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Had to use toilet roll that I saw as contaminated this morning. All my other rolls were stored in places I now see as contaminated and the one that wasn’t I already saw as contaminated as I couldn’t remember whether it had fallen on the floor and I’m almost sure it was on top of the toilet. All of which are surfaces that my landladies grandchildren have most probably touched. Usually I’d have just not wiped (disgusting I know but this is what ocd does to me unfortunately) but my boyfriend is here and it was a number 2 so I kinda had to. I decided to best course of action would be to use part that’s the edge of the roll to wipe with as in my mind that would be least contaminated from the floor. I did so and then even cleaned myself afterwards with soap and warm water. But before I left the bathroom I started to stress because I realised the middle part is probably less contaminated as the rolls been used by others since it rolled on the floor so the middle part of the sections probably safest as the edge part would have all touched the toilet which was my other contamination fear. I didn’t want to wipe again incase my brain latched on to some reason that part was contaminated after I’d wiped like it just did because then I’d be stuck in the toilet for ages just endlessly wiping and look weird to my boyfriend for being in there for so long so I left. I struggled afterwards with engaging in things because my brain was stuck worrying about it, my only little relief was that I’d washed afterwards so that must have washed the germs away? I also have a suspect uti coming on I think as I constantly feel the need to pee and I felt I needed to pee again not long afterwards so I did and I couldn’t face wiping again so I was like ‘I’ve just peed so surely that’s get rid of any germs?’ it’s so frustrating because when I was younger I’d just wipe and be done with it with no worries of any children contaminating the toilet roll and now ocd has me stressed all the time about it so sometimes I just avoid it which is disgusting and annoys me but is also probably causing the utis as I get them quite a lot!! I don’t know the purpose of this post, I guess I just needed to get out my annoyance and anxiety as I can’t to my boyfriend as I don’t like to and I’ve not got therapy for a month so I just needed to get it out. This is just a dip in my journey, I’ve done so well and dips will keep coming and I’ll get over them like I always do, despite never feeling like I will at the time!

I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)

My last post got flagged sorry if I offended or triggered anybody I'm just feeling really horrible. Sorry again

I've legit ruined my own relationship for myself. I looked at coming out stories and women would say "I started looking at my bf as a friend rather than a lover" and now all I'm thinking to myself is "what if I only look at my bf as a friend???" and I over analyze every situation that we went thru to see if I ever felt that way. And it's ripping me apart ?

I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

Anyone here for SOOCD on NoFap??

How do you use ERP (exposure response prevention) to help “just right” OCD? I’ve never quite understood how to expose myself to anything to help me not do my compulsions since a lot of my feelings are just that it’s not right Like for germ/cleaning OCD they say to touch a trash can or something to expose yourself and not give in to your compulsions, but how would you do something like that with just right ocd?

My trans intrusive obsession has gotten to the point where I look at other people and go “they’re trans.” without reason. Like I’ll be looking at a man for example and be like “he secretly wants to be a woman” and then I’ll push the thought out of my brain and my brain just goes “oh do you already have a gaydar??” HELP

Hey guys. My thing right now is that I’ll think about times when I’ve kissed my boyfriend and in the moment I’ll be very happy, but now the thoughts of just “Why did you do that!” “You shouldn’t have done that!” Keep racing in my head. Like when I’m alone with him I’m fine but then my ROCD steps in and makes it seem like everything I’m doing is wrong.

False Memories? - - - - How many people here have dealt with false memories in some capacity? Mine started very recently and I have new ones often. ( i have had checking OCD nearly my whole life that came and went and varied in severity but recently ramped up and became the worst it’s ever been, then out of nowhere i had a spike and suddenly created false memories) They often start out with a real event in some capacity and then if there’s a gap in my memory (because the initial event I’m remembering happened so long ago) then I begin with the “what if’s” until I can begin to create a false memory in my head. The more I begin to question if the what if’s could’ve truly happened, the more my brain visualizes what those what if’s could’ve looked like, and then I ruminate and ruminate. Looking for any small detail that would help me remember whether or not my suspicions and what if’s could’ve been true. (Most thoughts sway towards the negative end of the scope because I’m so so worried about being a bad pedían) These events that trigger the false memories have happened so long ago (3 years to 10+ years ago) that I will never be able to remember enough details to know forsure what’s true and what isn’t. I wake up in the morning in distress because the anxiety is already there. I often wake up with panic attacks and then I spend the whole day ruminating and then beginning to feel like a terrible person because if these false memories are actually true then I must be a terrible person. I ruminate, do online research, and constantly confess any new things that pop into my head that make me believe I could potentially be the bad person my false memories make me feel like I am. It is the most stressful and debilitating thing I’ve ever experienced and I constantly wish I could go back in time before I ever began creating the false memories because I feel I could’ve lived the rest of my life fairly normally (despite having what felt like mild OCD, anxiety, and depression compared to what I’m dealing with now). I am so hurt by the idea of being the person my false memories could make me be that I constantly think about suicide. I always know I would be too afraid to actually do it and I also can’t bare how it would affect my partner and my family, but whenever I’m not ruminating about false memories or under extreme distress over them, I’m thinking about ways I may kill myself. I feel like I have no control and that I may do it with random objects within the blink of an eye. And all while my brain constantly thinks “what if this isn’t ocd, what if you really did do these bad things and you’re definitely a bad person for it and you can’t live a life being that type of person”. Has anyone else felt anything similar? My false memories are also linked to relationship ocd and pedophile ocd. :(

Hey I’m in a relationship that is so good and strong but I keep having thoughts even when we are together “oh you don’t love him” or “this isn’t really what you want “ “ you feel so much better alone etc” can anyone relate?

I don't understand how I could orgasm to testing myself...more than once. I haven't tested myself via masturbation after that happened because I'm terrified obviously, but how could that happen to me? Does it mean anything? I orgasmed very quickly does that mean it was a stress response? Please help

i dont know exactly what i’m feeling. i know ocd isn’t logical and trying to get to the core of it is hard, but i think what terrifies me is that i (everyone for that matter) have the potential to do horrible things. to stop loving my parents, to hurt my little sister, to hurt myself, and that i’m just resisting the urge to do so. my ocd used to be one theme pocd and incest ocd and for some reason i’ve managed to dismiss the thoughts easier but i’m tired of being in my head all the time, i’m tired of my brain not shutting up. do you guys have any tips to help me?

I feel a lot of shame for ever having watched porn in the past, I have moral scrupulosity OCD, and my thoughts are always like "what if you're a bad person because you watched porn in the past because good moral people dont watch porn?" I havent watched porn in a year and I avoid it like the plague. I know its normal for most people to have experienced porn at some point in their lives. Idk how to get over these thoughts, it feels like noone understands me or my type of intrusive thoughts :(

My hocd revolves around porn. As I've seen same sex porn before, and have been aroused by it, it works as a proof to my hocd. It's it main weapon. It's awful that I get this urge to watch it, it's as if I HAVE to do it, or it won't leave me alone. I feel gross, I'm never mentally turned on, but my body responds to it. I'm terrified that I'm sexually attracted to women, even if I don't want to. I don't want to be with them, I feel awful. As I'm doing in my recent posts, I'll ask you to be mindful of your answer. This is hocd, I hope so, and I'm already triggered enough.

Really struggle to understand why this happened to me in the middle of such a good relationship.

Hi guys, I'm newly diagnosed and my themes change constantly. Most of my compulsions or rituals are mental. I don't really know how to help myself here because I've yet to find a specialist in my city that takes my health insurance. I've done some research online and I understand that I need to do ERP, I'm just not sure how to do that on my own or if I'd be doing it correctly. Anyways, I do want to talk about something that happened to me last night and has now been triggering me all day.. I was at my parents house last night and they have a neighbor directly across from their backyard that comes over and speaks to them sometimes. She's an older woman in her 80s. She lives with her son, his wife and their 15 year old daughter. I've spoke to this woman several times but not the others.. anyways, last night while I was at my parents we had all noticed police, fire trucks and ambulances over at their house. It was a complete mess, so many people. Immediately we all thought something was wrong with the old woman until she came outside with the granddaughter.. she was fine.. then the husband came out and he was freaking out..more paramedics ran inside.. we then realized something was wrong with the wife. An hour went by and everyone left so we thought everything was okay, that was until more cops came. I was standing in my parents kitchen , it was pitch black outside and I realized I had seen two people walking towards the back door. It ended up being the older woman. I walked outside toward her and I asked her if she was ok and if everyone was alright. She looked at me with terror in her eyes and said that Karen, her daughter in law was gone. I gasped and didn't know what to say..I hugged her and as my parents walked outside we all asked what happened and if we could do anything for her. She said they weren't sure what happened. She was sleeping and didn't respond when they tried to wake her. She also said Karen was depressed and last week went and got put on medication. Corners were coming to do autopsy and everything and that she'd tell us when she knew more. By the way she said this, it made me wonder if Karen took all her pills and killed herself. I'm haunted by the entire night, the thought of what if she killed herself and the look on the old lady's face when I went out to talk to her. I'm not even sure if it's ok to talk about this because I'm not sure if I talk about things that I'm obsessing over, if it ends up doing me any good. All I know is that the thought of her possibly killing herself has me very triggered because I've had suicidal thoughts. I've been fighting my brain over if I want to take medicine to help myself with my OCD and now, I know 100% I don't want to touch the stuff. I guess I'm coming here to not ask for reassurance but to ask for help on how to properly do some sort of ERP or whatver the case may be to stop obsessing over this night . I know I can't get rid of the thoughts but how do I properly respond? I can't stop thinking about it. And it triggered me wanting to harm myself and I know I never would but of course the intrusive thoughts of wanting to, scare me to death so I've been obsessing all day long. Please, someone point me in the right direction. I appreciate you for taking time to read all of this.

Does anyone else ever have obsessions about death and the afterlife? This is something I’ve struggled with on and off for years but I can’t seem to make these thoughts go away because my ocd is telling me this is a real fear and there’s no counter thought to act as the compulsion for it because it’s the unknown and that really freaks me out

Anyone with HOCD ever get stuck on a friend and think you are in love with them? Then it might calm down but the thoughts are “you really like them” or something else that makes you think you are in love with them?

Any body here with transgender ocd that evolved from from hocd, and now they are intertwined. Is really amazing how our brains works, my brain went from hocd to harm ocd to pedohile ocd to relationships ocd and now transgender ocd. And the heart of the matter is that I don’t care what it is no more, fuck reassurance and I’m not going to play ocd games anymore, if it says I’m a woman or female, I guess I might be or might not. Honestly, half of the time I’m happy that I’m unsure about my gender andthe anxiety swells up. That way I can let thought be and see the whole picture of thoughts even if they were true. I honestly don’t know if they are true or not but I will live with it and live according to my values. Btw I was triggered while I wrote, I hope I stay triggered ?????.