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the NOCD Community

I was on Paxil since the beginning of 2017 for OCD. The fear that pushed me to seek medication was the fear that I developed that I would get my wife fired from her new job. This fear at the time was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Previously OCD portrayed fears that related to me directly and when it started to put my loved ones in the line of fire I had to do something. The medication worked well and fast for me, by mid 2017 I was fully functional again. The fears and intrusive thoughts didn't go away but the anxious feeling that drove me to complete compulsions was no longer there. The toll of the medication could soon be seen and felt me. I couldn't feel any downs which was great but I couldn't feel any ups. This numbness of feelings was a big driving force behind why I wanted to stop the paxil. Another issue was my rapid and excessive weight gain. Before the medication I weighed 85kg/187lb and by the end of 2019 I weighed 110kg/243lb. Throughout 2019 I reduced my paxil slowly as recommended by my psycharist. By December 2019 I was completely off the paxil. The withdrawals were terrible and took at least 3 months to stop. My weight dropped to 95kg/209lb within a month and a half. My body feels healthier for it. Unfortunately many of the symptoms of my OCD resurfaced with a vengeance in 2020. Not because of covid but due to the isolation that has really exacerbated the OCD. I have been following different self treatment approaches through out the lockdown. The improvements I have had have been small and the journey using self treatment has been like a roller-coaster. I am currently researching to see if this mental illness could have been triggered by mold toxicity as there was a point between 2013 and 2015 I was exposed to mold, rotting wood and still water in a bathroom in the house I was living. The aggressive OCD that I have almost seemed to manifest itself over night during 2013. Before this point OCD didn't consume my life it was more of a quirk and a slight nuisance. Sorry for the self indulgent post, I think it helps me to post openly about my experiences with this monster we all know.

What are common ERP exercises for Health OCD? I just feel exhausted and I know I need help... My compulsion is going to an urgent care. I also google my symptoms. Going to the urgent care all the time cost so much money. :( And of course google makes things so much worse because everything is deadly according to google. This past month I’ve convinced myself I had pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, Parkinson’s disease, ALS, and colon cancer. I’m exhausted and just want this to stop.

I wonder: if ocd is an incurable disease, why should I spend money in drugs or psychotherapy if none of them will cure me? I have also tinnitus, which is an incurable condition too, but I’m not spending something to see an ENT doctor every week or taking drugs just because there is no cure.

I hate porn but I still watch it and fap. I hate it so much because its a sin for me. I dont know what to do expet sleep or taking lot of pills to cope with the urges. I hate the after feeling, the sadness and guilt it take to me about my salvation. Please someone help

I would like to urge people with hocd to not use any offensive language... as a lesbian I see people using terms like ‘abnormal’ and ‘disgusting’ used to describe my sexuality. I know you’re scared of losing your sense of self and identity, but that does not give you the right to treat the lgbt community as if it’s something bad and sinful. Please, think of your language.

TW, POCD I feel like a .... pedophile. I don’t think I am. When I was really young (11/12) I was under very very very little parental guidance. My parents divorced, my mom worked all nights and I took care of my siblings. Unfortunately I was introduced to porn at that time, if there is one major regret of my life, clicking that first link is it. I got addicted, maybe because it was Taboo or interesting? Idk why. I watched in front of my younger siblings. They never had any clue what I was watching, I never involved them at all. It is worse, sometimes I would engage myself (in secrecy) with my baby brother in the room. Still they were absolutely clueless as I was in a different area or the bathroom, and completely covered while they watched the tv obliviously in a different area. The worst part for me is I knew it was wrong but didn’t understand WHY it was wrong. I used to think, “if my mom caught me watching I’d be in so much trouble.” But it never once occurred to me why is it wrong for a person to do this, why could this be harmful to your siblings even if they never knew or never find out, how will this hurt your heart for the rest of your life? Like honestly it is the worst to live with and a major part of my ocd obsessive cycle is to confess and I’m scared of confessing. I’ve already confessed to my mom, my partner, I’m scared I won’t feel satisfied until I confess to more people. But people won’t understand what mental state I was in, what cognitive state I was in being 11 and the family dynamics that left me largely in charge and unsupervised at those times. I’m sorry I just need to CONFESS I guess

I have been dealing with scrupulosity since I was around 12 it usually revolved around my family but has spread to my everyday life. I like to write, to draw and to think up stories to write down. For the past six or seven months I have been obsessed on and off worrying that God doesn't want me making up stories or even imagining things including my future. I keep having these thoughts that say "You don't love God more than this." Then I have a feeling that makes we worry that I don't. So the thoughts go back and forth "do you love this more than God?" I say "of course not." Then I get a feeling that makes me feel like God wants me to stop thinking and just try really hard not to actively think so I find myself praying reptively be to figure out if thats what God wants. When I ignore it, I feel like I am disobeying God. I feel like I will end up loving writing more than God if I don't listen. The ocd keep asking me if I would stop imagining stories and writing and drawing forever if God wanted me to and I tell it "yes," I have stopped for several months before this but I don't want to if I don't have to. This is a horrible obsession and when I fall into it and realize what it is, I feel like I cannot carry on drawing or whatever because I messed up too badly and God will be angry at me if I do. I keep worrying that I secretly don't care what God wants I regards to my hobby and I would just keep on doing it anyway, of I really cared I would stop as soon as the ocd made me feel like it was Him, but deep down I know that isn't true. Why is this so hard?

my harm ocd came back very strong today. I was watching a movie with explosions and the voice in my head said “do you think that is beautiful? Is it beautiful? It’s beautiful. You like explosions?” And it’s terrible cause my brain keeps telling me I like explosions but I don’t think I do but it’s saying it’s cause I like people dying?? I feel like I’m going crazy. And Sometimes I’m accidentally a little rough when picking up my little dog and he doesn’t squeak or anything but I keep thinking I’m hurting him and I’m nervous my nails must hurt him or that I’ll accidentally hurt someone with my nails even tho they aren’t that long so I’m going to cut them. Anyone else with this? Help

Im scared bc I’m worried I’m gonna hurt him so Is me worrying that showing I don’t actually like him. I’m just worried but I think it’s cuz he’s so nice he’s different then who I’ve been with my brain isn’t use to this

Major trigger warning for pocd! I gave into my compulsions and started googling again. I know, I know, I just f*cked myself over. But it was hard to say "maybe I am" this time. And I saw someone on reddit try and justify pedophilia by saying "it's just bad in society's eyes, we don't have a moral rule book" and I started freaking out, because my ocd said "well if you're a pedophile, it's like they said, theres no rule book." And all of it DISGUSTS me. How could someone try to justify that? How could someone try to justify the thoughts that have plagued me for months? I'm terrified that my ocd will try to justify it everytime I have an intrusive thought and I CANNOT handle the anxiety. I'm 16 and I feel like I won't be able to see Christmas let alone graduation. What are your experiences and how have you coped with this?

I am in hell. I am afraid I am going to hurt my cat because things aren't sanitized enough or because the things I use to sanitize will poison her. ☹

i’m unsure if i have ocd, is it an ocd thing if i want to perfect everything i do and see others do? for example when my mother makes her bed and she doesn’t align the pillows in a perfect line it annoys me, same with me i cant sleep before i align my pillows and blanket symmetrically.

I’m so happy that this last week or so I’ve been feeling the best I have been since my OCD onset. I feel borderline normal now finally. I wanna let you guys know it’s possible. I mainly struggle with suicidal OCD along with some other themes and before therapy it was screaming at me every waking moment and now I get some intrusive thoughts here and there but it’s easier to let it go by and it’s quiet now. It’s doable!!!

Hi all, I have an ERP question. I have POCD and I am terrified I would enjoy harming a child, particularly young girls. When I practice exposure I get several things: fear, dread, negative talk AND the big one, a very intense, very real groinal response. I often obsess that if get rid the fear/anxiety, I am left with the thoughts and the grional response. Which You can imagine I fear. Like, the only thing that separates me from a pedofile is my fear, why would I get rid of it? Regardless, I still experience some relieve after practicing exposure but I am left with a groinal response that stays lingering all day and eventually becomes a trigger. Anyone else experiences this? Any suggestions to work trough this in ERP?

Does anyone else get triggered by unexpected or unplanned occurrences? I always get triggered when my husband says he wants to order food when I was planning on cooking. Or like we have to do an unexpected curbside pickup tonight and I'm getting so anxious. I just feel like anything unexpected could happen and I wont know how to handle it. (I have contamination ocd by the way).

Death anxiety is so draining

help , I in 13-14 years masturbated on furry, but then forgot. I had these thoughts again a week ago. am I a zoophile?

⛔️ HOCD and loss of identity ⛔️ I’ve completely lost my identity now. Before I knew who I was and who I wanted to become; I was like a completed puzzle. Now I feel like someone’s smashed my puzzle, I’m scrambling to find the pieces and when I finally start to refabricate the picture, it seems to change and I don’t know what it’s going to be anymore. I’m starting to believe my thoughts. In fact, I often get confirmation thoughts that say “you are ___.” Despite the fact that these thoughts cause excruciating headaches that can last hours - days, a sense of disgust and uneasiness and little crying episodes I feel lost. Recently I’ve had intrusive thoughts asking me whether I’ve come out yet. I’ve also seen several TikTok posts jokingly saying that you’re gay if you watch. All of these things have made me believe that I am yet I don’t want it; I don’t want to touch them or be involved with them romantically or physically. In fact, I find it repulsive. Yet my mind tells me it’s denial and the disgust is what accompanies the denial I’m feeling. It’s so distressing to me. Please help. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know who I want to be but my mind and my heart are fighting with each other. A little bit of guidance would be nice.

??? hi @holley. Let's talk here rn. Hope you see this :D

HELP! I just saw about four videos on my cup claiming that everyone watching is gay and it’s made me anxious because I’m scared as it’s called the “for you page.” It makes me so distressed. Is this telling me something? I hope that it isn’t because it makes me so uncomfortable.