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the NOCD Community

I’m scared I’m evil but just really good at hiding it from people. I have bad thoughts and a lot of anger towards people as well as jealousy. But I try to let this slide. I’m so scared.

does anyone else have severe FOMO as a side effect of their OCD? like for example, i cannot go into a book store or a book section in a store without taking a thousand pictures of all the books. and if i don’t, i get that feeling that i’m going to miss something which makes me feel terrible. it’s just an endless cycle and i probably shouldn’t feed into it by taking all these pictures and obsessing. it sounds so silly when i talk about it but it really is a problem i feel like only gets worse. i have the tiktok app downloaded and that has also fed into the severe FOMO. i see so many videos of people traveling and going new places and i feel like if i don’t write down every place i see i’m going to miss out so horribly. i have the urge to just know as much information as possible at all times.

Probably has nothing to do with OCD for anyone else but for me personally it does in a way, but porn addiction is a serious thing that I've been trying to break from permanently as I'm older. Like all addictions all should be taken like drugs, alcohol and gambling. I feel pornography addictions on the other hand, aren't talked about enough since society still treats conversations of "sex" as taboo or whatever. Seriously, an addiction to porn can be scary. I really do feel like porn addiction has played a role in my OCD, since watching so much of it can skew your perspectives of what you used to view as a human being. Once your dopamine is constantly rewarded through the use of pornography, that does not make it better. It will crave more and more, meaning you will search harder and harder for the "best" video/image you want. Sex brain is also a completely real thing, and this is what happens when your brain is literally a drug that's addicted to nothing but sexual activity, with porn usually being the main indicator. At this point, you look for the most hardcore of pornography, which rarely gets to dark disastrous zones such as legitimate abuse, rape, or anything incredibly screwed up. Your mind trancsends from being flattered by the basics of pornography, only to keep looking for the darkest, shocking forms of videos that can be found. It's like locking someone in a dark room with nothing but themselves, separated from reality. It's bad enough when you already lose who you are when you're in your horny state, but that combined with an addiction is not the life I wish on ANYONE. The bottom line is, all addictions should be taken seriously and they should be brought into awareness of the mental disorders they can cause. Always maintain usages of things.

Is it possible to experience depressive episodes during bad OCD periods? Recently I’ve had no appetite or libido, I’m crying all the time and I rarely have any motivation.

My mom was the one who made me call my doctor to get set up for therapy and now that I finally found a therapist she’s telling me that she wants me to only go as little often as I can and cares more about me getting a job instead, pretty much insisting that that’ll fix all of my problems (but really she only wants that because $$$). Her and my dad play these mind games with me all the time and they’re the reason I’m like this in the first place. When I finally started opening up to them about all the things I’ve been struggling with they pretty much said it was my fault for not speaking out earlier when I knew that if I did they just wouldn’t understand. When they pull stuff like this is why I never said anything earlier. But no, it’s always my own fault. Maybe I should finally just off myself so they don’t have to worry about all the money I’m costing them anymore. It’ll put all of us out of our misery for good. Really don’t understand why they even had kids if all they do is complain about the responsibility of it. I didn’t ask to be born, and if I knew existing was gonna be this confusing and scary then I would have demanded not to if I could.

Does anyone with ROCD or HOCD notice an increase in intrusive thoughts during certain situations, but not others? I spend all night during work last night ruminating about my 8 year relationship with the love of my life and if I'm secretly gay and will have to leave her. Then I got off work and had a few drinks with my coworkers, during which I was able to be myself and felt mostly free of symptoms/ruminations. It was so nice. Now that I'm back home the intrusive thoughts are turned all the way up again. Is it normal for intrusive thoughts to increase when around my partner and subside when with others?

Does anyone else worry about the container of alcohol wipes being contaminated itself? How do y'all deal with contamination fears in the COVID era? Ive never had these fears before a month ago and they're centered around groceries being contaminated. Even though I have read everywhere that it's an unlikely mode of transmission, I'm gripped by fear when I touch groceries at home. I find wiping them down triggering because I do it over and over again until it feels right. Anyone have any guidance?

What kind of intrusive thoughts do you guys get with pocd? I feel like mine arent even intrusive and they are just me telling my self stuff. I cant tell the difference anymore :( i want to be normal again :,(.

TW I was doing well the past few days accepting everything...I started watching the haunting of bly manor and it sent me down another spiral and unfortunately I started ruminating and compulsively googling to relieve the anxiety...tw to anyone with hocd or soocd for what I’m about to say. Basically in the show the girl was going to get married to her childhood boyfriend but she was very unhappy and later revealed to him that she was a lesbian and after that he freaked out and got hit by a car and died. And obviously this was very triggering with me having hocd, making me worry what if I will not truly be happy with a man...what if that is not truly what I want...what if I string someone along like that and break their heart etc. now memories and other things are being brought up by my ocd...just when I thought I was getting better at managing it.

I feel like hocd is never going to leave me 😞

HOCD and NoFap. Determining this shit once and for all. Hello everyone. This is my first time doing NoFap and I’m nervous, anxious, and scared about my possible HOCD. I’ve had numerous girl crushes over the years and never once considered myself gay or bisexual in the slightest. But approximately 5 months ago, my friends called me “sus” for knowing a gay scene from the movie moonlight, and I have been nonstop questioning my sexuality and my identity obsessively. As the months went by, memories which I had long since forgotten had begun to suddenly re-emerge. I remember getting erections to everything since I was a child, but the two most terrifying instances of memory were when I had erections to the Incredible Hulk game when I was 8-9. Everytime the hulk took heavy damage, he would start heavily breathing, and I got an erection to that. I then found masturbating at the age of 11, to a woman masturbating, and continuously did so during 2 years, leading to masturbating to gay porn three or four times when I was the age of 13-14. It was there when I got an erection to the gay scenes from the take me to church music video. When I first had a crush on a girl at the age of 13-14, I began to get erections to only women, masturbated exclusively to women for the next 6 years (I’m 19 now) and most importantly, never watched gay porn ever again. In fact I was so terrified at the notion of being gay, that I tried my best to get out of situations with men in large groups (such as the locker room and the public restroom). I never questioned my sexuality however, because I only fell in love with many women during elementary, middle, and high school, and had even dated a woman in my junior year. Flash foward to five months ago. Me and my friends were looking at Netflix and stumbled across the movie moonlight, and I knew the movie because it was an academy award winning movie, and the fact it was made by A24, a company that I love very much. Anyways, we stumbled across the scene in question, and I pointed out the movie to my friends and they in turn called me “sus” for knowing what the movie was and what the scene was too. I became terrified and reassured my friends that I wasn’t gay, but the thought became engrained in my mind and I have been obsessively going on every OCD forum I can to make sure what I have is HOCD. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I would never be involved with a man romantically or sexually, but all the memories and false attractions, groinal responses, and intrusive thoughts make me question everything and anything related to this mess.

i feel myself becoming depressed. i can’t do this anymore. i was so happy a few days ago. the happiest. until i was sitting in my car laughing having fun and the word “pedophile” just popped into my head. i walked into the store and saw a toddler walking around. i said awh he’s adorable in my head. i’m then another one popped into my head saying “what if i thought of him the wrong way” at first i was like i know i didn’t and i moved on. but then it just kept coming back. then soon i thought something was really wrong with me. maybe there was something deeper to it. and soon that escalated into now being afraid of being a pedo & for thinking kids are more than adorable :( i haven’t eaten in days. i just sit in my room and cry and feel so depressed and empty. i don’t understand how a few days ago i was so happy but now i feel there’s only one way out for me which is death. obviously i’m not a pedo but i fear to be around a kid and be attracted to him now. i feel so broken. words cannot describe how awful i feel. i feel like things will never get better. i have never felt this way abt an intrusive thought. this one is really sticking to me and i can’t stop thinking about it. as well as doing mental compulsions and fully trying to examine the thought and give myself reassurance but all my fear is just doubt. my mind isn’t satisfied. it always says what if. i’ve tried everything. nothing works. i’m not meant to be here anymore. i cannot live with myself if i am this sick gross disgusting person.

I think I’m going to turn off the forum page for this app because ever since I started using it my condition worsened. I think reading everyone’s symptoms has become a compulsion for me. And I’ve noticed I have a harder time calming down the more I use it. It’s just bad. Anyways thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. Currently dealing with a new theme: fear of psychosis and fear of believing thoughts that people are drugging me. I realize it’s not good to be on this app to rant, even talking about the thoughts makes it worse I feel. Anyways thanks again.

What causes someone to get ocd? Does everyone have it to some extent? It's crazy how I'm in my late 20s and this year is when I developed intrusive thoughts. It's also crazy how so many therapists don't know about hocd rocd etc and treat it as real issues. Also how nobody I know experiences this. I've talked to so many friends family and peers and they all say they've never had those types of thoughts and feelings or they did but it was a one time thing that quickly passed. I feel so alone and confused and feel like I'll always be obsessing and over thinking everything in life and never able to just have joy and peace

Why do i notice guys now ?. Im so depressed. Is it because my mind is constantly on the whole gay subject?

long rant.... does anyone else here feel triggered just by dating alone? when i go on dating apps my stomach is in full anxiety mode it can be fun definitely especially if youre lonely enough and all of a sudden im scrolling through photos and reading bios and laughing but there is this holy shit moment when someone matches with ... me now what?! and my mind plays out all the reasons i shouldnt talk to them or date them and i imagine them finding out i have ocd and i imagine all the baggage i come with and i also think about how because of that baggage i have like no experience ive only kissed two guys and been on three dates ... i know all of that is a turn off and eventually the guy will know im not what he wanted (im a woman by the way) and i just wish i could lose my virginity without anyone knowing i just wish i could be one of those chill girls that i know guys want they dont want to deal with a bunch of baggage and so i automatically feel bad for anyone who has to date me and im annoyed that i view it that way like well they chose to ask me out no one forced them to date me ... but my mind tells me youre tricking them youre just using them they dont know you are this and this and that and thats not fair to them they deserve a normal girl who can have sex on the 3rd date or hook up quickly and is free and confident with their body and i try to fight back those thoughts with i dont know what will happen stop self sabatoging but i just have such fear of being made fun of being rejected like i have this idea of what i should be at my age and the fact im not makes me feel such shame and i have to laugh at the idea that im 28 living with my parents again and work catering events like 4 times a month and ive never had a relationship or sex and i actually have the nerve to try to date these guys? like who am i to attempt this? i just feel like i dont deserve normal things and i also dont know how to go after things i want ... im also afriad that ill go on these dates and be a bad kisser or bad at sex and my hocd will go there proof your gay or asexual or whatever the fuck and im sure while im on the date my mind will be screaming intrusive thoughts at me that ill be having three jobs at once: 1) listen to them and figure out if you like them 2) talk about yourself a little 3) let your ocd yell at you but hide it from everyone actually 4 jobs 4) try to eat or drink without choking or spilling or making a fool of myself ... i just because of how long ive been alone the pressure just gets worse the older and older i get and i hate it its weird i dont consider myself someone who isnt flirty or is afraid of socializing if anything if someone hit on me in public i would definitely be a nervous wreck but i would be like okay this is happening organically my job is to just go with the flow but with apps this whole self advertising thing it almost all feels like this fake game of impressing people and does turn dating into job interviews where as if you meet someone in real life and they ask you out there is no question that they want to see you again the spark has been established these apps are like i enjoy your face in photos and the texting banter isnt bad lets meet up and see of this is a complete dumpster fire ... so then the whole date feels like this pressure to live up to your photo and live up to expectations of whatever they think you might be ... if someone likes you in real life from having hung out with you via mutual friends there is this flow where its like oh we are drawn to each other there is something here lets explore this but it doesnt feel like this desperate attempt at appealing to whoevers eye you are trying to catch and so yeah these apps give me anxiety but i do like some of these guys enough to want to talk im just scared ... ive been down this route before and usually when they eventually ask for us to meet up i find excuses or i ghost because i stress all the ways the date could be horrible and life ruining... anyway fun times

I would do anything to be normal

I was given up on. This had to happen to me eventually. I knew that this would happen. A redditor decided to DM me to try and help me with my HOCD. I was giving her all the facts she needed to know, and she was telling me to listen to her. So I calmed down and I told her I would listen, and she asked if I had anxiety. I started to tell her that I had anxiety and that I would rather have anxiety than be gay or bisexual, but she didn’t respond. So I was constantly asking if she was there and saying hello? (Bad move on my part and I apologize for that) and she told me she didn’t want to help me anymore because I seemed “impatient and annoying”. WTF? I was anxious and scared and I shouldn’t have annoyed you. I apologize for that. But I was willing to listen to what you had to say and was being respectful to you. I always listen to people and use their advice. That’s what I do with everyone I DM from the forum and thanks to them I’m feeling much better than I was 5 months ago. If the person who gave up on me is reading this, you’ve made me feel a lot worse than you could ever imagine. I’m sorry for annoying you however, and it was not my intention to do so.

having so many intrusive thoughts right now, they always attack when i don’t give them reactions and they get so graphic and disgusting, i wanna cry and break down and do compulsions but i also want to heal and just not even give them reactions. this is so hard. i hate this so much, i know who i am, but my ocd questions my morals every second and makes me feel like the most evil person in the world, i hate this.

Update: I’m improving hella. I’m still getting intrusive thoughts about doing sexual things and seeing images, as well as false attractions but the anxiety’s nearly gone. But that scares me. Does that mean I was gay this entire time? Does that mean I was bi this entire time? It brings up so many questions and logical fallacies that my head hurts and gives me a headache.