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the NOCD Community

Has anybody on here actually recovered from HOCD ? :)

*Huh!? Whats the point in doing that?* WHY? My mind has decided it will ask me this question whenever i'm doing ANYTHING! For instance; *I'm at work* - Why am i here? To earn money - For what? House, car, clothes? - For what? Well i dont want to have no money and live on the streets? - Why? Coz i'll starve and i dont want that - Why? Because evolution has taught me to survive - Why survive? I DONT FUCKING KNOW Like obviously when you look at life in the big picture, thousand years from now my life won't matter. I love my family, friends etc but what am i here for? To work, have a couple holidays and nights out a year and grow old and die? Since i had this awakening i can't seem to dismiss this belief. Anything i do seems pointless, because i look right through it to the core and say why am i genuinely doing this and the true reason is never justified. Whether it be for fun or health...what does it matter in the grandscheme..NOTHING. 'So why do anything' is my brains new logic. Anyway, i know ERP would be to except that lifes probably meaningless and i'll never get a minutes peace in my life because i'll always be reminded by this fact but is anyone dealing with anything similar? Cheers.

Does anyone struggle with Suicidal and Existential OCD? I relapsed about 2 weeks ago and I just can't get unstuck. I've been struggling for about a year now. What gets me stuck is thinking that it's not OCD, but it's actually depression. And then I get stuck worried that I'm depressed and going to snap. Looking for people to talk to about this too, so comment your contact information if you want. You're not alone.

I too am reluctant to "believe this is OCD". I've been diagnosed (and treated for) PTSD after domestic violences. All my intrusive thoughts are about fear of living them again. How am I supposed to expose myself to thoughts of being molested? Isn't that going to traumatize me even further?

I know I know me again but please help me I can’t tell if it’s ocd or not Basically I’m scared of having STDs despite never having been diagnosed with one. I spiralled a few months ago after I googled some symptoms I had, now I feel like everything is a threat. I’m clear of everything according to my tests, but when I use public toilets I freeze in fear. If I see wee or blood I feel like I need to go back for more tests incase I came into contact with them. I’m scared of touching door handles or sitting on the seat now (never used to be) and toilet roll feels like a threat too I’m not sure if my underwear/pad touched the seat last week or not and it’s been eating away at me. What if there was someone’s bodily fluid there? I had no choice but to pull my knickers back up anyway, I feel like I might have infected myself. I’m scared of losing my partner as a result because it would look like I have cheated or something and he’d leave me I also stood in someone pee on the floor in one cubicle and now feel like those shoes are spreading STDs everywhere. I’m also convinced no matter how much I wipe my phone down that it’s contaminated too. Do I need more testing to make sure I’m still clean?

Hey guys what should I do?? I have a 2 hour flight I need to go on and I’m having all kind of crazy thoughts

Anyone else struggle with schizophrenia theme? Having a hard time. Scared I’m gonna lose touch with reality because of how weird my intrusive thoughts are! Any advice? I was doing better on this theme until it hit me out of nowhere again.

I really want to talk about my OCD with my boyfriend, I've talked about anxiety and self harm intrusive thoughts before with him and he was really helpful, but I really want to talk to him more about it. However, he used to have depression and I'm worried if I talk alot about my mental health it will trigger his mental health. Also I know how emotionally draining it is to help someone with a mental illness and I don't want to put that feeling of responsibility on him. Should I talk with him about it or not?

This app is getting on my nerves now I feel so fucking alone

Does anyone have sexual harmful taboo intrusive thoughts that are accompanied with an urge. I’ve had them at least three times and then I feel an urge in my hands and I know I’d never do that but it really scares me like why would I have an urge in my hands I wouldn’t ever want to harm my family members in any way or form. Why is there this urge and it’s only happened about twice the first time I broke down after that the second time it popped up with no urge I ignored it the third was earlier bugged me but I’m very calm because I understand I’d never do it or act out on it but why does the urge pop out and is it normal do any of you undergo that sometimes too? Please help need advice on this

I keep having suck bizarre thoughts. Sometimes I believe that I’m going crazy. Like my thoughts are delusional. Can anyone give advice. I really feel like I may have schizophrenia or something else.

I feel like when therapists say "the attraction might never come back" it's actually them avoiding reassurance ? just a thought. I haven't experienced this statement from my therapist, but alot of you have. Just a thought i wanted to share

I clearly remember wanting to cut my hair and wanting to look like a boy HELP THIS IS MESSING ME!

Oh god. My boyfriend just sent me a article he's reading for college about lgbt Jews. I'm ethnically Jewish. I don't know why this is triggering me so badly, but it is.

*EXPLICIT!!!!* Is it normal to completely loose your identity with HOCD? There's no "deep down I know I'm straight." I feel completely gay. I really think I am a lesbian in denial. I want my identity back. I've asked this before, but with ERP am I supposed to tell myself that I am gay? I don't know how else to except it. It's the only way that doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself now. It's extremely upsetting because I really don't want this to be my reality. My dad said that if I am a lesbian than I still get to choose who I'm with, but if I am then there's no reason not to be with a woman even if I don't want to be. I have to. If I'm a lesbian and I stay with my boyfriend then I'm just in denial and lying to myself and him right? I have to put myself in a box, I'm not capable of breaking societal standards for some reason as in if I'm a lesbian then I can only date women. My parents keep telling me that they don't think I'm gay, but I can do whatever. I think I'm starting to convince myself that this actually what I want. Hopefully just so I can get over the pain. I don't know anymore. I don't know how I let this turn into an actual identity crisis. It doesn't help that I have ROCD too. I think I'm going to go on the SSRI I was prescribed even though it had bad reviews. I've had OCD since I was like six years old, with multiple different things, but I keep thinking with this one what if it's different? *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* I've watched lesbian porn in the past and have finished to it multiple times and for a while that was my go to, then I stopped watching porn altogether. I didn't have any emotional connection to it, but it worked. What if I didn't have an emotional connection because I didn't let myself? I had a fantasy about myself in a lesbian porn once, but again, back then I didn't think of it as something I really wanted in reality, infact it was testing, but I stayed aroused. I know I had fantasies about guys my whole life, but now I feel like I'm making them up. At the beginning of this I remember testing myself thinking about a girl and then switching to a boy to see if I would stay aroused, and I'd completely loose arousal with the boy. There was a lot of anxiety around this so I don't know if that's why or if it's because I'm actually gay. I really really really do not want to be a lesbian, but I read about another on quora that said she really didn't want to be gay and another girl answered by saying that she didn't want to be at first either and that in the beginning she wasn't even able to say the word "lesbian" and that she was extremely depressed in the beginning, but now she's happy. I don't want that. I don't even want to be happy and gay.

Can OCD make you doubt every single aspect about yourself? Like your values and morals? I watched a video yesterday about an 18 year old girl dating a 13 year old boy and when they showed their pictures I noticed that if you didn't know about their ages, you wouldn't be able to tell that theres such an extreme age gap between them. It was just something I noticed and I was like "Oh that's probably why she found him attractive, because he looks about as old as her" and my brain went "So are you justifying it?" and I was like "Absolutely not, I just made an observation. This is still a pedophilic relationship and there's absolutely nothing that can justify it." and my brain goes "You're lying. You secretly have no problem with it. It's why you weren't overtly disgusted when the picture showed up. You're an apologist." and I was like NO I'M NOT and It felt like I was really lying and I'm so scared and confused because I really don't support shit like that. So what the fuck does my brain want from me??? Can OCD do shit like that? I literally constantly feel like I'm fake and that I'm a liar and that I don't love my friends or my little sister and that every good thing I do is for the benefit of me only. I don't want to feel like this. It makes me want to fucking DIE. I just want clarity and certainty and I never have either anymore.

Does anyone else keep thinking about whether they really have OCD or if it's a personality thing? I think I have contamination OCD (and possibly other forms), even if I haven't been diagnosed. Yet, I keep thinking that it might just be my personality and that I'm just a bit picky about things being clean or whatever, even if I don't want it to be so and want to be like most people I know. And then I feel guilt for being a bad person because I "want to have OCD". I mean, I don't want to have OCD (if what I go through already is anything like it, this sucks) but me having it would mean that treatment is possible, but if it was a personality thing, you can't change personalities.. right..? Lately it's been an issue that's on my mind a lot, and I get quite stressed thinking about it, and I keep trying to find evidence as to why it's a problem that needs solving, or trying to figure out its severity.. or even getting the urge to tell someone to see if they go through the same, or if it's just me.. I can't really get professional help.. at least, not now. Yet, I keep stressing over this, and not being sure feels like it's killing me.. "Can I actually control this?", "Am I a fraud for being on this app?", "Am I just eccentric?" are just some of the thoughts I get at night.. What do you guys think? Has anyone else felt this way before? What do y'all think would help?

Going through a break up, dealing with Hocd and being 10 hours away from home is just fucked up this week has been total shit I feel alone and I’m only going back home late November just hope I can make it that long.

Sexual fantasies talk, tmi warning. I can’t stop feeling that there is some monster inside me which is going to destroy my life. I know for a fact now that I never was and in all probability never will be attracted to another woman in reality. I even stopped having these awful groinal responses/intrusive thoughts and now I can be around women, yay! However I am terrified of my sexual fantasies. I’ve kind of suppressed them for a long time. When Im having sex, I concentrate on my partner and that is okay, but sometimes I slip from reality to some ‘harmless’ fantasies and then to taboo ones about other women. I’m afraid that if I allow myself to give in to those fantasies they would be strictly homosexual and that would definitely mean something. Sometimes it’s so bad that I’m trying to force the fantasy and then I feel grossed out. Does anyone else have it?

Okay, I think it’s going to be a long post I’ve been doing extremely well for over 9 months, I truly see in myself positive changes, I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety when I see something gay related, I don’t shy away from gay content etc etc. Nevertheless, sometimes I would get these very agressive groinal responses out of nowhere, those are really disturbing. They are the main cause which forces my brain to overthink and begin this vicious cycle of constant rumation. Yes, the rumination does not affect me nearly as much as it did in the past, but it is still like a worm in my head that eats me alive. For a couple of days now I’ve been having an idea, related to the Jung theory of the shadow self. Those familiar with it will understand what I’m trying to say. Basicaly, I started to analyze that maybe, the pure obsession that I have, related to my sexuality(hocd) could be a sign of my shadow self. Jung highlights the importance of the integration of the shadow self with the self, and he also points out that the shadow self sends us messages from the unconscious mind, our pure desires and needs. So my intrusive and obsessive thought lately has been regarding this theory. What if this means that my deepest desire is to be with a woman, to have a passionate love with a woman etc etc. Once I started to delve deeper into the subject, I found out that these signals of the shadow self are present since childhood, but, knowing that we are doing something prohibited, we as children tend to hide these kind of things. When I was about 6-7 I would always make my barbie have sex with a doll man, I would watch porn, I even wanted to be a pornstar because it would have meant that I would have sex every day. I would masturbate sometimes daily. With other words, I was a very sexual child. But there is one thing which alarms me, and my brain sees it as a reflection of my shadow self. When I was about 9 I wanted to teach my friend how to masturbate, and it all progressed till touching each others intimate parts. It is worth noting that this activity aming girls was popular in my neighbourhood. Morover, I wouldn’t have done it, if I didn’t see other girls do it and it seemed interesting to me, not to mention that I knew how pleasure felt like. Now, as I have these obsessive thoughts about my sexuality, I’m starting to have false(or maybe not) memories. For instance, I kind of remember thinking to make two of my barbies have sex, but knowing it was not something okay, I didn’t do it. Again, I’m not 100% sure of the credibility of this memory, but it definetely made me very anxious. My questions: What do you think about the shadow self theory? How could you explain my very sexual behaviour as a child? I remember that I wanted to have hetero sex so badly, but now I am totally anxious when it comes to sex. How can I change that?