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the NOCD Community

Hello. My name is April. I'm new to this community. I'm here because my OCD has morphed into something much worse. It's as bad as it's ever been. I'm 49 years young. Single. No kids. I hope to find help here. ?

Thinking sexually of alll and anything in this world

I will never recover. I first saw a therapist age 8 who wanted to put me on anxiety meds. My parents refused. I got worse. I saw a doc at 12 who decided I was depressed and put me on Prozac. I developed more anxiety and restlessness, as well as insomnia. OCD compulsions as well that got mistaken for racing thoughts. Got dxed bipolar by the next doc and put on lithium, lamictal, risperdal. Kept getting told for years by professionals and family that I had bipolar, but not why or what that was. Never got erp. OCD got worse with talk therapy. I never improved. Got a rediagnosis from bipolar to ocd. But I still live in constant fear of insanity. I don't want to lose control or hurt people. So many of us got screwed over by docs. I can't trust them anymore. I was told for years that SSRIs would cause severe mania and they were the absolute worst thing I could be on. Now I am getting told that they're the best thing to be on and by not taking them ATM I'm choosing to suffer. My parents got married to the bipolar dx and defended it at all costs. When I share my severe, crippling anxiety and panic due to the dx they fight with me and tell me I'm overdramatic and being ridiculous...even though they were the ones defending it for years. All of the professionals I have met have been incompetent or cruel. I have been trying to reach out for erp for years. No one will take me bc of comorbid Autism and the fact that I'm a student who only lives near the therapy part of the year. None take my insurance. I have a final tomorrow. For the past few nights I have had severe panic causing insomnia. I spent 24 hours awake this past night bc of insomnia. I have been up since 1:30 am with panic today and depression. I have to study. But I don't have any hope anymore. I keep getting told to see someone who can help. I'm trying to. But people make things worse so often....I do not see a point anymore. I'm in pain constantly. I have no support. I feel guilty for everything. I do not want to go crazy and hurt everyone. Things have steadily gotten worse. I don't know why God would do this to me. I'm supposed to get help but no one can. I do not trust anyone anymore, an I don't trust myself. Plus anxiety and insomnia can cause psychosis and brain damage so I am afraid of that. I don't want to kill myself because I just don't. But I also do not ever believe I will be happy. I am also socially isolated. I want someone I love to hold me and tell me things will be ok. But I am alone and I suffer alone I'm in so much pain and the people who were supposed to help me only caused more

Pushing a finger twice on my cheek getting anxious because what if a bus route doesn’t work. This is a normal part in my day. I click my fingers when I get doubtful thoughts. I think that’s why now I pushed against my face trying to do something about my worry. Or sudden movement I do with my leg when I think what if none of this is anxiety? Or you won’t believe it. That’s a thought thats stuck to my head. Another thing I realized I do usually use 4 things like 4 bounce sheets, 4 squarts of hand soap, body wash, things like that. Feeling the need of swallowing before I take a drink, vape, take a hoot of marijuana. The thought comes to my mind what If I need to blink and I do it. Even though I don’t and it happens on its own unnoticed but it causes me stress when on my mind. Making a clicking sound with my tongue I do that when I get a what if thought that worries me and that can do with anything that doubts me. Even the simple things. Thoughts bother me just about things that shouldn’t and I just want to let it go but I am stuck and I feel I need to usually listen to music, especially gospel to help me feel better. And I close my eyes and twirl in circles (left) to the music. And usually enjoy it like that, I’ve done that for years. It fees good. When I was little I used to always twirl in circles. Left only. Right would get dizzy. Everytime I see a pic of somebody like family I have like certain sexual thoughts I hate and I try avoid it and it only makes it worse and makes me feel worse and I look back at it and I feel I need to do something about it. I start thinking I’m a bar person. Right now I swallowed because my mind tried to trick me into thinking that wasn’t true but swallowing minimizes the stress of the thought. And I did a leg move me because I had a thought thinking what if swallowing doesn’t minimize the stress. This is ocd. Hard to handle. Im in constant doubt. I do a weird gesture or movement with my face when I have a what if thought that is doubtful and highly unlikely to be true. I don’t understand why but I do it. Before I used to click my toes a lot too where they’d be sore and same with my fingers. Another thing I always feel guilty with god and if I don’t pray I feel good things won’t happen. And I know this could be scrupulosity. Ive been suffering with my ocd related to god for a long time. And it’s been worse before especially with sexual thoughts and just feeling bad for things I don’t need to feel bad for. A lot of the time I feel like I’m going to hell. I feel like the things I’m doing in my life are all bad, because I had two ex boyfriends. One was trans and I might have another one soon too who is trans guy. I really like him and he is one of the kindest persons I’ve ever met. I always try remind my self that even though I’m in these relationships I feel like I’m not supposed to be and That I’m interrupting with gods plan for my life and that I’m doing it wrong. But I know Jesus as love and complete forgiveness, I’ve always believed and surrendered my life more then once to him. I believe and pray. But life hasn’t been great and I feel I can’t even get a job. It seems so hard and stressful. I’ve been really depressed. For longer then I can remember. I’ve been depressed before I moved to Edmonton. Worse since I got into hard drugs and dropped out of school. Cause I been on hard drugs. alcoholism for years. I dropped out of school I feel like nothing In my life and I’m in over $1400 of credit card debt and my credit rating is low now and the only thing that makes me happy is just getting high on weed and being with the people I can enjoy getting high with cause they have depression and anxiety problems too it helps all of us be more level. There’s people smoking meth in this house where I live and I hate it so much and worried if that stuff gets into my system somehow. I feel a feeling against my foot as if something gonna happen to it so I move it to avoid anything happening. That can be my whole foot or just a part of it like a toe. Before I’ve had thoughts like something evil wanting to grab it. When I’m twirling in circles listening to music sometimes I’ll think something bad will happen to me cause my eyes are closed and having my cat in my room helps. I constantly check if my bedroom door is locked to make sure no one comes in when I’m twirling and listening to music. It helps me feel better. Also another thing when I get a scary thought that doesn’t matter that’s just a what if thought I come up with another one that minimizes the anxiety that comes. Like I have a bad thought and question myself and then try hold onto another thought that’s good like reassuring and then the what if question just gets worse after. And then I’m feeling worse about myself. And I do that a lot. Idk if that’s part of ocd but it scares me a lot and I can’t handle it. I just found my self being able to type this all down because I’m person I don’t think I’d be able to explain all of this as clearly and throughly as I did typing it.

Hello ?? I’m new here. I’m a mother to a 7 year old boy that has not only been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum, Sensory Integration, ADHD but also OCD. He is afraid or germs, and he’s constantly asking me for reassurance with bad thoughts he is having. From his mind telling him he’s going to hurt me but he doesn’t want to, to telling me his mind is saying he likes boys but he thinks it’s nasty, to constantly repeating things that he did bad years ago that no longer matter even tho he has already told me. Also him saying things that I know didn’t happen but yet he says he’s not sure if it did or if it didn’t happen. To him brushing his teeth and counting. He can brush his teeth now and 2 minutes later I’ll ask him if he brushed his teeth and he will say did you me brush my teeth and if I say no he will say he doesn’t remember and he will go and brush again and again until I say yes I saw you. This is all so overwhelming I don’t know what else to do.

Do not work with Dr. Steven even Phillipson. His clinicians are not properly trained and will try to extort as much money out of you as possible. I'm putting it out there because I'm tired of the just switch therapists rule when therapists are being unethical and harmful.

how do I know ERP is working or that I'm doing it right.

I've been having ocd for the last 35 years. I did therapies after therapies but I think they never saw an ocd that intense. In the last 2 weeks I've been out of my mind replacing counting everything non stop day and night. I reached the bottom friday night when i didn't sleep at all all night. Im trying very hard to get better i just dont know how exactly. I love life but with this ocd im not functional and it's hell and no one around me understands it.

Hey everyone hope you are all doing well.! Its been so long since I used this app. A good sign that things are so much better now. I still have my bad days but I keep fighting and keep pushing myself to do things, that really is the key to recovery. I've changed my name from where does it end to "live to fight another day" because everyday is a fight! I know how hard it is to begin to overcome ocd and I just wanna say guys no matter how bad you may be feeling now things will get better with a little hard work and effort from yourself and possibly a great therapist. I will never forget the people on this app that helped me through some really dark days and believe me I had some very dark days where I couldn't see a light but I found it and all of you will too. Remember how strong you are and how beautiful you are inside out. Never give up I believe in you all ❤️❤️

so i have been with my boyfriend for three months and i love him so much. i have never once questioned my love for him in fact my friends are so tired of me going on about how much i do love him. however, these past couple of days for some strange reason, my brain keeps trying to convince me that i’m not attracted to him or that i’m falling out of love with him. it started when i didn’t get wet for the first time during sex with him because i was having panic attacks all week about this topic (and also the irrational fear that i was somehow a lesbian even though i know now that that isn’t true) and after sex, i started going “what if i never get wet during sex with him again and my relationship is a lie” and somehow tried telling my self that i needed to break up with him. although there is absolutely not evidence to support that i don’t love him anymore, my mind keeps trying to tell me that it’s a possibility. to add to that, the last time i saw him and said goodbye to him, i felt like i wasn’t “sad enough” about leaving him since i had been more upset about it before. and somehow my brain thinks that’s evidence for me not loving him. everytime i think about our relationship or reminisce on it, i become very emotional and i start crying and the crying gets worse when i think about leaving him or losing him. so, clearly my heart knows that i love him dearly but my brain keeps having these thoughts and i really do feel hopeless.

Does anybody have any ocd intrusive thoughts success stories? Like what helped you the most, and how you’re doing today. Please share

This just feels too real.. I’m terrified that this actually just real. We who have hocd focus on the sex attraction part, and that’s not what this is. I remember seeing pins or posts that say “Love is Love” and id sit there and be like “Wow I forgot that being lesbian /gay/bi ect.. has to do with falling in love” I honestly just didn’t think about falling in love and crushes or anything like that. Because we’re so focused on the sex part of this. Because it just feel real, and it’s not us. I know this isn’t me, I’ve only liked guys before and I know it was not forced. Also, my childhood has so much proof that I’m lesbian, but there’s also a lot of proof that I’m not. Like when I’d have fantasies that my crush was watching me dance or that my crush would finally ask me out. And just always liking boys and not girls. I just know I can’t be lesbian, yet there’s so many things telling me I am. But I’m not, I would know. Especially with all the advice that’s been giving to me. Anyway, sorry just here to vent. How is everyone doing? Let me know? Or maybe you have been through something similar ?

My OCD is primarily around my academics. I was wondering if this was the case for anyone else?

Hi all, This is a POCD question that I wasn't sure I should post. I have overcome so many types of OCD, but this one still brings me down and isolates me. Especially my recent situation, it's the worst. So I made the decision to share it and I pray that something good will come of it. I am in a sense afraid that I acted out on my thought. My OCD doc told me even if it were true i had no intention bc it was due to OCD so it doesn't matter so to stop torturing myself. Basically what happened was I was on vacation visiting family out of the country. I was practically guilted into attending a birthday party for my niece. Well after years of avoidance ( bc it took 9 years for my diagnosis) I am slowly but surely getting use to being around kids again and I was very anxious about going to this party. When my nephew was leaving he started making the rounds to give everyone a hug and my fear is that I am going to put my foot out and trip someone or stick something out and touch then inappropriately. So I cross my legs to guard myself you could say. Well as I saw him coming up to hug me I started got super fearful with how close he was getting to me. Next thing I knew I felt pressure on my knee that he was placing on me when hugging me. And in my mind it was prob his groin so I was terrified in that moment and I had an urge/ fear to push my knee back into him. And for the first time instead of fighting super hard to control myself my knee just let go and I slightly pushed back . So I basically freaked but had to look composed. My dad went with me bc I'm still getting used to these situations and told me he didn't notice anything wrong when I hugged him. But in my mind you can't really see a slight push and the fact that there is a higher chance that it happened where I fear bc of where my knee was when he hugged me I feel devastated , and just gross...etc. I mean does having OCD excuse something and on top of that I don't even know what to label what happened?? Was it bad or accidental , does that matter bc I pushed either way?? So I've been so depressed for the last 6 months not even knowing how to accept this bc it feels different then just thoughts. Please any advice??

I’ve been living with this horrible illness officially for 11 of the 20 years I’ve been alive and I feel like the older I get the worse it gets and it’s killing me. I just want some relief I’m in so much pain. This illness has hurt myself, my fiends, my family, and has even caused the man I love who also has ocd to break up with me. I feel like I’m a lost cause and I hate it. I don’t know who I can trust anymore and I just feel so broken. HELP

Having hocd feels like I don’t have a fucking choice on what gender I want to be with ever since this hit me like a brick. Hocd doesn’t give a fuck if I want a man and to marry my amazing bf. Fuck this

Atm I hate my life so much.. I maybe have 5 minutes in the morning that I don't think I have a terrible disease, the rest of the day is filled with googling and fucking myself up again. I know I shouldn't Google, but I just cannot stop it.. Anybody has some tips??

There are my pasts which I am not proud of and make huge mistakes.......now after so long suddenly these memories are coming back to me.....getting a worse anxiety...and feeling shit about myself...I don't think so I can ever forgive my self It turns me to a bad person...I don't know what to do.....how to live anymore..Is this even normal in OCD....or it's not my OCD...I don't know how to correct my past..

Like now, what the hell are making me arousal and excited? I cant understand, I dont want to go to porn or masturbate. As I said before, I am tired of doing this and then askimg forgiviness like an endless cycle, like if I am not true regreted my sins. I dont know what to do anymore, I just want to be a good person, christian and good by the eyes of God, but idk how to deal with these sins. Sometimes I just wanted to this to not be sin. And said all that, i am obssessing so much that I end up taking a lot of pills to go asleep.

I’ve been doing a good job controlling my Urges, but I suffer from responsibility OCD. My check is with paying. I am always worried I will forget to pay for something or accidentally take something. So I check old credit card statements, from months and years ago! I have worried about everything from food to clothes to car washes. I have also Contacted old doctors to make sure I don’t owe money. Does anyone else do something similar?