Welcome to
the NOCD Community

If my partner is remotely unattractive to me, it just causes me to ruminate so much. I wish it would calm down. It's hard to know if this is a valid attraction issue or not. I hate to use OCD as a crutch but I feel like both could be true. Which is tough

I have a love hate relationship with social media bc men are reaching out to me and flirting and I can never tell what’s j friendly and what’s flirting but I technically have a bf and a man im in love with that’s my baby and I love him so much and I feel so guilty for the fact that they are even reaching out and I’m enjoying the attention/think they’re attractive . I value loyalty so I don’t know why it is so hard for me to settle with him I love him so much like no one could ever understand. What if I just can’t accept that he was meant to be temporary and I’ve outgrown this connection :(

I’ve been struggling with HOCD for months now and it’s killing me. Like it feels like I can’t accept who I truly am and like why if I am gay just let me accept it but something inside of me won’t let me accept it. Like I would never want to be with a girl or spent my future with a wife I’ve ALWAYS wanted a husband sometime in the future and I’m a teenager so I was always SOSOSOOSOS excited to have a boyfriend and wanted one sooooo bad and now I’m crying everyday just thinking: I don’t want to be gay. I don’t know how much longer I can life like this. There is not one single second of the day where I’m not thinking ruminating and worrying I feel like crying 24/7. ITS KILLING ME. And around girls that trigger me I get completely like paralyzed because they’re really pretty and I’m convinced I have a crush on them like I have to watch them all the time when I see them I get like a sting in my chest and Idk if it’s bc of my HOCD or bc I just can’t accept that I have a crush on them and can’t accept my true self. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before this

I am completely and utterly consumed with guilt, regret, and self hatred. I know this probably isn't OCD related right now, but I really need to talk to a group of kind, supportive people. I've only ever received compassion here. My kitty passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. He was with me for 16 1/2 years. I had him since he was only a few days old. He took care of me through every hard thing I've ever been through. My baby, my brother, my teacher, my everything. From ages 9-26. I'm feeling a lot of self hatred. I did so many things wrong throughout his life. But the worst thing I ever did is haunting me and making it difficult to grieve. When I was 19, I started smoking weed daily, multiple times a day. In my apartment. With him in the same room. I would always crack a window, but there was also a 6-or-so month period where I lived in a place where the windows couldn't be opened. And I smoked inside daily anyway. I continued on like this for about 5-6 years. Cracking the window a bit, but not even doing a good job at blowing the smoke out. I never blowed it in his face, I was always concious of trying to keep at least some small amount of distance from him. It probably made 0 difference, I was smoking inside mere feet from him. Smoking weed around pets was very normalized among the people I knew. I knew that it wasn't a good thing to do, but I didn't take it seriously because he seemed happy and healthy. Until about twoish years ago. Coughing fits started. He was xrayed and diagnosed with asthma. I made another stupid choice, and instead of quitting or at least moving my smoking outside, I got air purifiers for my apartment and started smoking in the bathroom exclusively with the door shut and the fan on. The air purifiers were always green (unless I accidentally left the door open which happened on occasion), and I couldn't smell weed in the rest of the apartment. If my girlfriend smoked inside, I would not be able to tell unless I went into the bathroom. There was barely any gap under the door. I thought I did a good job. I thought I was responsible. We also switched his litter to a dust free one. The coughing stopped. I thought this setup was good enough. Something he had done for years prior to this was very deep breathing when in REM sleep with forceful exhales. I always thought this was just a quirk of his because it only happened when he was in a deep sleep. I now know that this was probably a symptom of asthma, and he likely had it long before he had his first coughing fit. My girlfriend and I always thought it was just him having intense dreams. I'm disgusting. After his first coughing fit, he was supposed to get a preventative inhaler twice a day for the rest of his life. But like the fuckup I am, I fell off of doing it after his coughing flare subsided. He had two other instances of coughing in the last two or so years, but only a single cough at a time and not accompanied by any other symptoms he showed during his initial "flare". But he was still doing that deep, forceful breathing when in REM. Sometimes, for brief periods, he would also have a slightly elevated breathing rate (32-38), but I always for some reason chalked this up to post-surgery discomfort (it happened more frequently a few months after he had pacemaker surgery) or one of his other conditions. My dumbass didn't piece together that my continued bathroom smoking could still be irritating him. I still didn't see that sleep breathing as an asthma symptom because it stabilized when he woke up or went into a lighter sleep. The apartment never smelled like smoke, the purifiers were always lit green, and his coughing fits stopped. So I thought I had done a decent job. For those other very brief instances of coughing, my brain always went to one of his other many conditions. Like I said, he had pacemaker surgery earlier this year (3rd degree AV block causing 30-70 focal seizures a day), and one of the coughs happened shortly after that. He had on and off very mild pleural effusion after his surgery. He had mild HCM. He had pretty severe arthritis. He had IBD/small cell lymphoma. He had so many things that seemed so much more serious at the time than his asthma, and I fucked up by focusing on those conditions and letting his asthma diagnosis go unmanaged because I thought I "fixed" the problem by reducing irritants. I was so overwhelmed by all of his supplements and medications that I didn't give him the one that could have really made him more comfortable. Moreso, I could have just stopped. Smoking. In. My. Fucking. Apartment. His asthma wasn't the cause of his death. He was diagnosed with granular large cell lymphoma in his intestine. That IBD/small cell lymphoma diagnosis quickly spiraled into an aggressive cancer. I had to let my baby go two days after his diagnosis. One thing that haunts me is that the week he passed away, he had an asthma flare up, just like the first one. Not one of the weird little single coughs that I worried could be related to his heart. We took him to the ER because his breathing seemed more labored one night. They xrayed him and said asthma flare up. We resumed the preventative inhaler he should have been getting the entire time. The next day, he had the low asthma posturing and a coughing fit. The day after that, he had abdominal swelling and we went back to the ER. Suspected mass in his intestine. Internal medicine appointment only 3 days after that. Cancer. Two days later, he's gone. In my arms, in his bed, looking into my eyes in the most peaceful way it could have went. They gave him Prednisone at the last vet appointment as a palliative care drug. I think it helped the asthma flare up too. I hadn't smoked in the bathroom for two weeks prior to this flare up happening, but I still blame myself. Because even if smoke didn't cause that one, giving him the fucking inhaler daily could have stopped it. I know his asthma didn't kill him, but it caused him discomfort while he was going through something even worse. And I could have at least taken that pain away. And I didn't. Despite his conditions, he was a happy, loving, playful, feisty guy. He only started to show signs of deteriorating in his last 2 months, starting with him simply not wanting to play with his wand toys anymore. He was a fighter, and he went through so much. I worried myself sick about him every day. I have so many videos on my phone of me recording his weird sleep breathing (and any instance of elevated breathing) out of concern. I don't know why my brain said "Pleural effusion, heart problems, etc." instead of "HE HAS ASTHMA BECAUSE YOU SMOKED IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR 6 YEARS. GIVE HIM HIS INHALER YOU MONSTER." I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. He was my everything. I talk to him every day and tell him how sorry I am. I feel like I don't deserve to grieve because I fucked up so bad. How could I do that to him for 6 years? How could I change my smoking setup to another (albeit less harmful) indoor setup instead of just GOING OUTSIDE? I'm afraid he's happier without me. I'll never be able to fix it. I'll never be able to really apologize. I'll never have the chance to change for him or know if he forgives me. I would do anything to go back and beat the shit out of myself. I genuinely hate hate hate myself, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on for another 50 years with the weight of my filth. Without my baby boy. I'm so lost. And I'm so so sorry baby.

🔴Explain metacognition and how does it correlate to ocd if it does That's a great question - and actually a very deep one. 🔵Metacognition means "thinking about hinking." It's your ability to notice, reflect on, and evaluate your own thoughts, beliefs, and mental processes. For example, if you catch yourself thinking "Why do I keep worrying about this?" or "Is this thought realistic?" — that's metacognition in action. It involves two key parts: 1. Metacognitive knowledge: What you know about your thinking — e.g., "I tend to overanalyze situations." 2. Metacognitive regulation: How you manage your thinking — e.g., "I'll stop ruminating and distract myself." How metacognition relates to OCD ... OCD isn't just about intrusive thoughts — it's also about how people relate to and interpret those thoughts. That's where metacognition comes in. Many researchers (especially Adrian Wells and others who developed the metacognitive model of OCD) believe that OCD symptoms are maintained by dysfunctional metacognitive beliefs - not just the thoughts themselves. Here's how that looks: 1. Intrusive thought appears: Everyone gets random thoughts (like "What if I swerve off the road?"). 2. Metacognitive interpretation: In OCD, the person might believe "Having that thought means I'm dangerous," or "If I think it, it could happen." These are metacognitive beliefs - beliefs about the meaning and power of thoughts. 3. Attempts to control thinking: Because the person believes their thoughts are dangerous or revealing, they try to suppress, neutralize, or analyze them - leading to compulsions, reassurance-seeking, or rumination. Ironically, these efforts strengthen the obsession by giving it more importance and attention. Common metacognitive distortions in OCD • Thought-action fusion: Believing thinking something is morally or practically equivalent to doing it. • Thought control beliefs: Believing you must control or eliminate certain thoughts to stay safe or good. • Overimportance of thoughts: Thinking that having a bad thought says something true about who you are. • Need for certainty: Believing you can't rest until you're 100% sure about something. Why understanding this helps Modern therapies like Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) or ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) both target this metacognitive layer - not the content of the thought itself, but how you relate to it. They teach that: • Intrusive thoughts don't have inherent meaning. • You can observe them without engaging. • Trying to control thoughts actually keeps OCD going. So, in short: OCD isn't just a "thought problem" — it's a metacognitive problem about how you interpret, react to, and try to manage those thoughts. Would you like me to explain how metacognitive therapy specifically uses this understanding to treat OCD? It ties directly into learning how to step back from obsessive loops. 🔴Yes 🔵Perfect - this is where it gets really interesting (and often very freeing for people with OCD). Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) was developed by psychologist Adrian Wells, and it focuses not on what you think (the intrusive content), but on how you think about thinking - your relationship to your thoughts. The Core Idea In MCT, the problem isn't the intrusive thoughts themselves — it's the metacognitive processes you use in response to them. For example: • Thought: "What if I accidentally hurt someone?" • Traditional reaction: "Oh no, why did I think that? I need to make sure I never do." • MCT view: The problem isn't the thought - it's your belief that the thought is meaningful or dangerous. So instead of analyzing or neutralizing the thought, MCT helps you step out of that mental struggle entirely. The Metacognitive Model of OCD According to Wells, OCD persists because of something called the Cognitive Attentional Syndrome (CAS) — a pattern that keeps the obsession alive: 1. Worrying, analyzing, and ruminating about the thought 2. Focusing attention inward (monitoring for danger, checking how you feel) 3. Doing rituals or compulsions to get certainty or relief Each time you engage in this loop, your brain learns, "This thought must matter - keep paying attention to it." MCT works by breaking this loop. § What MCT Actually Teaches Here's what therapy focuses on: 1. Detached Mindfulness You learn to notice thoughts without reacting. Instead of asking, "What does this mean?" you practice thinking, "That's just my brain producing noise." You don't try to control or push thoughts away - you let them exist without judgment or response. 2. Changing Metacognitive Beliefs You challenge and test the "rules" your brain has been following, like: • "If I think it, it might happen." • "If I don't control my thoughts, I'll lose control!" • "I have to be certain before I can move on." Through behavioral experiments and guided exercises, you learn those beliefs aren't actually true. 3. Reducing Mental Rituals Instead of replacing or analyzing thoughts, MCT teaches you to drop the strategies that feed OCD - like mental checking, reassurance-seeking, or endless "what if" reasoning. This feels uncomfortable at first, but it's what allows the anxiety to fade naturally. Difference Between MCT and ERP • ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention): You expose yourself to the trigger and prevent the compulsion. • MCT: You focus less on the trigger and more on your thinking style — learning that thoughts are harmless mental events. They actually complement each other: ERP changes behavior; MCT changes how you relate to the mind itself. Why It Helps OCD Specifically People with OCD often have high metacognitive awareness — they notice and think about their own thoughts a lot. MCT helps channel that awareness in a healthier direction, teaching you to watch thoughts like passing clouds rather than threats you need to analyze. When practiced consistently, people often find: • Fewer compulsions and less rumination • Less urgency to "figure things out" • More comfort with uncertainty • Quicker recovery from intrusive spikes

A couple of weeks ago I had to do an assignment involving more than one person. And ever since I realized I did a project/assignment wrong and had to do it again and quick as it was a day before thanksgiving break, keep in mind I have no access to the assignment after class I forgot to add the name of one of the people who designed one of the pictures in the project my brain has been spiraling like crazy. All week during thanksgiving break I’ve been thinking about it constantly over and over again. Then after I added the name of the designer and turned it in i remembered that the project will be printed and possibly published online if it’s good enough and the teacher talked about a border that will be around the assignment and to make sure to make the project fit. My brain started tweaking out telling me that the name won’t be there and I’ll be accused of plagiarism. I constantly asked the teacher questions about the assignment throughout the week. After I asked the teacher about the printing she showed me how she’d print it and that she moved the name. But then my brain spiraled out later in another class telling me that what about if she publishes another part of the project online months later, (the one that she chose not to print but can still technically be published online if she thinks it’s good enough). I then asked her about it again. She said she that if anything related to online publishing it’ll will be in months. Then I asked her again when she wasn’t as busy about what if there was a border hypothetically and it covered the name of the person who made the picture, would you edit it and she said yes. Now currently my brain annoyed me once again telling me what if the border is too small for her to notice the name of the creator of the picture being covered by it and she publishes it without double checking and you get in trouble or accused or plagurism. These thoughts feel genuine and that I have to keep asking. I told the teacher about my ocd and constant thoughts and she said I’m allowed to email my instrusive thoughts to her about the assignement even if she may respond late. I wanna do that but if I keep getting reassurance or anything like that it’ll worsen the thoughts. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to my friend who also has ocd about it, he introduced me to this app, I’ve talked to my mom about it, I’ve talked to the teacher about it. These past weeks I’ve been stressed, sleep deprived, I often woke up with my hands shaky, I can’t concentrate on homework, and I keep arguing with these thoughts and losing. Worse of all everytime I’m in the class where I had the project my thoughts are extremely strong. I just want my life back.

I bet this will be over by this morning but I’ve just been intimate with my partner for the first time in ages and now my ocd is trying to convince me that he didn’t even wanna have sex and I just forced him which had made me feel anxious and cry. I’ve asked him for reassurance and he says that if he didn’t want to he would have said but am worried he’s lying to me he’s told me to pack it in asking him questions. What if am a bad person I can’t touch him ever again. Am worried I’ve accidentally done something wrong and he won’t tell me. An amazing moment between us feels ruined now as am upset at the thought he might not have wanted to do it and what if I’ve forced him? 🥲

we decided it was best to break up, we live together, but shes still in school and because im not and my job is already falling apart its best for me to leave this coast and return where im from. its devastating, over 2 years together and if i just had better impulse control and was a better listener and didnt avoid our issues things wouldve been better. but at the end of the day this was a mutual decision and was necessary for our individual growth, we both need time and space to grow and heal. the hope is that we can rekindle our spark again in the future but my bipolaresq spiraling and disrespect and instigation of fighting isnt helping either of us and makes her scared of me, and im scared of me too, who have i become. its for the best, its necessary right now and we have faith this will make us stronger together but we also have to accept the uncertainty. and thats hard. im gonna keep going to CODA and start therapy back in my home state, its just a temporary move back to let things settle and be less tense, but with space and time i hope we will be better individuals so we can be better for each other. its devastating, but we both need to respect ourselves and i need to let her go for good and the only way i can is to leave for a while.

...

Came back home, today was okay as when it came to work- but I felt super insecure today because out of impulse I trimmed my bangs and it ended up super short and because of the weather it made my hair super static, I look like a mess now, I barely paid attention to class since I kept looking at myself in the camera and old photos of me and just kept cringing or feeling jealous about my past looks compared to now I feel super gross. 😣💔 Kept my jacket on the whole day too because my outfit sucked and I felt super duper overstimulated and when I came back home I found my room to be all picked up but now I can't find certain stuff that I was going to use today, my closet broke, I need to still finish some stuff today and I still have classes tomorrow and I have to talk to people + OCD is now making me freak out over the thought of someone seeing me look at myself constantly in the camera and now thinks I'm a freak, or classmates saw me mumbling to myself and struggling to fix my out of control hair and now everyone thinks I'm even uglier and weird and tomorrow something bad is going to happen- intrusive thoughts are making me rewind to every conversation and text I've gone through, and my mind is saying that I'm done for and I feel like a failure to everyone and everything.. I'm just super overwhelmed right now and so upset this is not how I want things to go ughhh. 🥹💔

In regards to my relationship, this is just what I keep asking. Is it ROCD or am I just not into her? I see some people writing " I Know I love her but my ROCD tries to tell me that I don't", and that seems understandable, but in my case is "Do I love her? shouldn't I know and so I'm just using ROCD as an excuse not to break up so that I won't be alone?". For context I have been diagnosed with OCD here at NOCD, and I do have thoughts like ( I don't feel as attracted, she's gaining weight and this and that, is she the right one for me, will I be happy if I get married, do I want to get married? have kids?, etc) She's a great person, the best! but do I love her? or rather am I in love?, etc

I just need somebody to talk to please

Adults only For some reason, I didn't sleep good today. I had trouble sleeping and I only got about 4 hours in. I hope it doesn't happen tonight. I was so anxious and scared that this was going to start up all over again and I really don't want that. Unfortunately I have a routinely use of porn still and today it triggered a lot of POCD. I looked for fictional characters and found a lot through several channels but unfortunately these channels have some really disgusting things on there that clearly involve minor characters and it's just gross. I just try to scroll pass them and avoid clicking on them and just focus on the content I'm comfortable with. There was one that I found very attractive but then it made me feel uncomfortable because I found out the character is 19 years old but is also a ghost that has aged overtime. I just feel uncomfortable about the theme being around a dead person even if they aren't real. Then it made me worry about other times I may have found underaged characters attractive in the past. I also recall characters being aged up in results I saw, which I normally don't like and don't watch because it feels wrong. I think the only reason people upload this nasty stuff is they argue that they aren't real people and by law it's not illegal for that exact reason. That doesn't mean it's not fucking disgusting, wtf. Another thing is several times I've seen adult women cosplay as fictional minors in their sexual content. I don't know why this is so common. I'm not having the best time right now. Even though the character was an adult I still feel triggered about finding attraction to people in their late teens, even if they are adults. I guess it's the age gap consideration. I just hope that I sleep better tonight and I also hope that I can put this stupid habit down forever. The only reason it's so strong is because I feel I need my phone to sleep at night and when I wake up, the first thing on my mind is my phone and porn. Before all of this I was doing really well. It was just this one night that threw me off track.

i automatically compulsive imagined a trigger se*ually and "attractively". As soon as I saw that i felt automatically instant arousal, not in the groin, but in my mind, as if I experienced attractiveness. As soon as that happened I instantly felt dread and distress, i was panicking, because it happened without my control, automatically. Can someone explain this why and how it happened? And if it's normal. Or if I did something irredimable.

Lately I’ve been noticing the early signs of my OCD flaring, but I’m already in a depressive phase - even with the awareness, I still struggle to pull myself out of it. I stop leaving the house, basic self-care drops, I avoid groceries and day-to-day tasks get slow, compulsion FORCES cleanliness, from cleaning the windows, to the vents, carpets, literally doing any home cleaning tasks, over and over, each day, telling myself things will be fine once everything is done. Fun fact, things still aren’t fine but the house is clean. I’m just shut down mentally. It’s hard to feel stuck even when you can see it happening, and feel it happening. I’m sharing this here because NOCD has helped me understand my patterns in such a short time, and I’m trying to catch them earlier instead of disappearing into them, but I’m asking for help with this one, because it’s hard. If anyone else goes through these cycles, how do you stop the slide before it gets too deep, before you fully shut off from things & the people around you? I’d appreciate something small to start off with before recommending big tasks or outings.

I'm going to a concert tonight in a really intimidating area of the city I'm near. I say intimidating cause I never know what's gonna happen. But mind you I'm 19. And I really don't wanna screw this up or get screwed up. My parents are being very trusting of me and society rn. They never usually are. Especially me going to a show by myself no matter the venue. I'm going early but by the time I leave people could be drunk. And I'm scared this is a christan music artist and it's supposed to be really positive vibes but I swear I'm going to have a panic attack I did last time in the area even when I was with my parents. Well more of anxiety attack but still I'll be by myself. I'm not vulnerable but I look like I am. I also don't wanna ruin the night for the musican or anybody. Should I like ask the staff or musican he's small enough that I can probably talk to. And I'm one of the regular fans like regular customers. So... Idk... How would I ask if I can wait inside the venue after. I'm actually so scared rn. I'm having anxiety rn😭 I'm for sure I'm gonna have a panic attack. I mean I have my imaginary friends for a reason but they're not physically real. I also have a fear of the government and stuff related so how would I even ask security if I can stay and wait with them. I hope I can make some new friends so I won't have to go out alone again. I'm pretty sure the musican seems nice enough to let me wait by stage if I really feel uncomfortable in the crowd by myself. Idk I just feel like I'm begging for attention so I'm probably gonna end up making myself suffer.

Could really use help and all my posts are getting hidden and I don't know why, even though there's nothing bad I don't think so I think I'm just going to leave this post here to talk about it instead of repeatedly making the same posts

I’ve recently hit a very big milestone with my boyfriend. The problem is my fear happened again, I didn’t enjoy it, and couldn’t feel anything because I’m always subconsciously monitoring everything I feel/don’t feel. TMI but It’s really REALLY hard for me to get turned on and the last time I was FULLY in the mood was a couple years ago when I met up with my ex. But after that It’s never happened again. Extra TMI but I can’t even get aroused to things I used to be aroused by before this theme bc I feel like I’m watching for my reaction. But when it’s things I don’t want to feel any arousal towards I get aroused. Moving on, when I first noticed I had a crush on my current boyfriend 4 months ago, my mind was clear and I wasn’t really checking as much. But, when I noticed my feelings and attraction for him my body went into a “scanning” mode and I felt myself going numb. I would start to check if I found him attractive every time I saw him, if I still felt the same way the day I realized I thought he was cute, or if I was still excited about calling him. There’s times where him and I kiss and I’m fully present and enjoy it. But when I notice I start to focus on it again and I start to feel nothing. The best way I can describe it is there is a mini me in the back of my head watching everything I feel. Everything I think, feel, and dont feel is always being “watched” and I don’t know how to stop it. I miss being fully present when I’m with him because I finally felt the things that have been “shut off” ever since this theme started when I was 15. The more I subconsciously monitor the less I feel for him and I hate it.Im trying really hard not to ruminate on my lack of strong feelings, attraction, and libido when I come back from dates with him now. It really sucks because in the beginning of the relationship I was so happy about finally feeling attraction and emotions again. This is so annoying and I really hope someone can relate 😭. I need tips please.

Ive been thinking a lot abt what happened still w last post i made on here ,and I also have had some stuff happen for an update. Summarizing my last post really briefly, I found out a friend had unadded me and softblocked me on everything whilst I was already very paranoid that my friends did not like me. When I asked about it I was told that it was because 'our communication styles clash/ different kind of autistics' and it wasnt my fault. When first discovering they had done this (unadded/softblocked me on everything suddenly) I tried to handle this well,but I got very very paranoid and frantic,and I asked them if it was ok to re-add me and I asked if they were upset w me bc they did not do this to anyone else in the server ,which i think bothered this person and I should not have done (i was added back for a little while but eventually unfriended again) it was the next day after all this happened I was told that this friend felt pressured when I came to them about this,and though I also apologized for this i cant stop thinking abt it. Lastly was the fact there was an incident a few weeks ago where this person felt I was derailing convos,again this was something I apologized for,but I cant stop thinking abt it and if it played a part. I feel really guilty and like I keep fucking up,and im still quite scared everyone is going to leave me.

Why can’t I just have it all. Why can’t I just have it both ways . Life SHOULD be fair. I have been so active lately bc I’m in such a dark place and I feel selfish and I’m sick of trying to control everything especially things I can’t control or that aren’t my business. But I genuinely feel so depressed and I don’t know who to talk to ab this erp hasn’t been helping me