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Can I talk to someone please? I'm anxious and very scared rn :(

"First pOCD story + false memories" [Trigger warnings] pOCD, false memories, self-harm *Introduction:* this is the earliest story I remember I have dealt with pocd - I don't remember how it all started. It causes me panic, sleepless nights, suicidal ideation and motive to cut myself. *basic information:* female, 20s, I identify as demisexual panromantic (you can think of myself as bi), in therapy with a non-ocd specialist but diagnosed with it by 2 different psicologists since November 2019 (though I haven't had therapy since February due to the virus), I suffer from pOCD since early-mid 2017. My OCD exploded into major proportions in July 2019 - - - × - - - Like I've mentioned before, this is one of the first events (or the very first) that made me wonder if I was a "p". Summer 2017, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet, pretty, adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... But in that moment, I feared I felt some sort of romantic attraction to her... Sometimes I get on the verge of tears because it was so strong... - this felt like attraction. As I'm recalling the day, I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush). I spent the whole day panicking internally, wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her - I tried to dismiss the thoughts believing my head was trying to fool me so I still enjoyed the day and tried to fight those thoughts by engaging with her and playing with her, despite the fear I felt. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides and grabbed her and thrown her into the water (like I used to do with my brother). This where my false memories begin. (which will later be explained) After the day was over, I regreted playing with the child, thinking that, if I was a "p", I shouldn't had... That "p" people want to play with children and touch them... (like the piggyback) and I was so afraid the parents didn't like my actions. - - - - × - - - - - **FALSE MEMORIES** (due to my OCD and constant worrying, my brain became fried and the wrong portions of the memory are broken and make me wonder what I did) December 2019, I put the idea on my head that I have "hurt" a child on the past. And this is the only story I have where I interacted with a child. While I gave her the piggyback ride, I don't remember where I placed my hands: under her legs (the **right** way - like this: https://www.123rf.com/photo_28650454_man-giving-piggyback-ride-to-his-girlfriend-isolated-on-white-background.html) or under her butt (the **wrong** way: https://www.yayimages.com/7090938/mother-giving-son-piggyback-ride.html). For this reason, I am absolutely terrified that I placed my hands on her butt with evil intentions. Part of me believes this "memory" is false because I have never done anything inappropriate (that I remember); my piggyback rides are always the right way (but I I also vaguely remember pondering that I obviously had to hold her correctly); for the longest time I had a "clear" conscious (which means that I thought I didn't do anything wrong except wondering if I was attracted to her); I don't remember having evil intentions. But my mind... It doubts everything... It's tiring. My logical side vs OCD 1. - Me: I don't remember placing my hands under her bottom - OCD: but i don't remember where I placed my hands. 2. - Me: but I don't remember having bad intentions - OCD: just because I don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Plus, I pondered about how I should place my hands. - me: ok but I vaguely remember that I told myself that I obviously had and wanted to hold her the "right" way. 3. - me: I never did anything inappropriate to anyone before nor ever wanted to. I don't get pleasure for touching people without their consent. And even when I touch affectionately (non-sexually) people with consent (like hugs and touching the hair), I never got sexual gratification! I was happy for making others happy - ocd: there's always a first time and if I'm a "p", I only want to touch children. 4. - me: but I'm not capable of hurting anyone!! - ocd: but I have done that in the past! You may have never hurt anyone physically/sexually but there's always a first time for everything. 5. - OCD: I felt pretty guilty about that day... Maybe I did something bad... And I don't remember what happened... - me:... I think I felt guilty because I thought I was a "p" and that I shouldnt had interacted with her, specially the piggyback! - OCD: but you aren't sure though! 6. - me: I was worried about having a romantic attraction NOT a sexual attraction! - ocd: ok but since I started masturb-, I've changed... I started thinking about s-x a lot. Am I certain I didn't wonder if i were sexually attracted? - me: oh... Yeah... Now that you mention, I'm not sure. 7. - me: I don't even like butts!! - ocd: are you sure?? The other day I thought that naked lady on tv had a pretty butt! - me: but I don't want to touch it!! Nor I enjoy seeing people naked. It's uncomfortable! And this happened 3 years ago! I'm almost sure I hated butts back then too! - ocd: am I sure?? 8. - me: but she liked me so much!! And my friend reassured me that I didn't do anything wrong that day. - ocd: maybe the child didn't notice! Maybe my friend doesn't remember either! And so on and on... I also don't think I felt arousal or any groinal response. (my therapist asked me this) But I can't be sure. My memories of that day are very blurred. I've shared this story with my therapist and she told me that the reason for this fear is because I was mentally sexually abused by a family member and I'm terrified of doing to others what people have done to me. (and I always hated being touched in the butt) plus, according to her, due to the lack of affection on my childhood, I can't tell the difference between affection and attraction. and when I started masturb-, I made a bigger mess in my head. I'm so afraid to be in denial as well... Like this is all a lie I'm telling myself... I don't know what to think anymore. I remember enjoying her company and wanting to spend more time around her... But I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. (I also want to add that I never was alone with this child) At the end of the day, I remember feeling guilty for fighting those thoughts… because I was afraid that I did something inappropriate that I didn't notice. I regretted this whole day. When I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. I also would like to add that, thinking back about this event, I felt so disgusting and so evil… To be honest, I've always felt that way. Whenever I am insert in friendly social interactions, I feel like a monster, like I don't belong there. And that day was no exception but these these "evil" feelings were a lot bigger because of my thoughts and I honestly felt like a "p". Does it make sense? I felt so disgusting because I felt like one. I felt like a pervert… I felt dirty. This distress of thinking that my actions or conversations might have been inappropriate led me to crying, cutting myself and suicidal ideation. What keeps me sane is that the child said that she liked me to her mom and a month ago I asked my friend if I had done anything wrong that day (I didn't specify what) and she said "no, that I am never inappropriate". Me and the child were never alone too, my two friends were always around. The past 2 months, Ive been getting some Closure about the false memory and I told myself that I would never do that. Not today and not in the past because I was never like that. I never wanted to touch anyone inappropriately. But sometimes this fear returns and I'm so tired to deal with it. Two months ago, I created a swarm of new false memories where I had played with her hair / put her on my lap / gave her kisses... And I'm getting a lot of (what I hope it is) false images where I can imagine that and they feel like memories... Update! (June 25th, 2020) this will sound stupid but I tried to recreate a scene with my teddy bear which is big enough to give a piggyback ride the "wrong way" (hands under the butt) and it's so possible this false memory is true... Now I'm afraid that I may caressed it too! I want to cry because I don't remember what happened!! This is gross, but I groped my own butt to see if I've done it to the child in the past and I don't remember plus, I don't know how to grope someone but the experience with the teddy bear put my hand in a "good" position to grope someone... I'm almost sure I didn't do it because I don't remember but It feels like a deja-vu, does it make sense? I have a feeling that I did it, despite me not remembering it. That's what is making me going insane. Update! (June 26th, 2020) During this entire day, I don't think I was ever alone with the child but it crossed my mind that I could have forgotten it! After the pool me and my friends (including her sister) went to the child's bedroom where she showed me her beautiful drawings (she drew really well!). Like I said I don't think I was ever alone with her and I believed that after she showed us (me) her drawings, me and my friends went back to my friend's bedroom (I know it's a bit confusing) Suddenly, tonight, I remembered that my friends were bored about listening to the kid talking about those drawings..."what if they left?" I thought... I don't remember being alone with her and I'm afraid to ask my friend what happened... But it's possible I stayed alone because my friends were bored (though again, I don't have recollection of it) I'm panicking because maybe we got alone together and I did something wrong to her and I can't remember.. I feel terrible and shitty... I want to throw up!! I don't know what to do! What if this really happened?? Do I deserve to be happy or to kill myself?? I just- I'm still ao worried about this. I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about this. And then I slept for 10 hours so I didn't have to deal with this.

Let’s play a game! How many times have YOU been tested for Covid-19? I’m going on 4. Love ocd and fear related to symptoms. ?

I have an interesting subtype of OCD (I’ve been diagnosed) and just wanted to see if anyone has the same thing or similar compulsions. Ever since my first serious relationship, I’ve always been terrified that my significant other will cheat on me. I’ve been married almost 10 months now and since covid hit it’s like a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many sites or apps I’ve “checked” to try and see if he has accounts. Kik, WhatsApp, meetme, tons of dating apps, hookup sites, onlyfans, and the list goes on. I check various usernames and email addresses (even ones that could reasonably belong to another person) and it’s exhausting. If I don’t find anything, it’s not that it isn’t there, it’s just that I haven’t discovered it yet. It’s seriously so exhausting and logically I know it’s pointless because even if he is cheating on me he could probably find a way to hide it. Some days I feel a little better and don’t feel much need to check, but most of the time it’s all I think about and there have been times I’ve spent up to three hours a day checking random things. It sucks so bad ?

MY OCD STORY I’d like to tell you guys my ocd story because why it happened is still a mystery to me. I have never dealt with ocd for my life. I only dealt with some thoughts recently that I would worry about and obsess about but...most of my ocd thoughts would be something that my ex boyfriend would say. For example. My ex boyfriend would say things like, “I’d fuck her” about a random girl. Now I get those thoughts and deal with sexual ocd trying to repress those thoughts. Another thing is my ex used to say weird things about girls younger than him. Way younger, and talk about their body and how they’ve changed so much since the last time they’ve he’s seen them. This caused me to struggle with pocd. Anybody have any thoughts about this? I am not trying to blame him but just wonder if someone else had this experience or can explain what more this experience means for me. My therapist calls these traumatic memories, which I then obsess about.

Hi guys, I'm really sorry but it's me again me. I apologise for posting so often. So, as I've mentioned before, I have POCD (and possible real event and harm OCD, but this doesn't really matter at the moment). I've been struggling a lot with believing that this is not OCD and the real me, hence I've been dealing with a lot of disgut and hate towards myself. One of the things that has recently contributed to the doubt that this is not OCD is absolutely weird, and I apologise beforehand for any confusion caused: I have this thing where I almost don't want to be productive at all. It seems that I don't want to do my university work, read, listen to podcasts, finish my first embroidery, or anything that brings me happines and requires focus and attention. It feels like I would rather act on my thoughts, especially that I live with a child - my brother who is 8 years old - which to my brain seems really easy to do. It feels like I don't want to spend time being a productive, good person but harm children and being a disgusting deviant instead. I really tried to focus on my university work today, as it has piled up for the past months and I really need to get it done as soon as possible, but all I was able to think about was that I wanted to go and harm my brother. As always, it came with a really strong and overwhelming sensation. Me trying to focus on reading articles and learning stuff seemed so fake; I felt so in denial. As I've said in other posts, I really think I have some very weird symptoms, if I can call them that, that don't match with OCD, and I haven't seen anyone talking about this type of symptoms before, which makes my worry even more terrible. The worst thing is that this is not the only weird symptom I'm currently dealing with; I have so, so many others, and they all scare me and make me feel like a true pervert. Anyways... I'm really sorry for the lengthy text or/and if it makes no sense, but I really needed to share this with you as I've been feeling so miserable all day for experiencing this. Thank you so much for reading and being patient with me. I would like to know your opinions regarding this. I hope you have a lovely evening or day, depending on where you are on this planet. Take care x

I really need help I just read an article saying that people think HOCD isn’t a real thing. Have people actually recovered from this? What if it’s just internalised homophobia? I don’t want to be with girls it’s so distressing I just want all the thoughts and constant questioning to stop I feel like I can’t live him life properly anymore I just want to be happy and back to my usual self I feel like I can’t enjoy anything anymore.

I can’t get through my wedding with all this evidence swirling in my head. If I’m gay, I’ve betrayed him deeply. I don’t know what to do, this anxiety is making me think I should just run away instead of hurting him. I really don’t want to ruin things but I’m terrified sex will never get better, we will never get better, I will only like sex with a woman, etc. I’m supposed to be getting married. This sucks.

Everyday after 5pm I feel terrible... I don't know why, but since last year, when summer comes, i feel that. I don't know anymore what OCD I have, beacuse sometimes i have harm ocd, times like this i have existential ocd, because if i want something, i get this tought that, im really want it? Do i will be happy with that? Maybe nothing makes sens... and you always will feel like this... and than I feel terrible. Today i felt terrible because ocd makes me rude and i am sensitive and i get frustrated quickly, and than im rude with my family... and thats why i feel bad... Idk why i feel like nothings matter some times... i want this to end. I always was a nice with others, but this makes my so rude, that i hate it...I want my old life back! I will not let ocd win over me, so please guys, give me advices what i do when i feel these feelings and thoughs.My psychologist wont help, because she didn't know what ocd is... so guys if you help me i will appreciate it. And also is it possible to have multiple ocd?

I’m worried because someone came out gay on this app and he thought he had hocd. Now I scared I don’t have hocd and the thoughts are true pls someone comment

Does anyone else have an ocd theme that is about someone else rather than themselves? My whole theme is my husband. Not in an ROCD way, the opposite in fact! I hang on his every word, take everything literally, create false memories, feel insecure at times for absolutely no reason. Intrusive thoughts changing all the time, but always about him. He’s a wonderful man and been happily married for 35 years. Just don’t get it. Would welcome anyone’s experience of how to deal with this.

I've been pretty mad at myself lately. Recently, my therapy appointments haven't been going the way I'd like them to. I've been having my sessions over the phone, but today I got to go back in person which was nice but kind of awkward. Anyways, I can't get myself to talk about the important things. I end up spending most of my time talking about small stressors from the past week and I never get into the tough stuff, especially my OCD. It's so frustrating, but I always feel so stupid and embarrassed to have these thoughts and I can't get the words out of my head whenever I talk to him. They've been ending 15-20 mins early because I don't have anything else to say, or so he thinks. The truth is that I am filled with different things to talk about, but I physically cannot get myself to say anything. Does anybody have any advice?

Does someone have a call a partner that downplays your OCD or doesn’t believe you have it? How do you handle that? Background story: my partner comes from a background where he was not raised with discussing mental health or expressing feelings, and especially has never heard of OCD. Every-time I’ve brought up concerns about my OCD tendencies were affecting my life, the most common answer is “well everyone does that, you’re overreacting” or “I think you’re overthinking it”, or “it’s not a big deal”. Have any of you had this before and how do you address it? I feel undermined and frustrated.

How can I stop feeling “off” or stop being so aware of life if that makes sense? I mainly deal with existential and suicidal OCD so I’m guess that those two themes are what make me feel weird because I can’t even watch how someone’s life is going or think about my own life without having intrusive thoughts and feelings about how none of it has any meaning or none of it matters and how being excited to get a your favorite latte or going to the park to bask in the sunshine is meaningless. And I want to reiterate that I HATE feeling that way, I want to do all these cute and fun things but it’s such a downer when the thoughts and feelings come in anyways and try to rain on my parade. Sometimes I feel like I’m up above looking at everyone else living their “trivial” lives while it doesn’t mean anything but I don’t want to feel that way I want to enjoy every moment no matter how small, but I don’t want to be so hyper aware about life and what it means and what I do, that’s why I think that has to do with the existential ocd, and of course the suicidal ocd plays in there saying I should kill myself and I DONT WANT TO! This is all so annoying. Sometimes I wonder if starting meds would help stop these feelings and thoughts and fears. I normally do all the things I want to do, I go out with friends, watch my favorite shows, eat my favorite foods, have general fun, but can I stop having the thoughts and feelings saying otherwise?

my therapist recommended i write down an anxiety producing thought and then write a rational counter-statement to that thought. the thing is i fear that wont that only fuel my OCD? i asked my therapist this and they said that i should still try it because i have to teach myself to believe rational thoughts. what should i do? a lot of what i learned about OCD is to not give it power or attention but wont this give it attention?

Hi everyone! I’m not sure who saw my post a couple days ago about rocd attacking my boyfriends friends lol.. they’re not unattractive and I had some horrible thoughts (I call them horrible even though they’re “normal”).. I’ve had the fear or cheating, flirting, etc even though I know I would never. Sometimes I worry myself because I like impressing them but I only do that because they’re his friends so I want them to like me lol! Anyways, ever since then they’ve been still hanging out with my friends and I’ve been tagging along because I feel like hanging out with them is a good exposure but then my mind also picks at the idea that me hanging out with them is wrong since my boyfriend isn’t there with us.. he’s in the army and he’s helping at the elderly homes but he knows when we hangout and he seems fine with it.. anyways I just need someone’s opinion on this, thanks!

Im really involved with my church and I ya youth ministry. Something I am doing is researching and looking into the Bible and what is says about the LGBTQ+ community. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with same sex attraction it marriage. I’m not one of those people who says “I don’t support same sex marriage but I still love you” no I support all of it. I struggle with HOCD, and it used to be very very very bad, but then I got treatment and after intense ERP I was able I get a bit of my life back. I was able to like boys without worrying that I secretly liked girls and didn’t know it. Of course I still struggle from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Doing this research is kind of triggering, but it’s important to do because I want to make an argument that LGBTQ+ marriage and rights is ok and there is nothing wrong with this community. But I was doing some research online, I searched “what’s does the Bible say about being LGBTQ+” and I clicked on a website that said it talked about the Bible, but then it randomly took me to a sight that was for gay men to find other gay men and it had random pictures with men holding there penis’s out and such. Even though I am 17, I have never really exposed myself to stuff like that especially since I’m saving my first time for my husband. But then when I realized I wasn’t attracted or aroused by those unwanted and sudden images, I began to freak out. I started getting that feeling in my stomach that I had when I first got HOCD. When I was about 11 or 12, I was exposed to lesbian porn and was aroused by it (this only lasted for about 1 or 2 months and then I stopped because if felt icky to do it. Also I didn’t masturbate or anything I just watched it and was a roused). Even as a young girl I knew I liked guys and wanted to marry a guy one day, I mean I was boy crazy. And despite being aroused by that lesbian porn stuff, it didn’t make me doubt I was straight. But then when I was like 15 or 16 the HOCD started and that stuff came back to nip me in the butt and I constantly worried that because of the porn stuff that meant I was attracted to woman and was just in denial about it. Which made me feel sick because I didn’t want to date a girl because the idea of doing that didn’t feel right to me. But now because of what happened with the website leading me to that gay dating site thing, and I wasn’t aroused or attracted to the stuff I saw, my HOCD I starting to freak me out again. I know I’m attracted to guys, all I ever think about is having a boyfriend and getting married, I’m kind of a hopeless romantic. But because of all that stuff in the past and then what happened today does that mean I’m actually gay and just in denial of it? My worst fear is that either I will have my first kiss with a guy and then realize I’m gay, or one day a random woman will just come into my life and I will realize I am gay and want to be with her. This really sucks and I’m scared because within seconds now I feel like I’m back at squarer one after battling this OCD stuff head on for 2 years :(

Hi guys, I've been suffering with POCD for quite a while now. Because I reached a point where I was ready to commit suicide due to the continuous stress, shame, guilt and (self)disgust caused by my OCD, I have recently decided to start therapy. I'm happy with this decision as I want to learn how to cope with my thoughts in a healthy, effective way. However, there is one thing that slows me down. There is always this thought/question running through my mind that makes me doubt more than anything about my values: 'do I actually want to recover from OCD?'. Whenever I ask myself this question and answer with 'yes, of course, there is no doubt in that!' I get a really strong feeling of me lying to myself and/or being in denial about whether I want these thoughts or not. I know it sounds confusing, and I apologise for that, but why do I feel that I don't want to recover from this bad, unhealthy state full with terrible thoughts, urges and sensations?! I would really like to know your opinions. Thank you so much for reading this. And I apologise if it's confusing. Take care x

Has anyone else told their therapist any anxieties about porn or sex? It's a subject I feel awkward talking about because it's so personal and I'm nervous to being it up. Will she judge me if I mention I watch taboo porn? Am I a bad person because of it?

We have a son with OCD. He doesn’t want to get help at this point. My husband and I are desperately trying to find a way to help him and to best relate with him.