Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I hate that my options to receive help are extremely limited. I have no health insurance, there are barely any therapists in the area I live in, much less an expert trained in anxiety and OCD. The last few I tried were not to my liking. Even if i could go, my parents get really judgemental about therapy, seeing it as a waste of time. I really wish I could go just to get some basic help and meds. I used to go to therapy when I was in college and that was such a privilege I dont think I'll ever get again. (10 bucks a month for Prozac) I hate that covid brought back my OCD. 2019 really was my last best year. :(

Please help! I apologize for posting a very similar post so often, but I need your help and different perspectives. I have had OCD for over 25 years now and for the past decade, I have been having the urge to engage in a long and destructive ritual to restart my life. I have lost so much in giving in. I never fear that something bad will happen, but the high that I get from restarting is like a super powerful drug. I last did this ritual on July 12 and each day, I want to throw in the towel and restart again. It is hell to fight the urge. I only found a couple of related resources that are below. How do I not give in and live more peacefully not giving in??? https://theocdstories.com/stories/february-fifteenth-my-obsession-with-obsession/ http://www.psychologyandbehavior.com/ocd-starting-over-compulsions-undoing/

Hi. I’ve been having intense ruminations about a topic in my relationship with my fiancé. We both have strong values tied to changing my last name once we’re married. He values that I change mine to his for the commitment and union it shows. I value that I keep mine for the tie to my lost heritage, my deceased father, and the equality it shows. I originally wanted us both to keep our original last names and hyphenate our future kids last names, or hyphenate all of our last’s names. But now we’re at the point where he’s keeping his last name the same, the future kids will have his only, and I’m taking both last names, but using only his socially. So, I still have my last name to some extent, but essentially very few or no people would know. This is still bothersome to him, and I feel like I’ve already sacrificed so much. I don’t know what to do about this. He mentioned that he doesn’t feel right getting married with me not taking his last name (and dropping mine). We’ve been together for 9 years. Very rarely fight, and when we do we never yell or call eachother names. The rest of our relationship is very satisfying (chores, money, affection, sex, respect). I’ve been crying every day for the past week. We’ve had so many talks over the last three years about this. Our recent talk really felt as though I wasn’t worth being married, and when I asked him what he wanted to do (I said I was scared he wanted to break up, and asked him what he wanted), he said he didn’t know what he wanted. Through tears later on he eventually said that “[he’ll] be fine”. This time it’s the hardest because I feel like he will either want to leave me, or resent me for my choice when we’re married. I don’t know what else I can do to work through this, and I have been thinking about this all day every day for a week. Is this OCD? Or is this something to actually be worried about? Couples therapy isn’t an option. He won’t go because of the chance of us finding a crappy therapist and making things worse, and he says he’s not willing to go everywhere to hunt around for one that fits.

Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?

Please help! I am a medical student and I failed exam because of OCD. whole day passes by without even touching the course books. I can't focus on studies because of intrusive thoughts. No therapist is available in India. All psychologists advise me to meditate but I can't meditate with all the trouble going on with my mind. Please help!

I was on Paxil since the beginning of 2017 for OCD. The fear that pushed me to seek medication was the fear that I developed that I would get my wife fired from her new job. This fear at the time was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Previously OCD portrayed fears that related to me directly and when it started to put my loved ones in the line of fire I had to do something. The medication worked well and fast for me, by mid 2017 I was fully functional again. The fears and intrusive thoughts didn't go away but the anxious feeling that drove me to complete compulsions was no longer there. The toll of the medication could soon be seen and felt me. I couldn't feel any downs which was great but I couldn't feel any ups. This numbness of feelings was a big driving force behind why I wanted to stop the paxil. Another issue was my rapid and excessive weight gain. Before the medication I weighed 85kg/187lb and by the end of 2019 I weighed 110kg/243lb. Throughout 2019 I reduced my paxil slowly as recommended by my psycharist. By December 2019 I was completely off the paxil. The withdrawals were terrible and took at least 3 months to stop. My weight dropped to 95kg/209lb within a month and a half. My body feels healthier for it. Unfortunately many of the symptoms of my OCD resurfaced with a vengeance in 2020. Not because of covid but due to the isolation that has really exacerbated the OCD. I have been following different self treatment approaches through out the lockdown. The improvements I have had have been small and the journey using self treatment has been like a roller-coaster. I am currently researching to see if this mental illness could have been triggered by mold toxicity as there was a point between 2013 and 2015 I was exposed to mold, rotting wood and still water in a bathroom in the house I was living. The aggressive OCD that I have almost seemed to manifest itself over night during 2013. Before this point OCD didn't consume my life it was more of a quirk and a slight nuisance. Sorry for the self indulgent post, I think it helps me to post openly about my experiences with this monster we all know.

What are common ERP exercises for Health OCD? I just feel exhausted and I know I need help... My compulsion is going to an urgent care. I also google my symptoms. Going to the urgent care all the time cost so much money. :( And of course google makes things so much worse because everything is deadly according to google. This past month I’ve convinced myself I had pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, Parkinson’s disease, ALS, and colon cancer. I’m exhausted and just want this to stop.

I wonder: if ocd is an incurable disease, why should I spend money in drugs or psychotherapy if none of them will cure me? I have also tinnitus, which is an incurable condition too, but I’m not spending something to see an ENT doctor every week or taking drugs just because there is no cure.

I hate porn but I still watch it and fap. I hate it so much because its a sin for me. I dont know what to do expet sleep or taking lot of pills to cope with the urges. I hate the after feeling, the sadness and guilt it take to me about my salvation. Please someone help

I would like to urge people with hocd to not use any offensive language... as a lesbian I see people using terms like ‘abnormal’ and ‘disgusting’ used to describe my sexuality. I know you’re scared of losing your sense of self and identity, but that does not give you the right to treat the lgbt community as if it’s something bad and sinful. Please, think of your language.

TW, POCD I feel like a .... pedophile. I don’t think I am. When I was really young (11/12) I was under very very very little parental guidance. My parents divorced, my mom worked all nights and I took care of my siblings. Unfortunately I was introduced to porn at that time, if there is one major regret of my life, clicking that first link is it. I got addicted, maybe because it was Taboo or interesting? Idk why. I watched in front of my younger siblings. They never had any clue what I was watching, I never involved them at all. It is worse, sometimes I would engage myself (in secrecy) with my baby brother in the room. Still they were absolutely clueless as I was in a different area or the bathroom, and completely covered while they watched the tv obliviously in a different area. The worst part for me is I knew it was wrong but didn’t understand WHY it was wrong. I used to think, “if my mom caught me watching I’d be in so much trouble.” But it never once occurred to me why is it wrong for a person to do this, why could this be harmful to your siblings even if they never knew or never find out, how will this hurt your heart for the rest of your life? Like honestly it is the worst to live with and a major part of my ocd obsessive cycle is to confess and I’m scared of confessing. I’ve already confessed to my mom, my partner, I’m scared I won’t feel satisfied until I confess to more people. But people won’t understand what mental state I was in, what cognitive state I was in being 11 and the family dynamics that left me largely in charge and unsupervised at those times. I’m sorry I just need to CONFESS I guess

I have been dealing with scrupulosity since I was around 12 it usually revolved around my family but has spread to my everyday life. I like to write, to draw and to think up stories to write down. For the past six or seven months I have been obsessed on and off worrying that God doesn't want me making up stories or even imagining things including my future. I keep having these thoughts that say "You don't love God more than this." Then I have a feeling that makes we worry that I don't. So the thoughts go back and forth "do you love this more than God?" I say "of course not." Then I get a feeling that makes me feel like God wants me to stop thinking and just try really hard not to actively think so I find myself praying reptively be to figure out if thats what God wants. When I ignore it, I feel like I am disobeying God. I feel like I will end up loving writing more than God if I don't listen. The ocd keep asking me if I would stop imagining stories and writing and drawing forever if God wanted me to and I tell it "yes," I have stopped for several months before this but I don't want to if I don't have to. This is a horrible obsession and when I fall into it and realize what it is, I feel like I cannot carry on drawing or whatever because I messed up too badly and God will be angry at me if I do. I keep worrying that I secretly don't care what God wants I regards to my hobby and I would just keep on doing it anyway, of I really cared I would stop as soon as the ocd made me feel like it was Him, but deep down I know that isn't true. Why is this so hard?

my harm ocd came back very strong today. I was watching a movie with explosions and the voice in my head said “do you think that is beautiful? Is it beautiful? It’s beautiful. You like explosions?” And it’s terrible cause my brain keeps telling me I like explosions but I don’t think I do but it’s saying it’s cause I like people dying?? I feel like I’m going crazy. And Sometimes I’m accidentally a little rough when picking up my little dog and he doesn’t squeak or anything but I keep thinking I’m hurting him and I’m nervous my nails must hurt him or that I’ll accidentally hurt someone with my nails even tho they aren’t that long so I’m going to cut them. Anyone else with this? Help

Im scared bc I’m worried I’m gonna hurt him so Is me worrying that showing I don’t actually like him. I’m just worried but I think it’s cuz he’s so nice he’s different then who I’ve been with my brain isn’t use to this

Major trigger warning for pocd! I gave into my compulsions and started googling again. I know, I know, I just f*cked myself over. But it was hard to say "maybe I am" this time. And I saw someone on reddit try and justify pedophilia by saying "it's just bad in society's eyes, we don't have a moral rule book" and I started freaking out, because my ocd said "well if you're a pedophile, it's like they said, theres no rule book." And all of it DISGUSTS me. How could someone try to justify that? How could someone try to justify the thoughts that have plagued me for months? I'm terrified that my ocd will try to justify it everytime I have an intrusive thought and I CANNOT handle the anxiety. I'm 16 and I feel like I won't be able to see Christmas let alone graduation. What are your experiences and how have you coped with this?

I am in hell. I am afraid I am going to hurt my cat because things aren't sanitized enough or because the things I use to sanitize will poison her. ☹

i’m unsure if i have ocd, is it an ocd thing if i want to perfect everything i do and see others do? for example when my mother makes her bed and she doesn’t align the pillows in a perfect line it annoys me, same with me i cant sleep before i align my pillows and blanket symmetrically.

I’m so happy that this last week or so I’ve been feeling the best I have been since my OCD onset. I feel borderline normal now finally. I wanna let you guys know it’s possible. I mainly struggle with suicidal OCD along with some other themes and before therapy it was screaming at me every waking moment and now I get some intrusive thoughts here and there but it’s easier to let it go by and it’s quiet now. It’s doable!!!

Hi all, I have an ERP question. I have POCD and I am terrified I would enjoy harming a child, particularly young girls. When I practice exposure I get several things: fear, dread, negative talk AND the big one, a very intense, very real groinal response. I often obsess that if get rid the fear/anxiety, I am left with the thoughts and the grional response. Which You can imagine I fear. Like, the only thing that separates me from a pedofile is my fear, why would I get rid of it? Regardless, I still experience some relieve after practicing exposure but I am left with a groinal response that stays lingering all day and eventually becomes a trigger. Anyone else experiences this? Any suggestions to work trough this in ERP?

Does anyone else get triggered by unexpected or unplanned occurrences? I always get triggered when my husband says he wants to order food when I was planning on cooking. Or like we have to do an unexpected curbside pickup tonight and I'm getting so anxious. I just feel like anything unexpected could happen and I wont know how to handle it. (I have contamination ocd by the way).