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Pocd is crippling me. I’m so scared that I can’t come back from this relapse 💔

Can I tt smb please and please have a conversation with I need help badly...

So ocd, doesn't take it easy on me. I am always tired and overstimulated my thoughts are running wild. And my emotions always lurking on the surface. I had a shitty day today. I have had the tabbo thoughts. Way too Sexual. I dont have the gut to share them for you tho. So my mom and dad started attacking me about how i am always mean and a bitch and how i am a bully and ruin lives. Just like someone close to them did to them. It escalated quickly, and i finished the argument with the "as if you protected me in the past" its a quite sensitive topic for our family. My dad left and came back with red teary eyes. And now my mom gives me death stare looks. And now i truly feel bad. I have really become what i always hated. But its not only my fault. My parents are too. They were supposed to make me live a safe happy childhood. I grew up always neglected, unsafe, suffering.

Yesterday I had a good day. I felt like my OCD was there but I was able to not engage with it much. The harm thoughts towards my wife and daughter I could distinguish as OCD and not feel like I wanted to actually go through with anything. Then OCD decided to tell me because I’m doing better it means I’m crazy and will act on my thoughts. Now today I’m back in the feeling of having to act on my thoughts. I don’t want to harm anyone but my OCD tells me I have to or I’m going to keep feeling anxious all the time.

Does anyone feel like they don’t have any friends or like they’re not really able to let their guard down and be themselves with anyone? I feel like I have an obsession with not having real strong relationships, like I’m broken. Not only because I see other people having so much connection with friends and family, but also comparing my current self to a past self that didn’t seem to struggle with this. At least until I got hurt or my trust was broken and then I closed off; but that happens to everyone, so then I just judge myself for being too sensitive, too self-involved and taking things too personally, so much so that it’s ruined my relationships and any chance at real authentic friendships or partnerships. I used to want to create shows and art with people because that’s how I felt most vulnerable and able to really connect authentically, but then I didn’t do it, and now I regret it because it feels like it’s too late. Mostly just venting, but I am really curious if other folks feel totally alone/isolated and like they don’t have anyone that really knows them or that they full trust. I really just want a good friend again.

Adults only Random but it would just be nice to be confident in myself and in the idea of dating people and asking people out. Can't really do that though because of all of the shame I have about how porn has been in my life and affected it so much. Just thinking about it makes my feel very isolating and really disgusting as a person and I just wish I could take it all away. Take it all back I guess. Idk, that's really it. I just wish I had the courage to ask out the person I like. I see plenty of people around me interested in other people, dating other people, and I have my chance right there but I feel like I'm blowing it and have been blowing it for so long. Even if I were to ask out this person, it just feels so disengenuous because they don't know about these secrets the I keep from my friends and family from this porn use. Worse, I just find myself going back to it. That's it I guess. I don't know if anyone else relates. I have one very good friend of mine here that strongly relates, which is nice to have. But I still feel alone about it. I feel like it's my fault completely too.

I was struggling, for months I was having a hard time. My OCD was triggered in the month of April this year and that’s where it began. It was really hard and for a month it got more and more difficult. Then I decided to find some therapy near me. It was talk therapy and it was nice, but I was still struggling, and I needed more guidance. During this time, it was so bad I was counting the days in between my therapy sessions when I first started talk therapy. Throughout talk therapy, I realized that I needed more help and I needed someone who can speak my language and you can understand the thoughts and feelings that I’m having. I’m sure that we all go through that when first dealing with Obsessive compulsive disorder. I didn’t understand it myself, maybe that’s what I say now, but maybe underneath all that misunderstanding. It was anger at the fact that this was happening to me. I felt angry. I was compulsively washing my hands 70 times every day I was basically hiding from people when they were talking to me, and I could barely touch food with my hands. I was suffering from contamination OCD, and before I knew it had engulfed my life. Fear became a bad friend. It was my biggest indulgence. I feared absolutely everything and anything. It was difficult. I felt alone, isolated, and hopeless. I was reaching a boiling point and that’s when I decided to go with NOCD and give it a try. Fast-forward months later, my life feels so much different. I still struggle on a daily basis but nowhere near as much as I once did. I feel like I mention it every session, but it’s crazy how much progress I made I’m always telling my therapist that I’m doing things that I once thought were impossible like touching my face, easily eating food with my hands, or looking at others when they’re talking to me. These were things that I literally couldn’t do a couple months ago. I still struggle every single day, but I’m learning every single day. I’m 25 years old and in my 25 years of living OCD has been the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through and if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you can heal. It takes time and you have to keep it up. You can’t quit. Even as of writing this I’ve been going through some spikes lately, but I want you to know that you can get through this. In one of my sessions, I use the analogy of hitting a tire with a stick. The analogy came from a story that my Dad would tell me about him growing up in Mexico and how he would hit a tire with a stick for fun. You have to keep hitting the tire with the stick for the tire to keep going and you have to view your OCD/mental health the same way. You must continually work at it. I hope this post finds you all well. Recovery is possible. You are going to fight battles that no one will understand. There will not be many people in your personal life will truly understand, but give them grace and give yourself the strength to search out those who do understand. OCD is misunderstood by the masses, so find those who understand. OCD recovery is not a self rescue mission, it’s imperative that you address it, and find the help you need. Give yourself the grace needed to observe yourself without judgement. Applaud the progress you make, make a big deal out of it. Set your sights on new horizons and break through plateaus. 7 months ago I felt like I was struggling with fearfully living, now my eyes are set on living as fearlessly as I can, one day at a time. You got this. - C, (25)

What should I do if my OCD is getting way out of control, but I cannot afford therapy? Like I literally cannot function on any level right now, I can't do basic tasks. I feel ridiculous. Does nocd still have those weekly zoom calls? Like as a group, and free?

To anyone who seeks the deeper message that you're reading, I'm bout to keep it real continue on to where I'm leading. Plant a seedling deep as your demons garden of eden, after you sown go before you know it, you're reaping. The problems that it's growing slow, maybe it is just a ruse, greenery ain't showing how could it with what you're going through? Mental issues blooming unprovoked undiagnosed, getting by at most within your vision line no sign of hope. It's a parasitic cloud, Taylor made a shade of Grey diminishes from time to time but never fully fades away. Like a song stuck in your head it lingers on everyday you say this process has a point? No fucking way. Maybe I'm just lying to myself denial piled in myself the truth revealed when I'm sitting here rhyming to myself. Burning in me like a wildfire hired for my health until I brake the guise I'm crying out for help! Ruminating on this several hours seven days up out the week, never coming close to answers that I'm setting out to seek. Shackled down by the jury in my mind that can't decide which way to sway, by the time that I arrived I wasn't free. I'm imprisoned by this system till I Conquer this disease I'm hanging by a metal thread connected to a copper lead. Depression, OCD, anxiety disorder? Please. Time to cut the crap at last and admit that the act is me. If anyone has read this any would like to read the second verse, let me know and I'll post it.

TW: Mentions of traumatic events, sexual topics, and other things. I'll be 100% honest. This is going to be long. Very long. Very very very very long. I'm gonna try and keep it as concise as possible, while still providing enough details to properly express everything. Let's get started then. 1. Being a perpetrator of COCSA. I was young, around 12. This happened a few times. My step-brother was one of my victims. He doesn't seem to remember. I hate being around him. He acts perfectly normal around me, whereas I shrink myself down and try to be invisible. My step-mom was a victim of COCSA as well when she was really young. She started going off about it last night, about how much of a disgusting bitch her brother is, about how she wishes he would die. I wonder if my family were to remember what I did all those years ago, if they'd hate me, or if they'd try to kill me. They threaten to kill people messing with our family all the time. I almost just broke down crying when I heard her rant. I was on the phone with a friend and I basically just froze. Couldn't speak for a few minute. They were watching me play a game, and I just stopped playing for a moment. ___________________________________________ 2. My actions online. I was addicted to sexting for many years. Sending pictures of myself and receiving them from whoever would accept me. This took place from when I was like... 11-15. So many adults took advantage of me. I didn't even understand that this was illegal to do for the longest time. You'd think it'd be obvious, but no, I'm just a stupid idiot. There were questionable age gaps involved. I was 14 and someone was 17, I was 15 and someone was 12. I am so disgusted with myself, and I can't move on no matter how hard I try. ___________________________________________ 3. The death of my dog. We have to keep our German Shepherds and our small dogs separated, because one of the Shepherds will attack the small ones. One day, the violent Shepard got by the gate we built specifically to keep them back, and she attacked my dachshund. I was the only person to actually try to save her, everybody else just watched. I still have a small scar on my hand from where the small dog bit me out of fear. We live too far away from town, so there was no way we could've gotten her help in time. And even if we were closer, the vet was closed at this point. My best friend (who I'll talk about soon) said that the best thing I could do was try to keep her alive until morning. We couldn't stop the bleeding. She bled out, right there on the carpet. I lost it. I marched right up to my parents door and demanded we get rid of the dog. (Which, I'm normally quiet and timid, just shows how done I was.) That I was tired of worrying about this exact event happening every day. They shut me down, saying it was just an accident, and that I needed to calm down. My dad buried her right off the edge of the driveway. My brother accidentally hit it with the car the next day. I can't pet or be around that German Shepard without getting flashbacks. ___________________________________________ 4. Too much pain in the world. I'm tired of waking up every day and seeing some news story about how some place got bombed. Or how another war broke out. Or how children are getting trafficked. How am I supposed to live in a world so corrupt that even a sicko like me is disgusted? Why are the worst people in positions of power? People somehow more messed up than me, that actually ENJOY hurting people, getting all the power they could ever want. ___________________________________________ 5. I don't fight to stop the neglect. This part hurts to write. I still live in my neglectful household, since I haven't had the strength to work or really leave my house in 2 years. Dropped out of college at 18, and simply have been autopiloting since. My parents neglect my smaller dogs, and I'm only able to do so much to help them. One of them has fur so matted that you can't easily pet her anymore. And idk what to do. I can't cut her fur without help, because she flails around. I can't take her to the vet or a groomer, because then they'll call the authorities. I wish I could do more, but it feels so pointless. No matter how I try to fix up my house, it's never enough, no matter how much work I do for the dogs, it's never enough. ___________________________________________ 6. The toxic work culture and the system. I live in America, personally. I'm not gonna try and say it's the worst place to live, because it's absolutely not. But the idea that America is a shining beacon of hope and opportunity, is also false. I've watched the system beat down my entire family every way it can. My dad getting denied disability, my grandma being a victim of medical malpractice and nobody is willing to take her case. Am I so wrong for not wanting to participate? Am I so wrong for wanting to just run into the forest and never come back? I probably would, if I wasn't so weak and reliant on technology. I dunno anything about survival. ___________________________________________ 7. My POCD. (That I don't have a diagnosis of, but I hope that I have it.) I can't look at a child without having messed up thoughts. I can't hear a child's voice without getting groinals. Can't see a movie or an ad containing children without freaking out. I immediately shut my eyes or turn off the TV. I hate being around my nephew. I have false memories about him. What makes it worse, is that he loves me to death. During Thanksgiving, my family said that he looked sad until I walked out of my room. Despite me hating children as an adult, I've always been decent at entertaining kids. ___________________________________________ 8. My porn addiction. I've been addicted to pornography ever since I was around... 12? 13? It's been my main coping mechanism for years. Even now, when I'm obsessed with taboo themes and anything sexual disgusts me, it's still the only coping mechanism that works. Though I'll admit, if we had any alcohol around, I'd probably be drinking myself to death. I've watched so much messed up stuff. I've become desensitized, in a way. ___________________________________________ 9. My best friend. This'll probably be the longest bit, because it hurts the most. Saved this for last for a reason. She's been by my side for the last two years while I've been in my depressive slump. We've gotten so close over the last few years. Recently, though, I realized just how much of a disgusting perv and creep I've been towards her. Regardless of whether or not I've actually meant to be or not. All this creepy stuff has been my way of flirting, in a way. Especially when I was 18. I've gotten better at knowing what I should and shouldn't say over time. She tells me that I haven't done anything wrong, that she understands and accepts that I'm attracted to her sexually. (She even gets mad when I obsess and ask if I've done something wrong.) But I have, objectively, even if she doesn't think I have/she forgives me for it. I've been a pervert, plain and simple. I also have a real event/false memory of my potentially touching her inappropriately while we were swimming. I did do it, completely by mistake, and she acknowledges that, but I'm scared I actually meant to do it, enjoyed it, or even tried to do it again. I was so clingy that day, resting my head on her shoulder and cuddling with her in the car. (I asked permission to do so, of course) So the fact that I was already more touchy than I normally would be with any other person, I'm convinced that it did happen. ___________________________________________ So that's all. All that I'm willing to talk about. There's more than this, obviously. I want to stop obsessing over things. I know what my true values are, regardless of what events are real or not, regardless of what I can or cannot control in my life. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to take advantage of people. Quite the opposite. I want to ease people's pain. I care about my friend so much. I have cried my eyes out over her so many times because I'm so scared I've hurt her, and she just won't admit it. She begs me to move out, to go live with her. And I don't trust myself to. I don't trust myself around her anymore. I want to know what she sees in me. She says I'm so kind, so respectful. That I'm one of the only people that click with her. But I feel like I've gaslit her into thinking that I'm a good person. Especially since she doesn't know about a lot I the stuff I talked about here. What am I even supposed to do, about any of this? Does anybody have any advice at all? I know I've talked about some heavy stuff, but I genuinely want to be a good person. I want to be better. But I don't know how. I'm just stuck in my room all the time because that's all I know how to do. For now, though, I'll probably just continue to lay in my bed. It's really all I have the strength left to do.

Sleep is becoming my biggest issue. I think being on fluoxetine has definitely helped but since the dose is high rn (80 mg) I think its definitely exacerbating my sleep issues. Ironically, I am so tired of being tired 🥲

I read Dr. Greenberg article but I can’t seem to apply it.

Hi everyone, this is my first post here so sorry if the format is off. I’ve been working with my therapist for about a year and a half. I’m not clinically diagnosed, but based on everything I’ve shared, she believes I have OCD. My obsessions shift over time, and for the past six months it has focused on relationship OCD around friendships. I constantly analyze whether the people I feel close to actually feel the same way about me. If I don’t get the exact kind of reassurance I’m hoping for, I spiral. Therapy hasn’t helped this specific issue much yet, and honestly it feels like it’s getting worse. I keep convincing myself that I have no friends, that I’m a loser, and that I’m basically a social reject in my town. I’ve even gotten into this pattern where I obsessively Snapchat people every single day because I’m terrified that if I don’t, they’ll forget about me or think I don’t care. Then I end up feeling like I’ve annoyed them. And when there’s a group outing with the girls in my town and I’m not invited, I get devastated for weeks. I don’t know if that’s normal or not, but it feels like confirmation that I’m rejected and don’t belong. I talk to a lot of people on Snapchat and I have several male friends (I’m female), but my OCD tells me that male friends don’t count and that having a big female friend group is the only “normal” way to be. That thought really eats at me. I want to put myself out there, but I get too scared. I’ve tried apps like Bumble BFF but never follow through. I’ve messaged old friends to hang out, but I get anxious about going to the things they do. The strange part is that I’m not even sure what I’m looking for anymore. I just know I’ve had good and bad friendships, and I can tell there are people I’d genuinely love to be friends with and others I don’t really want in my life. I’m not sure what to do next or how to break out of this loop. Any insight or similar experiences would mean a lot.

I feel like I don't see much about the type of OCD I'm experiencing, so maybe others can relate? I got engaged in April and have the most incredible fiancé. He is kind, understanding, and tells me constantly that he would never leave me in a million years. But losing him, my best friend and the love of my life, is my absolute worst fear in this world. I would never be the same. I'm an independent person, so I don't want this to sound like I depend on this relationship in an unhealthy way, but he isn't just my partner, he is literally my best friend. I mean seriously, we have so much fun together, we love each other so much, and he is just the biggest blessing. I have this fear that I'm going to do something or think something that would essentially be the thing that he leaves me for. So now, I'm constantly in this state of worry, feeling like I need to confess these thoughts to him. They may be intrusive, or have some logic to them but are essentially not a big deal and not worth saying. But anything that could be perceived as negative, I have to tell him. Like for example, I thought of something as a flaw on him, and I immediately spiraled and had to tell him just to make sure he wouldn't leave me for that. I essentially feel like if I don't say anything, I'm lying to him, and that I'm keeping something from him. I constantly tell myself, "he loves you so much, he would never leave you." but then I'm like, "Yeah, but what if this is the last straw? If he knew, would his feelings change?" I'm back in therapy for my OCD now, because this has really been affecting me, and it's just terrible. I feel like I don't deserve the happy moments I have with him, or at all. Like, I don't deserve to be present in the moment.

my friend has a girlfriend who met on tinder abroad and they started seeing each other as she came to our country. (i haven't heard from him for a while because i was focused on my studies, so I don't actually know if they're still together, i hope not) The issue is that she lied to my friend on being 19 the whole time she was with him, and she actually was 3 years younger than him. He didn't know that and still had s&x with her a few times. During her stay in my country she was still 16 (he wasn't aware) and my friend had just become like 20 a week ago, she would have become 17 a month later. My friend discovered it during her stay, and i'm afraid about the possibility that he could have had s&x even after discovering the age, because maybe he could have thought that he had just become 20 and that she was basically 17, while on paper until that following month she would have been 16. My friend is a good guy, I do not know how to ask this without sounding weird. I asked advice before and some people think he's a creep and deverses to be arrested. He's not that type of person I can assure you that. I think it mainly lies on ignorance and stupidy rather than malice, since, while not personally agreeing with it, a 3 years age gap in my country is considered not weird, even though i find it personally inappropriate. I will try to confront him about such topic, and make him realise it's inappropriate. I don't know what should I actually do. I don't want to break that 10 years friendship. Wouldn't a good friend be someone who made him understand and make sure they don't repeat it again instead of cutting them off their life completely? And to what degree is something forgivable or not acceptable? If he still kept the relationship and put on hold any se^ual rapport, after gaining the age gap context, but was unsure if to still try to keep the romantical relationship as he catched feelings (they've been in a 1 year distant relationship), and then came to his sense and break it off, would i be still allowed to be his friend? and what if the worse happened? not thinking deeply abt it and generalising the fact that they were basically 17 and 20 and kept having s&xual rapports? I don't know what could I do in such case. I really hope he didn't. I'll talk to him about it. But please offer any help.

Adults only So I watch adult content and I'm trying not to be ashamed of that. It's something I'm sure almost all of us seen and may watch. Does anyone else struggle with POCD and see content that has fictional minors and it's just disgusting? You don't search for it but it still comes up anyway? Whether it's channels that have the content that is okay but then you go on their channel and they have disgusting stuff on their channel but you hope that they are just adults? Whether it's playlists, channels, it's annoying when people upload stuff like this and it's gross. I don't ever search for stuff like this but it still comes up and I only try to watch content I'm comfortable with. I get horrible flare ups and intrusive thoughts related to POCD whenever this happens. Worse, I'll watch something with a character I think is an adult and I get really worried about their age and then I get thoughts that say "You were attracted to this minor and didn't know her age" which really hurts me mentally too Do people without OCD just not care about this stuff?? I'm sure they do but not to this extent. If they see it, do they get very disturbed for a long time? I just don't know what to do. I feel very alone in this.

I’ve been having so many sleepless nights lately. I’ve always dealt with insomnia from rumination, but now that I’ve stopped smoking weed to fall asleep, I’m realizing how much it was covering up. My brain literally will not turn off. It is not even conscious thoughts. It is like my subconscious is running in the background while my eyes are closed. It feels more like I am stuck in meditation than actually sleeping. Last night I got maybe thirty minutes of real sleep. My body is so used to this that I still get up when my alarm goes off, but I am a zombie the whole day. I tried to lay back down around 8 a.m. for just an hour, and when I opened my eyes it was 8:52. I was not actively thinking about anything. It is just this quiet mental noise that keeps my whole body restless while I am praying for REM. Melatonin does nothing for me. I tried it again and it did not change anything. I am honestly scared my system is out of sync, and part of me keeps wanting to go back to weed because at least I slept. But I am trying to stay sober and clear headed, and I also have this dental implant so I really should not be smoking anyway. Just needed to get this out. If anyone has dealt with this level of insomnia, what helped you? I am struggling.

Do you have personal experience with OCD medication, and do you would recommend one over another? Up until 2.5 years ago, I thought I had general anxiety with OCD thrown in. Then I determined that it's actually OCPD and OCD calling the shots, and they cause me general anxiety. I've been taking Citalopram for GAD the past 11 years, and I don't think it's as effective anymore. I would also like to try something that's prescribed for OCD. I've done my research and have come across a couple I want to talk to my doctor about, but it's always good to hear others' experiences too.

How does one get over a breakup? I have very little experience will take any ideas

my friend has girlfriend who met on tinder abroad and they started seeing each other as she came to our country. The issue is that she lied to my friend on being 19 the whole time she was with him, and she actually was 3 years younger than him. He didn't know that and still had s&x with her many times. During her stay in my country she was still 16 and my friend had just become like 720 a week ago, she would have become 17 a month later. My friend discovered it during her stay, and i'm afraid he kept having s&x after discovering the age gap during that time frame where on paper they would have been 4 years apart . My friend is a good guy, I do not know how to ask this without sounding weird