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The worse ocd symptom trigger I had is back. I can't handle it anymore i feel so alone,if it keeps being like this then I rather be dead,I have absolutely no support

Last week I was somewhere and it was really crowded and I’m usually the type of person to ne extremely slow in big crowds because I’m really scared of accidentally touching other people. But I had to follow somebody else and I got really mad at how crowded it was so I was like „f it, I’m making my way through this Crowd even if I bump into somebody else“ and I bumped into the first person and at the second person I was also still really mad and this person was pretty overweight but I still wanted to make my way through the crowd so I just decided to squeeze myself through the gap in between the fat person and somebody else. And as I was doing so, my upper arm touched the persons (woman by the way) b0bs. But I still kept squeezing myself through which took quite some time (or at least felt like it). But during this time, I was suddenly extremely dissociated from reality bc of how warm it was at the time and maybe that’s why it felt longer than it was but I don’t know. Anyway, I low-key felt that my arm was touching the woman’s b0bs but somehow I didn’t stop pushing against that person to get through the crowd. And like I even remember telling myself „you need to let go“ but somehow this just never happened. And I can’t really remember what else I thought. And now I’m scared that I touched that woman on purpose and that I SA‘d her. And I know it was just my upper arm and not like my hand or sth and I wasn’t even looking at her because of how absent I was, I just noticed that it felt like I was touching her b0bs. And right after I had squeezed myself through, I got filled with an insane amount of Panik and got scared that I had just SA‘d somebody. And now I keep trying to remember what exactly I had thought in that moment. And like the thing is that I think I had some intrusive thought while approaching the woman and I was already quite absent at that point and didn’t really respond to the thought and I can’t remember what exactly I thought. Like I keep being scared that I thought of hurting her in that way out of anger but the thing is that I don’t have any interest in doing so and I didn’t look at her and wasn’t aware of touching her yk until I finally noticed that it felt weird. So it rather makes sense to have been that I was yet again planning on bumping against her. Maybe it was also an intrusive thought of doing that to her but I really can’t remember as I didn’t really pay attention to my brain at that moment. But I don’t think I was planning on touching her yk as I said I only noticed it at some point bc of how weird it felt. I think I was rather aiming for her shoulder. And then also while that was happening and I came to realize what I was touching I thought that I needed to let go but I think I also thought „no, I’ll get through here“ and just proceeded to push against her slightly. But yet again I’m scared that I was doing all this on purpose to SA her. Though I really only noticed that she somehow felt too yk kinda soft to have this be her shoulder or sth and that’s when it hit me but I was so caught up in my brain that I just couldn’t let go and just finished my mission of pushing through. But I’m still scared that I did all this on purpose and I keep questioning what exactly I had thought and why I didn’t just stop pushing against her and why I was pushing against her anyway. Like it was only a relatively slight push but it was as if I was somehow leaning against her to get through but the thing is that I also can’t remember the other person and the movement of my toes. And that’s why I’m scared that I just randomly stopped and did that though I remember to have continued moving while that was happening, so why did it take so long? Was the length of that just my perception? And can anybody tell me if this is considered SA? Bc I’m so scared but no matter how often I tell myself that this is sth I’d never do and even am scared of to death, it just won’t stop. Like I only remember that I was extremely mad and aiming to run against others. And like I’m literally not into women I don’t even have any interest in such stuff but I’m scared that I might’ve just SA‘d her out of anger but yet again I just don’t understand anything I’m so confused bc nothing makes sense and it also wouldn’t make sense for me to be surprised to be touching a woman’s yk with my upper arm while also planning to do that like it doesn’t make sense

Has anyone tried daily affirmations for self-compassion? I read that self-compassion is really important in OCD recovery, so I wonder if daily affirmations would be helpful. Of course, there could be a fine line before it crosses into compulsion territory. Any tips?

Do you find it helps or hurts your OCD? I’m coming to realize it worsen my symptoms particularly if I consume it during the day as it also can affect my sleep which is terrible for my OCD.

Is it important to know the cause of your OCD? Is there always a root cause of it? I'm just afraid that I'm not addressing enough of the root cause of it, meaning it will keep coming back.

Do you think my suicidal ocd could change my beliefs? I don’t want to die. Do you think it could change that? I just don’t want ocd to change my beliefs, I think that’s what we all fear.

I can't deal with these thoughts anymore I'm so scared its all the time every day. It's gotten to the point where the anxiety is gone and I keep on getting thoughts that say maybe I will do it. I can't do this it's so fucking scary I don't know if I can handle it until my therapy appointment on Monday

I’m so scared. I don’t even know who to talk to at this point. I started having sexual OCD thoughts recently about people that I don’t want to and I’m terrified. I recently had a psych ward stay (voluntary) for a very stressful life event and now I have this. I’m currently staying with my parents while I go through an outpatient program and they have no idea about the OCD. I live in Ohio. I’m afraid I’ll have to go inpatient again. I’m unemployed and currently am on Medicaid but have a lot of savings from lucky investments. I can’t get a NOCD therapist because I’m on Medicaid and also because I’m in an outpatient program. I’m afraid I’m too far gone and crazy now. I’m just laying in my bedroom at my parents’ house and crying. I don’t know what to do.

I love my son more than anything. Just writing that's making me tear up from guilt of these violent thoughts. Everyday for the last 2 weeks I cry. I don't want to move from my couch. He's 6 and he looks up to me and is always around me and I feel so guilty from these thoughts I want to avoid him but I can't. I feel guilty whenever a happy thought comes up or when I do anything I like. The ocd tells me why r u doing anything you enjoy remember what you were thinking earlier. My brain is constantly ruminating this specific scenario it's conjured up that makes me frozen. As soon as I wake up the thoughts start and never end. its a struggle to get ready for work and even go home or go to the gym all things I love. I haven't hidden knives around my house because I think I'm giving in if I do. I know coming on here is a compulsion but I can't help it today. I'm ready to just runaway but something in me keeps me from leaving the family I love so much. I'll get through this but had to write it out

My mind was screaming at me saying I had a thought that I wish God didn't exist and I went along with it and it felt so freaking God and I was like you know what yeah your right I do and now I'm freaking out and scared that means something about me it doesn't even feel like my freaking out is real and idk what to do

Is horrible when a thought feels so real and the need to do something feels like valid. Because I have to go against it and accept the uncertainty is really scary. I really hope that, with time, it will became more easy

Idk what to do right now I'm really freaking out I really want a relationship with God and Jesus and the holy Spirit, but I'm struggling my ocd and whatever I'm going through is destroying my faith, I really want the holy Spirit to transform me, but everytime I notice the holy Spirit I get resisting and want to push him away idk what to do anymore. I'm starting to become cynical towards faith and I'm really freaking out and idk what to do I don't want to be abandoned by God

My psych just upped my Prozac about a week ago… having some wild side effects. I responded to it really well at a lower dose, so I’m hopeful it will get better! Have any of yall experienced side effects like increased intrusive thoughts, but less emotional responses? General muscle weakness and just feeling bleh? How long did that last for you?

I get strong urges to hurt myself through ed or self harm. I try to let the bad things go but they play like a record in my head all my failures. I just want everything to stop. My boyfriend says its negativety but i feel broken like how i was before when I was hurting myself and want to do bad again.

Hi everyone. I have been struggling with OCD for the last 14 years. It really has been a thorn in my flesh for that time. But by God's grace I have been able to flourish through it and I was even able to help people who struggle with it as wel. For the last 2 years of university I have been coping very well with my anxiety and OCD. However, I have been in a relationship for the last three months and suddenly my OCD has become unbearable once again. I feel totally paralyzed at times. I am constantly troubled by intrusive thoughts like "Do I really love her?", "Do I really find her attractive?", "I sometimes think of my ex, even though I know she was bad for me and my current girlfriend is amazing. Am I a terrible person?", etc. It is really awful. And since I am a devout Christian, it feels even worse, because my OCD also constantly makes me feel unworthy of God's love. The worst of the relationship OCD is that I know with my mind that my girlfriend is wonderful and that I truly do love her. I know this with my mind, but I am still constantly anxious. I constantly feel the urge to just end the relationship, but I know I shouldn't, because that is just my OCD telling me that is the only thing that will bring relief. But if that is the case, how will I ever manage a relationship? She really is the best woman that I have ever known. Can someone maybe reassure me that what I am feeling as an OCD struggler is normal? Can someone maybe please offer some hope? I am already seeing a therapist and I am taking medication, but I still struggle🥺

Hello ! 2024 officially marks the 10th year of me being aware that I have OCD. I wanna hug 14 years old me for staying strong throughout the ups and downs, being in this alone without knowing if it will ever ends. The reason why I wanted to post today is because I’ve been doing ERP over the past couple of years without realizing it at the beginning. I’ve never consulted anyone, because I did not and still don’t feel confident enough to share my thoughts with a specialist. Although I’m still struggling with reading OCD, I’m working on it … Instead of waiting for years waiting for my anime of the moment to finish, I would just read the manga. Not to mention that I take a *5 minute deep thinking break* after reading each page. But it’s part of the processus ! Let’s keep doing ERP guys ! I started it without knowing it was an actual treatment to help decrease OCD (or even that there was an actual name to it). And after a couple research, I forced myself to be consistent with it. If I can do it, you can do it ! Let’s keep shining !

+18 TRIGGER WARNING I’ve been rethinking things from the past and one of those things was a conversation I had with someone on the chatting app yik yak about six months ago. On there, I joined the smut community and started posting stuff on there (story excerpts, writing questions, etc.) and someone dmed me about one of my posts. They asked if we could role-play a situation about a husband and wife. It got pretty graphic, too. We moved off the app and started texting but my anxiety got the better of me and I looked up their number and found their social media. It confirmed the school that they told me they went to, their major, work experience, and even their name. According to their social media, they’re 23 (22 during the time of our conversation) and I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy. Still, I DONT KNOW for certain and I’m scared that I was interacting with someone underaged the entire time. I’ve been going back through screenshots to try to decipher what I can find but it still hangs over my head. (Edit: I did ask for their age when we were texting and I remember that they told me they were 22. But I can’t find any of those texts and I’m scared that my mind is just filling in the blanks. I have had their number blocked and deleted from my phone since March of this year.)

So recently I have been doing ERP for a while now, a few months, and the results have been amazing. When I came back to school though, I got really exhausted towards the end of the week and started doing compulsions again. I ended up patching that up though and I have gotten better and more experienced with doing ERP. But I feel really really really tired trying to keep up with all my intrusive thoughts. I don’t interact with them, I don’t put meaning to them, I do what I was taught to do in therapy, notice them, and then “say alright, I agree with that” or don’t respond at all, and everything’s works out. But lately, I’ve have been feel a little woozy because I’m so out of it and it’s affecting my schoolwork, my home life, and Everything in general. I’m trying to stay motivated, trying to stay strong, but I feel so exhausted resisting compulsions. Btw, OCD affects every single part of my day. I deal with it day in and day out. From the moment I wake up til I go to bed. That’s how bad it is. My main concern is how to keep up. I am doing therapy it’s great, but I’m having trouble again because I’m so damn tired!!! I’m so mentally exhausted. I feel like I need more than just ERP therapy to manage it though. Does anyone have suggestions or advice? Please I really really need it I’m so tired

Hey y’all! I’m new to the app and to the NOCD community. I have been reading other people’s posts on this little forum. It has mostly been comforting to see that I’m not alone. However, I feel like I stepped into another spiral by doing so. I’ve been reading people’s posts with SO-OCD. I’m a lesbian. I have a long-term girlfriend. I feel very confident in my sexuality and in our relationship. BUT, these posts have me doubting everything and my whole identity.I don’t even know why I looked, but I regret it. I suddenly feel so much shame for being a lesbian after reading about other people’s shame with same-sex attraction. I’m also feeling like “what if I’m not actually gay, and I’ve just been giving into SO-OCD”? I’m also feeling overwhelmed with religious guilt even though I walked away from the church years ago. I actually feel sick to my stomach. I’m not here to make light of anyone’s experiences with SO-OCD. I just want to feel normal. Does any of the other queer OCD population struggle with this too?

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.