Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I went out with one of my friends the other day to visit a university campus. The campus was rlly beautiful. However, until we reached the buildings and wanted to explore inside of them like the student center and music department and such, I kept noticing that pretty much every building on the campus had a Prop 65 warning (which indicates that some chemicals may cause cancer or birth defects of some sort) imprinted on the front of each building. I started feeling queasy and overwhelmed and kept circulate many thoughts surrounding the aspects of cancer and the symptoms that it could bring about. I was confused and also a bit pissed off. I kept thinking if we were to live in a safe and non hazardous environment, then WHY WOULD THEY EVEN STILL USE THESE EXACT CHEMICALS THAT COULD PROBABLY KILL US IN THE FUTURE!!!??? I’ve seen these warning signs before but this is the first time that I ever felt like I’m actually vulnerable because I keep thinking that since we are being exposed to these chemicals we are probably going to “catch” cancer from it and spread it elsewhere When I got home, I took a shower to get rid of those thoughts that make me think that I “have” cancer on me from the exposed chemicals, I basically “eradicated it out of my body through the shower and scrubbing” Bottom line is that I have very little medical experience or knowledge about cancer aside from knowing some concepts of it in Biology. Yet I still feel that urge to literally stay away from any place that has those signs and even people that have been in those buildings!! I honestly dk I think this kinda broke me a bit. I just need to grasp the truth being said by professional personnel (I’m seeing a talk therapist) referring to doctors, nurses, health specialists etc without feeling so paranoid when realizing that pretty much things that I’ve already done can cause these effects. Overall I appreciate you reading and hearing me go insane over this The sign on every building (Azusa Pacific University, Glendora CA)

Today was one of those days where OCD decided to throw a curveball—completely unplanned and uninvited. It wasn’t one of those moments where I’d geared up for exposure practice or had a strategy ready. Instead, it hit out of nowhere. This morning, I noticed a massive 4-foot scratch on my car when I got to work. It was glaring, impossible to miss, and my mind immediately spiraled into overdrive. This was after intentionally avoiding any distractions during my commute (no videos, no crutches). For about two hours, I had no idea how or when the scratch happened, and it felt awful. My brain latched onto the uncertainty, feeding me all the “what ifs” and “should haves” it could muster. And as if the scratch itself wasn’t enough, there was the bigger, familiar fear lurking in the background: the fear of being a disappointment. The thought that I might have harmed someone or caused damage—or that I would be a disappointment to those I valued the most—loomed large. It wasn’t just about the car. It was about the story my OCD loves to tell me: What if this makes me bad? What if I’m careless? What if I’ve let everyone down? In that moment, I had to make a choice. I couldn’t undo the scratch or magically find an answer to what caused it, but I could decide how I responded. I kept telling myself: This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it. Something happened, or maybe it didn’t, but either way, I have to sit with this feeling. Later, my husband figured it out. The scratch happened when he was squeezing by my car to bring the trash bins in. Even after learning the cause, though, the anxiety didn’t disappear. If anything, it hung around, whispering that I still needed to fix something or do something to make it “right.” What’s wild is that I’d been having a great couple of days before this. I felt like I was making progress—fewer compulsions, less spiraling—and then this situation hit, and I felt like I’d been thrown a million miles backwards. That’s the thing about OCD: progress isn’t linear. And then there’s the added layer of fear: this nagging worry that I’ll never stop letting people down, that even little mistakes or accidents somehow make me a failure in someone else’s eyes. That weight can feel unbearable sometimes. As the day went on, though, I noticed a shift. It wasn’t dramatic, but the anxiety started to lose its edge. I’m proud of myself for not falling back into old habits—no reassurance-seeking, no obsessing over the car, no chasing answers to make the anxiety disappear. But I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s still hard. I’m nervous about getting back in the car later. Will I feel paralyzed, stuck in the moment when I first saw the scratch? Or will I be able to move on like it’s just another part of the day? Right now, I don’t know, but here’s what I do know: I didn’t give up today. I faced a 9/10 anxiety moment, and even though it wasn’t graceful or ideal, I kept going. It didn’t feel good, and it wasn’t perfect, but I’m still here, still trying, still moving forward.

Hi, I had a ok 2 days after a while I haven’t been ok. And today it all kinda came back to me. Like yesterday and 2 days ago the thoughts were here to cause I had things to do. And today it all kinda came back , im trying to stay away from compulsion and today starting erp again cause I kinda gave up on it. I’m afraid I just never recover from it cause what if the thought will always be here? It’s just scary that it’s will be forever. Ocd has made me depressed too so I need to get my life back together. I’m afraid I will never recover because what if there are people who don’t recover from this? What if I will be one of them? My therapist tells me never to compare myself to anyone, she tells me that everyone can recover and it’s possible to recover for anyone but it’s depend of the person. I’m trying to think positive but the what if I’m not going to recover thoughts are killing me. I know it’s possible but what if not for me

they say ocd is egodystonic. ever since i was young i knew i was attracted to women sexually, possibly even more than men, and it never bothered me. when i was about 14 i had an episode (my first ever i think?) about being a lesbian. once that died down and i got older i tried to flirt with the idea of liking women romantically, and theres been a few times where i have been a bit. but since then i still have had a few SO-OCD flare ups about liking women and i cant figure out why.. maybe being raised christian and whatnot? but like im not a christian so whats egodystonic about that? it has me questioning everything, like what if i really DO like women romantically/am a lesbian and all my other scary themes for example pocd are real as well? the weird thing about this is… im not even panicking? i’ve been working on my ocd alot lately so it could be a result of that but im also wondering if something worse is going on?

So there's a lot going on rn. I'm dating this wonderful man, the way to describe him is Captain America, or Wesley from princess bride. He's the perfect gentleman while still being a super fun goofy guy. He's so kind and respectful, literally the kind of guy l've dreamed of as a little girl. Tall, very handsome, sweet, very well styled, knows how to cook amazingly! Like just everything, he's everything. Now here's the issue I'm having. In my last relationship, my entire family and extended family were not happy at all. They made it very very clear how unhappy they were with me, calling me a naïve, horrific, sinful person for doing normal couple things like cuddling and simple kisses. My parents told me many times how far off the path they and everyone their age took to have a happy successful marriage. That what I was doing was so wrong, I needed to break up, I needed to cut it off because it wouldn't go anywhere. I still can't think about that time with out anxiety taking over and bad feelings. I hate it, I want to erase all of that, erase everything they made me feel, because at the end of the day I feel like a horrible, absolutely awful human for my feelings I had, and for the normal couple things I did. I hate it, I hate them a little. I just want to forget everything during that time. So that was the background. Today, with my man (the "new" man) I'm terrified to tell them anything. I postponed telling my parents about my BF for weeks, not telling them I was even talking to a guy or going on on dates and especially not telling them about us dating. When I finally did text them (I felt safer texting and not calling) I couldn't even look at the text I was so scared, he had to look at if for me and tell me it was a happy text before I could think calmly. I've only told my parents, sister and one cousin I trust. I don't even dare telling my aunts and uncles, and no way in hell am telling my grandma who practically called me a whore and bitch for cuddling and how horrible and the audacity I hade for posing cute pictures of Facebook for the world to see such "intimate pictures". Gosh I just want it all to go away! I want them to go away, I want these bad feelings to go away! I don't want to feel like a dirty whore anymore. I don't want this! I don't want my family to hurt him. I don't want them to hurt him No way in hell am I posing ever again about my love life. I'm not telling anyone unless I trust them and they ask directly. I'm so scared they're going to hurt him enough that they drive him away too. I don't want to loose him. I hate my family so much! I hate them for hurting me so deeply then expecting me to open up again to them. I hate it! I'm so scared of them, I'm paralyzed with fear any time they ask about him. Why do I feel so scared and like a bitch for what I did? Why do I get shamed and shunned for cuddling and being affectionate? I hate this! I hate my family for doing this to me.

When i’m very anxious, one thing that calms me down a LOT is talking to other people or hanging out with them or texting them. It’s not a matter of feeling wanted or anything but moreso that being around other people is a great distraction and I get to escape my own mind for a bit. But now I worry that this is indicative of some sort of serious mental health issue or something… i’m so scared

I’ll have an intrusive thought and get a little anxious but then it almost feels like I’m outside my body. And it’s terrifying because then it makes the thoughts feel even more plausible. Especially with harm ocd. I wish I could explain. But like if I’m eating, it doesn’t feel like I’m eating and I’m spaced out. Or if I’m driving. I’m so scared.

I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to make this post because for a very long time I would read other people’s posts but was way too fearful of judgement to ever make a post myself. This theme is really difficult and painful and makes you feel ashamed. It can go from very mild to very dark and disturbing and it’s much worse being a mom or dad struggling with this theme and your ocd latching onto your own children that you love more than anything. I see very few posts from other parents struggling with this theme and it makes me feel alone so I totally understand how scared of being judged and how alone it can make you feel. I developed ocd as postpartum after having my first child and it was harm ocd only for awhile and then it switched to several other themes but the pocd upset me the most so that’s the main theme my ocd sticks with and my ocd latches onto my own children often. It’s not easy to talk about or reach out for advice about when you feel like you’re the only one going through it and having these intrusive thoughts, false memories, ect. I know I feel alone when I post because only 3 people so far as long as i’ve been on this app have commented on my posts that said they are a parent suffering with this theme. I’ve gotten alot of support from others who haven’t suffered with pocd or aren’t parents that have really helpful advice and I do appreciate that so much but it helps that little bit more when it’s someone that knows exactly what you’re going through. So, to anyone reading this that is struggling alone scared to post, you’re not alone and when you’re ready, myself and others are here to help and show support. Your posts could also help others like us feel less alone.

In a nutshell I was struggling w another theme and then a thought of “what if this gets so bad you hurt yourself?” Came up and got stuck. The other theme completely went away I will admit I’ve compulsed and dug into this so hard that now it feels real. It feels like I want to do this but am just holding myself back. I have no history of self harm or suicidal behaviour. Nothing was even going on in my life to make me want to do this. It feels like I did a 180 in a moment. It’s blurred the lines of what’s real and what’s not where even when I’m typing this out that I’m struggling it feels like I’m lying and just going through the motions. I even have thoughts that I’m delaying the inevitable and that even if I go somewhere for help it’ll just happen after. It feels like I don’t want to get better. This never used to be me and I honestly used to be terrified of death. I’ve done some ERP. I can hold knives, belts, pills and stand on bridges and of course nothing happens. Just can’t shake this feeling that I want to and it feels real. It’s such a catch 22

A few days ago I posted about the urge to type up cp spelt out into Google. As stated in that post I know it’s essential harmless. It would generate articles and statistics. I’ve never given into this urge. My therapist theorizes that my OCD has its own morbid curiosity. I think that’s possibly true. But this urge has me feeling almost restricted? I can’t get on my phone or computer without feeling like I can’t breathe. I think it’s maybe anxiety but it’s driving me crazy. My therapist is newer at treating OCD. She told me I was her first client with in an active OCD episode. She’s mentioned ERP and workbooks, I’ve met with her twice. We normally go in what I wrote in workbooks and my journal about OCD. She suggested I type it into Google (since it’s technically not harmful) once to see if that urge goes away and if it doesn’t, to use it against my OCD by saying, “this urge that seems to be promising relief from anxiety is a lie, we’ve done this before and I gave in. You’re lying and we’re not doing this again.” I mentioned that this might just give my OCD more power over me. Or use the guilt against me. I’m scared to do it. I know it’s harmless again. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I don’t know if I should take that advice. Can anyone give me their input or perspective? Or maybe even what they think their therapist would say? I trust my therapist but we’re both very new at this and I’m terrified of this getting worse but I also hate this restriction feeling/anxiety. Input please, I really appreciate it

I have contamination OCD and sometimes I don't feel like cleaning. I have a huge pile of blankets on my floor that feel contaminated and I have two dogs and seven cats. I don't really touch them anymore like I used to since my OCD got worse. One of my dogs like to pee on my floor a lot and sometimes I'm too lazy to clean it, because I'd have to get the carpet shampooer out and actually clean. Sometimes I do it because I don't want to wash my hands over and over, so I just avoid it. Now I'm scared that the dry urine is on my feet and are now in my bed. I know that I should just say well maybe it did or maybe it didn't and just go about my day, but it's hard. For the people who conquered contamination OCD how did you get through stuff like this? Thank you in advance to anyone who answers my post.

Does anyone else have a fear of anything being on their hands? Not necessarily that you don’t like the germs on it, but you can’t stand the fact that you have grease or oil on your hands. I can’t stand when I see people eat greasy food with their hands and then just casually wipe them on their pants or blanket. Like it makes my skin crawl. I can eat greasy food with my hands, but afterwards I have to immediately wash them because I don’t want to get that grease on any object. People always jokingly try to touch me with grease and it actually infuriates me, and also infuriates me when I see them touch another object like a remote with that greasy hand. Is this just me or is there anyone else who can relate?

Hi, really struggling currently battling my memories: fear of being a lesbian!!! it’s said i would remember if i felt attraction to women in my past but i just. can’t. remember. my brain is taking every interaction with a woman and making it like i was attracted even thought im like pretty sure i wasn’t but again. i. just. don’t. know. it’s making even what i thought to be platonic have some meaning and has fully convinced me i have had gay thoughts and romantic and sexual feelings to women before my hocd. second, it’s battling my memories with my past experiences with men. i bet we’ve all see the comphet list… not fun… i related to a few when it came to like a disconnect with male attraction before my hocd. my brain is really attacking that and is using everytime i didn’t feel something as proof that im gay and everytime i think i remember feeling something with men it’s saying it wasn’t real or it wasn’t strong enough or i never wanted it or it was just societal pressures yada yada. idk i guess im just really struggling with these two and its hard to say maybe, maybe not right now. just wanna know if anyone can relate

Tl;Dr I had a huge trigger and panic attack last night after 6 months with almost no OCD episodes. Trying to evaluate what is a real problem and what isn't History: Had OCD since childhood, triggers are guilt, religion, being a bad person, and relationship OCD. Episodes for me have been horrible panic attacks of immense guilt, and the only thing that would stop them is disassociation. I would live in a numbed out state between episodes, believing that no one could truly love me or know me because I was deep down a bad person. I've been with my partner , T, for ten years. The first half of our relationship was before I got treatment for OCD, and my mental health was extremely poor. When T and I got together, I was just months out of an abusive relationship. I had no clue what really made me happy, and I was constantly pleasing others to feel temporary relief of the immense guilt and shame I had about who I was as a person. I broke up with him 5 times during the first five years of our relationship, I wouldnt call him my boyfriend. I felt disconnected with him, I was probably codependent on him to keep my anxiety at bay. I was so disassociated during that time, I didn't love anyone and I didn't feel "in love" with him. But I wanted him around all the time. I loved talking and spending time with him. I was never tried to date anyone else because they wouldn't compare with t. He felt like home. About five years uring one of my OCD flares, my therapist Jana suggested for the first time that I may have OCD, specifically ROCD. It took me a long time to even consider, but I got treatment and for the first time was able to live with integrity. I didn't feel like I was hiding. I told my wonderful, patient partner I loved him and we moved in together, we are getting married. But now I'm having another episode and wondering what is OCD and what is me lying to myself: -Ive been going through some serious family issues (family diagnosed with ALS, caregiving), and have been feeling completely focused on that. Subsequently, I feel disconnected from my partner and emotionally focused on that -Is it okay that I didn't "fall in love" in the traditional sense? I love t, I feel safe and at home with him. I feel attracted to him -We went through a rough patch for a couple months (arguing and communication problems, my partner being distant), and are now starting couples counseling and working through a Gottman workshop. T went from being disconnected to very attentive and kind. This frightens me, and I feel pulled away. I feel numb. Sometimes I feel unsatisfied. I love my partner, I love this life I built. I want to keep working on it. Is there like... Some ultimate happiness/satisfaction that I'll never achieve since we didn't fall in love the traditional way? I'm scared and I don't want to lose my family.

I’ve been working with NOCD since late May, but this is my first post. As time has gone on and I’ve learned more about OCD, I’ve come to realize a lot of things I was doing were compulsions. This has been a devastating realization, because what I originally thought were signs of progress were actually just more compulsions. I have a couple different subtypes that come up often. Blinking, sexual taboo thought, whether my anxiety will prevent me from sleeping and getting a small break from my brain etc. But, specifically I essentially have OCD about PCD. Searching for the “right away” and “right response” to deal with and improve my OCD. My main compulsion is constant rumination about the “how to’s” of ERP, or what to do to improve my OCD. It has been fairly close to non stop rumination for 6-7 months now. I’d say the longest my brain goes without feeling threatened and wanting to dive down the rabbit hole has been maybe 15 minutes or so. It’s exhausting as sometimes I just want a break but I feel like I’m in ERP all day every day where my brain never gives me a break. I came to realize how much sneaky self reassurance I was doing. A lot of it frankly is to motivate myself not to give up. As, I have a wife and a 6 year old and while some days I feel like I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, I don’t really feel like I can do that with a family who depends on me. Essentially, I am aware of my thoughts all the time. I “check” my thoughts and become aware that OCD is there, and then before I know it I’m ruminating on how to respond to it. At the beginning of this process, one of my compulsions was research (which I didn’t realize at the time was a compulsion). A lot of that advice I had sought out about OCD and learning more about it has stuck in my brain and those are the types of things that play on repeat through the rumination. “Just let it be there.” “Don’t engage.” “It’s just a thought.” “Don’t be too hard on yourself and just keep trying.” etc. I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment because I feel like I don’t get to choose when I do ERP because my brain is just asking me to solve this practically every minute of every day. It’s frustrating to be 6-7 months into this journey and still feel like I’m no further along in recovery and keep doing the same compulsions. It feels so unfair sometimes, as I’m 35 and never really knew I had OCD until an event triggered it earlier this year and now that I’m aware of it, I think about it constantly and can’t seem to figure out how to NOT try to figure it out. Anyways, this was a very long post and to anyone who took the time to read it I greatly appreciate it. I don’t really know what I’m looking for out of this post other than to vent because of how challenging it has been for me.

Hi everyone! For the past 4 years I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about myself or others. It’s mostly about others and it’s really scary. I’ve been to my doctor about it and for some reason he diagnosed me with depression and he said it’s the cause of my intrusive thoughts ( which doesn’t make sense to me)…I’ve done more research and I believe that it might be Harm OCD. These thoughts terrify me. It affects my every day life. Some weeks are better than others but it’s so awful when I have a “flare up”. Can anyone help me understand how to know whether or not I have this condition? And if I do what are yalls experiences and what are your recommendations for treatment?

Today i didnt look on reddit and didnt looked on this app at other peoples posts to seak answers. But i still had major anxiety that made my heart racing . O had moments when i thought that my bf is annoying and that he is not for me, i didnt live him bla bla bla. Felt real, still feals real but i did some progress. I dont really know how to do erp on my own and i need advice. i feel like im seaking reasurance everytime i post here because.. i do but i need advice from people that understand me.

In a few minutes, I have to drop my partner off at a birthday part of one of his colleagues. I won't have to go in, but I'm still extremely nervous and anxious. Other times, when for example his parents are here and the four of us go out to a restaurant, or shopping, I'm not nervous or anxcious at all. Can anyone relate?

Is this an ROCD thing? I get really annoyed and start to think ‘maybe he’s not actually nice’ because sometimes he likes to be playful with me but my ocd HATES that. There are a few things he does that trigger the hell out of me. I’ve told him what they are. But sometimes, I think he forgets. I think it’s his way of showing affection but it irritates me so much. I feel so guilty because it’s probably normal. If he hugs me too tightly, I have to say ‘you know I don’t like that, please don’t do it.’ I hate being negative like this, it hurts my heart 😟 But if I haven’t seen him in a while, and he’s missed me, he gives me a tight hug, like a squeeze. It makes me feel trapped and my ocd thinks he’s trying to ‘control’ me 🙄 I have a big thing about being listened to, because in my past relationship, I wasn’t at all. So now my ocd has taken this to the extreme. One slight thing I’m not sure about, my brain goes to ‘he shouldn’t have done that’ ‘why would he want to annoy me’ ‘a good person wouldn’t like annoying me’ ‘maybe he’s not good then.’ I don’t know how to get out of black or white thinking, or whether I am valid in not wanting certain things and maybe he’s not listening to me or respecting me? That was very hard to write, because he is respectful and listens to me 😩 when I say don’t do that, I expect to be listened to and that thing never happen again. But they are such little things, and new things come up all the time, I don’t think he can keep up. Or am I making excuses for him? I don’t know😩 it’s like I need someone to tell me if what he’s doing is normal or not. If I’m stressed, sometimes he’ll jokingly pat me on the head, but I hate that, it just makes me more annoyed. Sometimes he hugs me too tightly and I feel resistance when I try and let go. That one makes me feel controlled, but really, it might be he just really misses me. I’m so scared I’m ignoring signs or red flags. I know in my mind I’m not, but I have to be listened to end of, otherwise I can’t relax. (Comments that say ‘that’s not good’ or something like that will just REALLY trigger me , thanks 🙏🏻)

I’m having a really difficult time and was hoping someone could give me guidance/advice on how to deal with this? It’s tricky because I know ocd is playing a part but there is actually a moral issue here and I feel extra trapped in this. Basically, my dad had this girlfriend when I was a kid who he was engaged too. She had this dog who I fell in love with and the dog actually came to live with us instead of her townhouse because he could roam freely at our house. Long story short, they broke up when I was 16 and the dog stayed here. The dog was never trained and had a lot of behavioral issues, and my dad was so terrible at handling them, plus I think the dog reminded him of his ex. Anyway, he treated the dog so horribly. He’d lose his temper so often, and if the dog wouldn’t come inside, he’d just leave even if it was bad whether because he had this mindset of his life not revolving around the animal. That’s eventually how the dog died, he accidentally was hit by my dads truck. I know my dad felt awful about it, because he never would’ve wanted that, but it still happened because he wouldn’t take care of the dog. I think the dog was sick, probably Lyme disease, and he needed help, and I didn’t do nearly enough to help him. I didn’t know how to get him to the vet as my dad really wouldn’t do it, I’m disabled, and like I said, he had lots of behavioral issues and was a biter. I was scared and just felt frozen. I feel like such an awful person. I didn’t do enough to help him, both in terms of his health and to get my dad to treat him well. On top of that, my dad has always been my best friend, and now I feel like an awful person for that as well. Nothing excuses what happened, but it’s been years and I don’t know how to handle it now. I feel like I need to tell everyone but that feels like a compulsion but also I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I do that and I’m just suffering from guilt and anger and I’m upset this ever happened and my dad ever did something like that and I don’t know what to do because this one is genuinely bad and I loved that dog and everything in my life today feels like a lie.