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working to conquer OCD
Im feeling really depressed and like i dont care about anything, and suddenly ive lost all desire for a relationship or being with anyone. I just dont care about anything right now but its kind of freaking me out.
I’ve had rocd for the last few years , got married a few months ago and I finally felt the last couple of months I had it under check and wasn’t getting as many flare ups. I’ve just found out I’m a few weeks pregnant and my obsessive thoughts have now Sky rocketed. I’ve been crying most days and I’m feeling guilty because I read that anxiety and crying can be harmful to the baby. My obsessive thought is fixated on a stranger I crossed paths with a couple of years ago , I felt attracted to him and it caused my ocd to spiral as I imagined life scenarios living with him etc which made me feel really guilty as I’m in a relationship with my partner. I still have these obsessive thoughts over this person years later it hasn’t gone away and now I’m pregnant I’m feeling extra guilty that I’m worrying if these thoughts mean I’m meant to be with this other person. I know this seems really immature and I need to get a grip with reality but the thoughts seem so real- it’s like I worry about the idea of this person being a ‘soulmate’ due to the obsession over him . I’ve never told my husband about these thoughts because I don’t think he would understand or handle it well, he’s worried about me crying during pregnancy and thinks it’s to do with the baby which is in turn making me more anxious.
Being mentally ill (OCD and depression) cost me all if my friendships, leaving me completely alone. My family is a war zone and not a group of people I can find solace and comfort with. I started a relationship in January 2023, after my long-term relationship ended in 2020, because my then partner couldn't cope with my issues and the limitations they caused. Now my "new" partner is the only person I have left, but our relationship is getting worse and worse. I feel I can't be myself around him, that I constantly need to play a role in his presence. I also can't talk to him about things that matter to me. It always ends in him making a lot of accusations, e.g. that I misunderstood things he said and that I only pick things that feed my narrative. I often feel gaslit. Lately, I started to speak up more, because I just can't take it anymore, which made everything worse. I know I should leave him, but I'm totally scared to be alone again. I was even scared to go to sleep, because that meant I will wake up in a panic, the feeling of loneliness hitting me so hard, that I couldn't bear it. I also barely ate, showered, brushed my teeth, not to mention my flat getting messier and messier. I wish, I didn't need other humans, I really do. I even told me back then therapist, that I want to learn how to live without having close relationships to other people. I know, what I wrote above has nothing to do with OCD, but I needed to get it off my chest and I have no where else to do that.
It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so. I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying. Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now. Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message. This panicked me for a multitude of reasons, on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore. I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them. I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better. However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?
I keep feeling like I don’t want to be here, I can’t go into my local town without a major sense of anxiety or dread, I can’t find a job locally because it scares me, I wake up sad everyday that I’ve opened my eyes. But then I see my puppy laying next to me and I cry because no matter how hard I don’t want to be here he reminds me of the people who love me. But I’m in so much pain inside this head that I can’t even explain. And even though to the average person my thoughts mind seem normal or small to me they are the biggest problem in the world and I can’t control them. No matter what I do, I do something wrong. I tried to be the nice guy the other day sticking up for someone who hurt me but was hurt, turns out he messaged me and told me everything I did was disrespectful, hurtful and the people around me who I was telling to shut up because what they were saying was disrespectful was all my fault. I unblocked my ex (we weren’t officially seeing one another but everyone in our local town knew and we spent a year together) as I was there seeing how sad he was after I found out his gf cheated on him, thinking maybe we could be friends, turns out that was also an issue because I had his who I thought at the time was his ex who cheated on him blocked, but because I unblocked him and not her they seemed to think I want him back. I don’t. I’m seeing someone and moving on. But it’s all my fault. I’m the bad guy once again. I even explained all this to him when he messaged me pissed and nothing I said was good enough, he just said I call bullshit (lies) when it’s all the truth. I never want to be someone who’s disrespectful and I never intended on it. But now I’m sat here thinking what am I meant to do now? I hate my life so much but love the people in it, I hate myself so much but love the people who created me, I hate my life so much but love the world when I see my view outside my window. I hate life but want to love it. And everyday there’s someone there to stop me from enjoying it. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow I’d probably thank the world. Because this ain’t fun anyone, this isn’t a good time. This is hell. And this might be a fleeting feeling, moment or a time I’ll look back on and think wow I was down. But right now, right now I’m consumed. Right now I want this to stop. And even though I’d never do anything because of that lovely dog and family I am so lucky to have, the thoughts are so consuming about everything that I’m stuck on a way out now. What do I do?
My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.
the worst manifestation of my ocd has been intrusive thoughts popping in during sex and triggering an orgasm. idk if it’s because i tense up when these thoughts arise but any intrusive thought i get during sex seems to cause this reaction. the thoughts aren’t even sexual in nature, they are just faces of different people…this causes me so much shame. am i alone in this?
I’m confused when people say accept your thoughts why would I accept the thoughts that are making me feel disgust and filth what if I start accepting them and then the thoughts actually become true?
I feel so upset right now. Can anyone relate? I keep having this delusional-type thoughts that my mom is out to hurt me. We live together and at night when I’m trying to sleep I get the thought that she is going to come in my bedroom and hurt me. My mom is so kind and loving, she’s my best friend. I know OCD attacks what we love, but I can’t let this go. I try to just reply with a “maybe, maybe not,” but then it comes back full force and says “you’re in denial, they’re brainwashing you to think that way, etc.” and it freaks me out and makes me feel so down. Like it says “your life is in danger, don’t dismiss this!” I keep thinking I’m in psychosis. Like if someone asks me if I truly believe these things, I want to automatically rely “I don’t know.” Because the doubt and realness of the thoughts/feelings deal soo real like I’m convinced of these things. I just feel so lost and confused. It makes me feel sick. I confess all of these things to my mom, which I know is just me seeking reassurance. I try to say to myself if I truly believed she was out to hurt me, I probably wouldn’t even be sharing this with her. But then again my mind always has a rebuttal to bring me back into rumination. I want this to be easier. I want my life back. I have been dealing with ocd for years now and this flare up has been the worst yet. Please, I know I’m seeking reassurance, but can anyone relate to any of this?
I have just been feeling weird the past few days. That’s all I know how to describe what I’m feeling. Have also felt anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, and confusion in regards to my OCD. I have posted on here a few times before about all of this, but a quick recap - I have harm thoughts towards my mom. I have had these thoughts before back when my ocd was diagnosed at 15, but had a bad flare up this year (I’m 32) and now they’re back. These thoughts have been going on for awhile, but they have “evolved” as well - thinking my mom abused me and I just don’t remember and thinking she might harm me and my life may be in danger. I know deep down both of these things are not true, but sometimes they feel real and it freaks me out. My mom is so kind and loving, she’s my best friend, but my mind twists her to be this horrible person. So I wonder if I really believe this or not, and sometimes it just feels so real that I do believe it and then I get anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I don’t want to be around her or I feel “scared” around her which I know is probably not actual fear but anxious feelings, so again feeling these things makes me think I believe in them and that these are actual delusions. It hurts to feel this way. For example, I may have a harm thought about her and it will “feel” like I want to act on it. Like the urge type feeling. I tell myself no and just try to let it go, but then my mind will say “she’s going to hurt you if you don’t hurt her” type thoughts and that makes me feel anxious and depressed. Like my mind is trying to present reasons why I should act on my harm thoughts. And sometimes it just feels so real that I’m going to do it. Then I get scared if what I’m experiencing is actually a delusion and not OCD. Like do I really believe my mom is out to hurt me? Like I will act on them cause I think I will be protecting myself?And then sometimes I feel like I don’t even care and just yeah…I constantly just feel on edge and feels like I can’t trust anything. Like I’m going to act cause I’m confused what’s real or just feel tired of having the thoughts. Basically my mind tries to “rationalize” me having these thoughts and that acting on these thoughts would be “reasonable,” because I would be protecting myself from danger…if that makes sense? Does anyone have any advice or can relate? I know I’m asking for reassurance, but I feel alone sometimes with how bizarre my OCD is and I just want to know if more people have thought these same thoughts or felt this way and overcame it. Thank you.
On Sunday, I went to church service and the sermon was about the difference between the natural and supernatural and how God is supernatural. This triggered my obsessions in mental reviewing if I depend on God enough and if my perspective is influenced too much by the natural instead of the supernatural. My pastor explained how from the worlds perspective they rely on knowledge and intellect. For instance, doctor's may say your are at risk of developing a specific condition from all of these factors. He was saying that doctors do not have all the answers and that we shouldn't be reliant on medication to treat illness. He said that it doesn't mean to avoid medication to treat illness, but to not rely on it. He explained how the world is too reliant on procedures to treat illness. I personally believe in God's healing, but I think he gifted doctor's and others in the medical field to treat disease. God has enabled medicine to improve and progress purposefully. He also talked about how God speaks to us through dreams and how we need to heed warnings from him in this medium of communication. This sermon through me to rumination and made me go into tangents. I feel like I am not spiritually minded enough and fear that my dreams mean something deeper. I fear God's punishment and like he is displeased with me. I feel like an awful person. Does anyone have support for me?
I’m just kind of sad right now. The primary subtype of OCD that’s a struggle for me is existential OCD. I’m afraid of losing my mind, of not knowing what’s real, not being able to trust my perceptions. It makes it hard to trust people, and impossible to trust myself. I did a screening with my therapist, and because of my eclectic and (admittedly) sort of ‘out there’ spirituality combined with this OCD type, I have a fair number of experiences that align with symptoms of schizophrenia. My therapist has told me she doesn’t think I’m schizophrenic, even though she knows about all my weird stuff, and that’s reassuring. But of course I can’t help but wonder if she’s wrong. Then I spiral because my best friend is the one who introduced me to this spiritual stuff, and while she has always been very careful never to bring anything up unless I asked about it or suggested it first, it gets in my head as this whole ‘crazy being contagious’ fear. What if she’s delusional and I’m just so suggestible that I’ve fallen in with her? What if she’s malicious and she’s lying to me or manipulating me? She’s always been kind and considerate and a wonderful friend, always there when I need here and never unkind. But her circle is small and some of those close to her think she’s crazy. I don’t know. I have nobody to ask. This belief system, for lack of a better term, has generally improved my life. It makes the world feel exciting and open and yeah some things are silly and weird and I wouldn’t tell most people about them because they sound crazy, but I try to let it go most of the time and say as long as I’m safe and safe to be around, it’s all okay and I can believe whatever I want. Whatever silly or out there thing helps me live. But it’s been hard lately. Sometimes I can’t tell if I genuinely believe or if I’m just playing some game of pretend that I want to believe in. My long term memory is terrible, as I began depersonalizing and dissociating as a child and never really stopped. I don’t have DID or anything, I’m just not that grounded, so my memory is bad. I think I had at least some of my epiphanies myself, and my belief system has aligned with hers naturally. I have a friend who didn’t know either of us until very recently, and knew me for a while first, and their beliefs are also similar. There’s no code or creed or cult that fits them perfectly, it kinda pulls from everywhere. That’s reassuring. That friend is reassuring. They came to believe these things without my best friend’s influence. I like to think I did too, and that my best friend just answered some questions and soundboarded with me and posed theories and I came to my own conclusions. But I don’t trust myself, so I wonder if maybe I’m just an idiot who had all these ideas implanted into my head by her. Maybe I’m just a puppet being pulled around. And seeing that paper with those little boxes next to those symptoms and checking them off…what if I’m just catching the crazy? What if I was always precarious in my sanity and all it’s taken is at best another crazy person and at worst a manipulative person to push me into unreality? I’m so tired. And I’m so scared. And I’m so sad. If anybody else has any experiences or feelings like this with their existence or their spirituality, I want to hear. I feel like I’m alone here. I want to believe I’m not. But I don’t talk about these things, so I don’t know.
My brain feels cooked, my nerves feel fried...I feel constant anxiety about my thoughts 24/7 now. My therapist told me he doesn't believe I have Depersonalization disorder and that it's all "placebo/nocebo effect" or "confirmation bias". I wake up feeling so disconnected from everything though, or maybe I am truly just telling myself that. I have intrusive thoughts that my brain can't mentally process what my eyes are seeing so it's almost like I'm blind even though I have perfect vision. It stresses me out to the point to where I don't wanna live anymore, yet the thought of death terrifies me. I never thought at 25 I would be experiencing these things, questioning how we exist, what causes it. I was prescribed Lexapro but the first 4 days of taking it my anxiety was so absolutely horrible that I stopped taking it...now my anxiety has labeled medication as a threat and taking any causes a full blown panic attack. I don't mean to come off as super negative but like...all I feel on a daily basis it seems is fear, panic, misery, and depression. I just don't know what to do. My therapist has told me to try and say "nope" out loud to these intrusive thoughts but it doesn't do much since my brain is obsessing and racing 24/7. I'm chronically tired and I'm just over it. My mental health is taking a toll on my bf now, and I'm terrified of losing him because of it and we've been together for 5 years now. People relating to me used to bring comfort, but now it feels like nothing does. I feel alone despite others dealing with the same mental issues I am. And all of this started, all of it From a migraine that caused a panic attack on July 27th. That right there was what caused my mental health to take a nose dive...idk what to do...I always feel like I'm not long for this world...like my life story is gonna be over soon...idk why, i dont have excessive thoughts of self harm.
Is this ocd? I Have a thought or think something f harmful that I’ve gotten intrusive thoughts about - and get a feeling like I want/like it or it would give me relief??? Please tell me that will eventually go away and I’ll get my real feelings back??? Or have I just turned into those things? Sometimes things that make me upset it even feels like I’ll do them just so I can be upset about them.
Fear is like looking ahead at a dense fog, uncertain of what lies beyond, while grief is like staring at a shadowy reflection in a rearview mirror, tied to what has already passed. Both is a relationship in time, fear has to do with the future, while grief has to do with the past. The struggle often comes from our difficulty in coping with the unknown future and the belief that we are accountable for the past. Personally, I view my life as a storybook, where every event is predestined and predetermined before I even arrived in this world. Just as reading a book doesn't change its plot, my journey through life doesn't alter the events that were always meant to be. So, why fear the future if it's already written and unchangeable by my actions or choices? Similarly, why grieve the past when nothing could have altered its course? Instead, I choose to live (submit) in the present and savor each page as it unfolds. I hope this perspective brings you comfort as well.
been extremely distressed with a specific ocd situation/real event/thought recently. it's paired with this anxious itching feeling to confess/ask for someone's thoughts, specifically my therapist. it feels like this horrible feeling of anxiety and guilt will never go away if i don't. this has been going on for weeks and i just feel miserable. the thing is, i already went through and "completed" therapy about a year ago and honestly, i don't have any plans to return to therapy and have sessions regularly at the moment. i just feel like reaching out because of this recent low point that has really gotten to me in a long time. it would maybe be just one to two sessions im looking for. but who knows. i feel like it would be weird to reach out for just this one specific ocd event because it does feel like i'm trying to find an escape from the miserable feelings and anxiety, through a compulsion of wanting to confess/reassurance etc. like i feel like i have to ask and chat with my therapist if i want to be a good person/get better/etc etc but also i just feel rly horrible and alone keeping this to myself since i just feel this strong urge to get everything off my chest. i can't stand knowing like i'm hiding something and it just being trapped in my own head like it makes me feel awful, emotionally morally mentally. since i don't rly disclose my ocd to my family, i feel like talking to my therapist about this issue would bring me some sort of peace. at the same time however thinking about confessing ocd real event and thoughts etc scares me a lot due to judgment and i know can easily spiral into new fears for me. reaching out again is so intimidating on its own. i can feel that i'm really wanting some relief which can be compulsive right. but also isn't that kind of what therapy is for? since i feel so awful don't i need therapy to feel better? i don't know what to do, this is just so suffocating. i've been battling with this dilemma whether i give my old therapist a call or not over this. apologies this was long but i appreciate any opinions or advice.
So, there is this thing I talked about before on here that I don’t remember happening. So, there’s this thought I had that my brain had and is trying to figure out if it’s a memory or not. This thought came to me one night and said I had inappropriately touched someone crotch. No name or memory. Just the thought saying this. My brain tried to rack through WHO this could be and WHEN and HOW. It thought of a few people with no real evidence or base. One I reached out to said I was nothing but sweet to them in school. Then it stuck to one person, but all I can remember is this one bad interaction nothing more. I apologized and they said it was ok, I’m good. Now there was no real memory of this “touch” that I could really recall. I don’t know how to describe it. My mind just said I did this thing and it scared me. I have never thought of this before. It brought up this one person I had this bad interaction with but I said “No this is what happened…” but then my mind kept saying what if and questioning if I’m sure. Like if I’m trying to hid the fact that I’m bad person from myself. I asked around and other people said they don’t remember me doing anything to this person or that I was a regular sweet kid in middle school. It’s all so trippy and irritating. I remember a lot of mistakes I did! But not really this one, this “memory” is not clear nor have I ever thought of it til this thought told me I did this thing. These other memories come up surrounding this event but I don't even really remember these. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a kid but I remember it, this is fuzzy and I keep going back and forth in my mind about it.
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
