Kickstart your recovery journey with a caring community of others
working to conquer OCD
I'm sitting in a hospital right now having what they think is an OCD episode...worst I've ever had and I'm terrified. Like I hate hospitals and tests and waiting because that starts the worry cycle all over.
So I made a post earlier today regarding POCD specifically about people in their mid/late teens (See attached picture of earlier post before continuing reading). I ended up confessing this to my girlfriend as usual. This isn’t the first time I’ve confessed fears/thoughts about some teenagers being attractive to her. I’m showed her the picture that I was worrying about, and she said that she thought the actress in the picture was good looking/hot as well. She has said similar things when I’ve showed her other pictures that I’m worried about being attracted to, and I know she’s just trying to comfort me but it’s worrying at the same time. I’m afraid that we’re both ephebophiles or something :( When I talked about how I feel disgusting and creepy for thinking these things sometimes, she said “Well I’ve thought the same things. Do you think I’m creepy or a pedophile?”. She is of the belief that even if I do find these girls attractive, that isn’t necessarily wrong because it’s not like I would ever try to communicate with them or date somebody that young. She also believes that a lot of the people I’ve had these worries about look older than their ages due to makeup/style (I tend to show her the pictures that trigger me, which I know is bad). I’m worried that this is an excuse. I don’t want my POCD to latch onto her and make me fear that she’s an ephebophile. I love her more than anything and I’m sick with worry and questioning both of our morals. I feel like it would hurt her feelings if she knew that I was having these fears about her (and my own) character. And now I’m going back and recalling every related event, every time I ever watched p*rn in the “teen” category, every time my girlfriend has comforted me over these thoughts, etc. I’m really not doing ok today. I’m leaving for a concert in like 15 minutes and idk how I’m going to stay present with all of this fear and doubt. I feel so alone, and like an absolute monster. I’m sorry for venting so much, I just don’t know where else to turn. I could really use some support.
it’s gotten to the point where it’s way too hard to pray. i can’t pray. so many bad thoughts at once and it’s too much and i can’t tell which ones are mine bc there’s too much. I can’t read the bible or anything. and then i get thought that makes me feel bad for not praying or reading my bible and it’s awful. ik God is good but these thoughts are scary and not okay and i’m afraid He doesn’t want me anymore and idk what to do. i try to reason with myself but it only does so much. i just can’t deal with it and ive prayed ab my ocd but it hasn’t gone away
Hello everyone, It’s going to be a long shot but I’m in distress. I’ve had different themes since I was a child and my first rocd episode was with my first love was when I was 18 ( I’m now 33) when one of my friends asked me if I truly loved him. I couldn’t stop crying for months, it was the most terrifying experience. ROCD left me for a couple of years, I had somatic OCD, Health OCD and when I was 26 with my ex I experienced the second ROCD episode that was absolutely horrifying. I was driving back home when this thought popped in « do you really love him? » and it was the beginning of hell. One and a half year of 24 hours ruminating. I wasn’t myself anymore, I couldn’t function properly and he left me. I went backpacking in SEA and had fun, met a lot of guys and had also couple of one night stands. In 2018 I decided to settle in Indonesia and I was « ocd » free until I met my ex and we got into a relationship. After 6 months in the relationship and finally knowing learning about ROCD (didn’t know until 2018) I realized what I was suffering from. He cheated on me and left me, but the ROCD was pretty debilitating. In 2023, I met my now husband. We met in 2020. He’s the kindest, loving person I’ve ever met. The day he told me he loved me I freaked out because I was just enjoying the beginning of our relationship. I started SSRI’s (escitalopram) and therapy in 2021 during the pandemic and it helped me. But we had to continue increasing my dose because my OCD is so strong. 2022, we decide to get engaged, I go home for the holidays and I started watching atypical on Netflix. One of the main characters left her boyfriend because she fell in love with a girl and I was like « what if this happens to me » and I started questioning my sexuality and since that day I’m spiraling between ROCD and SOOCD. We got married last May, it was a wonderful wedding I didn’t have any distressing thoughts or any doubts. After the wedding I relapsed and I wondered if I rushed the decision to marry him making me doubt about our whole relationship since ROCD didn’t leave me since the beginning of our relationship. What if I married someone I didn’t love truly ? Why am I not feeling any sexual desire for him ? Am I not supposed to at least desire him a bit ! What if I’be been in denial forever and this is why I always doubted the feelings for my partners in my relationship because I actually don’t like men ? I’ve been scanning my whole life and I’m spiraling it doesn’t stop even on 20mg escitalopram and 50mg of fluvoxamine ! I can’t say I’m unhappy in my marriage but why am I always obsessing about everything ? Why am I feeling something is missing ? If it’s not him it’s going to be about my sexuality : I can’t even look at other girls now without being triggered !!!!!!! I’m so tired, I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life in my head ! When will this end ! I married my best friend, yet I’m still unsure if I really love him it’s just horrible and I feel so guilty ! I’m desperate Thank you for reading 😭
Esto va a ser en español ya que ns mucho de inglés. Tengo toc q yo sepa desde hace unos 2/3 años aunque no sabía q lo tenía y me di cuenta hace bastante poco (3/4 meses) hasta hace un mes o dos, mi toc era muy muy fuerte, llegando a estar hasta 1 o 2 horas seguidas haciendo rituales mentales y físicos y eso no era todo, después de todos esos rituales , tenía q seguir haciendo unos cuantos más, a todas las horas del dia, todos los dias. Hace poco empezé a ver unos vídeos sobre el toc q me ayudaron bastante, q decian q pasara lo q pasara no hiciese compulsiones (pasara lo q pasara) y así fue. Eso lo llevo mucho mejor ya q no hago casi "rituales" excepto el q voy a contar ahora. Mi único problema actual q no sé si considerarlo ritual o no, (sólo tengo este problema) es q por ejemplo, a veces pienso q despues de ducharme o levantarme o comer o lo q sea tengo q mirar el móvil o sino todo lo q hago se contamina (se q no tiene nada de sentido y q es irracional) pero esto me provoca mucha mucha ansiedad. No se cómo gestionar esto ya q si miro el móvil nada mas ducharme es por el toc, pero si lo hago tarde tmbn pienso q es por el toc pq como q estoy tratando de evitar algo. Y si después de ducharme sigo una rutina normal, no se quita de mi cabeza el pensamiento ese de mirar el móvil pa q no se contamine lo q haga 😂😂 La cuestión es q haga lo q haga se puede considerar como una compulsión. Intento llevar eso lo más normal posible pero hasta q no miro el puto móvil no se me quita eso de la cabeza y como ya he dicho antes, no quiero hacerlo lo más rápido posible pq se q es por el toc. Ese es el único "ritual" si se puede llamar así q no se cómo gestionar y la verdad q vivo bastante mejor q antes con todo lo q hacía pero quiero liberarme ya de todo este puto infierno sea como sea. Cualquier comentario para saber como gestionsr esto se agradece. Gracias
Can thoughts or this disorder makes you want to have the intrusive thoughts to happen even when you don't and it becomes a confusing mess? Because I'm dealing with that rn and it's hard to manage.
I’m starting to feel like I need to grieve the idea of being a mom. With this disorder (especially the theme I have) I feel like there’s no way I could move past this; put it behind me and have a happy life with a partner and kids. Even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want to mess up my kids by not being able to be present and don’t feel like I would ever find a person to fall in love with who would put up with this part of me. And I wonder if maybe I’ve made marriage and kids an idol in my life and maybe I just need to lay it down at Gods feet and accept that it may never happen for me. I guess that’s part of accepting uncertainty huh. It’s so hard bc that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of my whole life, but these past few months have shattered my idea of what my life would be like.
when I first started having intrusive thoughts I was very anxious. But the real anxiety that just wouldn’t go away started when I did my research about why I have these intrusive thoughts. I mean it somehow felt good to know that you are not the only one struggling with these thoughts but on the other hand, learning how severe ocd is brought me a lot of panic and stress. Especially when reading about peoples experiences with ocd and them saying, that they struggled with this their whole life. The thing is, I don’t even know if I have ocd or if it’s just the panic that my research caused and therefore caused anxiety that fed my intrusive thoughts. Anyone else experiencing this or know something about this???
I’m so desperate to know who I am and what I’m attracted to, god I’m so desperate to know it’s not me. I can handle the thoughts and images as long as I know it’s not me. It just feels so real
When i play video games, i start to feel so guilty and bad. Because i feel like playing video games will make me a bad person, a rageful, angry person and that will lead me to be the person i hate. I feel like if i play games, it will make me an unfaithful, narcissist, angry, rageful person and it will ruin my future, my academy and it will lead me to do things i don't want. I feel like im becoming someone horrible. Other than that i extremely fear being like my mother. Im truly scared of that. I don't want to be angry, harmful to everyone around me. I don't want to be a narcissistic person who rants about everything for hours, gets angry at the smallest thing, blames people, belittles them. I especially don't want to hurt my partner. Im scared to hurt kids and animals, im scared of anger. When i get angry sometimes, i feel extremely guilty and bad. And i feel like im the most terrible person alive. Other than these, im scared to see my partner, my love for him as an exaggeration, i feel like i won't care about him or say "he is not a big deal, i don't mind not loving, hurting him" etc. Im scared to be like the people who hurts their partner, never cares about their partner, see them as a tool.
Is making a plan how you will tell your partner it’s over a compulsion?
Is there any book recommendation for ocd? It can be more scientific or fictional
I was telling God & Jesus “I would NEVER reject them”! I know I said it right because I made sure over and over again and not even kidding 5 minutes later I started freaking out “what if I said I reject them”! Then I would do it individually to each of them & make sure they know I would NEVER reject them then literally right afterwards doubts started creeping in making me doubt did I say it correctly! I’m still alittle freaked out but I told God & Jesus I know I said I would NEVER reject them but “if” I did say it wrong (which I think it’s OCD making me doubt myself) then I asked God & Jesus to please forgive me & they know what I meant! I guess my fear is what if I said “I rejected them” out loud instead of “I would NEVER reject them” does that make sense?! I’m pretty sure I said NEVER because I said it multiple times to make sure but i guess it’s that “just right” feeling. I just pray that if I did say it wrong God & Jesus forgive me because I would NEVER say that & if I did I pray they forgive me because I can’t live my life without them. Ughhh doesn’t this sound like OCD? I just pray God & Jesus still love me if I said the wrong thing because I can’t even imagine me saying that rejection thought out loud when I know, said and meant I would NEVER reject them! Am I okay? Will God & Jesus still love me and be with me if I accidentally said it wrong?! Has anyone gone through this?! Please any advice.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger recently. She had a pregnancy scare and I immediately stepped in to help her, except I didn’t feel anxious or even really bad for her because I’ve been pregnant before. When I was pregnant she wasn’t there for me during my abortion and honestly nobody was. It’s my fault cuz I said it was fine but I feel like a real friend would have showed up anyways. I found myself helping her and telling her I would help her pay for her abortion if she needed it, but I realize she would never do that for me. It made me feel angry and now I’m having moral OCD about my empathy towards people. Someone called me a narcissist on this sub yesterday and it’s been freaking me out because I always worry that I am one and I have been spiraling ever since.
I have rocd which makes me feel like I’m not attracted to my boyfriend But now I have done something wrong and I’m trying not to self harm because of it I keep seeing this guy at the gym who I had a thing with when me and my boyfriend weren’t together and we’ve been talking loadsss when we see eachother and its very flirty I have told my boyfriend whenever this happens but haven’t told him about it yesterday because he said if it happens again he will break up with me and also he’s going through stuff so really don’t wanna make him upset I hold my hands up and know I shouldn’t keep ACTING on the thoughts because that’s when it’s bad But I just get so scared that I’m not in love with my boyfriend of nearly 4years idk what to do I see a future with him but feel like he deserves much better than me now and that I’ve ruined it and that it’s not real because I’ve been disrespectful And like when I’m with him I’m not thinking about the other guy or anything and like I’m genuinely happy with him but sometimes I get thoughts everytime I say “I love you” that’s like: “no you don’t “ or “you’re lying” “you’re not attracted to him” Don’t know what’s wrong with me just want to love my boyfriend peacefully but I’m the one ruining it like why don’t I have self control
I have rocd which makes me feel like I’m not attracted to my boyfriend But now I have done something wrong and I’m trying not to self harm because of it I keep seeing this guy at the gym who I had a thing with when me and my boyfriend weren’t together and we’ve been talking loadsss when we see eachother and its very flirty I have told my boyfriend whenever this happens but haven’t told him about it yesterday because he said if it happens again he will break up with me and also he’s going through stuff so really don’t wanna make him upset I hold my hands up and know I shouldn’t keep ACTING on the thoughts because that’s when it’s bad But I just get so scared that I’m not in love with my boyfriend of nearly 4years idk what to do I see a future with him but feel like he deserves much better than me now and that I’ve ruined it and that it’s not real because I’ve been disrespectful And like when I’m with him I’m not thinking about the other guy or anything and like I’m genuinely happy with him but sometimes I get thoughts everytime I say “I love you” that’s like: “no you don’t “ or “you’re lying” “you’re not attracted to him” Don’t know what’s wrong with me just want to love my boyfriend peacefully but I’m the one ruining it like why don’t I have self control
How do you guys avoid toxic people? Any advice at all would be much appreciated.
I am interested to know has anyone here decided not to have children because of the risk of severe OCD resulting in a terrible life? How has that experience been for you? I am going through this myself at the moment but of course my OCD makes me doubt every decision I ever make. One minute I want something, the next minute I don’t!
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
