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I honestly hate my life. No cap, no nothing. I currently have a bunch of themes and I can’t have one day without constantly being scared of everything. My hardest them is pocd, it’s a very dark theme, and I hate it. I get triggers from all of my themes daily and I can’t relax. I’ve been hating myself a lot because I get messed up thoughts that no good person would ever get. I hate it. I’m scared that I may be some monster, and I feel as though I don’t deserve to live a life. I feel like a wasted life. I’ve had big goals in my life and I plan to get to where I want to be, but I can’t. I can’t because I feel like a monster. Also just writing how I am depressed and want to end it all, feels like I am one of those manipulative people who say they are suicidal to get their victims to feel sorry for them. It’s all messed up. I don’t even know if I am a good person or just a monster. I have a therapist who is good, but I’m not getting better. I’ve been trying to practice talking to myself and relaxing. It works, but it’s not the cure. She told me on time that she would get me into a group of people who also go through the same thing, but that never happened. Sometimes I feel like the appointments are inconsistent. One day she tells me we will be doing 2 appointments per week, that turned into 1 per week, to 1 per two week, and it goes in a cycle. I’d prefer if I had a consistent appointment like 1 every 2 weeks. So that I’m not always guessing what’s next and that my therapist can be reliable. I know this sounds like me talking shit, but I just had to put this in. Funny kind of, but eh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have a therapist. It’s just that I want to find a more reliable therapist who doesn’t have a whole bunch of other people to work with and forget about what I need to be better. Jesus Christ, I’ve been writing more about my therapist than my ocd. This should’ve be a complaint post about my therapist rather than a post of how depressed I am. But anyways, the short story is that I honestly hate my life. I don’t feel like I should be happy, and I feel like a monster. Plus I don’t like how my therapist is working with me. I am not getting any better. I really don’t like how my therapist is such a pain in the- ok that’s it. I’m sorry for any therapists out there. It’s just that’s she’s such a- alright too far. I gotta be nice. She’s a very good person. Very lovely therapist. 10/10. I need a new therapist. Ok that’s it. (It’s a joke, I like my therapist tbh. Or do I?) (Naw. She’s a really good person honestly. She helps a lot. I just wished she was more reliable with what she promises)

Honestly it seems so much easier to just die then deal with childhood mistakes and now the OCD that is attached to it. I don’t deserve to live

I had a really bad thought and kind of ignored it because i knew checking would only make it worse but it felt real and I had a thought of "thats what you want" and I am really afraid now. What should I do?

Sometimes I would want to give up and say that "Yeah I'm bi", but the thing is I don't even know if I'm genuinely attracted to girls. Beyond the physical level (like appearance and such), I find it weird if I do engage with them in a romantic or sexual way.. but even if I do say that I'm not interested in them in that kind of way, it feels like I'm just lying to myself 😣

Anyone struggle with real event ocd? I can’t stop thinking about things that have happened in the past and it is ruining my life

all i think all fucking day is how i’m bisexual in denial but would someone in denial really even ruminate 24/7 about BEING IN DENIAL like i don’t know i don’t think so. that’s the only thing i can think that calms me down a bit. the anxiety gets so bad off and on to where i’m trying to come out to my boyfriend in tears but it doesn’t make me happy. like what the fuck someone with hocd doesn’t do this.

So I have a crush on this girl (idk if I do or not ) but then I looked at her profile Pic where she was wearing shorts and I just looked at her leg , I’m not sure if I was attracted to her profile picture or not , and then realized that she hadn’t changed her profile pic from grade 9 and we are in grade 11 now . When I realized I stopped looking at her profile picture . She’s 14 in that and I’m 17, and she’s on my class so I’m freaking out . I mean she’s facing back in that photo , And when I looked again knowing her age I felt nothing . I feel like this means I’m a pedophile . Idk if I was looking at the profile picture with sexual intentions or not . Ugh

can i ask someone for advice i’m really scared

Here's another question. I absolutely hate taking ocd meds. I hate the idea of something to depend on. Like, I abhore it. I hate being unable to fight things on my own, the whole dependency on big pharma is a trigger. I don't trust it. Maybe it's another theme. Who knows? Moreover, I'm very sensitive to meds, so the dose I can tolerate gives just a bit of relief if any, and the dose that might provide more relief gives me anxiety. but it takes SO MUCH mental energy and effort to deal with it on my own. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. I don't know what to do. On the one hand I might actually really need it because I'm suffering, on the other hand, the thoughts of being chemically dependent on something is so damn scary.

Anyone here ever beat real event ocd?

my infuriated thoughts are getting much intenser. my therapist told me not to reassurance but i can’t help this. i want to believe these are not my actual thoughts and i still have myself, but i don’t know anymore. i’m getting too used to have these thoughts and i’m scared. am i really like this? is this ocd? i wish i could just reset all the memories that i have and restart everything.

I need to vent. Like I’m so fucking tired of bullshit. So trigger warning: mentions of panic attacks and so on if that triggers you I’m 24 (F). I have OCD. I’ve had almost every subtype ever. I’ve had depression and I was on Prozac in 2018. I came off of it. Compared to how I feel recently I would rather face the worst of my OCD and depression. I fucking hate this. Background on me, I took bupropion for about 8 months. I started it last year because celexa made me gain weight and it killed my sex drive. I was having a bad ocd flare up so I took bupropion. It worked well. I had no complaints. Until I got lazy at taking it. I was on 150 mg XL. I got covid for Christmas. I thought I was recovering and everything was fine. But due to my own ineffectiveness at taking the meds and I guess not recovered all the way from covid, I had a giant panic attack at work at the beginning of February and I’ve known no peace since. I became agoraphobic out of nowhere. I’ve had anxiety all my life but NOTHING like this. I came off the bupropion because we thought it was withdrawals. Took Effexor and I had a horrible reaction. My doctor wanted to treat the anxiety and it just kept getting worse. I had a few panic attacks and then they let up, until this week. I’ve had three panic attacks in the last three days. I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight all the time. I’m constantly anxious. I’m exhausted all the time. I have brain fog. My head feels like it’s buzzing. My circulation is poor now. My hands and feet are always cold. My BP is super low now since having covid. But my hr can shoot up to high 90s just from sitting! I feel like I can’t breathe. My ears feel stuffed. Dry mouth/I feel like I can’t drink enough water to save my life. Light headed. Highly sensitive to light and sound during panic and after. The depersonalization/dissociation is the worst I’ve EVER had. I feel like I’m going crazy. Am I going to go into psychosis? Of course being in a constant state of anxiety makes my ocd act up so it just convinces me I’m dying or worse. That I’m never going to get better. My ocd wants to act like Sherlock Holmes but it overreacts. It’s not going to solve it. It’s convinced me I’m dying or I’m going to have a seizure or a stroke because it’s not used to this. I don’t know what’s left over from covid or what it is but this is not normal for me. I’ve had panic attacks but never like this. I go to a cardiologist in a week and a half. I am in CBT. I’ve got 10 mg of hydroxyzine and 0.25 mg of klonopin in my cabinet. My psychiatrist wants me to start Zoloft but I’m so scared to take it because of my bad reactions to bupropion and Effexor. I’m so sick of SSRIs. When I was on Prozac and celexa it got me over the hump of depression but it took away so much more. Still anxiety and depression was manageable. This sucks. I cry every day because I’m scared of it and I want my old life back. Everyone wants to throw pills at it and I feel so sick. My dad wants me to just take the klonopin to see what happens but I’ve seen him grow dependent on muscle relaxers for years. I’m so apprehensive to benzos because of family history and now my intolerance to SSRI/SNRIs. I’m thinking about asking for buspar... I don’t know. End of my venting. I’m just sad and I don’t feel like myself. This is the worst part about having ocd with other problems. It tried to be a sleuth but it’s not a very good detective. It just ends up making me feel like shit

I think what is making this all harder for me is not being able to talk to my dad about it anymore. He passed a month ago from cancer and he was the only person I could really talk to about what I’m going through. It makes me so sad that I have no one to turn to. My mom isn’t very understanding or supportive about it. When I first told her about what was going on with me she twisted it and called me names. (Worst name you could think of) and ever since it’s been hard to talk to her about it. I know it’s a compulsion if it’s ocd which I’m pretty sure it is but I’m absolutely terrified and I feel so alone. I have no one really in my life that could possibly understand and that’s why I’m come on the app and it’s been helpful knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. I just hope one day I can get help. That’s another thing my mom doesn’t agree with is me getting a therapist and I don’t know why. I guess because she’s scared I’m going to be misunderstood too. I’ve been struggling with this for a year now undiagnosed and I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to ever be a monster but my mind makes me think I am one. I’m exhausted

cancel culture has fucked up my life and my mental health. there are currently two past mistakes that i’ve made that many people may not even see as a big deal, but i’m constantly afraid of getting “exposed” and being ostracized and everyone hating me. it’s to the point where i’ve deleted all my social media and have considered isolating myself from all of my friends. i know it’s very unlikely that either of these things will come up in my life again and get me exposed/cancelled, but i’m obsessed with the thought. i’ve become suicidal because of this. i’m so afraid

Can someone talk to me???....Please be atleast 18....preferably over 20.....its regarding an animal. I am trying to fight this in prayer as well as talking about it......BUT the problem is SOMETHING actually did happen (I DID something that wasn't really on purpose)......I just don't know if my perception is 100% correct of the situation...I think its atleast 50% correct.......I wish someone could walk me off the ledge....I am suicidal... I NEEDED this place like a year ago......I have probably did one of the worst real event OCD's.......I guess if it's really bad sometimes people don't even feel shame.....I don't know though....I think I literally am kind of crazy....I am so mad at God. Can someone talk to me??

What did ocd convinced you of? Let’s laugh at ourselves, I’ll go first I’m a zoophile and occasionally heterosexual. I also happen to be an atheist.

Is anyone else just blown away at the price of therapy? It’s like... £/$250-300 per hour!? And upwards from that! No wonder people don’t reach out for help, because as a student whose from a less financially stable family, I just can’t afford that. I’m not attacking the therapists/psychologists, but there’s something sinister about the pricing. I feel like all I ever hear in the media is “reach out for help”, yet when you reach, 100’s are being snatched out of the same hand. It’s just sad. This isn’t directly related to money, but I was reading an article about a girl who had been referred to the hospital from her school counsellor because she was conveying that she was in a very low place, and I’m assuming explaining a suicidal ideation. She went to the hospital and waited 8 HOURS. 8. After the 8 hours, she had a 15 minute conversation with a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with depression & anxiety and sent her on her way. She was given no further advice aside from her diagnosis, and was told by the psychiatrist that her and her father should look for therapies in their area. 1 week later, this poor girl took her own life. A week. I don’t think any of the people who were directly involved in the lead up to the girls suicide should be berated and ostracised, but the system that they work within should. If that isn’t a reflection of the state of mental health support, I don’t know what is. These sorts of occurrences need to stop, and there should be ways in which individuals can get ample support when they don’t have the finances to go privately. Being less economically advantaged means that individuals who are struggling have to receive below the bar support. It just saddens me. For those of you out there who don’t have the means to receive the support you need, know that you are seen and heard. You’re not alone.

I’m kind of freaking out because I absolutely hate with a passion what I’m going through. I do not enjoy it whatsoever. My mind keeps telling me that I do and I don’t. I don’t want to be one. Never have never will. I just keep wondering why me ya know? Why is this happening to me. I’d like to think I’m a good person. I want it to all go away... it makes me feel so unworthy and anxious all the time...

How do I do ERP for real event OCD that focuses on the fear of jail

Very detailed: TW Sexual, POCD, Real Event, scared, Guilt, insane shame I can't sleep. So I might as well write everything that I'm feeling. I was actually really calm the other night. Just as I was getting ready to sleep, I couldn't. Here I am with my mind spinning, my breathing barely in control, and the constant fear that I might be in jail or at the very least accused for some kind of crime one day. I don't know how much my OCD is catastrophizing, distorting, or twisting the thoughts I have on these events and intrusive thoughts All I can say is that ever since I developed sexual feelings and wanted to try and explore them, it's like I became a monster. I became sick. I became selfish and greedy. I feel like I became a Deviant and saw nothing wrong with it while being under so much pressure at the time When I was still in high school, sex was all I cared about and I showed it off. I sent several nudes to different girls in the past, I got nudes back, I did phone sex, and tried nonstop experimenting with a bunch of different people online. Thing is, I never saw anything wrong with these behaviors. The only strong feelings I got was the adrenaline rush when it came to receiving new levels of "communication" with peers that I interacted with. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I feel guilty about all of this now, but I do. These thoughts keep switching back and forth. They'll focus on my past porn addiction, the sexting I've done, the things I acted out from adult content, and how much of a high sex drive I had trying to grow into those times. All I constantly worry about right now is a time where I messaged a girl on instagram at one point. I don't remember how we met. I don't remember her age but at the time I was 17. Only vague intrusive images of the things we talked about, how we talked about those things, and pictures we had shared with each other. None of it was nudes however, which I'm glad it wasn't looking back. It did have to do with feet, which is a body part on the body I generally love, with or without sexual attractions to it. We shared those on occasion, and we seemed alright with it. I don't think she was bothered by it, but I honestly can never be sure anymore. I don't know what my intentions were. I don't know if I ever had a thing for her, I doubt it tbh. I don't even know what made us stop talking. But now I can't even find her after so much searching for some kind of answer. I feel mortified and deeply ashamed of these things. I feel guilt, regret, and shame for the sexual feelings I carry. If it isn't focusing on these events, it's focusing on sexual intrusive thoughts that I don't want. Right now, I would say I'm becoming the person I wish I was years and months ago. I wish I didn't get exposed to any porn. I wish I didn't get hooked on my sexual feelings. And I wish I didn't act on them. I know I was a teenager and all, but still, I just can't get this guilt off my shoulders. I really don't know what to do. I feel like out of the sexting, the flirting, all the porn watching, and basically anyone finding out, that I'd one day be in a lot of irreversible trouble. That one day I'll eventually be abandoned out of love. I'm really trying to get as far away as possible from these things. I don't want anything to do with sexual activities. I despise porn and I don't want to go back to it. I despise sexting, and these unwarranted thoughts and feelings pretty much. I do feel like I'm making progress with everything, and just as I can see that, I'm bombarded by these thoughts and these past events. Constantly reminded of them every single day, hoping that one day I can either find a solution to it all, or to wipe my memory from it all. I just want to say sorry to everyone. Anyone that I may have hurt, disturbed, or bothered out of annoyance pretty much. All I want to do now is help people to the best that I can, get away from my past, hopefully be able to sit with all of this, continue to support others, and myself. I hope everyone else is having a good day and a good week.