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I can’t forgive myself for the things I did in my early teens. I get intrusive thoughts about the gross things I’ve done and I hate myself. I don’t understand what I was thinking when I did these things but I feel like a different person now. I feel like a horrible awful person. Like I don’t deserve to feel happy. Help.

We hired 2 new males associates... we only usually have female workers and one male. I am very uncomfortable around one of them.. I am so scared I am gonna leave my partner! I’m scared bc I’ve been finding men more attractive lately without me even saying anything... it’s like the back of my mind is saying hey! Look at him he’s handsome! Date him! My friend and I had a long talk yesterday and she asked me a load full of questions about why I am convinced I don’t love my partner anymore... I broke down crying.... freaking out when she would say things about him.. she kept telling me people who know they don’t love their partner doesn’t cry this badly over it. 😞 I answered questions.. she asked is he that boring to where you wanna leave him? Even now writing that I feel like I am lying to her, all of you and myself.. he can be boring sometimes but who isn’t... I am obsessing over a lot..... I’ve gained weight, been stress buying things I really don’t need, crying still... I test myself saying I am gonna break up with my partner.... to just get a reaction... 😞 I complemented him this morning and felt a sick feeling in my stomach. He saw me have a panic attack by looking to the side and just staring at the floor.. 😞 I know I love him a lot I really really do.... I am scared to have sex still....

I feel empty inside and short of breath. Do I even know if this is POCD anymore??? I wish I had never looked up that shota, and I know my life would be so much better if I hadn’t...but do I? Or am I lying? I have writings from previous years (diaries/OCD forum posts) and memories that say I was attracted to men my own age or older. Is that a lie too? And was that really me who wrote those? I know what discovering something about oneself feels like and this is NOT it. I once learned I wouldn’t mind fucking aliens (you have mass effect to thank for that. Garrus Vakarian specifically) and I am still okay with fucking aliens. I love Garrus and Jaal. But do I really know? And do I really love them? I know what actual arousal feels like. I felt it listening to an audio for a character that is of legal age. And I felt it while watching gay porn that contained two actual men of legal age and were actually older. Or do I? And did i? I know I enjoyed writing/reading nsfw fanfictions and reading nsfw comics starring characters that were of legal age. I know I also made sure there was no underage of any kind. Or did I? I know I had my first crush in 6th grade. He was in my class. I couldn’t stop looking for him. I began to care what he thought about me. I’d get embarrassed if anyone suspected I liked him, which was only a handful of times since I tried not to make it obvious lol. Or did I make all that up? I know when I was 14, several months before my HOCD first sucker punched me in the gut, I was just beginning to lightly worry that I was attracted to other girls. I was on vacation far from home and I was feeling kind of down. But then I met our tour guide. He was handsome and he cheered me right up and I got nervous (good nervous) around him. And even felt embarrassed when my grandmother seemed to have caught on and teased me about it. Or was I pretending? I know I generally tend to go for broad shouldered older men with dark/tan skin, dark hair, and chest hair (Jeff goldblum in Independence Day, Mark ruffalo in avengers, Jesse McCree in Overwatch). Or did I fake liking those? I know I was completely shameless in my attraction to Leon from Pokémon Sword and Shield, who is most definitely in his twenties. But am I really sure? I know when Markiplier came out with his limited supply and autographed nude calendar I wanted to get one but didn’t cause I wasn’t sure how I could ever explain it to my mom. Or did I lie about wanting one? And did I fake being attracted to/crushing on him for three years? I know I felt real pain and bawled my eyes out when I learned Dan Avidan from game grumps (who is sixteen years older than me and also doesn’t even know I exist) had a girlfriend. It was a very hard day. But was it? Or did I just pretend? I know when I learned what Japan’s legal age was I felt like that wasn’t right. That it was too young. Or was I secretly happy? I know when I saw how Sarada was drawn in the Boruto manga, I was furious. She’s twelve for God’s sake! Or was I secretly enjoying it? I know when the scandal involving Epst**n and M**well came out, I was horrified and sad. Who would do something like that to poor sweet children? Or did I? When I would see old stranger danger videos, I would feel like the men trying to convince these kids were gross. Or did I secretly want to be them? I know I’ve always had a strong maternal side, and was like the worrying older sister/mom in my friend group in high school, and as such decided I wanted to have children of my own to protect and love. Or do I? And how do I know I won’t want to hurt them? I know when I held my baby niece for the first time I loved her right away and wanted to do anything to protect her. Or did I actually want to harm her?

hello everybody. for about 3 years now i have felt suicidal on and off and intensely depressed everyday. i could never quite pinpoint why but what i did know is that everybody around me infuriated me, people i’d never even spoken to with little behaviours, speech, the way they’d do certain things etc. around a year ago maybe more i started getting intrusive thoughts based on incest that made me feel so disgusting within myself that i couldn’t be around that family member for months. i’d lock myself away from them. i decided to replace those thoughts i’d try and think of something worse, mutilation. now i have to think of mutilation everyday and it always has to be specific and it feels like an urge like my brain is saying ‘DO THIS DO THIS’ for example my most common one is cutting off all of my fingers with a meat cleaver. however, if i had this thought with a knife i’d feel dirty and wrong and have to think of it with a cleaver because that’s ‘correct’. sometimes i’ll get a physically tingling in my body parts, normally my legs. this leads to me thinking of lying on a train track and letting a train cut them off. stuff like this always floods my mind. a common thing when i think a lot is getting the urge to shoot my self in the face or imagining my corpse post shot. i’m in the u.k. and don’t have access to firearms. i have always been obsessive. when i was younger i was fixated on thomas the tank engine. it got to the point where i would go to a toy shop and be disappointed to find if managed to amass my collection to the point there was never a single one i didn’t own. recently i got into the band manic street preachers. i could tell you the last thing richey ever wrote to somebody, the name of his only girlfriend, where she was form and how old she was and why it was significant he left the note. he was all i spoke about for weeks. after the rosy every thursday i have to go to the bathroom, go into the first stall and head it the right wall repeatedly. i always have to buy a bottle of lemon flavoured water everyday, most days i don’t even drink it i just feel wrong without it. there’s a lot more but this is running a little long don’t you think? basically, on the 10th of december i will be going to get assessed for 2 and a half hours by a therapist to determine what my issues are. speaking with friends who have been professionally diagnosed and my current therapist (who isn’t qualified to fully deal with OCD) they are all feeling it is OCD. my therapist thinks it’s worth looking into whereas my diagnosed friends are certain my diagnosis will come back positive. i feel guilty because a part of me has that voice saying ‘your faking it all this isn’t real’ etc etc but i tells myself i wouldn’t have to go and be there and i wouldn’t feel awful if it wasn’t real. i don’t know if it’s linked but in the last 6 months i have developed tics that vary in severity. what do you all think? does this sound like OCD?

I just can’t get over that I looked up that shota hentai! I’m 25! There’s no reason why I should have looked at it! I shouldn’t have looked at it from ages 19-20 either but I did (to be fair I don’t think I realized what shota actually was at the time) I feel so ashamed. I wish I had never done that. Then maybe I wouldn’t have stupid POCD and I could get in with my life. I don’t even know what’s true anymore :(

Have any of you experimented with drugs and it made your ocd worse? I’ve had anxiety since I was very little. I remember being in 3rd grade and having intrusive thoughts, (though I didn’t realize that’s what they were until learning more about OCD more recently.) I would go to my mom crying/panicking that I didn’t know if I was gay or questioning whether I had sexual feelings for my dad or brother. I always thought of OCD as compulsive hand washing and the more stereotypical OCD symptoms. So, now I’m starting to realize that I thought I had just generalized anxiety but it’s actually ocd. I’m 25 and felt like for the most part I had gotten my anxiety under control or more manageable at least, it didn’t consume my life like it did when I was in high school. Then one day with my friends I tried ecstasy. It’s not even like I had a bad time on it or anything but literally a week after doing it, I started obsessing over how I felt while on it and how intense it was. I couldn’t stop obsessing and eventually told myself that the ecstasy forever messed me up and my brain will never go back to normal and of course went to google where I read some very scary things. I guess it was just panic attacks I was having. My doctor said that while she can’t diagnose me after one visit, this did sound like ocd and that my obsessions most likely aren’t a result of the drug and it was already a part of me, but the drugs brought it out in me. I am doing so much better than I was a year ago right after I took the drug but still some days I question if ecstasy made me go crazy and how would I know if it made me crazy

Toxic relationship. I met a guy at work and developed a codependent, toxic, abusive relationship for three years . It’s been 8 weeks since I told him, I could not talk to him since I needed to focus on my mental health and I needed to get better . He made me feel guilty and does not understand OCD. He just made me feel guilt, told me I never loved him and accused me of seeing someone . I feel HORRIBLE. During the relationship it was a rolercoaster . Yes, he has good qualities but everyone has good qualities. I been told by a high source that he displayed psychotic tendencies . Ever since we met at work , he became very controlling and possessive . He didn’t want me to have a conversation with any guy at work . Just a hello was enough . I didn’t have the courage to leave and got resentful . I made the mistake to tell him that he can not talk to any females there . That was a mistake on my part because I think we had no business to tell each other who to talk too . To defend myself , I guess I was so miserable in the relationship that I just reacted . During work, every time I went to the bathroom I prayed that no male would get up . If a guy got up even 15 min after me , he would assume I was talking to that guy . Every time I got up , I got a text message asking if I saw this person. It was too much and I would respond with meanness. I’m not proud of myself . He even accused me of getting a guy’s attention by bending over to get water . There is a rational part of me that knows he was wrong but I still stayed . Again, I reacted with meanness every time he questioned me which was multiple times a day . He was an alcoholic and I helped him get 100 percent sober . He even said I was the only person that helped him . He tolerated my ocd but my ocd got worse , every year I stayed with him . Last March , Covid hit and we are still working remotely . He really started to show his crazy and cruelty. I had to put my cat to sleep and my cat was only three years old with a severe case of pancreatitis. I was heart broken and with the death of my cat, his cruelty and controlling ways , and Covid my ocd flared up . I called him a lot and he was mean . He could not tolerate that my ocd was high and dealt with it by abusing me . Why do I miss him? He would mock my ocd and told me I needed mental help and that I called him like a fool. What really hurts is that I miss him still . I’m crying right now . Here I helped him get sober and he got worse with his abuse. I still check his social media but I know I should not even care . Can someone help ?

Do you ever just get a thought in your head and you’re like “wow if i thought this then it must be true/it must’ve happened etc” “i thought about it for a reason”

Does anyone else's OCD make them feel like they want the intrusive thoughts?

Ive had 4 diffefemt themes. so-ocd seems to be the one that always comes back, just as convincing everytime. Any advice for this (handling the backdoor spike/old themes to not fall into rumination, etc.)

God help me why has this happened to me i have 2 kids a gf i love and i feel like my world has fallen apart. I dont know what to do ?😞

Ive had ocd for years they keep changing i used to do numbers even numbers then odd numbers then washing my hands now its harm ocd (and unplugging plugs but i didnt know that was a sign of ocd but when i do unplugg and plug in things i have to do it loads of times) i think about harming people and myself that i DO NOT want to do and i hate it it tortures me i have to think "f*** off (my name) no your not no you dont shut up (my name) no your not no you dont" i have to walk over or past things alot of times becsuse it "slits my wrists" or "slits my neck" and i dont want that to happen so i do the things and i even dont do school work because if i write things wrong i have to cross and cross things out and write them loads of times just to cross them out again and put loads of dots and underline things loads of times and sometimes i cant even put my hand on the paper because its "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" and i dont want to put my self under that much stress so sometimes i just dont do it so i dont get stressed but sometimes i get stressed and carry on and then takes ages to stop and when i stop i dont want to start again incase it starts again and i get shouted at by my teachers for not doing any work most of the time the teachers dont notice that ive done none or not much but then they dont notice me crying over it anyway the worse part is mental health day or when they talk about mental health because all they talk about is depression i know depression is bad but why cant you talk about other things like ocd like eating disorders why cant you just talk about the problems im facing and what other people are facing instead of depression all the time ive told teachers about this my old head of year i told her more than ive told any other teacher more than ive told any one i think actually but theyre no help ive never been to a therapist or whatever you have for things like this i really want to go to one because i think i need one but i feel really awkward talking about things like normal things like underwear and puberty and mental health I feel like ill never be normal i feel like i cant have a normal life like bring up a kid and that breaks my heart all the time and that if i ever have a kid i cant bring it up properly or it'll look at me weird or that ill pass it onto them I hate what happens to me in my mind everyday it tortures me everyday I hate that i look at myself abit differently learning its a disability Now that i think of it and i really dont want to say this but a few times i have thought about people sexually any ages normally not even my own i DONT want to think like this I sometimes think about suicide but i dont know if thats an instrusive thought because i DO NOT want to commit suicide AT ALL I hate how my life has come to me not being able to tell my parents or anyone my problems i hate hate HATE IT i dont know what to do...

Once again the thoughts want to start right when I wake up dam and yesterday ended so well.

This isn't relating to my OCD and i know I should probably been seeking help from a different app but idk any other apps where you can write comments abt how you feel so this is the only place I know that people can write back and give advice on so sorry for not talking about something that is OCD related. This is going to be very lengthy though! So basically i have been seeking help from a psychologist but she hasn't been helping me at all and I'm thinking of changing and I feel bad, even though I shouldn't but i also most likely suffer from social anxiety. I hate self diagnosing and I've been having phone sessions with my psychologist but it hasn't been as interactive as it could be. Basically, she told me that I do have anxiety but I always feel like I can't label it as social anxiety unless I properly get diagnosed by a psychiatrist. She told me that it sounds like generalised anxiety in different situations but I only feel extremely anxious in social situations and relate more to the symptoms of social anxiety then generalised anxiety but it has been really tough at school because i get mild panic attacks often. Triggers for me include, going to parade(I often experience physical symptoms, such as: heart palpitations, nausea, hot flashes and just feelings of panic) so I usually skip. Also things like volunteering or speaking in class 🤢, doing things while others watch or observe me(eating infront of classmates that I'm not close with etc), getting to class where there's alot of people, confirming I'm here for attendance(especially when my teachers are away), getting called on etc. I feel so anxious and i wish anxiety wasn't a thing but I have amazing friends who support me. I couldn't even go to school today because two of my teachers said they were going to be away and i spent yesterday panicking for today because I feel extremely anxious when it comes to saying "here" on the attendance roll because I am self conscious of my voice and I think everyone will judge me. My psychologist just recommended me breathing exercises. Any one got any other tips?? I appreciate anyone who took the time to read my rant, sorry. I wish everyone on this app will get the treatment they need to feel better asap !!

Anybody here on medication for their OCD? I know everyone’s experience is different, and different medications work differently for different people, but I’m just trying to get a pulse on what to expect. I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon and I’m hoping to get some meds going.

Is anyone else a severe germaphobe and worries constantly about what they might have touched/feels the constant need to wash their hands? Since the pandemic hit my ocd has gotten a lot worse and now all I think about is what dirty things I may have touched and if I’m contaminated. It occupies my whole day. Even when I know I haven’t touched anything, I can’t stop thinking that I have and that I need to wash or sanitize my hands again. It takes over my whole life and I’m wondering if anyone else can relate.

any HOCD women sufferers? has anyone read the lesbian master doc? if so can you tell me how it made you feel! i'm putting off reading it because i'm afraid my brain will trick me.

hey sorry im back for one question. I need help stopping the horrihle distressing urge to confess everything to my mom. i need help with stopping confessions

I feel like this is a ridiculous question, but Ive thought quite a bit about it so here goes. I have a hard time having hobbies or knowing what I want. Whenever there is time off I spend most of my time with OCD (sad). But I also spend quite a bit of time wondering about what Im gonna do, what I want to, what my dreams are. For the longest time I figured out what I wanted by reading about what others do and feeling like I should do the same. And mostly I do passive things because I never seem to figure out what I should do. Or what I "really want". Can this be an obsession about spending my time right? I had a hard time wording this the way I wanted to. But just putting it out there in case anyone relates and knows how to pin point it better. It is as is thinking about this eludes me.

I wondering if this is an OCD thing or just anxiety what I experienced yesterday: so I’ve gotten into the habit every night to watch my shows with my brother before bed, like we’ll grab a snack and head to his room to watch about 3 episodes and then we go our separate ways to sleep. I also go to bed very late out of bad habit. So last night I felt like I wanted to try going to bed early and spend some quality alone time so I told him if it’d be alright to skip our usual tv viewing and he said okay. So I went to do my own thing and sat down to play my video game for a bit. But during it I started to feel so guilty and bad for canceling our thing, like I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I kept thinking what if he felt bad and I ruined our night and just having this horrible guilt in my gut until finally I couldn’t take it anymore and went to his room saying I changed my mind and we could watch, to where he was like ...okay if you want to. I was just surprised how guilty I felt about it and felt like I failed myself by instead of sitting with that guilt to try and cancel the horrible feeling. Thoughts?