Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Being married with SOOCD is depressing enough to make me want to stay in bed all day. I’m a terrible wife and will probably never be fulfilled

So.. This got worse and worse.. I am awake for 34 hours, I feel so tired but dont want to sleep.. The thoughts are stronger than ever and now the focus is my niece and that is unacceptable.. I cant even think about her without something sexual atached to it.. I wont pretend these thoughts don't mean anything because they do.. That from day to night I became a monster.. Worse than that even... She is whats most important to me and I need to protect her. One week ago was really bad, but were minor things.. Now its the only thing that cant happen that comes to mind.. How did this happen? I just don't know anymore if I have POCD or just a pedo/monster.

I'm bisexual but I allways mastur... With girls and no with boys, but I always picture myself with a boy and I'm really happy doing that, all of that means that I don't like men? I'm scared as hell that i don't like men.

This might be a little confusing but any insight or anyone who can understand would help.. I'm a straight female dealing with what I hope is hocd and a lot of straight females I know say that they could never image themselves spending their life/kissing/having sex/being attracted to a woman etc. That it makes them uncomfortable, grossed out, doesn't feel right etc. My mind always tries to make me see it from a man's point of view or a gay woman's point of view and it's almost as if I can understand and feel what they feel about being with a woman and that gives me a lot of anxiety because if I really was straight wouldn't I not be able to understand or relate to that?? And when I think about those things I don't get uncomfortable or grossed out like my straight female peers. Also, I get uncomfortable or don't feel "right" when I imagine myself with certain guys idk if that's "normal" or not...ugh my head is just so overwhelmed Any replies would be appreciated

Struggling with an obsession currently. I’ve been doing so well! Feeling really guilty and defeated today. It is probably because I started my period. That’s probably why everything seems so intense. I was bathing my daughter the other night and I was washing her butt. I usually don’t even do it but because I was feeling better and comfortable between my meds and therapy, I figured I could muster up the courage to do it. I squally just avoid it all together or do it super quickly. I did it, and midway through I had the intrusive thought of “this is how it would be if I was molesting her.” I kind of just acknowledged the thought and let it pass. But then it moved to “I wonder if she even knows that I’m touching her butt right now, does she think it’s weird? If I WAS molesting her, would she be aware of it?” I always wondered if it made her as uncomfortable as it makes me, or if it’s all the same to her. So I continued to wash her there and checked her for a reaction. I immediately felt weird and panicked.just sharing my experience. Wondering if anyone can relate or if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Having such a hard time right now. My OCD is spiking this year. Well since the spring really. When Covid started I was handling everything well it seemed. Then I got comfortable in the routine of stayed home and developed some complacent behaviors. My wife brought up going home to our home town which is a 9 hour drive away in May. When Covid first hit I assumed travel was off the table for this year and convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen this year. Travel is a MAJOR trigger for me. We decided to wait till later the summer. We decided maybe the fall , ie thanksgiving. Now thanksgiving weekend is upon us and my wife brought up the trip again. Actually she brought it up a month ago on a Skype call with my parents. At that time I had basically a panic attack like I haven’t had in years. My parents tried to console me and convince me it was ok to not travel right now and to concentrate on improving my health. My therapist has agreed to work with me on it. Now I’m so confused and scared and sad I don’t know what to think. The pressure of traveling has made me moody and crooked. I’m blaming my state on others. It’s causing trouble between me and my wife. She really wants to go . She doesn’t want to enable me but doesn’t want the backlash. I also don’t wanna be the guy who prevented my family from a nice trip where my daughter can see her grandparents. I’m so hurt and confused. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.

Now my HOCD’s making time think that I was using straight and lesbian porn to cover up my identity. Fml. Why do these thoughts keep happening? I’m literally accepting and agreeing with my thoughts but they’re still there and so are the false attractions. FML! WHY CANT THIS JUST GO AWAY?

this lady summed up erp to me as this: imagine a cold deep pool of water. you dip your toe in and take it out because it is freezing. the same is for erp because it is cold at first and we don’t want to jump in (be exposed to our fears). Then, we have had enough of being outside of the pool (suffering from ocd) and decide to jump in and give it a shot (start erp). At first it is cold and makes us want to get back out (erp gets worse before it gets better and we want to reassure ourselves). But over time we warm up and get better (the outcome of erp).

Im on 350mg Zoloft and 2mg twice daily Risperidone for my false memory harm ocd i have a fear that i commented said violent threats on paper or online on social media

I hate to admit it but last night I caved and looked stuff up for reassurance. I was dead inside last night and on the verge of completely breaking down. I still don’t know when exactly I’m starting therapy. I actually managed to find some stuff that made me feel a little bit better, but here’s the problem: I took some screenshots of what I found and keep looking back at them when I start feeling bad. Is this a compulsion? Reassurance?

I had to quit my job because i got thoughts and false memories that i wrote down violent threats about my workplace on papers and signed my name signature on the threats and put it in the desk drawers and when they would find it i would get locked up for the threats, i am now on 350mg zoloft and 2mg twice daily Risperidone, my therapist told me to say those thoughts are not me

Can anyone relate or give me some advice..I tried to do some erp and I read the article on comphet and I related to several of the "signs" on there. I also read an article about how a woman who was married to a man for 12 years had an awakening and realized she was attracted to women and divorced her husband to find a girlfriend. Also how most straight girls can't imagine themselves being sexual with another woman or they get grossed out/uncomfortable and that doesn't happen to me. I don't necessarily like it or get turned on by it but I feel like "whatever" about it...HOWEVER when I also think about me being sexual with a guy I don't get all hot and bothered and have sexual thoughts about a guy and crave it like most women do...I'm really scared about this

I have been dealing with harm ocd! I have not been diagnosed with ocd but my therapist thinks I have it. Anyways I’ve never had bad thoughts about killing. I got them back in January and it wasn’t killing it was more like what if something bad happening to my family and it went away in two days because I was going to school. Ever since quarantine started my horrible thoughts came back! We have a machete in the kitchen closet for protection in case a burglar breaks in. I’ve always known that since I was little. Recently I remembered we have one and I got so scared. My mind was like “what if I lose control and hurt them with it” every single day I wake up in scared that at night I will be convinced by my thoughts and act on it! It’s so stressful I’m so scared. I love my family more than anything. My brain tricks me so much it tells me “you don’t love them” “do it” “hurt them” “I want to”. I always try to spend time with them and whenever they talk about future plans that they want to do i get so scared that my brain is gonna say “they will be dead because of me before they can do future plans” it’s so so so so scary!

I have a question, if you identify as bisexual can you feel sexual atraction for one gender ? But romantically atraction to the other? I'm scared that i don't like men, i really want to have a relationship with a man but I feel that i don't have a sexual atraction and know I'm scared as hell.

I’m so fucking scared. Yesterday I took one antibiotic (minocycline) then I took two today. One before bed, though. Not a good idea. I’m on the verge of a panic attack, reading all these bad reviews on the medicine. Some people get lupus, DRESS syndrome etc. For me, I think my vision gets a bit blurry sometimes after using it. It’s 1am rn and I can’t sleep because I feel itchy and I’m really really hoping I don’t break out into hives or something since a lot of people said that was a side effect. I’m going to stop taking the meds tomorrow because I’d rather have acne than this constant anxiety over “is the medication going to kill me?” I feel like such an idiot. All of this just for clear skin? I’m not going to risk it. I can’t. I hate my mind and I hate my body and I hate that I have to choose between one. I really wish I could talk to someone right now.

I wanna confess so bad. I think I need to confess I feel horrible

health ocd- does anyone have advice that works for them on how to deal with it? physical and mental. sometimes i’ll just sit there and evaluate every physical feeling i am having and then other times feel like i’m going to lose it mentally ugh

I feel like such a monster. I wish I could get over this obsession but it seems to always be at the back of my mind. I know sexual experimentation is normal as a child, but what I did, I think goes beyond that. I was 10, and I put my little sister’s hand on my breast while she was sleeping. For my own sexual gain or curiosity, I don’t even know at this point. I don’t think I can ever let myself live this down. I’m so disgusting and terrible and I wish I could erase what I’ve done, I really do.

Hello everyone. It’s my first time on this app and I’m nervous and scared about my sexuality. I’ve identified as straight all my life. I’ve had numerous and countless girl crushes over the years and have never considered myself gay or bisexual in the slightest. But 4 months ago, my friend called me “sus” for knowing a gay scene from the movie Moonlight, and I haven’t been able to stop questioning and obsessing over my sexuality. As the months went by (4 months) I started to remember memories of my childhood which I’m terrified by. I’m remembering times when I had erections to things that were gay, like the Take me to Church music video and the Incredible Hulk game for the PS2. (Everytime the hulk took heavy damage, he would start heavily breathing. Keep in mind I was 8-9 when the hulk incident happened and 13-14 when the Take me to church video incident happened.) I would get erections to everything and anything that would be remotely sexual during those times, but the first thing I ever masturbated to was a woman, and have continued to do so for 6 years. I don’t have any hate or malice towards the LGBTQ+. If people want to be married to the person they love, then what’s stopping them you know? I just don’t see the point in discrimination based on sexuality. But I don’t know what I am anymore. I know I want to be married to a woman and have kids and live the rest of my life with her, but this HOCD has been bringing out the worst in me like bringing up the past, provide groinal responses, and false attraction to boot. I don’t know if what I’m going through is OCD. I’ve been on Reddit, Psychforums, OCDaction, and anything that could help me find out a lot at to prove if what I have is HOCD or not. I’ve spent countless hours ruminating and going on forums and websites to prove that I’m straight. Please help me. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. Not because of any social stigmas or public repercussions, but because it feels right by ME.