Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Kind of losing hope? I had a really really bad relapse because I saw a naked woman.

TL;DR: ROCD spike, doubts, online therapy? I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown. Pretty sure it's because of my job, which I've been wanting to quit for a year now, and it's a big cause of stress and unhappiness. But until now, that didn't matter when I was home with my partner, or even away (long distance some times) but talking with him. Just him being there made me truly happy. I didn't need anything else. Now I feel super bogged down with issues and anxiety and I'm generally unhappy. And the worst part is this intrusive thought: "if my partner alone is not enough to make me happy, does that mean I don't love him anymore? That I shouldn't be with him?" Just thinking about that makes me wanna stop existing. I don't want to be without him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. But I blame myself so much for not being happy despite being with him. My brain goes like "what if you're falling out of love? That's why you feel unhappy now. If you loved him, you'd be happy like before." Which is crazy. I have a friend who "fell out of love" with her previous partners and I never understood that. My ex actually fell out of love with me. And now I'm like "what if it happens to me too?? What if I start feeling like that, what if it's already happening?!" And I panic so much and feel like utter crap. When I discovered that ROCD is a thing, I was immediately relieved. Like "this makes so much sense. It's a brain issue, it's not a real problem." Because let me make clear, that there is indeed no problem in my relationship. It's just my brain asking "but what if you fall out of love, like your friends did? It can happen for no reason, it happened to them! So maybe it will happen to you!" Now I'm asking myself "but what if it's NOT ROCD and I'm in denial about my 'true' feelings and my 'true' self" and all this "what if" tortures me and I feel so numb all the time, like nothing matters. Like everything is so pointless. I'm away from my partner right now, been on a business trip in another country for 3 weeks by myself. My feelings are mixed because on one hand I miss him so much and I just wanna hug him and cuddle, on the other "what if you still feel numb after you're back? What if you're just lying to him, playing with him?" which I would never do, I hate myself just for thinking of it. I thought I was on my way to recovery because educating myself about OCD helped SO much, but now it's back and I'm like "the fact that it got worse again despite the education means that it's not OCD, it's real." I haven't been personally diagnosed. Perhaps it would be best to seek out a therapist. I've read that therapists who are not experienced with OCD might tell people "maybe that's how you truly feel deep inside" though, and that would probably destroy me. I can't find any therapists specializing in OCD in my area. To anyone who took the time to read this: do you know any online therapists that you can video call with? That would be a tremendous help, I think :)

Does anyone else have environmental allergies? My contamination OCD is specific to stuff I’m actually allergic to. So it’s been hard to treat since it’s hard to tell what level of avoidance of allergens is necessary for physical health vs what’s OCD. To top it off my allergist told me anxiety can lead to releasing extra histamine in the blood stream so I may be experiencing allergy symptoms due to anxiety as well. I was hospitalized recently and did therapy etc and was being brave and decided to do a carpool which I normally wouldn’t do since I’d be worried about a dirty car. I started feeling sick within minutes of sitting down but I told myself it was psychosomatic so I stayed for the whole ride home which was more than an hour. By the end I had lots of trouble breathing. I showered and changed soon as I got home but got sicker over the weekend and then was diagnosed with allergic bronchitis which lasted for weeks and I had to use an inhaler. The point is my contamination fears aren’t illogical. I do need to avoid allergens but it can be hard to tell how much avoidance I need to do. Anyone else in the same boat and has advice?

Today I felt so lost and down. I’ve been making good progress in ocd recovery and last week was the first week in a LONG time I went without having a bad ocd day then this week it’s been kinda rocky. I’m kinda in the pummeling effect of ocd recovery right now where my ocd is throwing anything it can at me and on Monday one of my very old themes flared up and I started getting bad anxiety then I was okay yesterday then today was just bad. I had a scenario in my head of my partner leaving me, hating me, not loving me anymore or caring about me and my Brain was telling me to just leave him when it knows I love him so much and I know it’s irrational and it’s just my brain trying to get at me but it felt so scary then I was feeling guilty and stressed out earlier because of past guilt and it just sucked honestly. I let myself cry instead of holding my emotions in and now I feel better. It felt so real in the moment and now I’m not even thinking about it that’s how I know it’s ocd. pure o it’s so tiring and so is recovery but I know I need to recover not just for myself but for my friends and my partner. I want them to see me recover and see me happier without ocd bringing me down 24/7. I just wanted to make this post to show you that recovery isn’t going to be easy. There’s gonna be those days where you’ll be like “what’s the point” then you’ll remember why you want to recover. Please don’t let yourself get to the breaking point like I did. It took me almost wanting to end my life that I realized I had a serious problem. I’ve been in recovery for about a month now and it was definitely difficult the first few days but my anxiety is starting to lower but like I said, there have been bad days and I’m sure there will be many more bad days during my recovery process but ya know what? it’s worth it. my good days are outweighing the bad. I may have had a small breakdown earlier, I may have gave into compulsions, but that was the first time I’ve gave into compulsions in a month and I am proud of myself for that. I hope this can help some of you get started on your road to recovery. I know it seems scary but it IS okay. ocd is never right please remember that. sending love and positive energy your way <3

OCD unrelated post. For those of you who believe in abrahamic religions, what keeps you believing in God, or what experiences have you had that make you confident that God is real?

I am so scared to start erp with a therapist... I am even scared doing it on my own before that at home. I’m so scared that at the end of it it will make me realize I’m lesbian with all of the exposure. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to lose my bf. ? i don’t want to be a lesbian. I’m so scared. I know it’s how to get better but I’m terrified of it coming true because it feels so real BEFORE ERP already ?

I’m at the point now with HOCD that - If I sit back calmly I notice that while the thoughts and feelings, sensations FEEL REAL... That I don’t personally like or want them. Can’t bring myself to like them. Perhaps that is what OCD is really like.

can therapists lie if the truth would be unbearable to their client? on the very first session, my therapist asked me how i'd feel if it turned out that i only have traits of a disorder but not an actual mental disorder. i replied i wouldn't believe her. that was three years ago, but validity of my OCD and struggles in general is a huge theme for me and when she first diagnosed me with GAD and SAD after a few months, i had a major, three days long episode where i genuinely felt like i was forcefully locked inside my brain and forced to run in loops, because i had gone to her specifically because i knew i had something more than just anxiety. i kept searching and checking to prove that it couldn't be just that. it was an incredibly painful loop. now im paranoid that she has only diagnosed me with OCD because of this. im worried that she might be saying it only to make me happy, because if she said otherwise i would stop collaborating and simply quit therapy. what if she's only playing along so i won't be upset? it seems very realistic because she's always vague and rarely uses clinical terms, even if she knows that i know enough about psychology to understand her if she did use them.

Does anyone suffer from IBS? My doctor thinks I have a b12 definiency and therefore I think I have crohns disease. Since years ago I started having social anxiety and then my bowel system also became fucked. Please let me know bc I'm very worried

[NSFW] hocd or denial? I'm lost and confused... I (m18) have been straight my whole life. I fantasized about girls, only got hard to them, masturbated to them... I've had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she is the most wonderful person ever, and I am attracted to her both romantically and sexually. So, all of it started three years ago. I saw a movie with a gay sex scene and I thought that it must feel pretty good to be at the bottom. Since then, I sometimes (but not often) thought about being on the bottom when masturbating. Although I felt kind of aroused by the thought, I thought it was a simple fantasy or fetish that I have. I tried some stuff to myself down there but I never liked it. I never had a crush on any man, nor have I ever had romantic interest in a man. About 3 weeks ago I really thought about it and I started thinking I was gay. I thought I was gay because I got kind of aroused by thinking about gay sex like this. I thought I wasn't gay because I was never interested in a man and I always had crushes on women but then I thought I was gay because I was aroused by the thought of gay sex. I started to check myself in my head by thinking of gay sex and straight sex to see if I would be aroused, and I looked at some straight porn - and once even gay porn - to see if I would be aroused. I got a bit hard from the gay porn which made me panic. I feel less aroused in general and it feels like my libido has crashed. Now, when I try to masturbate, I sometimes only think about gay sex, which makes me panic more. It feels like I'm losing my love for my girlfriend, and it feels like I'm less attracted to her, both romantically and sexually. It feels like I don't love her, but I do, and then I question everything. I feel like it's harder for me to get aroused by women. I used to imagine snuggling with my gf and falling asleep with her, which usually made me aroused, but now I don't get aroused by that. Worse, if I try to imagine doing the same with a male, I don't get aroused either. I sometimes feel like this isn't hocd (I don't know if I even have ocd, I don't have a therapist) and that I'm just in denial. I feel like I'm only not leaving my girlfriend because I don't want to harm her, and I don't love her, but I do, I love her very much and I always imagined spending my future with her. It feels like I love her and I don't at the same time. I don't know what is going on. Am I gay? Bi? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, she is amazing and wonderful and I want to stay with her and I love her, but I constantly doubt that as well. Am I gay or bi if I fantasize about gay sex and get kind of aroused? Again, I never thought about having a romantic relationship with a male, and I only ever wanted to be with women. The thought used to disgust me but thinking about it now doesn't make me feel anything, but then again, neither does thinking about the same with a woman now, which is making me afraid as well. What should I do?? I'm lost and confused and I don't want to be gay or bi, but I constantly doubt myself. I don't want to leave her, but I question even that thought - do I not want to leave her because I love her or because I don't want to hurt her - which makes me even more lost.

Sorry to trigger but I honestly have never heard or seen of anyone ever to get over "HOCD" or completely get rid of it and that gives me the most hopeless feeling ever

im am so sorry this is a really long and ugly post i dont know if i should try seeing a psychiatrist. i've been in therapy for three years and had a bad relapse, with faking OCD as a theme. but i feel fake saying this too because deep down i know im a liar im always lying and exaggerating things for attention. none of what i say feels real. i keep thinking that im completely normal and lying for attention because i want to be special. i still live with my parents and am dependent on them financially. i have an occasional job that pays just enough to pay for my therapy and we're struggling in general, so going to a psychiatrist would be a significant expense. i cant decide if it's worth it because im extremely paranoid about medication messing up with my head and making me gain weight (im at risk for ED and weight gain terrifies me beyond limits. if i gained even one kg i know for a fact i'd start checking my weight even more frequently and starving myself and panicking). most of all i want an evaluation and a proper diagnosis because the diagnosis my psychologist gave me (GAD and pure-O) doesn't feel "official" enough. it was done through a few months of talk therapy, i didnt have to do any tests. in my country, private psychologists don't give out any documents that "certify" the diagnosis, unlike in public facilities or with a psychiatrist, so it all feels really fake. i feel fake because i've never been to a psychiatrist before (my parents are extremely distrustful and neglectful of mental health) and have never been hospitalized. i want papers that say i have OCD so maybe i'll feel less fake. i hate saying this because it feels like im dismissing my psychologist's work, i made so much progress with her in three years, but im scared that she might be lying to me only because if i was told i dont have any diagnosable problems, only traits of a disorder, i'd be so devastated and i'd stop going to therapy. i feel like everyone knows im faking but lies to me just to pity me, like playing pretend with a child. i feel fake because i dont have violent intrusive thoughts anymore, only this self-referential theme about OCD itself it's so stupid, that proves that i am faking it, i'd still have other intrusive thoughts or obsessions if this was real and i hate saying this but i miss when i had harm ones, at least i didnt doubt my mental illness back then. i could save money and go see a psychiatrist in a few months but im terrified that by then every single symptom will be gone. which sounds irrational but to me that will mean that i was faking all this time, if i dont need to see a psychiatrist it will be the peak of fakeness. i feel like i have to "catch" myself at the worst time possible to go see a psychiatrist, i have to rush to do it now, immediately, not in a month from now or next week, because the moment im not having an episode, everything that happened before seems fake and nonexistent so i must be really fine and have no reason to see a psychiatrist. im feeling so fake because yesterday and for the past months i've had episodes with harm compulsions almost every day, and even when i don't do it i still get the thoughts and mental compulsions, but because today i didnt do it, it feels like nothing that happened before ever actually existed and from now on everything will be alright because i didn't have a real illness so what's the point of seeing a psychiatrist? if i have good days im not really ill. feeling good is a trigger for rumination, if i dont have obsessive thoughts i get anxious and start ruminating on whether or not im faking which almost inevitably becomes another full blown episode. and when it's over it feels fake again. im scared of doing anything that might be good for me - going outside, visiting a friend, engaging with my interests - because if anything that isn't medical help cures me, it will mean i didn't have a real illness. im hesitant to go see my best friend because what if i get better by spending some time with her and that will prove i was lying all this time, because real illnesses don't get better with these methods. i feel like im forcing myself in the OCD mold only to feel special and am a bad, horrible person for appropriating real OCD sufferers' struggle. maybe seeing a psychiatrist would reassure me even if it would cost me so much money. im terrified of recovery without psychiatric help. i dont know what to do. im sorry if this doesn't make any sense

please leave any comments below on you helped yourself get over hocd. it’s been plaguing me for the past year and i’m so sick of it. i cant do almost anything without hocd coming in and ruining everything. at this point it’s made me numb emotionally and i wanna get back to how i was before but i’m afraid i’m never going to :(

Is anyone's partner forcing them to get over their OCD? I've been dealing with OCD for over 14 years and never really tried to seek out help. I tried CBT a few years ago but didn't really benefit from it so I gave it up after a few months. Fast forward to today, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who confessed how troubled she is by the severity of my OCD. She's always been accepting of it and even said she found it cute and endearing, but after spending a lot more time together recently she's realized it's a lot more serious than she ever considered. We've talked about having kids for a while now and she just dropped this bomb on me that she doesn't want to a raise a kid in a household that is suffering from a disorder this powerful. While I understand where she's coming from, a part of me does find it a bit unfair that she's asking me to undergo so much change while I would never ask her to do anything comparable. She has so many hesitations about modern medicine and vaccines, and while that bothers me a lot, I don't really mention it because to each their own. But now that I'm being a bit cornered into seeking therapy, I'm now considering bringing all these things up. If I'm willing to seek therapy and get better, why can't she do the same and start trusting medicine a bit more? I'm trusting ERP and CBT, going out on a limb to give therapy one more shot, even seeking out books on hacking my brain to try and get over OCD. How do I go about making her see that if I'm willing to do this for our future family, then she should be willing to start trusting medicine and vaccines as well for the sake of our future kids?

I believe I have moral OCD and I reassurance seek about things because my brain genuinely cannot recognise if I should be upset/worried/ashamed about something or not. My brain just gets locked on one thought and cant get any real perspective. I read a post today on a OCD support group on fb where someone said "bad people often want reassurance to make them feel better about who they are/what they have done and get this reassurance online from people who dont know the full story about them". And it really triggered me because it made me think, am I not a good person? Is this really OCD? what if it's not and I am doing exactly what that person said? And that was so scary to me. I dont think I'm a bad person, I'll admit to making mistakes in the past like every other human on the planet but my intentions were never bad ones. And then I feel scared for even worrying about what that person said bc why would I worry after reading that? I feel like my brain just cant distinguish from reality and the reality that its created and its terrifying.

Hi All, I (22F) have been suffering from HOCD for the past three months. I am engaged to the man I want to be with. However, I can't kick OCD. I was recently aroused when looking at a model in lingerie. The lingerie was objectively sexy and I briefly thought about how she was posing for a man with her breasts out. Likewise, I thought about how sexy it would be if I wore that. But, now I'm terrified. If I can get these responses from the female body-not the male body-that must surely mean something. Likewise, I have trouble orgasming during sex and I don't always love making out. But, I really don't think I'm a lesbian? Long story short, I need help getting over this. I'm in college and I can barely study. All I do is worry. I can't even enjoy my engagement at this rate because I'm convinced I'm in denial. This sexual arousal gives me incredible amounts of anxiety, especially considering I have been turned on by stuff like this in the past. If anyone has any helpful words, please let me know. I am not seeking reassurance, but I felt this backstory was necessary to explain why this fear has been so potent. There may be some real attraction here, which terrifies me. I don't know what to do. I want to enjoy life and improve sex with my fiance but I'm feeling hopeless. If anyone has any words of advice, it would be deeply appreciated.

Has this made you guys rlly depressed? Like I’m just trying to accept it and I’m super depressed cause I don’t want that. I’ve read if you’re depressed and anxious about it, than you’re doubtfully that. I’m just scared.

I’m getting intense intrusive thoughts about suicide and self harm. This is terrifying and a new theme for me. Any advice?

I’ve been signed off work for two weeks. My ocd is literally making my life a living hell I’m still completely convinced I’m riddled with STDs despite negative results. I’m convinced my conjunctivitis was caused by STDs and I will infect myself and my partner will leave me assuming I cheated. I cannot accept this happening. I won’t hesitate to flip out if that ever happened. I cannot live in uncertainty I absolutely won’t

Does anyone know why OCD attacks the things we care about the most? I have heard this many times and it’s been attacking my relationship for the past 2 months and I feel like it’s destroying my relationship :(