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the NOCD Community

Hey guys, I’m new here but I’m already loving this supportive app. I have been with my boyfriend who is so sweet and amazing for 4 years now, but about 3 months in I started feeling like I was settling or that something was not right because I did not have the same sparks that I did with previous not so great boyfriends. I would talk with him about my thoughts and feelings and he would talk me down and say spot on things that addressed what I was thinking/feeling without even knowing he was doing so, and things would go back to normal for a while. Every few months I would freak out due to an “inner feeling” and feel disabled in my body and thoughts- heavy anxiety, depression, comparison, nit-picking, constantly googling relationship articles, talking to friends and so on. Every article, friend, and even my therapist at the time would say “maybe he’s just not the one for you and your body is letting you know, or maybe you’re looking for permission to break up with him.” So then I would become obsessive over that thought. Finally, a few months ago I came across the term “ROCD” and it pin pointed all of my thoughts and actions that I’ve been struggling with for 4 years. I didn’t believe it at first, thinking that the ROCD is a new thing for me, but after thinking on past events in my life I figured out that I’ve had always had different forms of OCD, and I actually have experienced ROCD before too. Anyway, all of that to say, today I am experiencing the thoughts again. “Is he attractive enough, or am I attracted to him?” “What if there is someone who could better suit me?” “Could I live with him forever (he’s so great)?” “Sometimes great people in a great relationship just aren’t meant to be. Is that my relationship?” “Am I really in love with him?” Etc... Two weeks ago I literally skipped all of my classes one day because I was googling articles. I’m ashamed of it. Am I alone in this or can someone else relate? Sorry for the super long post! Just wanted to give some background info! Thanks in advance for any help!!!

This shit is RUINING my relationship! I’m so FUCKING done with this. I think I have trans ocd but my past actions are messing with me because a couple of times in the past I said that I was trans. Like without thinking. And I’ve joked about being a boy in the past because I’m not very girly. I’m a tomboy. I’d say I was trans because I somehow thought it was cool or something. Well I’ve never hated being a girl. As a kid I was really girly like REALLY girly. I hate the thought of being trans and right now I’m going through so much anxiety. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot but if I do turn out trans it will ruin everything. I never lay awake thinking about being a boy. I never cried or was sad because I’m a girl. I hate myself for saying these things when I was younger because now I’m so stressed about it. Please help. Am I trans for these things? Because I used to think there might be a possibility or myself being trans because I was kinda tomboyish but I never worried about it. It was just something that crossed my mind. I liked dressing masculine and looking masculine too. I remember when this whole ocd thing hit full on I clearly remember thinking “ohh this is really similar to when I had murder thoughts”. I really hope it’s ocd. Fuck this is ruining EVERYTHING. I hate this so much.

I need insight My husband and I are separated recently I’m only 27 feel like such a failure. 3 years ago I had a massive breakdown and became extremely internalised due to oCD so I forgot to ask him how his day was and things about him. However things got a bit better for me and we planned our wedding. However 6 months after my husband had an affair... I only found this out in January this year. Between marriage and that happening he says he felt so neglected by me that he was almost contemplating suicide. I myself was going through it with OCD and wasn’t very stable either. And he says that’s what lead him to the affair as it was a relief to feel attractive etc. Last September we finally admitted something was wrong between us and went to see a counsellor however I didn’t know about the affair then and s lot of stuff was found out to be my fault in the relationship. According to the counsellor. Then I found out about the affair and it’s been hard to make it work as I feel it spiralled my anxiety more due to lack of trust but also finding out all I had done wrong also. OCD has lost me my marriage. But is it right to compare mental health and an affair?

I hate how I feel and I just know people are looking down on me because of how messed up my case just happens to be...All my life I just wanted to feel genuinely loved by someone and now that's basically impossible.

This thing gets weirder and weirder I swear. I literally woke up, right. And my mind immediately went “What if you don’t have OCD? You’d just be really bi” and I went along pretending that I didn’t know about OCD and I was just experiencing denial. Then I scrolled on twitter and went on my friend’s page and then my mind went “why don’t you like her? There’s nothing wrong with her. I thought you were supposed to have a crush on her” Here’s the worst part in this: I’m now convinced that HOCD is a huge lie that I made up and it’s homophobic for me to suffer from this theme of OCD and label my “attractions” to the same sex as “bouts of anxiety.” Therefore, I’m not only a bad person, but a liar.

How’s HOCD with y’all ?

Out of nowhere my boyfriend of 4 years left me for no reason, over the phone, about 2 hours ago. He just said it wasn't working. I feel so sad that I'm considering checking myself into a mental health facility. It feels like it's all my fault for being distant due to how much I'm struggling with my mental health. I don't know what to do.

When I have a thought that throws me into panic, I always feel so guilty and disappointed with myself. I think how it’s impacting my health, how it’s ruining my chances to have a baby (I have fertility issues) because it’s stress again, and stress is never good. One of my themes is getting some health condition and ironically I feel that every ocd thought makes it more possible. I hope it doesn’t work like this though?

Anyone with HOCD lost their attraction to men yet???? My anxiety is clouding my perception. Dudes/DILFS I used to think were hot asf are now unattractive to me. My anxiety is really clouding my judgement. It caused me to have a panic attack today ?

I feel SO GUILTY for this, but I suffer from OCD myself and I always feel morally obligated to help other OCD sufferers as much as I can so they dont feel alone or isolated but today somebody from a fb support group I am in contacted me with their POCD thoughts and kept asking me for reassurance, I told them it was OCD and nothing else. I told them not to engage in reassurance seeking behaviours etc. But my OCD thoughts became directed at the OCD sufferer and now I cant stop ruminating "what if that person is a bad person, how could I know?" "What if every ocd sufferer you've spoken too could potentially be a bad person?", I know the person contacting me is in therapy for their OCD and clearly struggling with a mental illness. I feel so guilty for having those thoughts, I felt anxious when she described her thoughts to me and I feel bad for having my intrusive thoughts that are directed towards her. Maybe I shouldn't help anyone since I am suffering from OCD myself. :(

Had to use toilet roll that I saw as contaminated this morning. All my other rolls were stored in places I now see as contaminated and the one that wasn’t I already saw as contaminated as I couldn’t remember whether it had fallen on the floor and I’m almost sure it was on top of the toilet. All of which are surfaces that my landladies grandchildren have most probably touched. Usually I’d have just not wiped (disgusting I know but this is what ocd does to me unfortunately) but my boyfriend is here and it was a number 2 so I kinda had to. I decided to best course of action would be to use part that’s the edge of the roll to wipe with as in my mind that would be least contaminated from the floor. I did so and then even cleaned myself afterwards with soap and warm water. But before I left the bathroom I started to stress because I realised the middle part is probably less contaminated as the rolls been used by others since it rolled on the floor so the middle part of the sections probably safest as the edge part would have all touched the toilet which was my other contamination fear. I didn’t want to wipe again incase my brain latched on to some reason that part was contaminated after I’d wiped like it just did because then I’d be stuck in the toilet for ages just endlessly wiping and look weird to my boyfriend for being in there for so long so I left. I struggled afterwards with engaging in things because my brain was stuck worrying about it, my only little relief was that I’d washed afterwards so that must have washed the germs away? I also have a suspect uti coming on I think as I constantly feel the need to pee and I felt I needed to pee again not long afterwards so I did and I couldn’t face wiping again so I was like ‘I’ve just peed so surely that’s get rid of any germs?’ it’s so frustrating because when I was younger I’d just wipe and be done with it with no worries of any children contaminating the toilet roll and now ocd has me stressed all the time about it so sometimes I just avoid it which is disgusting and annoys me but is also probably causing the utis as I get them quite a lot!! I don’t know the purpose of this post, I guess I just needed to get out my annoyance and anxiety as I can’t to my boyfriend as I don’t like to and I’ve not got therapy for a month so I just needed to get it out. This is just a dip in my journey, I’ve done so well and dips will keep coming and I’ll get over them like I always do, despite never feeling like I will at the time!

I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)

My last post got flagged sorry if I offended or triggered anybody I'm just feeling really horrible. Sorry again

I've legit ruined my own relationship for myself. I looked at coming out stories and women would say "I started looking at my bf as a friend rather than a lover" and now all I'm thinking to myself is "what if I only look at my bf as a friend???" and I over analyze every situation that we went thru to see if I ever felt that way. And it's ripping me apart ?

I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

Anyone here for SOOCD on NoFap??

How do you use ERP (exposure response prevention) to help “just right” OCD? I’ve never quite understood how to expose myself to anything to help me not do my compulsions since a lot of my feelings are just that it’s not right Like for germ/cleaning OCD they say to touch a trash can or something to expose yourself and not give in to your compulsions, but how would you do something like that with just right ocd?

My trans intrusive obsession has gotten to the point where I look at other people and go “they’re trans.” without reason. Like I’ll be looking at a man for example and be like “he secretly wants to be a woman” and then I’ll push the thought out of my brain and my brain just goes “oh do you already have a gaydar??” HELP

Hey guys. My thing right now is that I’ll think about times when I’ve kissed my boyfriend and in the moment I’ll be very happy, but now the thoughts of just “Why did you do that!” “You shouldn’t have done that!” Keep racing in my head. Like when I’m alone with him I’m fine but then my ROCD steps in and makes it seem like everything I’m doing is wrong.

False Memories? - - - - How many people here have dealt with false memories in some capacity? Mine started very recently and I have new ones often. ( i have had checking OCD nearly my whole life that came and went and varied in severity but recently ramped up and became the worst it’s ever been, then out of nowhere i had a spike and suddenly created false memories) They often start out with a real event in some capacity and then if there’s a gap in my memory (because the initial event I’m remembering happened so long ago) then I begin with the “what if’s” until I can begin to create a false memory in my head. The more I begin to question if the what if’s could’ve truly happened, the more my brain visualizes what those what if’s could’ve looked like, and then I ruminate and ruminate. Looking for any small detail that would help me remember whether or not my suspicions and what if’s could’ve been true. (Most thoughts sway towards the negative end of the scope because I’m so so worried about being a bad pedían) These events that trigger the false memories have happened so long ago (3 years to 10+ years ago) that I will never be able to remember enough details to know forsure what’s true and what isn’t. I wake up in the morning in distress because the anxiety is already there. I often wake up with panic attacks and then I spend the whole day ruminating and then beginning to feel like a terrible person because if these false memories are actually true then I must be a terrible person. I ruminate, do online research, and constantly confess any new things that pop into my head that make me believe I could potentially be the bad person my false memories make me feel like I am. It is the most stressful and debilitating thing I’ve ever experienced and I constantly wish I could go back in time before I ever began creating the false memories because I feel I could’ve lived the rest of my life fairly normally (despite having what felt like mild OCD, anxiety, and depression compared to what I’m dealing with now). I am so hurt by the idea of being the person my false memories could make me be that I constantly think about suicide. I always know I would be too afraid to actually do it and I also can’t bare how it would affect my partner and my family, but whenever I’m not ruminating about false memories or under extreme distress over them, I’m thinking about ways I may kill myself. I feel like I have no control and that I may do it with random objects within the blink of an eye. And all while my brain constantly thinks “what if this isn’t ocd, what if you really did do these bad things and you’re definitely a bad person for it and you can’t live a life being that type of person”. Has anyone else felt anything similar? My false memories are also linked to relationship ocd and pedophile ocd. :(