Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Am I gross? (zOCD) 20s, F So for a lot of years, like 8,since I was 16, I've had this dog and she likes belly rubs a lot. She is very sweet and tender girl. And sometimes when I laid down in the couch with my hand outside of the furniture, she would place her belly in my hand for scratches. I would play with her boobies a lot: twist them and pull them. I don't think I've ever done it with Sexual intentions. I know she liked the affection so I kept doing it. I'm fact, it was only fairly recently that I've learned that dogs have sexual pleasure? Im not sure of this last part because when I was younger I've read that only humans and dolphins felt pleasure. I never thought much about it. However I'm scared, my memories aren't too trustworthy! What if I already knew/thought that dogs could feel sexual pleasure?? I also remember having dirty thoughts every once in a while but I don't remember what kind and I'm assuming the worse. My dad used to make a lot of sexual jokes about my dog and they kinda stuck on me. I don't think I had evil intentions but I'm not sure.... A year ago, when my ocd exploded, I began to think that what I was doing could be wrong and I stopped immediately. I even stopped petting my dog because of the shame. Thank you for listening to me. Do I deserve to die?

I wish I could take my own advice. Posting online asking lesbians what I am, even if they tell me it sounds like I am attracted to my husband or they give rational advice, never helps. Ever. I torture myself and pour over every word. If they say maybe I’m bi, I write back protesting and saying why I’m not. This is exhausting and it makes me hate myself

Not OCD related but anyone else associate sleep with being "bad"? Like when it comes to going to sleep I'm super anxious and I can't shut my brain off so now I just push off sleep as much as possible. Any tips on making bedtime not so miserable?

Hey everyone, I’m new, snd I thought I would try this out! I’ve struggled with mental health for about 10 years, and still don’t have a diagnosis, but have been to any specialist imaginable. Maybe someone here can relate to any of the symptoms I possess. My mind constantly races, I find it impossible to complete any task at hand and am easily distracted. Sometimes the racing thoughts get so bad, I have to stop what I’m doing and simply fall victim into my mind. I’m in a trance all day feeling like my mind is recreating a dream/movie. Any commercial or song that I hear, will pop up in my head at any time of the day, and overpower what someone is saying (if we’re having a convo). I get so overwhelmed by the thought of something not turning out well, that I don’t attempt to do it at all. It’s hard to maintain relationships, am socially awkward as a result, and it’s become unbearable with the Pandemic. Definitely have more symptoms, but I don’t want to dump on anyone as I’m waiting to get professional help! If there’s anyone that can offer advice on how they cope, or can help, please let me know as I am suffering

Hey guys... On heaven and hell... Erp is about facing fears. So... What if I don't want to go to hell? For other obsessions it would be like, well, say it did happen? Would it really be that bad? But the thing is going to hell is actually that bad... So uh... How can I not be so worried? Like its irrational to believe that a loving God would send someone who is genuinely trying to follow him to eternal damnation... But stinking OCD is still a punk. Any tips? On how to just chillax? Sorry if this is either triggering or unclear. ??

I feel really shit sometimes because I'm 22 and I dont have an actual job, I'm working on a small business and I study from home so I can go to university next year but I feel like a shit person for not working :(

ZOCD mild confession I don't know what is worse. Pocd or zOCD to be honest. Yesterday, I think. I found a picture of a cat that had her lower abdomen shaved and she had a lot of fat accumulated in that region so it looked like boobs. This is quite normal,sort of. So... A year and half ago, my cat had to shave the same area and she also appeared to have boobs when she laid down. And I remember touching them because the skin was so soft and now I'm afraid I squeezed them with sexual intentions and I'm freaking out... I used to boop her boobies sometime and now I fear to have done it with bad intentions. What if I got sexual gratification from this?

I see forever with my boyfriend but what if I’m just a late bloomer lesbian and have to leave my husband when I’m 40 because I realized I’m gay???

Does anyone else who struggles with POCD find that they get intrusive thoughts about their partner? Like I keep having thoughts that I’m only attracted to him because he is smaller, has small legs and tiny lips so that he’s the closest thing I can have to a younger person/minor. Like we’ve been together for years and years and he’s also dated other people and I don’t think this has ever come up with anyone but me so why am I constantly thinking about it? I haven’t been able to be intimate with him for weeks now :( it’s really putting a strain on our relationship.

Need guidance and help please, I am spiralling. Contamination ocd and covid fear warning: I finally had a visit with my ENT specialist for the first time today after months of gland pain. It was at the hospital which i normally feel okayish with but this was like...on a side with doctors offices, not the main hospital and I feel like they arent as stringent. There were door handles literally everywhere (no automatic doors at all which is customary in the main part of the hospital) and they wouldn't let me wear gloves. Some doors didnt even have hand sanitizer near them so it was impossible to sanitize before or after touching it. I checked in at reception and they let me wait outside because the waiting room was actually over capacity. In the specialist office, I did of course have to remove my mask at times and he had to use tools to look in my nose and mouth which of course is triggering. But the worst one of all was that he stuck a camera through my nose and down into my throat. I clarified with him that it was of course sanitized and he said yes and that he couldnt sanitize it again in front of me (I'm guessing it's a machine). But I saw it touch his pant leg and he had to feed it into my nose with his hands which he had to use to open door handles to go get the contraption in another room!!! I was honestly so petrified that I cant remember much. I cant remember if he changed his gloves between the door handles and feeding the tube into my nose. All I can think is that if there was covid on that thing, it literally delivered the virus RIGHT to where it would make a nice comfy home in the back of my nose (that's where covid lives and replicates). Please, I know I am not supposed to seek reassurance here. I know I now need to trust the medical professionals that it was clean and the procedure was done in a sanitary way. But I cannot stop picture that camera at the back of my nose, covered in covid spikes that latched onto my nasal passage and are replicating. Please please help me. I really try to manage my ocd by saying to myself "cdc guidelines and nothing more" but (and I know this sounds stupid) the cdc says nothing about medical tools or medical mistakes. I'm trying you guys I am, but I'm spiralling.

I hate that my options to receive help are extremely limited. I have no health insurance, there are barely any therapists in the area I live in, much less an expert trained in anxiety and OCD. The last few I tried were not to my liking. Even if i could go, my parents get really judgemental about therapy, seeing it as a waste of time. I really wish I could go just to get some basic help and meds. I used to go to therapy when I was in college and that was such a privilege I dont think I'll ever get again. (10 bucks a month for Prozac) I hate that covid brought back my OCD. 2019 really was my last best year. :(

Please help! I apologize for posting a very similar post so often, but I need your help and different perspectives. I have had OCD for over 25 years now and for the past decade, I have been having the urge to engage in a long and destructive ritual to restart my life. I have lost so much in giving in. I never fear that something bad will happen, but the high that I get from restarting is like a super powerful drug. I last did this ritual on July 12 and each day, I want to throw in the towel and restart again. It is hell to fight the urge. I only found a couple of related resources that are below. How do I not give in and live more peacefully not giving in??? https://theocdstories.com/stories/february-fifteenth-my-obsession-with-obsession/ http://www.psychologyandbehavior.com/ocd-starting-over-compulsions-undoing/

Hi. I’ve been having intense ruminations about a topic in my relationship with my fiancé. We both have strong values tied to changing my last name once we’re married. He values that I change mine to his for the commitment and union it shows. I value that I keep mine for the tie to my lost heritage, my deceased father, and the equality it shows. I originally wanted us both to keep our original last names and hyphenate our future kids last names, or hyphenate all of our last’s names. But now we’re at the point where he’s keeping his last name the same, the future kids will have his only, and I’m taking both last names, but using only his socially. So, I still have my last name to some extent, but essentially very few or no people would know. This is still bothersome to him, and I feel like I’ve already sacrificed so much. I don’t know what to do about this. He mentioned that he doesn’t feel right getting married with me not taking his last name (and dropping mine). We’ve been together for 9 years. Very rarely fight, and when we do we never yell or call eachother names. The rest of our relationship is very satisfying (chores, money, affection, sex, respect). I’ve been crying every day for the past week. We’ve had so many talks over the last three years about this. Our recent talk really felt as though I wasn’t worth being married, and when I asked him what he wanted to do (I said I was scared he wanted to break up, and asked him what he wanted), he said he didn’t know what he wanted. Through tears later on he eventually said that “[he’ll] be fine”. This time it’s the hardest because I feel like he will either want to leave me, or resent me for my choice when we’re married. I don’t know what else I can do to work through this, and I have been thinking about this all day every day for a week. Is this OCD? Or is this something to actually be worried about? Couples therapy isn’t an option. He won’t go because of the chance of us finding a crappy therapist and making things worse, and he says he’s not willing to go everywhere to hunt around for one that fits.

Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?

Please help! I am a medical student and I failed exam because of OCD. whole day passes by without even touching the course books. I can't focus on studies because of intrusive thoughts. No therapist is available in India. All psychologists advise me to meditate but I can't meditate with all the trouble going on with my mind. Please help!

I was on Paxil since the beginning of 2017 for OCD. The fear that pushed me to seek medication was the fear that I developed that I would get my wife fired from her new job. This fear at the time was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Previously OCD portrayed fears that related to me directly and when it started to put my loved ones in the line of fire I had to do something. The medication worked well and fast for me, by mid 2017 I was fully functional again. The fears and intrusive thoughts didn't go away but the anxious feeling that drove me to complete compulsions was no longer there. The toll of the medication could soon be seen and felt me. I couldn't feel any downs which was great but I couldn't feel any ups. This numbness of feelings was a big driving force behind why I wanted to stop the paxil. Another issue was my rapid and excessive weight gain. Before the medication I weighed 85kg/187lb and by the end of 2019 I weighed 110kg/243lb. Throughout 2019 I reduced my paxil slowly as recommended by my psycharist. By December 2019 I was completely off the paxil. The withdrawals were terrible and took at least 3 months to stop. My weight dropped to 95kg/209lb within a month and a half. My body feels healthier for it. Unfortunately many of the symptoms of my OCD resurfaced with a vengeance in 2020. Not because of covid but due to the isolation that has really exacerbated the OCD. I have been following different self treatment approaches through out the lockdown. The improvements I have had have been small and the journey using self treatment has been like a roller-coaster. I am currently researching to see if this mental illness could have been triggered by mold toxicity as there was a point between 2013 and 2015 I was exposed to mold, rotting wood and still water in a bathroom in the house I was living. The aggressive OCD that I have almost seemed to manifest itself over night during 2013. Before this point OCD didn't consume my life it was more of a quirk and a slight nuisance. Sorry for the self indulgent post, I think it helps me to post openly about my experiences with this monster we all know.

What are common ERP exercises for Health OCD? I just feel exhausted and I know I need help... My compulsion is going to an urgent care. I also google my symptoms. Going to the urgent care all the time cost so much money. :( And of course google makes things so much worse because everything is deadly according to google. This past month I’ve convinced myself I had pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, Parkinson’s disease, ALS, and colon cancer. I’m exhausted and just want this to stop.

I wonder: if ocd is an incurable disease, why should I spend money in drugs or psychotherapy if none of them will cure me? I have also tinnitus, which is an incurable condition too, but I’m not spending something to see an ENT doctor every week or taking drugs just because there is no cure.

I hate porn but I still watch it and fap. I hate it so much because its a sin for me. I dont know what to do expet sleep or taking lot of pills to cope with the urges. I hate the after feeling, the sadness and guilt it take to me about my salvation. Please someone help

I would like to urge people with hocd to not use any offensive language... as a lesbian I see people using terms like ‘abnormal’ and ‘disgusting’ used to describe my sexuality. I know you’re scared of losing your sense of self and identity, but that does not give you the right to treat the lgbt community as if it’s something bad and sinful. Please, think of your language.