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the NOCD Community

I apologize for spamming but I feel so sick of all of this. I get aroused by the thought of having sex with a man now and I hate it, it's not just groinals. It feels like I was only against men because of feminism, which I always thought wasn't true because even if the guy was perfect I wouldn't want to be with him at all. I have talked to bisexual women who find sex with men absolutely revolting just like me. I had urges to kiss a man. I had urges to self harm via sex with men. My attraction to women is slowly disappearing once again. I feel like I want a man more than a woman and would be more fulfilled with one and while I feel like that's not true I feel like there's no denial anymore. I love women to death but I am undeniably attracted to men despite being repulsed by their physique. I have had male idols that I loved. My intuition has been wrong and let's face the facts, OCD is right and im bisexual even if I do not believe it. All evidence points to it. And there's nothing wrong with being bisexual except from my intuition calling me gay. But I know that that's not true. Even though I feel like I'm deep down gay. It is simply not true. I feel like telling myself I'm bisexual feels like lying, because not a single drop of attraction I feel towars men is genuine, ot so I think. But oh well, that's life. I honestly want to die so badly. I probably have a shit load of internalized biphobia.

How can I sit with the thought/possibility of being gay when I know or at least hope I'm not? When it's happening all day every day?! I tried to do self erp and I read stories about people coming out at my age (27) or when they were married with kids in their 30s and 40s. I really can't take this anymore.

I’m wondering what sort of upbringings you all had and if you think that effected your chances of developing OCD? I was brought up as an only child by my mother. She loved me but she had could have a bad temper and had issues being tolerant with me. I’d say you could call it emotional disregulation disorder. It means she would end up screaming and screeching at me for small things like forgetting to wash up as a 13 year old child - screaming at me and calling me a words like a bitch and a cow... I guess this would happen atleast once a week. And more minor stuff happening more often. As an adult I realise her behaviour was not acceptable at all. It was emotional abuse. I’ve come to the realisation that this constant over critical reaction to me could have caused me to become more of an anxious, self critical, over thinking adult. It makes sense that if your constantly being screamed at that you might end of ruminating over whether your a ‘bad person’. Which is basically the root of OCD... I know my mum has her own problems, and truly she loves me... but I can’t help thinking - fuck you have no idea what I’m dealing with now...

If this seeking for reassurance please tell me Does everyone else get bombarded by intrusive thoughts when trying to go to bed? I thought it was a normal thing but now I'm considered because even if i try to think positively they turn scary. And this is on a daily base. I hate trying to close my eyes And all this is happening when I'm changing boarding schools. Anyone wanna talk?

I really feel like a heartless monster. I just feel blank and empty inside, what if I can't feel love? What if I can't love? I say I love you to my mom and others but I just feel empty when I say it... psychopaths can't feel love, is this a sign I am one? I don't know how to keep living these rest my life if I can't feel anything especially love.

This is the seed that planted my huge trigger. My partner told me in July that he’s been feeling depressed for 6 years bc since my first battle with ROCD he got concerned that... maybe I’ve been forcing myself to love him that I was in denial about loving him... he told me his feelings changed on and off for me. He still loves me. But he asked me what happens if things did end.. would I wanna be just friends? I told him no... bc it would be too difficult for me bc I always want more with him. During this talk I’m having a huge panic attack and I am hyperventilating with my body trembling... I understand he need to speak his mind which I am glad he did. But it happened again last month and that destroyed me again. My close friend told me my partner needs to know who he is and that he needs to make himself happy too. I know he needs to improve his life and I need to improve mine. But bc of this talk this is what happened to me. TRIGGER WARNING: Please don’t read this if you panic badly. My thoughts. He doesn’t love you, he lied and hid this from you, he likes to hang out with other people more than you, you never loved him and you know it!, you don’t wanna move out with him again, you’re forcing yourself to love him, you’re lying to him and everyone around you, you had doubts before this yet you stay with him, you using him, your in denial,you can do way better than him, you know it’s you why are you fighting it... There’s way too many to put on here. But then I obsessed over past thoughts when he had his mental breakdowns or when we got mad at each other in the past. Which made me remember everything! All the doubts I had about him making me feel like I know I don’t love him.. but I was able to ignore them... my close friend asked me: are you happy with him? I said yes but even then I felt like a lier... I love being with him I love falling asleep next to him.. so why do I have to go through this again... but right now I am in the numb stage and I still obsess say I am in love with him over and over again.. He feels guilty bc he feels like he’s causing me to suffer... 😞 that hurt hearing him say that. I almost told him i wasn’t in love with him this morning but I stopped myself bc I knew it wasn’t me.. I am so scared of myself and I’m scared to be around him 😖😭 I’ve had ROCD before but never had it treated.. so I know I had obsessive thoughts throughout the relationship... 😞 if it is me.. my relationship is gonna end.. I’m hoping the medication helps me...

How many of you are in a relationship and have OCD/intrusive thoughts? How is it for you? Is it difficult, do you feel secure in the relationship?

I hate how I look. I hate it so much. People comment on my acne all the time and it hurts me so much. My sister has it too and I don’t want her to be treated this way... but I’m too embarrassed to bring it up to my therapist cause I feel ashamed about it.

I'm not boy crazy and I don't catch feelings easily. I also sense when a guy has feelings for me and then I would avoid them. This sweet guy just confessed to me (i suspected that he had feelings for me) and I got triggered. I didn't reject him, but I told him we should get to know each other more. OCD twisted this though :/ "What if he likes me and I'll never be able to like him?" "what if i'll never be able to develop feelings?" "what if i'm not being my true self?" IM SO CONFUSED AND I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON FOR CONSTANTLY REJECTING THE GUYS THAT LIKE ME. The guys that I do like me don't like me back and they are cold towards me. I'm so scared that this is a sign and i'm denying the truth or something. I hate feeling all shaky and empty. It's like i have no feelings anymore. Please reply someone. I'm so lost.

Hi! I'm new to this app. I've been having strange things and experiences for seven years, and I am 14 years old. It was 4 months ago that I researched about it and found out was OCD. I am not sure of it yey because I haven't consulted a psychatrist yet due to quarantine. That's why I'm still bearing the same attacks all over and over. It worsens as days pass. It affects me in my studies. I would like to share what I experience. I really hope someone would help me. When I was in gradeschool, I used to: - do repetitive acts (such as blinking, touching other people) because if I don't, something bad might happen - utter repetitive phrases to make me feel better - non-stop intrusive thoughts These lessened when I stepped in 7th grade for I became busy. But it came back when I was grade 8 and made it worse during this quarantine. In the present time, I: - experience intense sexual thoughts, thoughts of harming someone, dark images that are never my intention - death and history lessons in school trigger me - I always pray and stick to my religious beliefs for I feel guilty of my unwanted thoughts - I repeat words to make me feel better - I scream frequently for a second, turn my body, or pray, as an act of stopping an intrusive thought, but I find it hard and I always end up breaking down emotionally Would someone help me? I can't afford a psychologist. Thank you so much for reading. We are stronger than what we think!

At this point I’m so tired of feeling this way, I love my boyfriend so much that it hurts to even think the stuff I think, I sometimes think I’m not attractive to him or I don’t love him but I know I do and we are about to move in together and I just want this all to stop, can smoking along make it worse??

I give up on ever getting help. Deleting the app and all other shit like this. It's just cruel to see others get help while I'm left broke and alone. So I'm done with living. If you're actually getting help, acknowledge how fortunate you are that you can afford it without starving yourself.

today has been such a hard day with this intrusive thought i can’t get out my head. i was able to kinda accept it and move on yesterday but it’s been hard today. i’m guessing bc i barely slept and had anxiety for the majority or the day. i hate it so much. it’s literally my birthday and all i can think of is the intrusive thought that is making me afraid to be around my family. like i fear that others around me will lose control and harm me or do something. same with friends. i really don’t wanna be around them in fear. sometimes i wonder if this is even ocd. or maybe i’m just crazy. i’ve never met anyone that gets these types of thoughts because intrusive ones are mainly about you and i’m getting them about like other people. like what if they do this or are this. instead of saying what if i do this or i am this. i hate this. is this ocd ?

I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I’m getting thoughts about everything and it’s freaking me out. I know it probably just imaginary but I have a fear that these thoughts are changing the way I view the world and think and eventually I won’t be able to resist anymore. There’s nothing I can do the stop the thoughts, it doesn’t feel like ocd at all because it’s just to complicated and real. I’m scared of how these thoughts are going to cause me to think but my mind keeps telling me that all I used to think before was only to follow the majority and it seems true and now my brain is going to places I really wish it wouldn’t and that it would stop. It feels more like resistance than intrusive thoughts, I feel like eventually I’m going to lose my sense and go insane and it actually feels like it’s already happened but I haven’t act on it yet. I feel like I’m going to be psychotic outcast by the time this is over. I never used to think like this and I’m very scared I’m going insane. I feel confused and I feel terribly about myself that I’m even worrying about these things or even going through this. I feel like I’ll be this way forever and I’m going to keep getting crazier. This wasn’t the person I wanted to be but I feel like I don’t have a choice aside from just holding it in until I can’t take it anymore and just allow myself to think these thoughts. I’m so tired of this, my brain always finds more to bring up to me to further confuse me and make me feel crazy and broken in the head. I feel like I’m lost in a fictional story but it feels like a real disaster is happening to me mentally and it making me feel crazy.

Everyone says to me when I say, I have ocd i hate my life, that many people live with it, but everyone that I meet with OCD is miserable and barely surviving, so aren't we all just doomed with a chronic condition ? I mean even "recovered" people say they still struggle with it so honestly, whats the point? Im being a realist. Opinions are welcomed. Maybe I am missing the bigger picture

So I am a married woman to my wonderful husband m. I deal w it h HOCD and ROCD & a bucket list of other things. I will randomly start to worry and wonder “oh god what if I’m gay?” “Am I gay?” And so on and so forth. I have been doing therapy and I don’t have many images any more. But I still get these stupid intrusive thoughts. I feel like such a shi$&y wife because I can sit here and tell you 100% I’m not gay at any point. But it’s like a fear or doubt that I could be in denial. I was raised with a strict upbringing and my sister is gay. The 1st time I had these thoughts was 3 years ago right after we got engaged and I could have ripped my heart out I felt so horrible. I feel that if you were in denial then you would know. Mine is I’ll be looking out a window and it’s like a bomb explodes in my brain. Anyone else deal with this? Also my OCD has started to pick on me about having a baby. My husband and I have been married 2 years and together for 5. “How do you know that you’re ready? What if you can’t have kids? What if you do have kids and it dies? What if it pulls you and him apart?” I mean OCD you’re a real SOB.

This is bad..... now I can’t remember if I was ever happy with my partner... 😞😞 I’ve been so depressed and obsessed for so long I can’t remember anything about being happy... 😞😞 I feel like I never was.... I know when I came home from work I was happy to him bc he made me feel comfortable and relax just by sitting in the room... now I’m not happy anymore... how can I be so sure this isn’t me... a friend with ROCD told me this: If you really wanted to break up, you wouldn’t be so scared and anxious. If a relationship ends people don’t react the way we act when having a OCD spike, Remember that. But this feels too real...

I need help knowing if I should go to the hospital. I’ve been having crippling anxiety every day that makes me depersonalized, and it feels like it’s mimicking a weed high and it makes me extremely anxious. I’m fearing I’m losing my grip on reality because last night I felt really good, but it reminded me of my trauma with drugs and I had an intrusive thoughts that my boyfriend drugged my water. Usually I can laugh it off but last night I had an hour long panic attack that made it worse and made me disassociate to the nth degree. I don’t have meds, I don’t have therapy and I need help. I feel like my life is over.

Having a hard time tonight, I have developed a compulsion that everytime my partner goes to the shed outside I have to make her wash her hands and if she doesn't I have to clean everything that she has touched. It started as she once touched the bins and then touched the shed door etc and I'm so paranoid now that she doesn't wash her hand after touching the bins and then going into the shed. Tonight she'd went to the shed, I was upstairs and I heard and I didn't hear the sink when she finished. I know she didn't wash her hands when she came insode as I purposely listened for it. She then lied to me. This brings me back to when my parents lied to me about things like this. I'm so convinced that there might be corona virus on the shed lock that I had to clean everything in the house. How do I deal with this?? She lies to me now about things like this. I explained she is better to just tell me if she didn't. Also I know the risk of getting corona virus from her touching the bin and then anything else, especially outside the house is miniscule but I can't get it out of my head.

i keep finding new pieces of proof that maybe i’m not straight and i hate it. i hate all of this.