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working to conquer OCD
Hello y'all ;) When and under what circumstances did your false memory pop up? Did it present as a photo or like a movie tape etc? I am just curious and trying to find a way to distance myself from this image.
Does anyone ever fear that they’re going to be the one that actually acts on their harm OCD urges? I know people with OCD are some of the most compassionate and non violent people but I fear I’m going to just mess up and give in, despite the therapy or the encouraging words. It makes me terrified to feel like I could be beyond help some days
I'm stuck. My compulsions always centered around expelling all anxiety from myself, but now I've found something external that can't be neutralised - completely ego-dystonic centered around the most horrific thing I've encountered in my life and the thought that someone could know I had watched it and thought I was genuinely into it sexually. I always clung to this idea that I could expel enough anxiety that it wasn't bothering me. Wouldn't be perfect, but I could at least get rid of it enough to function well. But this has knocked me down completely: This is a thought that will always cause me anxiety anytime I think it, every social situation, every day at work is a ticking time bomb where I feel I have to avoid it. There's positives. I've learned a lot about my compulsions around perfectionism socially. After the anxiety passes I'm still confident, I'm still funny, it doesn't affect my personality. I know it isn't me. But I can't laugh off the subject matter like I would normally do, and no matter what I do I will always be able to think something that causes me anxiety on this. And when it does, my anxiety slaughters me. It throws me cognitively, if I've eaten anything, I get to taste it twice; that happened yesterday - Thankfully I have a great relationship with my manager and team leader so could convince them to keep it between us and keep working but the moment you feel your stomach go and the saliva starts to come, it's coming up whether you want it or not. The anxiety spike hits me when I wake up in the night, stopping me sleeping. When I'm enjoying myself 'too much, it brings it up to put me in my place. When I go to the gym or out with friends, the fear of the anxiety hits me. It's actually not even the situation anymore, it's the anxiety about the anxiety. But I've watched myself slide backwards from all the incredible progress I've made. I've made mistake after mistake feeding compulsions I never should've done, all the time working towards a different compulsion that I thought would magically fix all this. That's the most insidious thing about OCD. The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. I've never had this before. Never something external that can't be resolved. I can't sleep much. Can't eat a lot. Watching my muscle mass deteriorate. What if it happens on a date? What if it happens in an interview? Why this? Why did my OCD latch on to something this disgusting (That one probably answers itself actually haha). Either this helps me finally realise that not all thoughts are meant to be resolved, reveals more about the OCD and helps me improve. Or it doesn't. Anyone had anything like this? A period of sustained downhill with the OCD that you pulled out of? Something external that you couldn't ever get confirmation of, but helped you in the end? Maybe didn't, but you still soldiered on anyway. Just looking for a little optimism tbh.
I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore, everyone else in my life just knows whether or not they’re a bad person and what they’re attracted to, I’m on medication and whilst that helps with the anxiety I’m never going to feel certain that I’m not a bad person so what’s the point in it anymore - I’ve been suffering for years and I just want it to stop. I genuinely don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for besides the people I love.
Sometimes i worry that i dont really have ocd or any mental illness and that im just tryna victimize myself. Ive been commenting on so many peoples posts since i got this app (today) but im worried that its because of my ego, thinking i know everything or that “im such a good person cus i wanna help people”. Sometimes i convince myself my suffering is deserved. I dont think it is but i wonder if thats just me being self serving. Like everyone has a bad side right?? Why do i suppress mine so bad does that mean im secretly horrible?
i just went through something and really feel like someone needs to hear this and not feel alone. i was going through some sort of panic/anxiety attack where i felt like i wasn’t myself in a way. it completely came out of nowhere and felt like it was based off of nothing. i felt not in control with my obsessions and no matter what i did to distract myself, i felt just off and awful. i was spiraling with my feelings and my thoughts that were adding even more distress. honestly, it felt like it was never going to end. i can only really remember 2 other times within the last year that i’ve felt this way. but i want you to know, IT WILL PASS. i know it feels so shitty in the moment, feeling like absolutely nothing or no one can alleviate the panic, anxiety, thoughts, confusion, emotions, and so on. but i’m finally seeing the other side of it and feeling like myself again. while i never really feel 100% anymore, i see more light than i did in that moment. you are so so so loved and understood by this community. never feel afraid to speak about these difficult times and allow people talk you through it.
i have a very giving but emotionally draining mom. all of my siblings have struggled with her. when she came up to visit me, she had told me that she feels that my current boyfriend “isn’t the one for me.” meanwhile she knows barely anything about my life, my relationship, etc. she fell in love with my dad and that was the only relationship she’s had. she expects my relationship to be like one in a romance novel, when in reality me and my bf both struggle mentally. regardless of that, we still love each other beyond words and are extremely healthy considering the cards we’ve been dealt. ever since she’s shared her unwarranted opinion, i’ve had obsessive thoughts that she has a “motherly instinct” and that me and my bf aren’t meant to be. i’m so young, and if that were to be true, i always like finding things out on my own. i’m happy and content, and i wish she hadn’t said that, because now that consumes my thoughts. she’s a huge ally which helps with my SO-OCD, but after her saying she doesn’t think me and my bf will last, i wonder if she pictures me with the same sex. i don’t want to be with a girl, but what if that’s her instinct. i now worry that when i have SO-OCD triggers, that those girls are the ones my mom can see me with. it’s disturbing and unwanted.
Everything I see I turn it into a sign, I saw a post of someone talking about brain aneurysms, and I took that as God telling me that I’m bout to have one, I can accidentally play a song on Spotify and assume that that’s God way of telling me that my life is going to be just like that song. I could stub my toe and think I’m going to lose that toe in the future. Literally everything I do I turn it into a sign it’s becoming exhausting. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. Not sure if this is ocd let me know if you experience this.
for the last hour, i’ve been feeling off and a little on edge. i’m anxious, but i don’t know what i’m anxious about. i just feel weird and really in my head. it’s using my obsessions to make it worse and i just want it to go away. anyone else ever experience this? i’ve never really had panic attacks but it kind of feels like it would be that because i just have felt really stuck since it started.
How do you improve on Self Esteem when you are disgusted with yourself because of your intrusive thoughts?!?!
tw for mention of SA I've been really thinking back on something that happened to me as a child, and if it was the direct cause of my OCD. I'm not sure if OCD has any direct causes, but I think I know what triggered mine. As a child, at around 5, I was SA and I feel like it's what started it. I started getting my first intrusive thoughts soon after this happened and they mainly related to fears of it happening again or me doing it to other people. It kept progressing until where I am now. I feel really guilty because I don't know if I'd still have OCD today if it never happened. I know I was a child but I wish I could have fought back more and I wish I stopped it before it could happen I just feel so bad about everything and I feel like all my problems right now could have been prevented
Does anyone ever worry that they’re inherently a bad person just waiting to do something horrific?
Does anyone else ever question if/doubt that their feelings are real? I've been doing that near constantly for a long time now, and it causes a LOT of distress (at least I THINK it's distress). Lately when I feel spiritual and read my scriptures, pray, or watch a religious message, or get the urge to, my brain says, "What if you're only doing this out of compulsion, not cuz you really want to?? What if your spiritual feelings are fake?" It hurts a lot to feel that way. Years ago my OCD was causing me to do insane scrupulous rituals, and in the aftermath, my concept of OCD rituals and healthy, spiritually uplifting rituals got crossed. :/ Like, "Is that the Holy Ghost or are you just being mentally ill again?" There are other feelings that my brains doubts, but spiritual ones are the most distressing.
Mentally AND physically. Ever since I got a cut on my nipple last May (because of bad bras and work), I have been obsessed with the idea that I might have breast cancer. I am obsessively doing breast exams and squeezing my skin to feel lumps. The other night, I squeezed so hard that it actually formed a bruise! Thanks to Icy Hot and Tylenol, the bruise is fading quickly, but I'm tired of causing myself pain because of these thoughts. Outside of me doing it to myself, the only pain I feel is from a ridiculously tight bra (I NEED to get a new one...) and the normal wear and tear from having a physically demanding job. I'm just. so tired. I want to exist without obsessively fearing over this. Before this, it was teeth. I have one that sticks out, and I was CONVINCED that it would just fall out. Maybe getting all of this out will help me...
I have had an unhealthy obsession with my private instructor for French horn for about two years. I know that I don’t love him romantically but my thoughts will tell me that no one could ever love someone this much without it being romantic. I have never told him how I feel because that would be super weird and I know he does not like talking about personal stuff with his students. I am pretty sure he has an idea of how I feel but I am scared that he thinks that I have a crush on him. I think the biggest problem with this obsession is that everything he does, whether it is directed towards me or not, whether it is something big or insignificant, it affects my emotional well being even though I do not want it to. I hate that he has so much control over me. If he laughs at a joke that I am not a part of my brain tells me that he hates me and he does not find me funny and never will. If he talks to someone I know he hates then I want to protect him by telling that person to go away or else I will hurt them. If he says something and his tone is even slightly different from usual then I think he hates me and he is just lying to me when he compliments me to make me feel better because he pities me. If he cancels a lesson because of something he can not reschedule I assume he is coming up with an excuse to avoid me because I am a bad person and he does not want to be around someone like me. If I do not see him on a day I expect to see him on then I will totally fall apart and will obsess even more over him until I see him next. This has happened with other platonic relationships in the past, but they have never been this extreme or lasted more than a few months. Soon I will leave to go to college and I am afraid that if I do not get to stay on my schedule of seeing him Tuesdays and Wednesdays then I will attempt like I have before. It is just so draining and I wish I knew why my brain chose him and why I can not stop thinking these things.
My first post here. Background: I’m a 29 year old child therapist with autism, anxiety, & OCD. Finally felt brave enough to navigate dating for the 1st time & within 2 weeks developed ROCD. Was getting to know an amazing guy. He’s been nothing but kind, has autism, & is also a Christian like me. I’ve had the most horrible intrusive thoughts about him. In the past week, I’ve had 2 days where I didn’t sleep for over 24 hours. I experienced paranoia & felt so disconnected. Last night, I had a reoccurring intrusive thought that he’s a narcissist or has antisocial personality disorder. I didn’t sleep and cancelled our date and ended things. Such self-sabotage but I literally couldn’t go because I hadn’t slept all night. I’m so sad because I couldn’t last more than 2.5 months. He’s confused and thankfully he’s open to talking but I’m not sure how to let him now about my ROCD. My fear is that he’ll be understanding (and I know he will be which makes me sad) and my OCD will tell me that he’s doing that to manipulate me or do something bad to me. I want to be his friend SO badly but I’m scared. Is being is friend the exposure? Idk what to do??? Any advice or kind words are appreciated ☹️
Experiencing a theme switch and it completely blindsided me. I feel very alone. This was the one theme I didn’t want. It’s not super awful my harm ocd was much more difficult but this one is way more isolating. I can’t share my thoughts 😭😭 any encouragement would help. Thank you..
Anyone else get so deep into the OCD cycle that they can barely disprove the thoughts anymore? Compulsions don’t even help me anymore. I have no relief. I have been thinking about taking my life every day and have no will to live anymore. I can’t see my future, have no idea what life is anymore. I look in the mirror and have a panic attack because I feel like I don’t know the person looking back at me.
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OCD doesn't have to
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