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Hello, I have something called sexual ocd (I’ve been diagnosed). I get images of me and this one guy doing sexual things and I get a groinal response from it. It makes me feel like I want to engage in sexual activity with him and it feels like I like it and that I’m attracted to him. But I have a boyfriend and it just makes me feel guilty and confused. I feel like I’m choosing the guy over my boyfriend. Please help, I need reassurance.

I’m worried that because of all my comparisons between me liking my bf and fearing only being a lesbian instead of bi I actually want to date a woman and not a man. Like it feels convincing. I’m scared I’m gonna be unfulfilled in the future and have to live with my decision when I know I’d be happy with him. He is my best friend and a wonderful partner and I love him so why am I so scared. Maybe it’s cuz of my mom’s divorce. I’m worried we’re gonna build years of a life togteher just for me to regret my decision and leave him for a woman. I don’t wanna do that Help

I suffer from a really bad case of ROCD. I am constantly afraid to do anything wrong towards my boyfriend and our relationship, such as cheating, lying, or hiding things, and my compulsion is to talk to him about those doubts. I once used to think that acting on these compulsions was in both of our best interests, but I now understand that it is not his responsibility to take this weight out of my shoulders, and this time, truly in both of our best interests, I fight myself daily so that at least one of us can be free and most importantly, happy. For the sake of my relationship, lately, I've tried my best to hide my pain and as my main goal for this year's, I promised to try my best. But it is a really hard and time-consuming task for me to do on a daily basis. I crave the need to talk to him and this feeling is eating me alive. It is preventing me of living the life I deserve and it is confining me to my own daily prison. At the moment, my only yet, so small little relief is to write my thoughts on this app. I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I indeed do not need to disclose anything and everything to my boyfriend, as I am not doing anything wrong. Instead, i know i’m trying my best to do everything right.

I’m struggling so much right now because I feel like OCD is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. I have an amazing partner who I love and care about truly I couldn’t wish someone better for me. But my ocd makes it impossible to be around him. Every time I’m being with him I hear voices in my head that say I don’t love him or I’m being attracted to someone else and having images in my head getting intimate with someone else. Or when we get intimate a voice tells me to picture someone else to his place. This genuinely makes me sick to my stomach because I love him more than anyone and I feel so disgusted of myself and I feel like I don’t deserve to be with him. I even feel bad when he touches me because cause I feel so ashamed and disgusted of what my mind is capable of. And I’m so devastated because earlier I didn’t have problems like this and my favorite thing was being with him and now I feel like it’s all ruined and it will never get better. Anyone struggling with something similar?

It's hard for me to accept myself as trans and stop questioning my identity, since OCD has been a hindrance since the beginning. I hadn't felt completely like a woman for a while, but the first time I questioned being trans, OCD made me feel really bad. Over time, I've come to understand myself better, but OCD has always made the process difficult. I still have intrusive thoughts that I'm a different gender, mainly because I'm gender fluid and my identity isn't stable. Now that I've found out and told other people, intrusive thoughts tell me that I'm lying and making it all up. But I didn't feel so good about myself until I found out I was trans. It was and still is a difficult process, but I'm learning to deal with OCD and accept myself better.

TW: Real Event I don't think I have OCD as this behavior was too extreme. That and I had stopped taking my Lexapro because I was worried about lacking anxiety would lead to immorality, which it did. I was in the bathroom at work using the toilet and the second to last stall in the employee bathroom and then someone came in and i was aware of it, I wiped but was strangely lethargic and then got up but didnt fully put up my pants and underwear. the guy goes to wash his hands and stuff and at first I was going to be brave and come out too but then for WHATEVER reason trying to gauge where he is and if he came closer to me, so i try to look from the crack by craning my neck but then im aware of my pants and underwear and look a few more times before pulling them up to my upper thighs situation and tried to pull the underwear a bit more up but its like elastic and doesnt really move but then i remain there and I just... cant stop trying to see where they are from the crack. My mind was begging me to pull them up and I was brushing it off, like I will be in the situation longer! I keep trying to see and then I think about my exposure. I almost rolled my eyes to myself basically, and moved my hips to the side to show to myself that even in doing that the angle doesn't expose/nothing is visible. But he was still there, washing his hands and I was more scared he was really watching I thrusted close to the front and right at the crack like in a "oh, are you watching!?" Way? But then I was like wait that was insane and too much. And then I stood there, thinking about the situation. My mind thought about walking out like that, voyeurism, etc all sorts of horrible things and I was like "it's okay because I'm just in here" and turned slightly to their direction and felt gross. I think I also put my hand on top of the stall door to see if they were watching but it's unclear. I had my phone in my hand and finally saw it was almost time for my meeting and he was STILL in there. I then put on my underwear and pants properly, flushed and got everything and that was when they finally seemed to get ready to leave and did some stuff and then left before me. Immediately it all hit me and I felt sick. Why would I do something like this? I'm such a deviant. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone, but I feel so guilty. I wanted to find the guy and apologize, and what's worse is that day someone even called me a good person but it's like look what I do! I acted on the thoughts!

it feels like i want to be a boy. i really dont i keep having these what i hope to be false feelings and they suck. oddly enough they make me feel more like a girl again so its a weird win win situation. i want to be fine again i wanna be that girl again. it just feels like i’ll never be and i just have to be a boy i hate it all

So I watched this movie now I have intrusive thoughts about deformed body parts it's awful. I was thinking how awesome our body's are how it's constructed. Then I had an intrusive thought what if ur privates were on ur arm, leg or face and I've jus been depressed because who has these thoughts other than psychos

Whenever I'm around my mom, she starts singing romantic songs (idk why) and I feel like she's singing that for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes and I started doubting and panicking that whether she's into me or not, whether she's bi or not. She behave in such a way that it feels like she's into me (I swear). Idk how to find out, some of you might say it's because of OCD but why do she sings romantic songs only when I'm around? That makes me feel very anxious. Yesterday, she was again singing some romantic song and then I leave that please, and then she started staring at me as if she's singing it for me and why I'm leaving. I swear I'm very paranoid because of this, the way she behaves, overreacts sometimes, blush etc makes me feel like something beyond the platonic love, I can't handle this. Please someone tell me if it's normal for mom's or not, does it mean she's into me? I'm very scared and anxious right now. Somebody please help me to know (and don't suggest to go for uncertainty as you all know it doesn't work and I would definitely go for uncertainty if it's about someone else, but it's about my own mom, so don't suggest me that)

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months. I remember having chemistry before something actually happened between us but as soon as it did, the spark was gone for me. I also remember that since the beginning, it bothered me that conversation wasn't as easy between us and we spent several moments in silence. But the thing is that i didn't see him as a friend. I liked him, hell i still do. I was just looking for an emotional connection that never came for me and now i think that my obsessive doubts were the thing that prevented me from feeling something more and enjoying myself altogether. Now i miss him, but i feel like he should be with someone that reciprocates his feelings. I had just lost my grandpa when we got together and he was really supportive. Actually, during those 5 months, this is the most i've ever been actively loved by another human being. Also, it was my first ever legitimate relationship. He was patient, loving and super understanding. I'm 22. A week after we started dating, when we hadn't even said we were official yet, i was having these doubts about my feelings towards him already. So i told him, in an attempt to not waste his time. He said that it was too soon and that we just have to see how it goes between us. In general, i really like being honest and brutally so, because otherwise i feel like i'm deceitful and can't stand living with myself. I would tell a white lie about liking someone's new hairstyle but when it comes to intrusive thoughts and doubts about serious things, i can't lie. After 3 months, i told him i still didn't have feelings for him and that i needed to be honest with him. He said he sees otherwise by my actions but i genuinely didn't feel in love. I had fun though most of the time. We almost broke up that day because i felt like there was no point in continuing and the thoughts were making my body feel immense anxiety that i had to somehow stop. After that, even though we didn't break up, i had one of the worst weeks of my life. I would be waking up by 'voices' telling me to break up and creating scenarios of me doing it. I couldn't eat, sleep, exist. I felt like my body was shutting down. In the end, the feeling faded and we decided that i needed to just experience the relationship and not think about anything else. I achieved that for a bit by dismissing my thoughts, but at month 4, all the obsessive and intrusive doubts came back and suddenly i felt trapped in the relationship, like we had nothing to talk about even though that's not entirely true and that there was no point into continuing. I set mental dates that i would be breaking up with him that would change overtime and didn't engage in sex, because i felt like that would be deceiving him. Staying in the relationship felt like deceiving him. Even though i had confessed my doubts a lot of times. There still was no emotional connection for me and my attempts to create one didn't work because i was forcing it. The fact that we didn't like all the same things or had the same hobbies suddenly was such an obstacle for me, even though i know we aren't supposed to date our clones. I also have an immense fear of death and not making the right decisions before it happens. So that made me question the relationship more. I couldn't keep feeling anxious and obsessed with doubt anymore, for my own well-being. So i broke up. The first two days i felt such peace, the contrast between that level of anxiety and the post break up situation was immense. But then i started breaking down. I miss him and can't picture him with someone else, but still feel like even if we got back together, i wouldn't be able to bury the thoughts and wouldn't enjoy myself, hurting him and myself once again. Do you think this is some type of avoidance, rocd, a mix of the two or actually lack of compatibility and connection? I can't help daydreaming about us meeting again and trying again under different circumstances. I know he's a catch. Maybe i'm grieving the potential of the relationship instead of the actual one? Either way i feel like my confusion hurt him enough already, despite his patience. He still wants to get back together though. If you read all this, thank you for your patience. It felt kind of relieving writing it down, so i used you as a human diary.

Hello all, I have been in ERP for a while now, but I have come to the realization that it is not working because I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I am doing it in order for the thoughts to go away. What do I do?

I’m in a new-ish relationship. I’m so happy and so in love… but lately I’ve been getting panic attacks (especially at night) because suddenly I’ll question if I really love them or want to be in this relationship even though it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s the first real healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. Why is this happening and how do I stop this? It depressing me and making me so anxious I feel sick sometimes.

I'm having awful stomach pain and nausea and it's really worrying me and scaring me

So unfortunately not only does NOCD not cover my insurance but in my entire state there’s only 2 therapist that accept my insurance and both of which aren’t accepting anyone atm. But currently do have a psychiatrist who has been working on helping me find someone. Anyway I show a lot of signs of disorganized attachment(had a lot of child hood abuse ) and was diagnosed with ocd years ago from prior therapy. My question is both DA and rocd overlap and have very common similarities. I was wondering if there’s any way to differentiate it if possible which will help me work on the issue. I’m not sure if “fixing it” is approached the same way or if there’s separate type of therapy for each issue. Also as far the attachment issues , no matter what I research weather Google, Reddit , and or other resources they all basically say “get a therapist “ “meditate “ and “be cognitive of ur behavior”. Neither of those actually discuss real realistic fixes. Obv I can’t get therapy, I’m super aware of my feelings if not too much aware and meditating doesn’t help at all. I currently have adhd and depression and I’m taking lexapro which doesn’t seem to be helping either. I’ve tried alot of ssris and lexapro was the only one to some what help. I’m extremely exhausted and now that I’m in the most healthiest relationship I’ve ever been I’ve literally been losing my mind. Nobody will help me because of my insurance and my job doesn’t pay enough for me to pay out of pocket.

I hate when my intrusive thoughts don’t cause anxiety because it makes me feel like they may be true. But then it causes anxiety that there is none

Hi everyone! I wanted to maybe gain perspective and advice from other peoples experience with rocd and how it has affected their relationship with their partner. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years now and this has been my longest relationship. I’ve been in two other relationships but very short term and I am always the one to end things. I know for a fact that my Rocd enhances our problems but I also know that my boyfriend has also made certain mistakes that would make me question whether or not I can forgive him or not. Long story short, before my boyfriend and I became official (we were dating for two months) he had messaged another girl that he had gone on a date with before me. He asked her why she had never responded about getting something she had left in his car (it was legos she had brought for them to do on their date). My boyfriend has been very honest about many things before but for some reason I just cannot get past this. I overthink it like crazy and I think it’s valid to an extent. His explanation is that before we had met, he had gone on a couple of dates with other girls before me from a dating app (which is where we also met). He said he only ever went out with girls who asked him out first and never really liked them but did like the attention they gave him. I understand this bc I’ve kinda done the same before, just casually going on dates even though I know I don’t see much with them or don’t really find them attractive, so I believe him. I guess with this girl in particular she asked him out and he agreed. He said she looked very different in person and found the things she did on the date unattractive. But she had asked him out on a second date while still on the first date and he agreed to be nice. I guess the next day he pretended to be sick bc he wasn’t really looking forward to going but she insisted and said she didn’t care if he was sick, so he saw her again. He said they never did anything physical and that during the dates he could tell she wanted him to kiss her but he didn’t want to. Hearing all this did give me some sort of reassurance but the part I don’t understand is this: after the second date I guess the girl had began texting him dry and he had asked her “hey are you still interested, I promise it would not hurt my feelings at all” and then said said she was not ready to be in a relationship. My boyfriend told me when she said that he felt relieved bc he didn’t have to be the one to cut it off first and supposedly even asked her that so that SHE could be the one to cut it off first since he thought she could feel insecure if he just ghosted her. Idk to me that doesn’t seem TOO believable. Anyways, I guess like a week later he noticed the stuff in his car and messaged her saying if she still wanted it or not. This gave me tons of obsessive thoughts bc that’s such a common thing for guys to do when they want to see a girl again. He’s told me so many times that he promises it was not to try and see her bc he liked her or anything. He said it was part of the Lego thing she brought that she has really liked and he said he doesn’t like to throw peoples things away. I partially believe him bc to this day he has stuff in his car that he will now throw away, like this little toy that his one of his friends, even though it’s literally just plastic and he hasn’t seen that friend in years. ANYWAYS. he did eventually admit to me that he did also partially think that once he gives her stuff back that she’s going to see him and try to message him again. He said never wanted her or even liked her but that thought did also cross his mind bc of his ego, but that regardless the main reason was to give her her stuff back or even just leave it somewhere for her. ANYWAYSSSS, I guess when he reached out to her to see if she wanted it back (btw this is all before evening knowing me) she never replied back to him and I guess left him on read. He said when this happened he thought it was weird bc they left off on good terms. He started thinking “did I do anything weird” and then began to think “now it looks like she’s the one who cut me off” and he told me that it bothered him even though he didn’t care that they weren’t talking anymore and never wanted her as a girlfriend or anything. But anyways, he said he threw her stuff away and had forgotten about it. I realize I did NOT make this long story short hahah but I promise this is the end of the story. Fast forward to him meeting me: he genuinely pursed me like no other man ever. And I was the only girl hes ever asked out before in his life so that makes me feel reassured, I’ve even seen messages that he sent about me to his best friend (with his permission) saying that I was “perfect and that he actually feels something for me and is insanely pretty” literally days after meeting me. I guess he had never said anything like this with the other girls he had gone out with and also cut them off first (they tried reaching out to him but he ignored them/rejected them) I know this bc some of the girls even reached out while he was dating me and he would block them. Also this is probably important to mention: he was planning on moving to another city (we live in Southern California and he was going to move up north) with his friends and made an agreement to find a place up there with them. This agreement was before we met so during the beginning of dating he told me he is moving. We were dating in the month of July and he was supposed to move in October so he said asked me if things work out if I would consider long distance and I said yes. However, we didn’t become boyfriend and girlfriend until mid September and by the end of October he decided to not move anymore so he could stay with me (I could not move with him). During that weird time of dating but basically treating each other like bf and gf is when he reached out to that girl again. He told me he was at work and was near the area where she lived (he had just gotten a job as an Amazon driver at the time) and remembered what had happened. He said during this time (around end of august) he had been struggling on whether to commit to me or to start pulling away from me bc around this time is when he was falling in love with me. There was a conversation we had but I’m not sure if this was before or after he messaged her, but I remember telling him I’m not so sure if I can do long distance anymore bc I feel uncomfortable with him moving away (he was moving back to the city he had used to live at where he met all his friends). I felt uncomfortable bc that is where he met his ex gf and it’s a very small town. His ex gf is a wholeee another story though (he broke up with her bc she was cheating on him with other women and was supposedly lesbian but not the point haha). This might’ve been the reason he was willing to message that other girl but I’m not too sure about that. But the point is he messaged her bc he thought that we just weren’t going to end up together so him messaging her wouldn’t affect me. But he even said on top of that he never wanted her over me and never wanted her at all. I’ve asked him so many times if he had maybe just a casual crush on her and he says no every time and just wanted that closure that he wasn’t cut off due to lack of interest. He asked her why didn’t didn’t get her stuff back and she responded and apologized and said she was “being weird”. After, he responded saying “I could’ve just left it for you, we didn’t have to see each other” and then she said “I felt that too much time has passed and that point didn’t care enough to get it back”. My boyfriend says that’s all that he was looking for but then the girl tried messaging him after that, trying to make conversation. He told me that this is where he messed up bc he was in the mindset that he has to leave me and also still wanted to certainty that she didn’t cut him off bc she stopped liking him, which he has apologized for. So they had a small conversation, mainly just her asking him life updates like where he is working now and then him replying to her. I asked him if he had felt something or wanted something of her during this and he said no and that it genuinely felt like messaging a friend, but admitted to me that he did throw something in the conversation just to solidify that he wasn’t rejected. He said he had mentioned a concert that was going to take place in November (mind you he was supposed to leave in October). He said that deftones was coming and then said “would you go?” To her. He’s told me over and over that he was scared to tell me this bc he was scared how I was going to interpret it, especially bc of my ocd (he admitted all this once we were official official). He said all he wanted was that confirmation that she had liked him back then and he said he wasn’t rejected by her either, but she responded back asking when the concert was and he told her and she “that she couldn’t go bc she was going to be in Vegas during that time. He said he knew she was telling the truth bc he remembers her telling him her birthday was in November and that’s supposedly why she was going to Vegas. He said after that she was still trying to make convo with him and he thought during all this that he didn’t want to lose me and knew it looked bad even though he “had no bad intention or didn’t intend to actually do anything with her”. After he said he stopped messaging her first even though she still kept continuing conversation. I apologize for how long this is omg! I just have NEVER wrote it all out before…. Geez I guess now THIS is nearing the end: Now mind you, I never caught my boyfriend doing anything bad or saw it on his phone, he came to me and wanted to tell me but was always scared due to my ocd and knew I would latch onto it. So at first we would tell me little bits of the story which I did not like. But he was scared of losing me and I actually did break up with him before when I first heard about it. Now fast forward into our relationship, we got back together bc this is the only thing he’s ever done wrong and I tried to just forgive him and continue being with him bc I KNOW he genuinely loves me wholeheartedly. BUT, my obsession over this was not letting it go. So I actually reached out to the girl bc I wanted to see if her story matched up with his….and it did, like completely. I asked her what she remembered when he messaged her during that time and told her we had been seeing each other. She was very nice about it and said: “No I promise you he didn't try to pursue me in any type of way or anything. I would've most definitely found you somehow and snitched on him if he did LOL. Anthony is a good guy, if you're into it i say do it. I think when he asked me that he was genuinely just curious be i kinda had just disappeared outta nowhere but that was genuinely it. I totally get why that would've made you feel some type of way tho so im sorry for that. But trust he's definitely loyal bc i remember one time before that when you guys were first dating im assuming i sent him a tiktok and he blocked me on tiktok and snap after but not my number so i was like wtf what's going on and then he said he had a gf and i said i completely understand that so. I would send u the messages but i got a new phone in February. I hope this is a good enough response tho<3” This is literally copy and pasted haha. But once I reached out to her I felt a lot better that maybe what my boyfriend is saying might be true bc even she didn’t take it as flirty. So then I asked her about him bringing up the concert and this was her response(also copy and pasted lol) : “I don't even remember what we said about a deftones concert ngl 😭 yeah tbh i did anthony rlly dirty (something i regret and feel terrible about i was going thru it at the time and didn't know how to cope with my emotions LOL) but he probably just wanted closure bc there was absolutely no explanation given to what I did. I'm glad u reached out to me tho if it was bothering you and i do apologize for that. We had a small conversation afterwards just like a life update kind of thing but even after the conversation he said to not text him again. I'm sure he really loves you and you have nothing to worry about luv. I wish you guys nothing but the best as a couple and individually” This has left me so puzzled bc even she didn’t even remember the concert being brought up which is obviously making my ocd spiral. Not to mention how great my boyfriend has been before even being my boyfriend AND throughout our entire relationship. While I do get reassurance knowing that she reached out to him and he was the one to put an end to it, I still can’t help but overthink the stuff in between like why he even cared to want closure or confirmation about her feelings towards him back then. BUT on the other hand, there are things that I am guilty of too, maybe not to a certain extent but the thoughts and temptations I’ve had make me understand him somewhat. During us dating, I remember also being tempted so interact with a guy that had followed me on Instagram. He had been a crush of mine a long time ago and would like my selfies on my stories sometimes. I remember thinking that if he messages me I can message back and it wouldn’t be cheating or anything bc I know I like the guy I’m with more than him (since he wasn’t my bf yet) but ultimately that didn’t happen so I was never tempted. I also would sometimes go to this specific cafe with my friend bc we loved it there BUT it was also bc this barista in particular would give us attention and compliment us, even letting us play our music there. He eventually asked for our Instagram and I remember giving it to him and then thinking “I just won’t follow back” which I didn’t. I have other little instances like this but they seem so minor compared to what my boyfriend did. And even though he wasn’t my boyfriend, there was an understanding that we weren’t talking to anyone else. And he wasn’t! That’s why I’m so on the fence about this situation, like was she just an exception or genuinely is he telling the truth that it was just about the circumstance and him being careless thinking that he couldn’t be with me anyways. ALSO I even asked him if he knew he still had her on tiktok and he said no, that there were other people on there that he had no idea about ….which I’m partially skeptical of but he admitted this also might’ve happened bc he didn’t take enough precautions as he should’ve in the beginning but also did purposely unfollow people if they popped up on his FYP and noticed (he’s literally also not on any social media at all, he just had a tiktok that he wouldn’t go on that much bc we also were hanging out almost every single day) so idk. But to be fair I left people on my ig and tiktok before bc I know I don’t care about them. Even on Spotify I remember adding songs to a playlist I made with another guy (before we became official) bc I literally did see him as just a friend and had no other form of contact with him. My boyfriend said he also stopped messaging that girl while still thinking that we might not work out but wanted to still see where things go between us and not make anymore mistakes in case. Also I promise I don’t mean this in a mean way at all but I also don’t feel that this girl is above me in terms of look. I’ve asked him if this was bc he felt attraction to her and he said he only thought she was an average pretty girl through pictures but in person she did not look like that and felt unattracted to certain things about her, he told me she even messaged him after the first date asking him if she catfished him (probably jokingly) but he said that it was true but said no to her to be nice. I’ve literally asked my boyfriend about her looks even to test him and see if he would tell the truth or get the description right, and he always seems to tell the truth. I’ve even looked at pictures of her myself and don’t believe there is any competition there (I know this sounds like I have a big ego but it’s just bc I know what features my boyfriend is attracted to and she lacks most of it) and he said that there was a time when they were eating somewhere on one of the dates and she saw people from her school and told him and he said he didn’t want people to think that they were boyfriend and girlfriend partially bc he thought she wasn’t that attractive and also bc he didn’t see anything serious with her. He said that on the second date with me he hated that he noticed guys looking at me and said that if he didn’t like me or find me attractive then he would’ve not cared. So sometimes I feel reassured by that, he even said I was the only girl that made him nervous and he always promises to me that he thought I was tue prettiest girl he has ever seen and wanted to compliment me but thought that I get that all the time that I probably don’t care. This made me think maybe it is about her personality then. I asked if maybe this was an emotional thing that happened bc he liked her personality or humor and he said what happened wasn’t driven at all by her looks nor her personality. He said it could’ve been ANY of the girls he went out with and said that other girls were even more attractive than her but still didn’t find them that attractive either. He says he promises he only wanted that relief and ego boost during that conversation and said he would’ve never seen her nor wanted to. He even said that it felt like he was hanging out with a guy when he went on the two dates with her. When I messaged that girl, I told her to please tell me the truth since my boyfriend wants to marry me and she literally encouraged me to marry him so I’m just always confused. I also become obsessed with his intention about bringing up the concert to her and if he even knew he would be for sure gone by then bc I had mention plans to him in November asking if he would still be here and sometimes he would say there’s a 50/50 chance due to his friends being ready to move or not. So I get scared that he just brought up the concert bc he slightly was interested in going with her if me and him don’t work out. I also get so anxious being without him but I also find myself resenting him at times bc I had temptations too but never acted on it. He is also having such a hard time with this. Every day he comes home to me and I NEVER worry about if he’s doing something wrong or if there’s another girl EVER. We don’t live together but it sure does feel like it, he would never choose other plans over me. He even introduced me to his grandparents the first week we met, something he’s never done with another girl, not even his ex. I know this seems like I’m seeking reassurance but I genuinely just ask if anyone had advice or insight maybe from a similar situation then I would love to hear it! I’ve told this story before to family members and friends (which I know confessing is a ritual) thinking they would tell me to leave him. I was even scared to write this all out bc I think that if I were someone else I would think that I should leave him even though I don’t want to. I just want to know if this is unforgivable or if I CAN even forgive him now that my ocd has latched onto it bc even if I would never think she’s better than me or a threat and possess qualities that I know he doesn’t like or finds attractive I still have this irrational fear that there was attraction or he liked her personality bc that’s what happened with him and his ex. He dated someone for 3 years who was bad to him bc her brother passed away and he was taking care of him before he passed. He met his ex through his friends and she also liked and pursued him first (my boyfriend is very to himself and has never been a flirt or anything like that) that’s why it drives me so crazy that this situation even happened. There were even two instances where girls were trying to flirt with him and asked if I had a gf and he shut it down and said yes even when we weren’t official yet and he immediately would tell me too. I even felt stumped bc my boyfriend is an objectively goof looking guy and when I see the other girl in my head I think that there’s no way that he would ever leave me for her (which is sounds so awful and I know beauty is subjective) that’s why I end up questioning him and begging him to tell me the truth over and over and then I think try to convince myself that maybe she is better than me (even though I would never think so outside of this circumstance) It sucks bc I don’t even obsess about other girls looks or find myself jealous all the time or insecure of another girl. It usually only happens bc of a guy :( and I don’t want my boyfriends mistake to make me hate him but I fear that this is what’s happening. Not to mention he is literally paying for my ocd therapy and even found a specialist for me, he cooks for me and does everything to make sure I feel safe and loved and irreplaceable (which I have always felt from him even before this mistake) He says in the end all he cares about is my happiness and has asked me to go through the ocd therapy first before deciding whether we should break up or not bc I’ve tried before and then during the break up I want to get back with him and he is always waiting for me with open arms. He is also such a forgiving person to bc I’ve done something to him out of spite and he’s never thought it up before or held it against me and if I were him I would never forget something like that

So I have been fighting Harm ocd for some time now and everything as far as my Harm OCD has gotten a lot better. I was afraid of hurting my self or someone I loved just over a thought … Harm OCD ruined good job opportunities I’ve had and jobs I worked that I had to leave because of the thought I would have . I worked for a Roofing Company for 3 years.. during those 3 years I struggled with harm ocd on the roof. I’ve had thoughts of pushing people off when I seen them close to the edge of the flat roof. I’ve had thought in my head that told me that I needed to push them off to be able to get this fearful thought out of my head every single day once and for all. Thankfully I’ve never hurt anybody on the roof or my self . I also would have thoughts of jumping off the roof and killing my self almost every day at work a few times a day. I didn’t know why I had thoughts like this.. I constantly doubted and thought anything of it but it scared me so bad that I had to leave my job . The girl I was with questioned me a lot and I tried to explain it to her but was scared she would leave me … fast forward a bit.. I had another incident not to long later after leaving that job when me and my lady was laying together on my mothers couch. It was me and her together on the couch with her laying on my chest and my 2 twin brothers in the living room as well sleeping on the other couches. I was watching videos of people being interrogated about murders they have committed on YouTube. I was watching it to long apparently in my head that I started to have thoughts of hurting people . I had a pocket knife on my right side and had the thought of taking the knife out and repeatedly stabbing my girlfriend in the back while she was asleep on me then stabbing my brothers while they was asleep. It scared me so bad I jumped up and pushed her off of me and ran to the bathroom down the hall and locked the door behind me and opened the window and threw the knife out the window so I couldn’t hurt nobody . I then finally realized that I needed help.. I told my lady about it and started to talk to my family about what I have been thinking and the thoughts in my head that cause me to be scared to come around my friends and family’s .. It then started to get worse and I didn’t want to surround my self with knives , any type of pills , and guns. My OCD told me to hide all the knives and take them off tables and put them away so I don’t have the thought of hurting someone with it . I also had a hard time doing into federal places like Hospitals or court houses because of the Police officers carrying a pistol on them because I had the thought of taking there guns and shooting them with it and then later my self with it and who ever was around with it . Fast forward 10 months later I got a job that pays good and keeps me busy and I also have a passion for cars lately. I noticed that cars is ruining my relationship but it is just my thoughts and ocd because my lady reminds me that she understands why I try to keep my self busy with cars and watching cars. I constantly stress me self out about how to make money and ways to get money because I’m scared that I won’t be able to provide for my girlfriend and loved ones. Growing up I’ve had a very hard life, in and out of DCF Custody , DYS, programs and Foster homes. My mom lost custody of all her kids a few times and we was homeless for 9 years. I am only 20 years old and suffer from a lot of issues and also my trauma from a child and getting involved with gangs. I recently just found out that I’ve had a kid on the way and a lot of things have been relieved. Lastly I always had ocd and stress and anxiety about the fear of dying with out having any children and for some reason it was causing me to cheat alot and hope 1 day someone told me they was pregnant but I believe everything happens for a reason and that’s why I have a child on the way right now present! the best thing that helped me for the past few years are Keeping my self busy with things I like doing . I go to work from 10am-7:30pm everyday working keeping my mind busy . When I get home is when I start getting thoughts.. what I do to help with that is watch videos of cars and things to keep my mind busy. That has literally been my way of getting rid of these random thoughts and unwanting thoughts.. when I do receive these thoughts of Hurting my self or others I remind my self of the people I love and the kids in my family or even a goal that i have set that I did not get to finish yet. I tell my self that if I did not finish that goal then why am I having thoughts of me doing bad things to my self before I can even complete my goals in life !! It works for me every time I have an episode! Try this and let me know how it goes. I downloaded this app today to see people’s story’s for closure!

This is the longest episode I’ve ever been in whenever I do normal actions sometimes I think I’m just doing the action bc of an intrusive thought LIKE LITERALLY and then my heart drops immediately after I think to myself why do I only panic afterwards? Must mean I meant it and I liked 😃 when it comes to my alone times same thing I move my body when I get intrusive thought and it felt like I MOVED bc of the thought so I immediately panic and I try and remember the thought sometimes I can’t sometimes it’s not as clear this actions only happens in the context of intrusive thoughts ppl say it’s classic ocd i don’t think ocd can get this realistic to the point where I feel like I’m intentionally moving my body bc of the intrusive thoughts I feel sick and evil I’ve never dealt with this problem before I don’t understand myself nor do ik myself

Hey guys, Since one year my life has changed… Am no longer the bright girl but am the girl with ocd.. To the world; I am that successful intelligent girl but to my family members am the disgusting family member fighting a mental illness.. Ocd took so much from me that I no longer know what to do.. Therapy ain’t working and medecine is a big stigma here.. I am currently on my contamination theme.. I thought my falsehood was bad but then came contamination.. I feel so dirty and disgusted by myself and pity myself.. I went to the mall today.. everyone seems happy except me.. I felt anxious.. panicky.. depressed and felt like running away.. I saw kids with parents and I envy the fact that am never gonna have one of those cause my ocd will never let me.. I will be scared of them and I will never want them to be a collateral to my sufferings.. People were touching everything there.. I wasn’t able to open the door.. I came home everyone went to sleep!! I sat on the sofa feeling dirty and had to shower again and again.. After each toilet use I need to shower .. I feel everything is poppy dirty and can’t even sleep in my room.. I sleep in a guest room with a fan and it is super hot while I got my ac in my own room.. i feel my parents r disgusted with me.. they no longer talk to me well or acknowledge my pain.. OCD took my life away from me.. took my ability to love a kid.. is depriving me of my beautiful life; my parents love and this beautiful world.. I hope that one day there is some kind of cure for ocd coz this condition is real and painful.. I just needed to share my feelings!! Good night everyone; I am off to sleep hoping the bully sleeps as well