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i need advice but long posts usually scare people away

Hello all! Yesterday I had another event, and I recognized it immediately and was able to calm down a bit. Unfortunately it's still on my mind today, but I realize how absolutely silly it most likely is. Most people would shrug something like this off and move on; so I'm going to just move on. OCD really tries to grab and pull me away from experiencing life. Yes, unpleasant or gross things will happen, you will do those things, and there is no sense in hiding away in a locked room all day in fear of those things happening. If you do that, you miss life.

Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.

I haven’t started ERP yet. But just curious from others who have, How do you sit with compulsions when they’re mental compulsions? Or just “let them pass”? It seems it’s going to be impossible since none of my compulsions are physical/tangible 😓

Very brief mentions of pocd and nsfw jokes,id like this to be adults only . Repost bc i had to edit something Does anyone have experience with real event ocd attached to your online footprint etc? I keep checking old messages,trying to find old people i knew i used to talk to etc. To find out every problematic thing I did and if I've ever been unfollowed or blocked by anyone I used to be friends w online/atleast on good terms w. I am particularly concerned abt doing something bigoted,esp racist bc i have racism ocd,and doing something predatory bc of my pocd. I remember hanging around people who could use 'edgy' or offensive humour in my teens and i remember a lot of sex jokes and that i would join in on sex jokes sometimes . i dont remember details w the offensive humour as much,i feel like i didnt join in on it as much but i was definitely WAY passive abt things and prob let a lot of bad stuff slide i shouldnt have bc i didn't speak up it was wrong,I remember one friend in an online community would say slurs and horrible jokes when i was 16. I dont remember my response to it as much but i feel i didnt speak up abt it aside one time i found in the dms where he made a bad joke on a thing i shared for social justice. I cant stop going thru old messages and stuff or trying to find ppl from the past. I feel like if I don't check it now,that eventually it'll come to haunt me or that I'll stumble across it eventually. I worry what if someone messaged me on one of these apps I un-installed or on one of the accounts I don't have access to,confronting me abt all this stuff I did. I had an obsession w this back in 2020 and did check in depth on all my accounts,but now that it's been 4 years the obsession is back in full swing.

As some of you might very seen from my (spam) posts about my situation I'm not diagnosed with ocd but I'm seeing a local counselor. I'm terribly scared of being secretly in love with someone else or being attracted to someone else outside my relationship, in this case S (if you want a more detailed version u can see my other posts). Long story short: The psychologist confirmed my fear and told me not to think about the thoughts until the next appointment and live in the present ( if it was that simple I would've done it already). Safe to say it sent me and still sending me into a big spiral where I had this big panick attack because I feel the world shattered and my fear is true and then I was just faking everything and not accepting it and it's making me fee so bad as I type this. I had a big panick attack while going back home and had to sit on the sidewalk because I couldnt breathe and was about to throw up. I don't know what to do and if someone has advice I'd be glad to listen.

I’ve been with my partner for about 7 years. I thought I was over the ROCD for a while. But I’ve been under a lot of stress. I’m moving in with him next week, but I lost my job due to severe anxiety and depression affecting my job. (I hated working there) It’s been stressful trying to find another job while moving and I’ve noticed I would occasionally get intrusive thoughts, but I managed to ignore them, especially with the help of medication. However just today I went shopping for groceries and this stranger asked for my number and called me cute. I can’t lie it was flattering but I rejected him and confirmed I had a partner and it was serious. He was very friendly about it and I went home. But now I’m getting these intrusive thoughts like “You want him instead of your partner.” “You’d rather be with him.” “You felt flattered so you want to be in a relationship with him instead and cheat on your partner or break up with your partner.” It’s been so hard since coming back home because while I was flattered, my brain keeps thinking I’ve cheated for some reason or want to cheat or break up with my partner. For reference, I’m demisexual which means I don’t have any attraction until I develop a strong emotional connection with someone. So I wasn’t attracted to this stranger but I keep thinking I am? I really hate this because I love my partner so much and I thought I was over all of this. Any advice when a flare up like this happens? I assume it’s a flare up because I hate how real it feels, it makes me feel sick with anxiety.

I'm going through a rough time. I used to think medication would brighten my world, but if anything, it's muted it. The physical anxiety is less, and I felt okay(ish) for a while, but things are getting bad again. I'm so afraid I'll never get to a point where I feel safe in my body and in my mind. Today is the first day I've cried in... I don't know how long. But I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. Initially, I did, but it morphed into dread, and now I'm sitting by myself, trying not to panic. I really want to begin seeing a therapist for OCD, but I don't know how much my insurance covers. There's just so much on my mind right now. A whole bunch of old themes are resurfacing. I wish I could've been given a different path in life. I'm trying to stay strong. It's just really difficult. I feel like I'm being sent back to square one :(

I just completed a check in with my therapist today so naturally I reflected on my journey with OCD. Summer/Fall of 2023 feels like a swath of darkness. Bombarded with horrible intrusive thoughts, I thought my life was over. I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hated myself. Life lost meaning for me and it felt as if every hope and dream was shattered. Needless to say my life was lost to me during a time when I should have been enjoying it the most. I was post grad with a good job lined up. But none of it mattered- my mind was as broken. Thank God, I had some small voice in me that urged me forward and to get help. So I did. I felt so scared and unsure. Was I doing the wrong thing going to therapy? I was not. It was the best decision I made for myself. Fast forward to nearly two years later, my life couldn’t be more different. I see and feel the light. I have so much love and gratitude for myself and for everyone who helped me along the journey. My therapist, my family, all the brave content creators who openly speak about their experiences, no matter how taboo. I won’t lie, it was a lot of work. And I had to learn to be uncomfortable and deal with frustrations. I had to learn to trust myself. I still deal with sticky and intrusive thoughts but my response and my daily life despite them can not be more different. So I am here to be proof to you that there is so much hope. If you don’t have the little voice in you urging you forward, than I will be just that. Go to therapy, get help, put in the work. It is so worth it. Every time there is a setback, and there will be many, push through. Feel free to ask questions! But no reassurance will be given.

My OCD has been terrible the for the past two weeks. I have a fear that I will never be able to get out of the thought loop. I am hyper aware of my thoughts and it disturbs me. I haven’t been able to eat for 10 days. I force myself. I haven’t been able to sleep for more than a couple hours. Then I wake up and ruminate for a couple hours, until I’m exhausted. I’m also afraid I’ll never sleep well again. And I’m afraid I’ll never eat and enjoy my food again. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stop thinking about this enough to enjoy my family ever again.

i woke up with my heart racing this morning. i feel like the Lord wouldn’t treat me that way. i feel guilty and i feel like i just keep messing up at every step in my walk w the Lord. i literally just woke up feeling bad. i hadn’t even done anything. i had just opened my eyes!! i’m glad i got called into work so i can do something to take my mind off of the thoughts.

Sometimes there is doubt about whether you are deep down creating responses through OCD and deceiving yourself. I think we would know if we were in denial. That's why OCD bothers us so much. But even though we might be, look: The fact that you choose to believe anything that you are the person your OCD tells you is proof that you are not. People in denial know they are in denial and just don't care. Look at us complaining about this. There is no way that knot is OCD.I hope you can see the wonderful person you are and have the peace you deserve.🤍

Does anyone find that sometimes they can’t tell if they are feeling better or if they are ruminating or doing internal checks and compulsions to feel better? I sort of go back and forth on this, some days I am really able to let thoughts kind of roll through my head and when I’m doing it right it creates a lot of anxiety in my body, but my mind feels more empty and more quiet but physically people around me can tell I’m in distress. Then Sometimes I think I’m feeling better because the anxiety feeling in my chest is gone and my body feels light and people think I’m in a better mood but then I realize I’m reassuring my self over in my mind and on those days my mind feels so full and loud and like I’m in a battle but those are the days that are easier for loved ones around me. I am a people pleaser on top of this so it’s easy for me to slip into the rumination and internal compulsions to make others around me feel more comfortable. I don’t know if anyone else goes through this kind of back and forth but it’s so draining. Also if anyone has any good material my wife could read to help her understand this stuff more that would be really appreciated

TW My brother came home 4 days ago (I think) from a hospital stay of just over 3 months. In the hospital, he attacked one of the staff and almost k*lled her, in his dysphoric mania. Now he's out of mania, but I'm scared that he'll harm or try to k*ll our pets and/or my mom and dad. Since he's been home, my OCD has flared up badly, and I've started to have panic attacks (leading to seizures and fainting), destroying my lips, and having overstimulation over every little physical sensation. My joint pain is becoming unbearable and the medications aren't working, I may have an autoimmune disorder that could destroy my organs (Lupus), I'm frustrated because walking feels like hell, I keep falling, I keep getting dizzy and seeing stars and I'm just so tired. I can't sleep since my brother came home. Yes, I close my door at night, but I'm still terrified that he will hurt my cat. I've started to hate anything that I've touched with my hands cuz I don't wanna get stuff on my face and I hate the feeling. Yesterday I kept obsessing over whether or not I was cheating, if any of my memories are real, obsessing over if everything is perfect or perfectly in place, and over everything my brother does. I've become paranoid over everything and I'm so tired. Thank you for listening.

My husband and I have hosted karaoke for 7 years. In those years, we’ve worked on our system and do our best to make it fair for everyone. But I had a customer a few weeks ago come up and yell at me about how we don’t follow “DJ etiquette” and how we basically suck at what we do. Well, last night, he came back and was apologizing to everyone (except us) and saying that he was going to be nicer and calmer and blah blah blah. At the end of the night, my husband walked away to use the restroom, and the customer came up and asked if he could talk to me for a minute, and so I stood there and let him give me his “apology” which then turned into more berating (albeit more calm) about how we don’t run things correctly and how he used to run a multi-million dollar DJ business. And I told him that I didn’t want to argue with him, that I was sorry he felt that way, and that my husband and I both have full time jobs and this is just a little part-time gig where we get paid scraps, basically. And he then told me that if we weren’t cut out for this, then maybe it’s time for us to step aside and let the bar hire a real DJ. So now I’m just hurt, sad, and paranoid that I’m going to be blown up all over the Internet and that this is going to carryover into my full time job and somehow get me fired from my full time job. Which is ridiculous, I know, but OCD is just ridiculous sometimes. I love my bar, I love the family that I’ve made there, and I don’t want to leave this job. But part of me thinks he’s right. Any comfort or support would be good right now. Thank you all for listening and letting me rant 💕

- can’t go to sleep without lipgloss on (my body will not let me physically gts until my lips are moisturized ) - can’t drink coke or eat too much junk food without my head telling me im going to get liver failure or stomach cancer from the unhealthy food - feeling like i’m going to have a heart attack (this one i developed from a physical form because they asked me if i had heart problems and i remembered my grandma died from a heart attack) - my head will eat with alive if i don’t scrub my skin hard enough when u shower because i cannot have dead skin - feeling forced to drink water (i quite literally feel like i’m dying off the slightest feeling of thirst) - diagnosing every single body sensation ( im convinced i have over 30+ diagnoses) - having a bad grade ( it hurts my chest literally) - being mean (i swear the energy comes back to me and haunts me for life) - finding a solution to literally everything (it hurts not to know the real) - fear of smoking (this is probably the stupidest thing ever but i’m afraid of catching an obsession from smoking then dying from it..) - having kids (just what if my body isn’t good enough and i end up risking me n the child’s life ? yk ?) - caramel frappes (i feel like the shittest person ever after drinking one and i feel like IM no longer healthy) - GREASE ( i cannot feel grease in any way while im eating because i will no longer eat the food) - any discomfort in my shoe (i will take it off from the tightness and walk barefoot if i have to) - bra (so since im convinced that there’s something wrong with me , wearing a bra that feels just a tiny bit tight, makes me forget how to breath and suddenly im dying) - my bed/room (my bed must be made and my room must be clean otherwise i cannot focus) - praying (although i don’t pray every night i feel like god thinks i’m a bad person or not worshiping him enough whenever i don’t pray or remember i didn’t) - the bible (i got trauma from it and i feel bad that i got trauma for it so im scared to read it but im scared more of the trauma it caused me) - the doctors (i don’t want any test done to me cus im afraid of something bad but i need reassurance for the sake of my sanity) - the united states of fcking america (i seriously hate living in this country because everything is a lie so i don’t feel safe here) - the food in the united states of fcking america (well mostly everything is processed and even healthy food are being pre waxed so they look “good” and it scares me so i think everything is not healthy) - tik tok (bro i cant with the diagnosis videos anymore) - what ever i do to one thing that has another thing must be done to the other thing or i cant live with myself - my nails ( im not mentally okay if my toe nails are long ..) - everyone except my bf/not bf yet (as a pre psychology student, i study and analyze everyone so i can see everyone’s red flag) - the kids at my school (the drama that has no end but no reason is my 13th reason…) - smells ( you don’t know how fast i can light a candle until you know me) - medication (it gives me more anxiety than my actual anxiety)

hello everyone. my ocd targets a lot of things, including trauma. i just have ocd specialized therapist not talk therapist so i don’t really get to unpack much. I went through a lot of trauma and also seggsual trauma. if anyone is okay to hear what i have to say and give me advice that would be nice :( thank you

Ive been having rough days lately i can't stop crying and i just feel like a mess because of this. I'm posting this because i'm trying to understand whats happening,not in an obsessing way but i genuinly want to understand or i guess feel validaded like i'm not alone since i genuinly fear i'm crazy or i'm the only ones experiencing this and maybe theres something wrong with me. Ive been experiencing groinals for a while around my cats ,at first , the usual i was incredibly scared at the moment. Now i feel different,i do still feel scared but now it feels like i'm causing them. I'm my case i have the urge of doing something about it the moment i get it Now while i do feel scared and try to not be around My cats while i have them,at the same time it feels sometimes that i cause them to feel that sensation which really scares me because i can tell im enjoying it and i can't stop feeling guilty and awful about it. Ive been crying a lot over this and i really fear that this could mean something else Even at some points it felt like the idea seduces me which is also really really scary. I know this isnt like this for everyone but i wanted to know if anyone else experienced this

Idk if im the only one but I've literally just been holed up in my bedroom for the past 3 months and have barely gone out especially in the last 2. I'm too scared to leave and interact with people normally because I feel like a criminal and like someone who doesn't deserve to be around others. But in the same breath, I'm starting to hate my bedroom. It just feels like all my negative emotions are being bottled up and stored in here. I keep telling myself I should go out and take a walk and maybe it will feel better to just be out in the fresh air. But also don't want to because I'm quite lethargic on top of not eating that much either. Just feeling... stuck.

Do you ever feel like people without OCD have an easy time just saying “you need to accept uncertainty” only because they’re not subject to the same level of fear and anxiety as an OCD sufferer would? I feel like they don’t really accept uncertainty, they’re just naturally more certain about things. For example, if you ask anyone whether they think their loved ones are real or not, they will never answer with “maybe, but I’ll never know for sure”. They’ll just say “of course they are”. Isn’t that what certainty is? For me, as I’ve been suffering from existential OCD most of my adult life, such a question absolutely terrifies me. The mere thought of my loved ones and the world not being real sends me into a spiral of anxiety and depression and never ending certainty-seeking behavior. I just can’t stand the thought of that horrible scenario being true. How can one accept uncertainty about such a thought, when it completely undermines all my values and beliefs and world view? Can non-OCD sufferers really accept those nighmarish scenarios? Am I misunderstanding what ERP and therapy is about?