Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I just need to vent. I feel hopeless. When i think about guys i feel anxiety. That’s why im scared that I’m actually experiencing comphet. I dont feel anything for guys. But i also do not want to do anything with girls. But i do get thoughts that im gay. It feels real. It makes me so sad that i feel like this. It feels like i should accept my true identity. I cant anymore. Why does it feel like i know im gay and i just have to come out and admit that I’m gay? 😔 i think no one feels like this. I want to cry. I feel empty.

Has anyone done erp therapy for their suicidal ocd? The first theme I ever got was suicidal intrusive thoughts that terrified me to the point where I was on the floor throwing up and shaking. My fear was getting depressed because I always thought depression leads to suicide. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression about a month or 2 ago and this just raised my anxiety & ocd tremendously. Therefore I mm not scared of my intrusive thoughts but they do give me this stomach dropping feeling so I do react a little but no how I used to. Every time I get suicidal intrusive thoughts it makes me feel like I’m actually thinking about it and it worries me that I’m not even scared anymore. Has this been an issue for anyone??

I hate myself. It's on a constant loop. I hate everything about myself. I can't stand my face sometimes or how people perceive my body. I hate my personality. I hate my flaws and I just feel like a bad person. I don't know how else to put it. I'm 5 months clean from S/H but I think about it constantly. Sometimes it's just for no reason it's just because I need to release something and I have no other way but I know I can't do it. I wish I didn't affect people the way I do. I wish I did more. I wish I helped more and people liked me more. I wish I wasn't the weird kid that doesn't even fit in with the "different" kids. I know it's ungrateful. I know I am. I am so thankful for everything in my life but I wish I wasnt myself sometimes. People die everyday and I'm unthankful for my life. Everyday I can't do anything without thinking about how much I just hate myself. I hate my inner voice. I don't know if this is disrespectful but sometimes I wonder why God would give my life to me instead of someone who would actually deserve it. Someone who wouldn't think everyday they're just a disgusting horrible human being and can actually enjoy things. everything I do I look back and hate myself for it and thanks exhausting. Maybe I deserve that. But I know there's someone right now suffering or dead that would take my life over theirs and day. And I feel so guilty about that. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to fix it but anytime I mess up I feel like I go back 20 steps. It feels like a loop.

I get that you can’t fight the thoughts, otherwise they get way worse. No use arguing that, it’s OCD-101. lol. But agreeing with them can be damaging right? Especially with POCD and SO-OCD. I’ve accepted that I’ve had these thoughts and have stopped trying to fight them mostly, but I refuse to accept that the thoughts say anything about me. Is that the correct way of dealing with it? Agreeing with them seems like it truly would damage me and hurt my self-confidence.

Has. OCD and anxiety ever made you have to cancel an important family trip? I just had to make the decision to pull out but feel so guilty and wish I could just shake it off and plan to get on the plane... but OCD doesn't work like that... the more I thought about it the more afraid I was getting.

I have partner focused rocd and I have been with my bf for over a year now and we have engaged in sexual stuff obviously, my ocd has randomly latched onto consent?? Like there has been times where my bf asked to do something sexual and I’ve just made “unsure noises” and he has said “please” a couple of times and I did the sexual thing. I was fine throughout the sexual acts and wasn’t really uncomfortable but my ocd is trying to convince me I was uncomfortable. My boyfriend and I have autism and sometimes struggle understanding things and need straight forward/clear answers. My boyfriend said a few times he’s said “please” or asked me to do something else after I didn’t say yes is because he wasn’t sure what I was giving off wether I was not wanting to do it or if I was just thinking. The times he’s said please he took it as me thinking. I do see why he would be unsure as sometimes I don’t give a straight forward yes or no sometimes because I am awkward. I asked him if I need to be clearer with saying no because I am a bit of a people pleaser and he said yes and it’s completely okay if I say no and he will be fine if I ever say no and I can make it clear and I don’t sound “mean”. A lot of the time I have low motivation because of ADHD and I might be unsure/can’t be arsed to do it but then he does something and I enjoy it and want to do more because it gave me motivation. My ocd still tries to convince me it’s bad??? Also my boyfriend sometimes does playful silly stuff like smack my behind when I’m infront of him and I do it back and it’s funny but sometimes my ocd is like “omg he didn’t ask that’s really bad!” My boyfriend has said if he does something I don’t want him to do in that moment I can just say no. My ocd constantly tries to make him a bad person. Can Anyone relate/help?

not really a tw but this mentions a lot of sexual stuff so i woke up in the middle of the night last night and had a weird thought or dream abt sex. not even sure if it was me with another person or two different people. and i’m not sure if i dreamt it or just imagined it when i was falling asleep. however i do remember not feeling worried like i usually do when i have those thoughts/dreams. and now it’s the next day and i don’t really feeling anxious abt it. i have being doing a ton of erp recently and i think it’s been working?? bc this morning and yesterday morning i’ve woken up feeling completely fine. usually intrusive thoughts immediately flood my mind as soon as i wake up. anyways back to what happened: now that im awake i still don’t really feel anxious abt it which makes me feel like i should feel guilt bc does that mean i cheated on my bf? like i said im pretty sure it consisted of two different people and i wasn’t involved at all in the thought/dream but i remember vividly telling myself to stop thinking about it but continuing to think/dream about it. that’s what really made me feel guilty. however now that im awake, when i think abt sex the only person that comes to my mind is my bf and nobody else. idk if im explaining that good. i just feel like i should be guilty for something bc maybe that is considered cheating and if im not guilty then it means i wanted to do it. i don’t ever want to cheat on my bf. he is genuinely the only person i ever want to be with intimately and thinking abt other ppl doing that makes me question if i enjoy it. (basically watching p0rn). i know in reality i do not enjoy it. but maybe it’s a natural reaction to getting those sort of visuals in ur mind??? idk

Currently really struggling with horrible Harm OCD thoughts, images, and I guess…urges? Like it *feels* like my body actually WANTS me to do the horrible things I’m seeing in my head or that it would be a relief to??? This is where I’m getting stuck on “this is not OCD” because of the absolutely awful content, and the actual urges I feel in my body. It feels like it wants and would be okay with doing things to my loved ones that I would never in 1000 years actually think was okay. It’s scaring the hell out of me. I feel like it’s real and I actually would/will do these things. I get this feeling in my chest, head and arms…what IS this? Does anyone else get it? Does anyone ever act on it? Please help. I feel like it would almost be a relief to do them and it’s making me want to commit myself to an institution.

I need help really badly. I’m very deep into an ROCD spiral, I haven’t slept all night and it’s 4 30 in the morning. I really really don’t think I love my boyfriend of 11 months. I want to so badly I’ve never felt like this before. I’m only 15 but he’s really the love of my life and I’m losing him because of these thoughts and feelings. I can’t even tell if it’s ROCD or just how I feel. I want it to stop so so badly. I just want to love him again. I don’t feel ready to give up yet but I feel like I do but I don’t want to want that. How can I get the thoughts to stop and how do I live him again. I don’t want anyone else to be with him ever but I want him to be happy . He didn’t do anything wrong and he loves me so so so much and I feel so guilty. I’m not able to see him for a week because he’s spending some time with a friend who he hasn’t seen in years but I only feel better when I’m with him. I’m so terrified. Id rather die than not love him. I can think of our general relationship and it was so so perfect before the thoughts and it brings me comfort to know I still have that relationship, but when I think of him as a person I really don’t think I love him. It’s always the one same thought to that I don’t love him, occasionally I’m worried that we’re going to break up. I can’t tell if I miss him, I don’t think I do but I want to. None of the hospitals or councillors or helplines are calling back. How do I love him again please help me. I’m scared it’s not ROCD and I just don’t love him but I’ve lived him since we were 11 and I’m autistic and I don’t like change so maybe I’m just worried how things will change. I’m so severely depressed and I need him. I need it to stip and I need to love him again. I need help please help me love him again

I’m extremely sad right now. I’m going through some life altering events and I’m really scared, heartbroken, and angry. I don’t use social media so I’m putting it here. I hope that’s ok. I can’t really talk to my usual people about all of it because they’re going through some of the same stuff and I don’t want to overwhelm them by piling on with the other stuff I’m experiencing too. My mom is 51 years old and she has stage 4 cervical cancer. It has progressed significantly over the past few months. I’m really really scared. I’m scared to face the reality of it and I’m scared for my dad if she doesn’t make it. He loves her more than anything in this world. She’s everything to him. She’s been the most supportive person in my life. I’m not ready to lose my momma. I’m losing my marriage. My high school sweetheart. Time, life stress, our traumas, selfishness, etc. have pulled us so far apart that I don’t think it can be repaired. My heart aches and I just wish I could love her and make her love me like we used to. When no one believed we would make it. But we knew we could do it anyway. I hurt so badly. I just want to feel hope again in my life. I want to go to sleep for a million years, and then wake up and have love and time and all my beautiful things again. I’m so sorry for everything.

I’ve had” POCD” for quite some time now, but I’ve had OCD since I was young maybe around 12, 13 years old when I first got diagnosed with POCD I was 17 because that’s when it started and it was very distressing. I would constantly search up symptoms and signs I would constantly think about if I ever did something in my past that I didn’t notice was a sign of being a P, I would also go so far as to not talking to my younger siblings, and staying away from places that had children. I had a constant fear that I would not be able to control myself and I would hurt a child but now that I’m 20 it’s still has not gone away it’s not as bad as it used to be but I get flareups when I’m stressed or I’m all of the alone for a huge amount of time. Or I overwork myself. Now my feelings are different. I don’t respond to the POCD the same as I used to. I will hide my feelings for six months maybe three months at a time and burst out into tears of how stressed I am and then I have to confess everything I did that I felt was wrong and I’ve always done this, but I’m starting to think I don’t have POCD and I’m just in denial. I still can’t except it and I’m always confused and searching up things in hopes that if I am I just accept it so I’m worried that I am a p and I’m just not excepting it I have one more thing to say I read this article when I think I was about 18 and this man talked about how p can be in denial have intrusive thoughts, and feel shame and guilt, and still be a p and every time I still think about it.

We keep arguing over small things that involve mistakes I make. Such as being forgetful, “unorganized”, or being not being punctual . My partner knows I have mild symptoms of OCD, anxiety, PTSD ,and depression. However, it’s not in the front of their mind at all times. I feel like they don’t truly understand it and how it can affect our relationship. I know I did nothing wrong standing up for myself but I am beginning to think that we may not be compatible. I love my partner and I know all couples argue. But once we have these arguments I feel this anger inside and start to think “ they don’t love me anymore “ , “ they never loved me “, “ have they always been this heartless?” “ should I leave this person regardless of the pros in this relationship?”. When we argue I find more distance created between us and I fall into old patterns. Such as cleaning more, solitude, increased symptoms of OCD, increased anxiety… then I think “ It’s their fault I’m like this right now” “ am I missing something that I did wrong?” “ will this finally ruin our relationship “ “ It’s going to be like this forever” “ am I k. An abusive relationship and I don’t know?” “ Did I ever love them?” “ and I just repeat and revisit the thoughts frequently. I’m just so angry right now because the words they use hurt me so much because it causes a ripple affect in my mind. “ what were you thinking?” Translates in my head to “ you’re incompetent, why can’t you do things right, you can’t do ANYTHiNg right “. And their silence turns to an endless flow of discouraging thoughts about our relationship and me playing our sceneries in my head of what a “ Perfect” relationship should be and how I’m far from it. I know there’s no such thing as perfect relationships, but I do know there should be mutual respect and communication. There should be a reason we’re together than just looks or convenience. I’m tired of arguing over small things. I am only human and can only keep up with so much. “ Is this going to be the Last straw and we’re just done?” Why do they have to always say things they don’t mean? It just has been happening more often and I’m starting to not care anymore about “ Us”

I need to talk to someone, I basically believe that almost all I have experience to this point with my HOCD until now it was just OCD tricks and bullshit, but I have this one memory that it's killing me cause it happened before the HOCD, and it's me having a feeling like I could actually crush on a dude, I just had it for one moment one night, I'm not sure why, but I did had it, and this was before I had HOCD, I'm also pretty sure it's not a false memory and I don't know what to do

hey all! for those with rocd in remission, wondering if you feel calm and relaxed and confident in your relationships but there are still some instances where yoire flooded with thoughts. i’m still getting over leading with fear and switching my thought process and it’s working, but i still get moments where i feel nervous bc i love her so much i don’t want to loose her or mess this up bc of my ocd thoughts ive had or have. i’m wondering if anyone gets the same where they have pockets of thoughts almost? Thnx🫶🏼🫶🏼

I'm having a hard day with my OCD, which is weird because I was doing alright this morning. a new theme hit me. I realized I have my mom's habit of reacting with annoyance when asked for or about things. My brother asked me to stay in the kitchen with him while he made food (I have to watch him use the stove so he doesn't hurt himself and I usually babysit since my parents work). I got annoyed and told him fine and just to give me a second because I was laying down and I was really tired. I feel bad, I tend to do this sometimes. I don't even mean it, it just happens, especially because of my mental health making me exhausted and anxious all the time. I don't know what effect this could have on my brothers and I don't want them to grow up traumatized or something because of me. Especially because I think my mom doing it to me growing up might be why I'm so afraid to tell her things without feeling like a burden. I'm hating myself hard today. I feel like I deserve the bad mental health I have and that my brothers will grow up hating me. I'm struggling to focus on anything else.

Religion : I am scared that I’m not doing enough God but I also feel like I don’t have the capacity at the moment to provide and be a better Christian worried. I am worried to the point that I have stopped consuming certain TV shows I would stop whenever I feel like this is something that is infringing, my Christianity Work : started a new job and my mind is blocking. I can’t remember or retain new information. Sometimes colleagues can pressure you and say you have done this before so you can do it or you overthinking and it doesn’t help feel like tearing the moment and just say shut up, but is a new job, the worse is the person that is training me feel so ashamed to look in her to her eyes and see that she’s trying to deal with something that is bigger than me not understanding it just like I have a wall and I don’t understand why, because normally I understand things i’m fearing my capacity to do things understand when I do training. I’m the one thinking more taking more notes making sure that I can read everything and when it’s time to put things into practice i am blocked even with the text in front of me feel like I’m distracted but don’t where I am at, but I’m forcing my brain to focus, and during hours and hours get earworms which I’ve never got worried about but the ridiculously horrible now. Feel like crying all the time when things don’t go right if I don’t understand if I’m able to proceed actually unable to proceed more tasks actually reinforce and help me are not working because deep down I know that true as many tasks that they want and I’m still blocked and never had learning difficulties before, but now It’s just horrible. I forget things easily. Friends: I i’m worried that my friends think that I am mad. I have started to explain some things that happened to my head and it’s horrible because sometimes they may listen but it just feels like they don’t want to say a lot. To not hurt my feelings or call me crazy and sometimes they make comments but it just feels like they don’t understand the subject if they do the way they pushing is not helping but I’m still appreciative about how they are listening to me but I feel like a heavyweight and I don’t think it’s their responsibility which is very sad. Don’t really know I can’t see what is affecting my relationship, but I don’t want to be selfish and I’m concerned that I’m making everything all about me. I want to hear them as well. Changes : i’ve always been to be very organised but I’m getting to the point where it’s becoming extreme so normally I organise my jackets by colour and because it’s a rack there is also space for shoes and I also tried to organise by function colour and weather normally I’ll always do that but now I’m observing certain things that I don’t find normal specially that is actually affecting my daily life is extreme need of having everything always correct 100% it’s a problem obviously my products cause it takes. I organise them by function and size the same thing for my wardrobe. I’ve always done this. I organise it by function column is extremely organised. Keys are always in the same place basically that you always try to put everything is in the same place, but now I’m becoming worse when it comes to hygiene I have this constant obsession of cleaning and making sure that everything is perfect. The perfect is actually, overwhelming if I don’t do it I’m worried that I’m not enough I’m getting discussed for example if I see something that it’s not clean enough and if I don’t clean up, I don’t want to touch it. I’m always disinfecting my hands removing my shoes when I get home if I don’t remember I don’t like it but doesn’t bother me too much to be honest for some reason I have this urge to have perfect habits I’ve always had the same rituals. I would say every day I wake up I tried to do things in the same order, sit on the same side each time that I have to eat the same products and I wondered if there is not everything repetitive and when it’s not black-and-white I would say frustrates me before I was able to deal with things that I couldn’t control even though they would bother me now I just block when I leave the house. I checked my door probably five times or even minimum three times I would say I have constant songs or my brain is creating melodies and if I don’t record it I’m going mad sometimes I have the urge to write them write it I’m going mad, if I lose the melody that my brain just created, I will probably besad too. I have probably over 100 recordings that my brain created on my telephone. It’s now affecting me and my main concern is end up unemployed because I don’t wanna stop working but if I don’t have the capacity to even remember little information, how am I supposed to work? Like this is just a brief it’s probably remember that I’m unable to remember. Gets repetitive behaviours wanna and can’t stop.

hello friends! i hope everyone is doing well and making progress in their OCD recovery journey. for the last few months, i have found my themes and subtypes switching nearly by the week. yesterday, i had a HUGE trigger that sent me into a spiral. i’m currently in an argument with a friend over a silly mistake i made. we were taking yesterday and i took full accountability (confessing) that i did something i should not have done. after the person shared they still felt uneasy about the situation, i had the thought “what if my friend takes their life because of this? what if they take their life and i’m responsible? what if they take their life because of my mistake?” it’s almost like my brain has told me it’s going to happen or will happen. has anyone experienced this intrusive thought before? i would assume this is a suicide theme or responsibility themed OCD thought. any feedback is much appreciated! thanks everyone!

Back in January 2023, a guy 2 years younger ( gap was 14 and 16) started to like me and I ended up getting attached to him. There was some flirting. If I remember correctly the MOST I sent was pictures of my thighs. He also asked if he could use my pics that I had posted on social media to do “stuff” to so I just said yes. I never asked for any pictures from him. People on the internet really scare me and say that 2 years is grooming and really weird and it scares me so much that I’m a bad person even though I regret it and wouldn’t do it again. I have quite a big platform on social media and get 20k-100k views quite often. Seeing popular people being cancelled is triggering. My OCD makes me feel like I need to post a video “confessing” what I’ve done and that I’m a bad person and I’m problematic and deserve to be cancelled…. Even though it was over a year ago and I regret it. Did I do anything wrong? My ocd tells me I’m a horrible groomer :( please help

A week or so ago and I never expected to be doing it during comprehensive DBT but here we are... It's a good thing my therapist has literally been through the OCD/ERP ringer herself. Anyway, I did my first exposure yesterday and I didn't expect the meta-obsessions to come up so rapidly but they did, and in a cursedly-large number, as did all the other mental compulsions, and then perfectionism about "Am I even doing this right?! Am I doing it 'well enough'? Will it even work? What if I'm wasting my time and I don't even have OCD?!" The thoughts were racing at many points and I was overwhelmed; I looked up ways to ruin mental compulsions and while on Google I realized I was forgetting that not all my thoughts were rituals, but also obsessions...and then I got distracted for a few minutes reading stuff about ERP before going back to my exposure. And it struck me that at least part of googling stuff was probably a ritual. Lmfao. My perfectionism obsession wanted to strike out those 10-15 min. and pick up from where I left off before, i.e., extend the whole thing to an hour and fifteen minutes, but I denied it that satisfaction... The whole exposure seemed to go really off track from where it started, which was writing something down on my DBT diary card, and my thoughts kept trailing off that whole thing. Is that expected with exposures? It was mostly automatic so I just kept bringing my attention back again and again to what I was doing. I was and continue to be so bewildered by the whole experience lmfao. I expected a bumpy road and curveballs to boot but not quite so numerous :')

This youtuber was accused of making inappropriate sex jokes with a minor, and planning to meet up with him at dreamcon when the minor turned 16... this was all when the youtuber was 20 and the minor was 13... POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including minors, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them about my 18+ HOCD struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way...