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Why has my mind done this to me ?

ocd destroyed me

This is not a way to live

I don't know what to do. I'm not going to talk about the thoughts themselves since it's reassurance so no trigger warning. I'm a 16 year old male so I'm in highschool with the pandemic and OCD my grades are doing terrible, I have a 42 in math and I feel it's just going to get worse. I have always planned on joining the Military and being a police officer. With the military me seeking any form of therepy, or medication is a instant disqualification. Even if I abandon my lifetime dream, likely hood of being hired as a police officer would be low. I'm starting to have negative side affects of stress and anxiety for so long. My hands have been shaking on occasion randomly, recently some small red marks like mosquito bites have been appearing on arms and chest. About 15 total, google apparently says it's from stress. I'm in a bad position and feel like everything has been taken from me with this. I don't know what to do. I wanted to have a job with a difference. Me going to university for say a doctor degree doesn't seem to be in the cards. I'm a shell of my former self. All I've wanted is to serve my country against all threats foreign and domestic, and to have a wife and kids. I don't see why this would happen to me. I knew everything I wanted from this god forsaken world. I've made posts here like this. But I do it again and I'm not sure what I'm expecting. Whoever reads this, thanks for taking time out of your short life to hear my troubles.

I have begun starting to hate people an I feel so angry when I see others happy because I’m struggling so much it breaks my heart that I have nothing or no one I feel so unlovable so seeing people happy makes feel resentful I can’t help it

Tomorrow at 3pm I have to watch a my video of a lesbian wedding. That's one of my ERP assignments from my therapist. I am posting this so I am somewhat accountable to actual people. I can do it. I've been to pride like 5 times I can watch a wedding. I will do it. I won't do any compulsions. 🙏🏽

I’m literally trying to fantasize about Judy Alvarez from cyberpunk and yet I can’t because I see Rei and Asuka on my fucking mind. I used to like them because I thought they were older until I realized they were 14. WHAT THE FUUCCCKKKKK

I JUST WANT TO THINK OF GIRLS MY AGE OR OLDER. CAUSE I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE AS IS BECAUSE OF MY HOCD AND NOW POCD TOO? FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKIKK

How do I tell an intrusive thought apart from something I actually want??? When this began I used to have anxiety attacks every day for like 2 months and now I just get butterflies. I can’t tell if it’s something I don’t want anymore 😭

I cant lead a normal life with this going on. I just feel like im walking around on auto pilot 😞

So basically I feel like My boyfriend was calling me fat and stuff. Well yesterday we’re watching the Jersey shore and I looked down at my stomach because were eating like chocolate chip cookies, then I don’t know My boyfriend was just like poking out my stomach and he was laughing but he said he wasn’t laughing at my stomach he was just messing around with me. So then Hes like let me prove to you that I love your body so he’s like let me see your body(not forcing though) so he took my leggings I said no but it wasn’t stern or anything it was kind of like a whetever No, and then I got up and let them take my shirt off. And then after tht I felt uncomfortable and my brian is like “omg is this rape” and stuff like tht. And cried and got upset because he said he didn’t mean to hurt me was trying to prove a point but in my head I don’t know which turned into this like thing

TMI So I'm on my period rn and idk why but my hocd has been extremely intense. My false attraction is going out of hand and it doesn't even feel like false attraction. I'm literally liking all the sexual thoughts I have and that freaks me out! I just want to like men and I can't deal with having sexual thoughts about women anymore. At this moment I don't even know if I have hocd anymore. Maybe I am what I fear of being:(

So I need too talk too someone about a situation.

First, let me preface this with that I am not seeking reassurance with this post. I just need to put it out into the ether. I’ve had OCD in one form or another my entire life. Only last June it morphed into rOCD really bad and I had a nervous breakdown. With all the stress that I am under not only as a teacher during COVID, but a mother of two young children, I’ve been spiking like crazy. Everything my husband does annoys me. He is dealing with his own mental health issues but self medicated daily with booze and pot. He has just started seeing a virtual therapist. My sex drive is at an all time low and when I’m spiking I don’t even want to be touched. He has worked really hard in a short amount of time to be supportive and understanding of my triggers, but sometimes his human side comes out and he makes me feel bad about my OCD. “I just want to have sex with my wife. You don’t love me anymore, I disgust you.” Which of course makes me spike even more. I know avoiding sex is part of my compulsions but I’m just so mentally, emotionally, and physically taxed that sex is the furthest thing from my mind. He, at times, can be cruel and spiteful and almost give me the silent treatment the next day after he’s asked for sex and I’ve said no. I just don’t know what to do. I’m also on an SSRI which could be affecting my libido. I know it’s not fair to him at all and any normal person would be frustrated by me. Any ideas on how to quell the rage and resentment that he has against me is greatly appreciated.

So I'm going through ERP. My partner and I have agreed a hierarchy. One of the items we are tackling is packages coming into the house. I wasnt letting my partner do it so this was the task. I agreed with my therapist that it is reasonable to ask my partner to dispose of the outer packaging and let the stuff thats inside sit in a clean area and that she would wash her hands afterwards and inwoukdnt challenge her or follow behind cleaning up. Or doing any safety behaviours. This is fine buy I just feel that she is so so thoughtless. I told her only yesterday that every morning I wake up I am anxious for about an hour until I come round. on top of that she knows that I am not sleeping, I get about 2 hours from 6am every day. While I was sleeping this morning a package came and instead of leaving it on the doorstep as we normally do she just brought it in and opened it etc. Now I know that essentially what she did was right but it didn't give me a chance to challenge the ocd in a controlled way. I woke up.already anxious and saw that a package had arrived and she just did what she liked. On top.of all that today is the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. I'm just anxious full stop. She thinks she supports me well but she really has no consideration or understanding for me I feel. I said to her today that whilst essentially what she did was right I had told her that I wake up anxious every morning and it would of been better to wait to do the behavioural experiment when I was fully conscious and I wasn't in already such a heightened state. It took me about an hour to calm down and ti be honest I'm still not calm. I am angry and resentful and I just keep focusing on points where she could have touched with contaminated hands and focusing on all the negatives of her personality and our relationship. I feel alot of the time that I would rather live on my own during this pandemic and not have her triggering my ocd or have tohave the guilty feeling about making her feel like crap and trapped because of the restrictions ocd puts on her. While I was trying to calm down I was thinking about ways that I could just finish things and move out. I know that I would be alot more lonely without her but it would be less difficult to manage my ocd and it wouldn't change things really as I look after myself in the house anyway...i cook, I clean, I do the washing I support and care for myself as she dies nothing except order takeaways and ear crap. She would never eve think of cooking a dinner for us. I might aswell live on my own anyway as the conversation is scant and so is the affection. I know that ocd has affected my mood and I'm.deoressed and anxious all the time aswell as having had preliminary diagnosis of MS. But I feel wholey unsupported and uncared for by her and quite lonely actually. I know she may feel that way too but 8 do TRY ti make her feel.less that way. I cook her meals and try ti be affectionate but the she just doesn't listen. Never hears me. And doesn't even listen or stop to think about ocd and how to approach it with me, as in working the way up the hierarchy in the correct way. I just feel unsupported and there is no way that I can say that to her as she is sensitive at the moment and takes everything as a criticism. I said ti her that whilst what she did this morning was essentially correct it would of been better ti wait considering I told her on waking up im in a high state of anxiety already. She just made a face and ignored me. How can I work with that?? I'm so depressed at the minute and unhappy in every aspect of my life. I know she must feel that way too but I can only manage my own feeling and im not doing very well at that. Sorry to all who reads this for it being a very long post im just very down at the moment

So I have a general problem that I don't think is centered around OCD by itself, but a more human problem. So aside from my OCD worries I'm constantly worried, unconfident, and unsure about my sex life. I'm 19 and I've never had a girlfriend before. As much as I desired wanting a girlfriend and always dreaming of settling down with one, I never felt ready. I'm still not ready. There are some friends that are girls and I really enjoy their company. When I was a kid I used to have a fear of girls and that went away through getting older. When I was younger I had my innocence. I didn't know about sexual things. And I'm glad it stayed that way for as long as it could. I had fun when I was younger, and I got to explore way more with confidence. I got to be with more people, and I got to achieve dreams of mine. Ever since I discovered porn unintentionally, it's skewed a lot of perspectives for me when it comes to anything sexual. Because of pornography, I've tried to engage in sexual exploration with people near my age. Mostly online. Looking back, I didn't enjoy what became of that and I still don't now. I didn't enjoy that I had gotten hooked on pornography. I didn't enjoy that looked at the things. To keep it short, I'm not comfortable with sexual activity resolving around others. I'm not happy that I got curious about sexual things either. I'm aware that people have had to make mistakes in order to understand things in life but it's hard to say the same for myself. I want to keep sexual things out of my life, but that seems so impossible now. So many things are sexualized, and I have triggers that are all over the place. Usually I want to avoid it all, but I can't. I end up relapsing, and googling compulsively. Currently trying my best to escape pornography and anything remotely sexual that can appear online, but I know that's not 100% possible. I'm trying not to care about it either, but I can't help it. I just didn't know who to turn to for sexual advice at this time. I always feel guilty when I use erotic videos and pictures or things in attracted to in women because these things can link to terrible things in the industry or society in general. I always feel bad about these things even though I shouldn't. I don't know if I should tell someone about this or journal it to myself. Maybe I'm taking a risk by talking about it on here. Maybe I'm hoping that someone can relate in terms of dealing with these sexual insecurities, not that I want them to be dealing with them. I don't know. I just always thought that my life was perfectly okay without anything sexual. The mistakes that I constantly worry about always have to do with being sexually curious. And I just wish that I never was sometimes. I always think about sexual things. I don't know if they're intrusive or not. I don't know if it's okay for me to be thinking about sexual things this much at this age. I don't know if it's okay if I still don't know how things work sexually. I don't know if it's okay or not that I've made sexual mistakes whether it'd be years ago or even a couple months ago. I'm uncertain about all of these things, and I feel like not dealing with sexual things and avoiding them as much as possible may help.

tmi and nsfw warning.... i was masturbating earlier and couldn’t think of anything to turn me on but then this porno i watched years ago popped into my head (it was of a mom and a daughter masturbating) and i kept thinking about it and orgasmed from the thoughts and now i’m freaking out hours later cause that’s such a fucked up porno and idk why i came thinking about it it makes me so disgusted i fucking hate myself

Quick story time: when I was in 5th grade my mom and her friends let’s make her (Susan) told me I needed to grow my boobs bigger because that attracted boys. In fucking fifth gradeee. When I was 10. And Susan and My mom would compare me to Susan’s daughter who already was tall and had big boobs. Lmao. They said I needed to eat more and be more like her. So low key that affected me to this day because now I’m 15 and I don’t wear t shirt or one layer shirt because I don’t have boobs yet and it also paranoid me that people will make fun of me for having no boobs.

Would God punish me for my sins with my moms death? Or even punish her because of my sins?

I have a confusing question to ask: So several times on this app people have told others to focus on the present and not the past or future or be worried about those two things, which is very good. I'm glad people are helping with those answers in mind. But, what do they really mean by this when said? Does it mean that the present is what's making the future to begin with and the past doesn't matter because it's the past? What if the past comes back into the present and ruins my future? What if there is no future to begin with? Depending on my mood, I have thoughts about the past and future and they seem negative and I use my phone as a compulsion to distract myself from it but am I doing everything right? I keep thinking of the mistakes that had happened months ago and I keep thinking that I deserve to be locked behind a cell for these things or that I'll be beaten to death by groups of people. These specific thoughts keep reoccurring and I want them to go away. I'm worried that they're true.