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I can't even remember what it's like to wake up and not feel anxious with intrusive thoughts. ? I took those days for granted and I wish I could just reverse time

Can someone give me any tips to calm down? I want to throw up I can't with these false attractions, etc. It feels to real to not be real I want to just stop suffering.

*I NEED HELP!!!!* I'm going to start from the beginning. My first obsessions and compulsions started at around the age of seven and I had different ones on and off all through elementary school although at the time I didn't know it was OCD. When I was in 5th or 6th grade someone close to me was in the process of coming out as gay, during this same time there was a lot of name calling going on at my school mostly between boys. They were calling each other stuff like the f word and "gayfer" and things like that. Despite having crushes on all boys I started to get really scared that I was gay and it turned into an obsession. After that (now I'm starting to get the thought "what it was before") I started feeling like I was actually attracted to this girl in my class and it really freaked me out. It wasn't a crush, but it felt like physical attraction. The fear continued into middle school, I still was attracted to and had crushes on all guys, and didn't have any attraction toward girls, but I was still really scared that I might be gay and not know it. There was this girl who was a lesbian in one of my classes and I had this irrational idea that if I was near her I would turn into a lesbian, which I feel really horrible about now, but I was twelve. I was really scared in the gym locker room because I would get the thought "what if I look at other girl's boobs" . There was no desire to, but I was scared that I was going to, so I kept my head down. Eventually the anxiety started to fade when my focus switched to something else, but I still got intrusive thoughts once in while about the possibility. In eighth grade I started to get obsessed that I was going to get herpes, or already had it and would wash my hands over and over. My attraction to guys continued. In high school I had really horrible anxiety and a lot of "what ifs", but it didn't really stick to one subject. I was still attracted to all dudes, and didn't really give that a second thought at this point. I had a lot of gay close friends and being around them didn't bother me in the slightest. There were some things that stuck around from the gay obsession I had when I was younger though like if I was scrolling on Instagram and a meme profile posted a half naked girl I would get scared of it and scroll past it really fast. After high school I started dating this guy and he said "you know if I tried something with a guy I'd probably turn out to be bisexual", and then the thoughts from elementary and middle school came back. It made me start to question things and I thought looking back I wonder if all of that meant that I was bi. I told my friends about what the guy said and my female friend came out as bi. I decided to say that I might be too keeping the thought of my experience as a child. I wasn't attracted to girls at all as a teenager or adult, but I thought ah that obsession as a kid must have meant something. The dude and I didn't last. I had really strong feelings for him and then I started thinking what if I actually hate him. It felt irrational and real at the same time? The whole time I identified as bi I still wasn't attracted to any girls. I thought about having a crush on my friend and that felt kind of exciting and euphoric for approximately a day, but then I realized that there were no feelings of longing or sexual feelings attached and that I was not interested in a romantic or sexual way. The idea of being bi wasn't scary to me then, but I guess it wasn't for me? A long while later I started dating this really amazing dude, who is my current boyfriend. There were a lot of issues on my end at the beginning of the relationship which I now know were because of ROCD. When we became sexually active I would get really scared because I'd get thoughts like "what if he's using me" or "what if I actually don't like him" even though I knew they weren't true. The anxiety during sex was intense and it made it really hard for me to enjoy it. A few months after our first time having sex (sorry for tmi)the thought hit me again. "What if I'm not enjoying sex because I'm gay". A few days after obsessing on that thought I was scrolling on Instagram and I came across one of those half naked girl pictures. I got really, really anxious and then I told myself that I had to see if I felt anything when I looked at it. I looked at it and I got an arousal like feeling. I freaked the f*** out and from then on for the past few months the obsessing has continued. I came across HOCD on the internet and it seems like that's probably the case, but I'm still super scared that I'm a lesbian. I feel like I'm back to square one because I've started using the curiosity about my friend and my childhood experience as proof that I'm a lesbian. In the beginning of my relationship even though I had rocd I never thought of my friend as a threat! Long after I considered the idea of having feelings for her we all hung out together multiple times (her, my boyfriend and I) and I didn't think of it at all because back then it didn't mean anything to me! I love my boyfriend, I'm happy with him and even if I was a lesbian I'd stay with him, but the thoughts are attacking me. My brain is saying every crush and fantasy about a guy was just me trying not to be gay! I know is not true, but it feels true! Am I in denial or is this HOCD!!??

Lately I have been worrying about my weight... not looking for reassurance but wondering if it is a form of ocd. I’m 136 lbs.

For those with hocd you know those girls and guys who can make lesbian and gay jokes, etc. And not worry about their sexuality at all? I wish I was like that where those things didn't trigger me. The whole entire time Im thinking would I like that? If I kissed a girl would I realize I like it? (this is how Angelina Jolie figured out she was bisexual). I dont want to do any of this with girls but im so scared if I ever were to be around them that I would figure out that I like girls or I will just act out and kiss one.

How can I go to a therapist or counselor without my parents finding out? Because I need something to help me because I can't deal with this anymore. I would just like confirmation that I'm not crazy and I want to see an actual qualified person that can help me.

Ignore this again. yet another record for my own sanity because my brain is a cruel bully and keeps making me doubt I’m safe, and my partner will leave me I’ve never had an std I’ve always tested negative I’ve been tested multiple times for oral vaginal and anal STDs which are all NEGATIVE can’t catch STDs from toilets / urine / objects - only penetrative sex Can’t harbour an std inside a tongue piercing- if it’s negative, it’s negative I am allowed to rule out STDs when I have worrying symptoms (uti, light spotting before period, sore throat etc) because I’ve been tested negative for STDs, and haven’t been with anyone else meaning it’s unnecessary to test for them again as I already have my answer Can’t pass on what I don’t have Nurses have said it’s an anxiety issue not a sexual one Stress can also cause symptoms anywhere in the body and I’ve been super super stressed for nearly 6 months now

Hi there everyone, I’m really struggling with obsessive thoughts over my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything was going so well for the first couple months and one day I started doubting - ever since then I’ve been trying to combat thoughts that our relationship is doomed to fail. I used to love my girlfriend, now I keep getting intrusive anxious thoughts about breaking up with her and scrutinising her appearance. I spent a few years struggling before with HOCD but I’m free of that now, now I feel I’m heading into a spiral of obsession over whether on not this relationship is right. I don’t want my girlfriend to suffer and loose faith in me whilst I act all weird around her. How do I stay present to her and cope through it? Thanks

I’m new to this platform, so I apologize if this isn’t the right way to ask. But, I’m curious if anyone has ever had the compulsion of needing to go to the bathroom? Like every 20-30 minutes during the day?

Let’s get to the chase here . Will I have to live with this crap my life ? Will it ever go away ? And when I’m talking about it going away I’m not talking about remission or where the syntoms get better , no I’m talking about if my life will ever be the same where this crap is no longer there . Sometimes I feel like i can’t even control it.

tw // mental breakdown anyone else have a fear of developing schizophrenia or psychosis and/or a general fear of losing control/having a mental breakdown?

I don’t even think I have hocd at this point. I’ve begun to worry that I’m just genuinely questioning my sexuality. I’ve always liked guys, but I’ve begun to wonder if that’s just because I ASSUMED I did. Plus I get really scared because I’ve always sorta had something about boobs?? Ahhh idk. It makes me wonder if I’m sexually attracted to women though :// And also, I worry about my personality. I’m not extremely confident, and I’m not the kinda girl who can be ‘flirty’ with her friends, because I’ve always feared it’d make me look gay. But any other girl that does it doesn’t seem gay to me. It’s weird. Or like, I feel weird complimenting girls’ boobs and stuff. And I always wonder (and worry) if I’d be the ‘man’ in a lesbian relationship because of this. Not that there is a man and woman in a lesbian relationship. I don’t even know why I think like that. I’m not a girly girl... I’m sorta just a girl! I’m feminine, but I worry I’m not feminine enough. Which is dumb, I know. I just worry that my friends could ever think I have a crush on them or something. I have friends who are bi, but I’d never wonder if they like me, because they sorta just have that ‘dainty’ personality? Ahhh idk!! They’re just girly I guess? It’s so hard to explain :( Honestly though, if I was more feminine and self assured, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was bi. I’d embrace it! Which then makes me worry I’m closeted right now because I fear what people will think. Or I fear my friends will think I like them. Oh god.

I hate that im missing out on the life i wouldve had if i didnt had hocd

Has anyone here recovered without therapy??

I told my boyfriend about some of my intrusive toughts and my ocd and other stuff that I don't know if they are real or not or if i'm thinking straight or if it's my ocd.. He doesn't know if he wants to break up or not and I never felt broken like this ever before. I don't know if i am a bad person or if it is my ocd. All i know is that i feel like shattered glass. I'm surrounded by people yet i feel so alone and empty

Im crazy devil

I had a major breakdown last night in front of my husband and he said that it’s fine but I know it’s frustrating for him bc I deal with relationship ocd. He told me he just wants me to be myself. Which isn’t so easy when u are so confused by all the contradicting thoughts and feelings in my head. I also felt REALLY intense pains in my chest today where my heart is. I’m really afraid that my anxiety will ultimately cause me a heart attack. I’m CONSTANTLY STRESSED and I’m afraid it’s actually killing me.?

I was at the gym today. There’s a gay trainer at the gym. My mind can’t stop imagining me and him in a relationship!! I can’t stop the imagines pops into my head! They’re soo intrusive they make me feel so sad! I don’t want this thoughts!!!! This is not me is not what i fucking want!!! Anyone can relate?

Having POCD is the most damaging thing to ever happen to me. Like even if I get better or even if I get cured, the compulsions will always haunt me. I've always wanted to be a famous person. And my naive ass still has that dream, but if I get famous, I really wanna talk seriously and raise awareness about how extreme OCD can get. The problem is, how do you explain all this shit to people who don't have OCD and also convince them that youre not a genuine freak. How do you explain that "oh some people with POCD willingly think of sexual scenarios to check for arousal" or "Some people with POCD masturbate to their thoughts to see if they can achieve an orgasm and some of them do by pure stress response" and also how am I going to explain that I've seen rare cases of people with POCD who try to find CP in order to see if it arouses them? How am I going to explain this to people without them being like "so where is the fucking line drawn? Just because none of yall have ever hurt a child means that we should trust you?" It's bad enough as is that just because that one dude with OCD comitted a heinous crime and already people are pulling out the "its his mentol ewness that made him do that" shlock but also the fact that I've read that in extreme cases some folks with HOCD test themselves out with same-sex partners. Like to a normal person saying all this shit basically looks like I'm trying to paint a paraphilic disorder as an anxiety disorder problem, but at the same time it is what it fucking is and I still haven't seen anyone with POCD hurt any child. Just because there are some bizarre cases of desperate and extremely anxious possibly teenagers doing dumb shit doesn't mean that POCD isn't or has never been a treatable anxiety problem. I talked about this with a friend and she was like "why would you have to talk about any of that when you can just keep quiet?" Because it makes me feel like a creep in disguise. Yes, compulsions have made me do gross things but at the end of the day it was all self-harm basically. It never had anything to do with doing harm to anyone but myself. Yes people with OCD have the choice to resist compulsions, but if you don't even know whether or not you have OCD and you're not working with a professional, most likely scenario is you're gonna give into a lot of compulsions. People don't choose their compulsions as OCD is highly-individualized and different for everyone. And there's no such thing as a compulsion where you hurt a child to test yourself. That is absolute bullshit. I'm upset, because there was a study by this dickhead that was like "people with HOCD regularly or excessively look at gay porn. If CP was accessible, no doubt that people with POCD would be seeking it out too." ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. Whoever wrote that can fucking choke. I'd rather die than see shit like that. FUCK OFF. These fucking mental health researchers are crazy sometimes like someone tried to test how high pedophiles and other paraphiliacs scored on the Y-BOCS test.....What the fuck was the reason for that? Can you do something more productive? I am upset with how horrible this disorder is and how much nobodys ever gonna get it. I want them to get it, because OCD is treatable and harmless, but people are too busy trying to milk their own perceived moral highground to try and take this seriously. It's bad enough that most of us can't be convinced that our OCD is actually real and is OCD and that we aren't being lied to by our therapists or whatever, but if the more severe cases of OCD get exposed to the general public we're gonna have them reinforcing that to us too. I feel completely hopeless and I honestly wish that the people who would raise their eyebrows at someone who has severe OCD, do something to make fictional CP illegal, instead of being willfully ignorant at already tormented people with a harmless mental disorder. Like I seriously can't even look at erotic fanart of a buff rugged adult fictional character without having the most disturbing shit pop up in the "recommended images" section AND THIS IS GOOGLE IMAGES like this isnt some nasty smut website I got on. If people really cared about the safety of children they would be doing everything BUT making people with POCD feel like menaces to society.

I’ve just had the freakiest moment. My ocd is related to losing myself and last night I was just let in bed and instantly felt like a different person. It’s like someone just went and rewired my brain right there. Since that moment, I haven’t slept all night. It’s like my subconscious doesn’t want me to. Like I’ve tried and pushed the moment out my mind, but my alarm just went for college and I can’t believe I’ve basically been awake all night bc I’m hanging. Idk what to do, I’m so scared. I feel like this is real. I’ve had depersonalization and it doesn’t feel like that - it feels like someone actually just went into me. Anyone had this??