friend and what we were talking about made me realized that when I was young I was touched by a close friend. It became a central thought and I fell into a deep depression because of it. I felt dirty, betrayed, confused, angry, and lost. I had told no one but the friend that I talked to about it. I had anxiety and depression diagnosed before this and was hospitalized at one point for an attempt before I even knew about the sa( around 6 or 7). I didn’t understand myself and who I was. I didn’t know who I wanted to be I was scared and lost. my dad and mom weren’t very helpful around this time because I would refuse the medication my doctor had prescribed. I didn’t know why I did but I hated my therapist and I hated my parents for the extra attention I was getting after the hospital. But at the same time I needed someone to try and help me understand what I was going through. They gave up giving me medication, my doctor never followed up and my therapist never asked for another appointment. Even though I was the one that rejected all of it I felt abandoned and forgot about. I did every now and then when it got bad ask my mom to schedule an appointment with my old therapist and she said she would, but she never did. A couple years go by and I give up. Around this time was when I found out about the sa. and I eventually told my dad. My moms getting me back into therapy and I think I understand myself a little better but I still can’t seem to grasp who I am and what my personality is. Everyone I tell looks at me like I’m genuinely insane. my parents don’t understand I even got bold enough to say something about it. nobody understands and I’m hopeful someone on here does. That someone else went through the same thing I did. And feels similar to how I do. It’s so hard to explain how I feel and this is my last resort. But I feel slow and stupid, that everyone knows something is wrong with my and my friends are only there out of pity. all because of how I think about myself. I started pulling at my hair. And I do when I get anxious or (now) when I focus, also sometimes subconsciously I’ll catch myself doing it. I don’t know how to stop and I need someone that understands.

I've been told before that I have a "victim mentality" due to the OCD. I disagree with that statement and here is why: • I still fight through my anxiety every single day. I fight OCD like my life depends on it. I do things & have learned how to function even though I'm in public or socializing & all I wanna do is go home & scream. But I can't do that. I have to fight to be healthy, as all of us do. • When I have TRULY been panicking or grieving (my dad passed almost 8 years ago, & it's been very hard for me to "get over"), I'm told I'm "living in the past". But...you don't just "get over" a loss like that. You don't. You just learn how to live around it. • I have placed myself in some bad situations because of my lack of self-love/self respect and THAT is my fault. What isn't my fault is how another person treats me. That is on them. Not on me. My responsibility is only how I choose to respond. But, in essence, I have been told numerous times that I have a "victim mentality" and I'm confused as to what people mean when they say that. Yes, I have put MYSELF through the ringer; but what the other person did to me was THEIR action. I didn't cause them to do what they did. • I live in poverty (as most of us do, especially in this economy) & everyone thinks everything is so simple. "Oh, just go trade your car in for something better!" "Oh, just pay off $2k for a government grant to go to college, then you can go!" No. That includes money I don't have. I don't HAVE $2k laying around to go and do whatever with. (I should have listened & saved my money when I turned 18, and that part IS my fault, but I digress). Has anyone else ever experienced shame or guilt related to their OCD & how, sometimes, it's hard to function? Or just be a typical "adult". Because we're not typical. It doesn't make us bad, or bad people, because we aren't. But as I'm growing older I'm finding that more and more often this world & the way it's run just isn't built for people with mental illnesses or OCD.