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** DEATH AND DECOMPOSITION OF HUMANS MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING ** Does anyone have an obsessive fear of death? Not like the act of dying, but like rotting things and contamination from corpses or people losing what makes them human. This was one if my old themes. Anything related to decomposition like maggots, flies, or smells that I thought smelled like death would set me off. It started when a guy in my building died from TB and they didn't find him until a few days later. They supposedly had a clean up crew come in, but I have serious doubts that they actually cleaned anything properly because I live in an absolutely disgusting slum with a slum lord owner who doesn't give two shits about people, only saving a dime. My mom worked in a cemetery when I was little so she knows what crypt gnats look like and what death smells like due to mausoleums. I still don't recognize the smell (even though she explained it to me), but she's pointed out the flies to me so I know what they look like. I wish I didn't because now I know when someone is dead in my building. One of my neighbors went into the apartment of her other neighbor down stairs from me and found him dead and went into extreme detail about his decomp to me. I went outside and found a medical glove with fluids on it that I think were from the clean up of his body the same day. It made me have a big mental breakdown. I still get intrusive thoughts about the description of what he looked like sometimes. I ate a guava and realized there were worms in it and literally chucked it across my kitchen and screamed and promptly sobbed while washing my mouth out for like 15 minutes. I know fruit flies are totally different, but any maggots remind me of death. It's not even people dying that bothers me. My next door neighbor died fron a drug overdose a few months back, but they tried to save her. It's decomposition that bothers me both because of contamination and the loss of humanity that decomposition brings. I had this intense curiosity to look at images of decomposition on reddit even though I didn't want to. My bestfriend told my about her mom working with old people and how she found rotting people multiple times and again she went into detail. I was afraid see someone I'm very close to for a short period of time because they told me that they died as a child and had to be resuscitated. He told me that you evacuate your bowels when you die (sorry for the details) and again this bothered me because it's a loss of humanity type thing, not because he died. I don't know why this made me avoid him because he's alive now. Old people bother me for the same reason because they lose what makes them who they are as people and pretty much revert back to babies. Sorry for the long rant, but I started thinking about it again.

I can't stop myself from checking for arousal by thinking sexually suggestive thoughts about teenagers. And I also check for arousal by thinking about a pedophile getting an erection while looking at a child to see if I'm attracted to pedophiles themselves. I'm so terrified. I don't want to check like this anymore, but it pisses me off that I always feel something down there. I feel absolutely disgusting. I don't want to be a pedophile, nore be attracted to pedophiles nore be a pedophile apologist. I just want it wiped off my mind. I hate it so much these compulsions make me feel like an irredeemable piece of garbage. I am so fucking sick of this. I feel like even if I get diagnosed and treated for OCD, I'll never get over the regret of willingly thinking these things to check. I feel like a horrible person.

It’s hard accepting uncertainty for certain ocd thoughts because if it is true then it makes me feel I should not exist. It sucks.

An excessive irrational fear of hiv. I know it can't b transmitted by this process but still

So scared of becoming delusional, does anyone else struggle with this? Is it possible for your intrusive thoughts to copy delusions? As well as thinking you believe the thought for. Split second? I’m also feeling like I’m losing touch with reality. Does anyone have advice. I’m scared this is the beginning of me losing my mind.

Does anyone feel like they’re losing themselves? I just experienced something really strange and I’m scared I’m actually developing schizophrenia

I hate that it just feels like I’m attracted to girls now.. anyone else this way?

My ROCD story: Ever since the beginning of my relationship, I was surprised by my now fiancée. I wasn’t certain about how I felt at first, but he was so incredibly kind and funny, and so I decided to give it a shot. I fell absolutely head over heels in love with him. We could stay up for hours talking about random stuff, eating at diners, taking romantic night drives, watching the rain. After about 6 months of dating, he came to see my hometown and blurted out that he was going to marry me. Lol. We had such a perfect visit and he fit so well with my family. Every day he would steal me away for a moment just to kiss me goodnight or tell me he loved me. It was really as perfect as it gets. After our trip, I came down with mono (fml) and started feeling awful. I’ve noticed that when I get physically sick, my anxiety gets triggered times a million. So every bad thought I’d had started haunting me; this is when I would say my intrusive thoughts started happening. I would spend hours a day ruminating on whether or not I liked him, do we have enough fun together, would I like someone better, am I bed person for thinking this, am I hurting him by staying, maybe if I leave the anxiety will stop... yada yada yada. My compulsions were googling and comparing my relationship to others. The closer we got to the end of the semester before my graduation from grad school, the closer I knew I was to a proposal. Not only was a proposal coming, but also: graduation from college, finding my first real adult job, moving to a new place, leaving my current roommate and best friend, and changing community groups at church. This was a total recipe for disaster and anxiety! Somehow I kept it mostly together, but my compulsions continued. I had a few anxiety attacks before getting engaged, one of them a few weeks before. My then-boyfriend knew something was wrong, and he got me a card that said, “I’ll love you even if the wheels come off” and it had a picture of a wagon on it. He told me he still thought it was a great idea to marry me and that he just wanted to love me, with all the anxiety I might bring to the table. THAT’s the type of person you want to be with. Fast forward a few anxiety attacks, an engagement that was so incredibly thoughtful (I felt both relieved and slightly anxious on that day), and five months of being on hormonal birth control pills, and I am just 2 weeks out from my wedding. I have had panic attacks for the past 2 months (from the BC pills, I’m figuring it out lol) but figuring out that my thoughts probably come from ROCD has been a lifesaver. I can now separate my thoughts that are not in line with what I believe - even though I am still triggered DAILY and struggle a lot— I believe I will be happy one day again, because what me and my husband-to-be is really special. I’m getting some supplemental progesterone to even out my mood swings/ hormones before the wedding, and I am hoping that my big day will be just as beautiful as I had hoped. Fuck ROCD - the voices in my head aren’t going to win. Panic attacks won’t win. My insecurity and fears won’t win. I’m getting married and there is nothing my ROCD can do about it.

I really am in a panic. I really need someone to talk to.

i wish that i never came across lesbian porn at a young age. i feel like it confused my brain on what i’m actually attracted to. i also feel like i can’t truly get off to anything but lesbian porn. this sucks.

So I’ve been doing so well lately. One of my biggest OCD themes besides harm is related to health and particularly STD’s within that. I’ve always had a fear of the STD’s that are incurable...particularly herpes though it’s effect on someone’s life is minimal. I’ve been sexually active recently (always with protection) and have noticed a spot on my penis. It very well could be acne or dermatitis of some kind but my OCD has already convinced me that it’s herpes and that I need to immediately get tested (which both my therapist and primary doctor have said would be feeding into the OCD unless it’s blatantly obvious that I need medical attention.) So I’m not sure what to do, any ideas how to cope with this anxiety, has anyone else had this form of OCD? Thank you in advance....

Anyone here who’s had a lesbian fantasy and enjoyed it before HOCD? I never had one but I’m just curious.

ROCD Question, does anyone ever feel like they don’t love their spouse? I just got married and idk if it’s my real feelings or my ROCD thoughts. I have gone through a lot in my life and my husband and I have gone through a lot more bad than good by we have come along way in the last few months!! I get random spurts of love for him but sometimes when I look at him I don’t feel anything but that goes for everyone except my kids. I don’t know if I have been hurt so much I have just shut off, or if that’s how I really feel. I know love is much more than a feeling, which is what I’m holding on to. Regardless we have a family and I love him but he annoys me so much sometimes I feel like there’s more irritation that fogs the love if it’s even there. I hate saying those things cause I don’t want to feel that way which says a lot. He has been my best friend for 6 years we have been together for over a year and we just got married a week ago. We are about to have another baby any day now. I felt this way before we got married prob because of all the stress and crap we have had to go through and fighting along the way cause it wasn’t always like this I mean it was a transition from besties to lovers but we always have feels for eachother. I’m very confused regardless I will always stay with him I mentally care and love him (my mind says you’re just saying that cause he annoys you so much haha) but I don’t know even if I have to work on not making myself love him but just doing what I need to to love him the way I need to I will forever hell I might already love him the right way I might just be super numb to everything I just don’t know. I’m scared it may not be an OCD thought and a true one and don’t know how to get past this. When I think about it or it makes me think it it makes me feel that anxiety and question everything I just want it to stop and feel really depressed cause I don’t want it to be a truth thought that makes me think that it’s not true but idk :(

Life is so sad

Why does my ROCD thoughts switch into "what if he is not in love anymore?" to "what if I'm not in love anymore?" all the time? This makes no sens

I have been stressing that my ocd isnt ocd and its schizophrenia - i start to think and keep thinking and im like this is not ocd its more the that even though i know i am not schizophrenia bc i would have been diagnosed but my brain wont shut off- any tips ?

*TMI**TMI**TMI**EXPLICIT* My boyfriend and I were having sex and I was enjoying it focusing on him. All of a sudden started thinking "what if I'm only enjoying it because somehow in my unconscious mind I'm thinking of a girl and I'm not aware of it" like an app running in the background of a phone. Then it turned into "well if that's the case I'm emotionally cheating on him without even being aware of it." I want to die. I want to enjoy my boyfriend again. He's my bestfriend and the love of my life and will always be even if I have to deal with this or if I'm actually a lesbian. I would absolutely love if hocd and rocd would f*ck off. I started experiencing tocd intrusive thoughts today which was intense and scary. I really hope it's something that's temporary that won't stick around.

I’m really damn scared rn. I feel like I have internalized homophobia!! I’m panicking omg. I really have nothing against gay people I don’t think it’s wrong. Everyone is able to have preference, even my bestfriend is a Gay male. But now I can’t stop thinking I have internalized homophobia, wow ..

Do any of you make art or have creative hobbies? People generally view me as a "creative" person, but because of my rigid and perfectionist tendencies, I don't actually engage in making things often. It's hard for me to start something if I don't have a project in mind, or if I can't see the point in doing it. I'm going to try to do some more free-form exercises, maybe a few times a week, to take the pressure off, and I was wondering if anyone here could relate or had any suggestions.

This is very tough today. I've been avoiding overthinking my thoughts and they still feel so real. Is this supposed to happen for the first day of recovery? I feel like I'm in a contant state of dysphoria ever since this whole thing started.