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For decades, I have battled with what I can best describe as a compulsion to reset/restart my life and personality, and it is very hard to manage. While the timeline had varied and evolved over the years, on average, I have “reset” myself every week or so for about twenty-five years (I am currently thirty-six). Resetting has evolved over time, too, but it involves a lot of time devoted to putting things back to a baseline with my phone, computer, car, odometer, clothes, etc., as well as performing a lengthy ritualistic sequence of events the following day. These things allow me to mentally reset myself as though I am a character in a show, and the next morning is the first scene of the first episode. I tweak parts of my personality, and of course none of it ever sticks. I will purposefully put off progress in work and my personal life in order for those things to be credited to the new me with my upcoming reset. I’ll finally start exercising and dieting properly? Nope - I have to wait for the next reset. I’ll finally clean the house and be productive? Nope - next reset. I’ll knock out these work projects I’ve been putting off for a long time, or these personal projects I’ve always wanted to do for years - just kidding, wait for the reset. Naturally, every single time I reset, I am convinced that this is the final reset, and will be the permanent me…rinse and repeat thousands of times. Of course, very few of the things I put off for a reset actually happen for longer than a day or two, and then it’s back to delaying. It’s supremely frustrating. Anyway…does anybody have any sort of similar experience or insight? I’m having a hard time communicating it, but the impact of it over a quarter century now is pretty maddening.

Okay… this might sound like a typical post from a lonely teenager.. it’s not. I need to give some background though for it all to really make sense so bear with me.🥲 I grew up in a really toxic household- my mom drank a lot, and did numerous amounts of drugs. Growing up, I basically took care of her. We moved a lot because of what she was doing, so i never really had friends until we moved to Chicago, which ultimately was the best and worst place we ever lived in, and ultimately where most of my family passed including my mom. For more background, my dad wasn’t and still isn’t in the picture… I have separation anxiety, depression which is managed just fine tbh I’ve worked really hard to pull myself out of depression- bf has also helped with that a lot. I struggle a lot with anxiety as well, i have PTSD but honestly not much triggers me anymore due to me not being in that environment and just working on my own issues so to speak. I struggle with control issues, as i was never in control as a kid bc I couldn’t stop my mom from doing all the drugs, sleeping with the men, all the stuff I went through, but at the same time I was in total control since I was basically taking care of her and the family once we moved to Chicago. I’m not saying i took on a job at 9-12, but I did steal money from my friends to get us food, I’d go to the local churches to get food sometimes only wearing a tank top obviously with a hoodie and some sweats, but if you know Chicago you know how cold it gets, I was insane but it was for family. I got into stealing, I obviously knew it wasn’t okay but it was just a thing since my mom did it and had me help her or something. I didn’t put it in my bra- but I did tell her what to get.. I got into a bad friend group that had me start smoking and drinking, I still struggle with it at 17, only smoking- like vaping and smoking weed, which I so desperately want to stop but the cravings are real, aside from that it’s the only thing I have right now that kinda helps- which at the same time only makes it worse especially if I’m freaking out. Don’t know how to explain it tbh. anyways, I just had a really rough background. I was assaulted and harassed multiple times throughout the years, honestly for as long as I can remember. People at my job now say things, and it does make me feel weird, but it’s just words. Last time something really happened with a guy, or a girl- was earlier this year. Wasn’t anything too intense like it usually is, but something definitely happened… I’ve always been a compassionate person, but over the years, especially after my mom died, my anger got worse causing me to lose sight of that “nice person” I’m still an amazing human being, and I was even then, but I was mean in ways. I bullied when I was younger, around 4th and 5th grade- and even after my mom died. It wasn’t so harsh, but it was still me kinda being cruel to people. And I regret all of it. I’m easily taken advantage of- me not having decent role models when I was a kid made me a victim to being taken advantage of, bullied, abused, you name it. Relationships are another story when it comes to being taken advantage of…. But now the main purpose… I’m scared my boyfriend has/ will cheat on me for these reasons: He’s only had a few girlfriends in the past- all he’s cheated on with. To be fair, they weren’t the best people, most of them treated him wrong or made him feel weird. It isn’t an excuse. I can’t really say anything either though, because I basically cheated on everyone I’ve ever been in a rlsp with either and I’m not you know- out there but I have dated a bit.😭🙏🏻 He lied about hanging out with 2 girls from work- one from which I had an issue with, the other I went to school with. I was upset because he had followed her on Facebook, Snapchat, and had her on message but she worked with him, that was the only girl he had besides me and his mom or maybe one of his friends gfs which isn’t for a weird reason. But I didn’t really do much, I went though his texts and seen she had saved a pic of him, he did the same, he also had a nickname for her in his phone titled “Hercules” and I found out that previously when he lied about going out with her and the other girl I went to school with- he went to the mall and the woods with them for some reason she posted a pic of all of them in the woods doing god knows what and it’s still up- she also has a bf who she “loves very much” as she told me but come on now I’m a girl and I know that doesnt really matter. But regardless I found out he lied abt number one being with her- I knew from the get go he was with Emma, which is the girl from my school, but I didn’t know he was alone with 2 girls. he was at the mall, that was true, but idk why he was in the woods. and he was texting me, it was just weird. Anyways his friend met with them too and that makes me feel off. He pulls away sometimes, which scares me, but I know he’s going through a lot- he’s not rly a phone person or a social media person- besides that stuff with Cierra, honestly he’s never raised any red flags of cheating besides him being dry and pulling away. Again, he’s the type to not be on his phone much if he is he’s just watching reels on fb or something. We don’t have social media anymore, well Snapchat for him and everything else besides Facebook for me. We both have fb. The other day he was bragging to his mom about how I fold his clothes up before he goes to work or if he has to leave early if he’s spending the night, and how I’ll write him notes and stuff. His friends tell me how much he talks about me, even Cierra told me how much he talks about me at work. When we broke up he was telling this dude about me, apparently said things about me when I was never mentioned, asking questions about us telling him about us. He was mad, hurt, and missed me all at the same time. I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but our fight was longer and pettier this time. It was- bad. But we got through it. During the time we broke up he had a dating site, aged 20 and this was before he turned 18, and obviously he wasn’t really using it but it made me feel bad bc maybe he’s tryna get over me, or maybe not but regardless I wasn’t hurt I just felt bad. But he watches porn when we’re sexually active, and we do a lot- and I know some girls would be okay with that but I’m not and it makes me feel like in the future if I can’t give him what he wants- that’s bad phrasing but it’s the only words I can think of, but anyways if I can’t give him what he wants he’ll leave me for another girl or try to cheat. Overall, my anxiety makes me worried he’ll cheat on me. Worried I’m not enough, especially bc of the porn. Worried he’ll leave me again- the most recent time was our 6th or 7th time breaking up. For some reason we keep getting back together, almost 2 years in November. Most would say that’s toxic, but everytime we get back together we’re stronger. Kind of. We’re not perfect, we’re teens.😭 so we obviously still fight and stuff. Most of the time I honestly don’t think he’d cheat on me but when my anxiety goes up it’s hard to not think that or when he does/ says certain things it makes me think he’s cheating. It doesn’t really feel that way, honestly it only ever truly felt as if he was cheating on me when I was on depression meds- I’m only on something for my anxiety now since it’s so bad but even then… I’ve talked to him about it, he sometimes listens, he has a hard time listening to stuff. Bc of my background it’s easier for me to listen, with him a lot of stuff flies by his head which does make it harder to get through to him. Honestly, we’ve stayed together because he has changed a lot. He’s told his friends all about how I’ve changed him, helped “mellow him out” he tells them how much he cares for me. He told his one friend that “I’ve been cheated on several times, especially by this one girl- but I’m glad I met Alesia through her” or something like that I don’t remember but he showed me what he said when we still had Snapchat. I don’t know, I feel like most of it’s my anxiety- but also it’s my longest relationship. All my other ones lasted anywhere from 3 days which to be fair with me, anything over a month is a rlsp and those ones I don’t really could, but from 3 days to 3 1/2 months, until Wesley. Then again, only 2 ppl stayed 3 1/2 months lol. Wesley tells me how he’s in love with me, and I believe it. There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but how much is the question. Wesley comes from a rough background too, I take the cake for “worlds worst childhood” when it comes to the two of us but it’s never been a competition, point is, he went though similar stuff with his dad and mom. He doesn’t have many close close friends, only 3 close friends- others are just acquaintances. He doesn’t drink at all, rarely tbh. You won’t catch him drinking more than 3 shots, most of the time it’s only 1 or two. Again, no social media, not much of a party type either. He wants to have land when we’re older- away from a bunch of people. He doesn’t like crowded cities. He just wants to be with me, our future kids, on a nice land, and a bunch of dogs.😭 pretty much exactly how he described it. We’ve talked about marriage a lot, we’ve talked about the things we want for our kids, we’ve talked about life together. He’s cried a lot before bc he don’t wanna lose me. We’re both hot headed which doesn’t help. Overall, honestly I think it’s just my anxiety but I have no one to rlly talk to about this stuff.

God damnit I can't escape my OCD triggers. They're seeping into all my comfort zones. God damnit. i guess it's kind of exposure therapy in a way? but fuck I can't stand getting unexpected pits of fear and dread and doubt in my stomach. I can't even get away from these things or tell people what triggers me because it's all so general. It's impossible. Everything is a trigger. Everything! God damnit I hate this! I hate my stupid brain! I'm failing the NOCD community. I told ppl and myself that I'd do ERP but I haven't figured it out yet and I've been too scared to get it wrong and too overwhelmed to do the research on how to solo it that I've just avoided doing it at all. It's like I don't even care about getting better. I'm just ruining myself by my own laziness and carelessness.

I want to beat OCD because it’s starting to take over my life. I always knew something was wrong/different with me and finally got an OCD diagnosis from my therapist. It made me cry when she told me, but I know I can overcome it or tolerate it better. Please give any suggestions on how you take your mind off of intrusive thoughts, obsessions, etc. 🫶🏼

You didn’t choose to have the thoughts/feelings/urges etc. They’re symptoms of the condition you’re dealing with. Keep that in mind when you catch yourself fighting back. It’s not your job to get rid of the symptoms. How you respond is all on you. Your medicine is your own ability to disregard.. ☮️❤️

Okay I might sound crazy and I need alittle advice. Recently I took off work for a month to go visit Europe. I left being on very good terms with my work friends. They all said they loved me and they’ll miss me etc. They also usually text. Last time I left on a long vacation they would occasionally reach out to me, like my stories, etc. This time around, everything was normal for the first week. They liked my stories and we texted briefly. Now…. A week or so later, it’s dead silent on their end. They haven’t texted. They view my stories but they don’t like them. (I’m not saying they have to but it’s normal for them to do that). I can’t help but think something has been said about me that’s negative. Or they’re mad at me for maybe the one time I talked about them years ago in a slightly negative way because I was venting. (But doesn’t everyone do that at some point?) And I know it’s not nice to hear that a friend said something about you when it comes through a rumor. But that’s all I could think of. Maybe there is a lie being said or misconstrued. Or maybe I’m not that important for them like I thought I was. Or maybe it isn’t that deep? I sound legit insane right now because I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal but every day I’m waking with anxiety. I feel so down and blue and any time I post I’m anxiously waiting to see if they saw and liked my story. If they didn’t like it but saw it, it just confirms my fear that they’re upset with me. Which devastates me because they’re close friends and they are my community back home. I work full time so I see them daily and we would always hang out. Now I feel like they all are over me and like I did something wrong but I just don’t know what and I’m so sad and anxious and I feel so dumb for even feeling this way because I can identify that I’m having a spiral but I have no idea how to stop it. I’m trying. I won’t reach out and ask them because that would just make my ocd worse. So I’m posting here. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to help me overcome this with out seeking validation from them? What are your overall thoughts and what techniques or exercises would you recommend for me so that I can stop letting this consume me? Thank you in advance if you are still reading.

Today I noticed that I have been making improvements in my harm and contamination subtypes. I started ERP a couple weeks ago and am in talks with my psych about meds I should be taking. I've noticed that since ERP, it's a lot easier for me to touch "contaminated" things and not feel incredibly disgusted. I can touch my trash can, dirty dishes with no gloves, touch items at the grocery store, and touch toilet handles without getting anxious. That's a huge step for me. Now, I will say it did get in the way yesterday of me going out to brunch because there have been measles cases reported around where I live. So, still work to be done but getting better. Today, I had a big breakthrough when I noticed that I hadn't even remembered to turn on my living room security camera until after I had left. I wasn't scared, I casually remembered and I knew I would see my cats sleeping and not something horrible. I also don't double check behind my husband anymore when he locks the door. I watch him lock the door, then walk away towards the car, trusting that it was done. I try really hard now not to do my usual mental compulsions and ask for reassurance. I feel like I have more trust in general towards at least the things and people in my home. I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress!

Does anyone get intrusive images with their ocd about them committing the intrusive thought? The worst one I’ve been having recently is “What if I sent or posted a nude on a game, social media, internet etc.” and I have been panicking for days, I keep getting images of me committing the action of sending one and I’m going crazy, it’s caused me to break down or get cold chills or even just panic 24/7. I’ve been feeling guilty constantly, fweling like I’ve done the worst thing possible and even been feeling down all the time thinking about it and just feeling mentally exhausted:( And there is no possible way for me to check if I actually did so because I’ve had to delete any games with chat boxes or ability to post pictures on there, and I can’t even really use social media without freaking out. I know a lot of people say that if it bothers you so much and it makes you worry so much then it’s not true and you didn’t do the thing that you think you did and I always try to remind myself that I know I would never do that because I would never ever want to hurt my fiancé, but the “what if you did and you just don’t remember?” Thought drains me daily. Does anyone else relate?

Any other adults feel like they're behind their peers (have honestly felt this way since high school) and they can't do much about it because of their OCD? I can do so much but OCD will find a way to stop it, which is why I haven't been doing much and I'm waiting to jump at the chance to take medication to help me. I fear that when I will do something OCD will just ruin that flat out, like it did with college and a job I wanted to attend. Then again I've seen people say medication isn't the sole solution to fixing OCD but I would still like to try it. I just don't know how ERP is going to work for me. I've never tried it with a therapist and it never feels like it works on my own. It the cleads me to feeling pretty hopeless and feeling like I'm not doing much in my life. Anyone else?

My contamination ocd is ruining my relationship with my family and im not sure what to do. I don’t really have a type of contamination ocd that like it afraid of getting sick and dying it’s more like emotional. So if the tee shirt feels “wrong” and “dirty” then I have to perform a compulsion. My father is also a big part of it. Everything he touches is dirty to me because of the negative emotional connection I have with him. So if he touches a tee shirt that’s mine it’s dirty. It’s making my parents do a lot of laundry, and they don’t let me wash my own laundry bc our machine is complicated and also because I can’t touch dirty clothes after or I will feel really dirty. But it’s getting really bad that my mom is yelling at me for using cleaning sprays and getting mad at me for being having to redo things cause they don’t feel right and having to wash my hands. Same with my dad, he makes fun of me and calls me names that upsets me which only makes my emotional contamination worse. I don’t know what to do. I went to therapy for almost a year now about this and nothing has worked and recently my therapist had recommended that I start meds so I went to the doctor and he prescribed me for lexapro bc I also have depression but my parents are against any meds idk what to do anymore and I feel really helpless

Im not sure where to start but yesterday was very painful for me and I was having thoughts about you know not being alive because of how overwhelmed I was with OCD … how guilty I felt about the thoughts that come in my head snd I couldn’t stop them as they got worse by the second … how ashamed I felt … I feel like an awful partner to my person … I get very immoral thoughts and thoughts I can’t even write here or share … and I have been very intolerant to my compulsions and I always tell him my thoughts , the content .. my actions .. everything and I fall for ocd’s tricks … I get thoughts about people .. people .. strangers .. people from my uni .. people he knows or is close with and I hate it .. and these thoughts can range but recently they’ve been enough to make me reach this point .. I made the decision to not tell him anything , to protect him and to get better but I haven’t been fully avoiding all my compulsions yet.. not all.. although the last 2 days I did but I haven’t been feeling or doing great at all .. I have been very frustrated and snappy even with him when that never happens .. I feel awful and selfish , I feel depressed and I have exams this week … hes a really pure soul .. hes nothing but sweet , supportive, patient and understanding but I’m really hurting snd I don’t like feeling this way .. feeling this angry at everything .. being unlike me .. being distant from him .. and I feel like life is falling apart .. I can barely catch my breath , barely catching up to my studies and I’ve been compromising on my attendance… I need help snd I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck snd lost .. I don’t know if I should be telling him what thoughts exactly come to mind or like what happened the last few days (thoughts includes someone close he knows like super super close to him , had a doubt snd I know it’s intrusive but still , thats just one thought ) or do I suck it up truly and not share anything at all because this is the disorder snd not me .. it’s not my fault or intention ? (Again most of the thoughts that come in like for instance those comments I get about strangers for instance , I don’t want or intend them but they do as if my brain is teasing me and I feel like I’m responsible or at fault ) and I should just treat this as a disorder ? And really know that it’s all just lies snd not ever true or real ?… I can’t help but feel it’s as if I’m deceiving him , betraying him , hiding things from him or cheering on him specially because of these thoughts snd a great person like him deserves the best but I’ve been nothing but shitty hence why.. I’ve been the way I am … I really do need advice snd not just in this but actual advice almost im every aspect of my life right now and I would really appreciate any urgent help or advice … im sorry for how long this is but I thought maybe you’d see the picture clearly this way … Thank you 🙏🏻

I feel like an awful partner to my person … I get very immoral thoughts and thoughts I can’t even write here or share … and I have been very intolerant to my compulsions and I always tell him my thoughts , the content .. my actions .. everything and I fall for ocd’s tricks … I get thoughts about people .. people .. strangers .. people from my uni .. people he knows or is close with and I hate it .. and these thoughts can range but recently they’ve been enough to make me reach this point .. I made the decision to not tell him anything , to protect him and to get better but I haven’t been fully avoiding all my compulsions yet.. not all.. although the last 2 days I did but I haven’t been feeling or doing great at all .. I have been very frustrated and snappy even with him when that never happens .. I feel awful and selfish , I feel depressed and I have exams this week … hes a really pure soul .. hes nothing but sweet , supportive, patient and understanding but I’m really hurting snd I don’t like feeling this way .. feeling this angry at everything .. being unlike me .. being distant from him .. and I feel like life is falling apart .. I can barely catch my breath , barely catching up to my studies and I’ve been compromising on my attendance… I need help snd I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck snd lost .. I don’t know if I should be telling him what thoughts exactly come to mind or like what happened the last few days (thoughts includes someone close he knows like super super close to him , had a doubt snd I know it’s intrusive but still , thats just one thought ) or do I suck it up truly and not share anything at all because this is the disorder snd not me .. it’s not my fault or intention ? (Again most of the thoughts that come in like for instance those comments I get about strangers for instance , I don’t want or intend them but they do as if my brain is teasing me and I feel like I’m responsible or at fault ) and I should just treat this as a disorder ? And really know that it’s all just lies snd not ever true or real ?… I can’t help but feel it’s as if I’m deceiving him , betraying him , hiding things from him or cheering on him specially because of these thoughts snd a great person like him deserves the best but I’ve been nothing but shitty hence why.. I’ve been the way I am … I really do need advice snd not just in this but actual advice almost im every aspect of my life right now and I would really appreciate any urgent help or advice … im sorry for how long this is but I thought maybe you’d see the picture clearly this way … Thank you 🙏🏻

Hey everyone, a bit of a word vomit here. I am just trying to tackle this issue so I know where to start. I’ve already been working with a therapist. However, I am unable to figure out my triggers on what bothers me so I dont know how to tackle these issues. I don’t suffer from intrusive thoughts that I can recall, which makes me doubt that I even have OCD because I heard you can’t have OCD without intrusive thoughts? All I do is ruminate all day on what bothers me most which is that I am unsure if I want to harm others. I know I dont want to be a violent person but I worry that I might be? I wonder if it is a part of me or if it’s something that I want to do and I genuinely cannot tell, which concerns me. I know for a fact that I constantly seek reassurance and I find comfort when I do convince myself this is all OCD.

I don’t even know if it’s HOCD anymore. I can’t distinguish if I like the thoughts or not. It’s creeping in to every aspect of my life and I never don’t think about it for more than 10 minutes. I have these urges to like come out to my parents even though when I act these out in my head I feel worse. But at the same time, I think my OCD is convincing me that this is my true self. Please reply I really need someone to talk to.

Hey, so I'll try to keep it short but I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and need advise. This is not fully ocd but I really don't have anywhere else to talk about this with. I’ve only ever seriously liked two people: my ex and this guy I’ve been talking to. He’s from a country far away, and we’d been chatting for two months before I admitted my feelings. From the start, he was clear he’s not over his ex and isn’t looking for anything serious. At first, I saw him just as a friend, but the more he mentioned going on dates or seeking a friends-with-benefits situation, the more it stirred panic and fear in me. When he noticed I was acting off and asked about it, I opened up and told him how I felt. He was kind but firm, saying he couldn’t reciprocate but wanted to stay friends. That was nice of him, but it still hurt, especially since he didn’t seem to see it as a big deal, while for me, it was huge. I took a two-week break to process, crying it out and trying to pull myself together before reaching out again. He was understanding and seemed okay with picking up where we left off, but things aren’t the same. We used to talk all day, every day, but now it’s just a few words here and there, and it’s crushing. He seems totally fine—happy, going out, living his life like nothing’s changed. Meanwhile, I’m at my lowest, depressed and unable to enjoy anything. Seeing him share updates or talk about his life just makes me sad, and I can’t even show the support I used to. It’s killing me because I want to be his friend, but this feels so distant and cold compared to before. Texting him back is so hard now, which has never been an issue with anyone else. I don’t want to take another break because I’d just spend it thinking about him, and trying to go back to being friends afterward feels even scarier. I don’t want to lose him entirely, but this is hurting so much. I just want to be his friend, but I’ve never liked someone this much before. When I care about someone, they become my whole world, and right now, mine feels like it’s crashed. Seeing him happy makes me sad, and I feel awful for feeling that way. My ocd is making me spiral about this and keep obsessing about him and this connection making me feel restless. Most friends told me to try and let go and end this because I'm hurting but I don't wanna regret giving up on a friendship tho of I don't want a shallow one word per day friendship either.

This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I don’t fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like “does that mean you like her” and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasn’t ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I can’t even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying “Yeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg he’s so cute, check their page, see that ooohhh…its a girl, and go nvm and move on” those were her exact words too, and she’s still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray they’re false) are eating me alive. I don’t think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good 😭. I’m telling you I’ve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way 😭.I don’t even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think it’s also because we can’t see each other that often because of school so i’m left to ruminate about everything. I’ve been dealing with this theme for so long and i’ve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. There’s so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasn’t bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture i’m back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end 😭. I’m so so exhausted that I’m going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I don’t think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. I’m so tired of feeling like a rock.

I really need support from someone preferably a woman ☹️

I feel like I did something bad like I was in a huanted house and this girl wanted me to hold her hand and we were holding hands and she went to put my hands beside her boob and I’m just like omg this is wrong because she’s younger than me and I think she’s a minor So now I think I’m a criminal even though my intention was not evil

I know this may sound strange and this is no way meant to say people with autism are lesser or anything like that, but similarly to how i fear being gay even though I'm not homophobic and have no problem with gay people, I have a fear of being autistic. Everytime I see a list of autism symptoms online or a post on social media that's like if you do x you must be autistic I literally panic. I'm constantly monitoring my behaviour in case I show any signs and I'm always looking at old photos and videos of myself for the same reason. It's also annoying that I have a bad memory so I can't really rember if I did something in the past that definitely means I have autism. My brain keeps focusing on moments that could mean I have autism. Like if I misunderstood a joke one time in the past my brain keeps telling me that's a sign I didn't understand a social cue so I must have autism, even though there are probably countless times I have been fine with social cues, its just I can't remember. I have also had a time in the past where a therapist brought up I could potentially look into seeing If I have autism, but I just keep telling myself she said potentially and she only brought it up because of one potential sign and not a whole list of signs. My only reassurance is that I've never had anyone mention any autistic like behaviour to me or my parents when I was little and I keep asking my family if I showed any particular signs of autism and they keep saying no, but knowing my family they wouldn't have noticed even if I did. I just feel so scared and so guilty. There is nothing wrong with having autism just as there is nothing wrong with being gay, it's just so scary to me though, I really dont want to have autism and don't know why I just don't. Does anyone else feel the same?