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Yesterday for erp I tried watching lesbian tiktoks and now I had the thought that maybe I actually liked the videos and honestly I just feel like crying I don’t know how to keep fighting this anymore. I think girls are often more attractive than guys, and I thought it was because girls do their makeup and their hair and get dressed while guys don’t really groom and now my brain is trying to tell me it’s because I actually do like girls. I hate the idea of being with a girl, hate the idea of making out with one and being with one for the rest of my life feels like a prison sentence that I’m just going to have to face. Why does this have to be so difficult? I wish I could let it go and just say “Who cares if I do?” but I care so much because I just don’t want that for me. I don’t want to come home to a woman. I gave into a compulsion and I looked up “ How do I know if I’m attracted to girls?” And one of the signs was that you’re touchy feely with girls and now my mind is trying to convince me I was too touchy feely with an old best friend but I was just comfortable around her. I hate the idea of kissing her or being intimate with her and I have no desire to get to know her romantically. The attraction to girls feels real now and I hate it I do, there’s no excitement just so much anxiety and hurt and I feel like crying. Girls are like fairies, but I still don’t want it for myself but that feels like a lie and it feels like I don’t want to be with a guy when I do. I love my boyfriend with everything I have, I just want to be with him and love him and enjoy intimacy with him but now I have to question if that’s real or just a cover for my lesbianism. I miss when I could say “She’s pretty” about girls at school or “Wow she’s hot” for celebrity females without wondering if it means I’m secretly in denial. I wish I could learn to accept it if I am bi or lesbian but it’s so hard because I just don’t want it for myself. I want to come home to my partners broad chest and warm arms, not a female who smells too sweet with a body too much like mine. I don’t want to wake up every day and see a girl next to me and I don’t want to be anywhere near a naked female body. I just feel like I’ve gone backwards in progress or like maybe I really am in denial and maybe my attraction is real. I used to admire girls and wanted to be like them , now it feels like that was all attraction. I’m sorry for this rant, I’ve been struggling so much and it feels like I’m going to lose everything I wanted.

TW God doesn't like me.....I haven't been able to sleep for 2 months because of something that happened......can't change it.....Its like God or the devil lined that day up for something bad to happen.....SMFH!!!! Some here would even judge me....I talked about it and somebody did judge me.....and they didn't even fully understand it...but its true... there does need to be judgement I assume.......God COMPLETELY lined that day up for me to have a severe intrusive thought in the heat of the moment.....

in what ways can i ben there for someone who vents a lot (ocd wise)? i started with empathetic responses and saying how i’m sorry they’re having to go through all this. but now it’s a daily thing (and has been for a few weeks) and i just don’t know what to do. i’m at the point where i’m always trying to figure out solutions and ‘fix’ it (which makes me feel guilty). this persons problems are now mine too and i don’t know how to explain to them that i’m not able to help. like i literally don’t know what to say. i’m not a therapist. and i can’t keep using the ‘this sounds very difficult’ phrase over and over again. but i also don’t want to set boundaries and tell them i can’t help them. that just feels mean. and i’m also scared because they’re really struggling and need support, and if i stop helping them, who knows what could happen. i’ve shared links and stories and posts and accounts with them. and i let them vent and explain. it’s just a bit exhausting. and in addition to all this, i feel so guilty and anxious for being ‘annoyed’ by it because that’s not what an empathetic person would feel :(((

this is the second therapist i’ve tried for nocd erp. the last one i left because she yelled at me when i got triggered after she said she thought that i was straight. now the same thing happened minus the yelling. my therapist now said that the way i phrased things made it sound like i am straight (and i don’t want to be this). i want to die honestly. the coincidence of this happening twice? it’s obvious that i’m straight and in denial. the fact that two licensed therapists even feel so. i should just go out and sleep with a man or something just to hurt myself. but whatever i’d probably enjoy it anyway since i’m lying to myself.

Not ocd related but lately I feel like one of my friends has been dragging me down. Whenever we text I feel like she dictates what we talk about and when we see each other in person all she does is talk about herself and her problems , but if I try bringing something about myself she’ll give a very short response or just ignore me. She’s been going through a lot and I understand so I hear her out and I try to give her advice when she asks for it, but lately it’s like she picks and chooses what to hear and if we’re not talking about her she won’t answer. Usually this doesn’t bother me and I’m okay with it but it’s been so much of it lately that I feel kind of fed up. She’s a good friend and I’m happy she can confide in me, but I also have myself going on and I wish she’d be more considerate of that. Any advice ?

I’m dealing with intrusive thoughts/images of me hurting my family. They’ve been like hell, and they bother me all the time, it’s like someone was telling me all the time “hurting your family”. I can’t shut it off, and the worse is that sometimes I can’t even tell if I want to do those thoughts or not. It feels like a constant burden in my head, it scares me, it’s like someone put horrible thoughts in my head. I can’t get rid of them, and I’m afraid they’re turning me into a bad person. I can’t even recognize myself.

March 22, 2021 My boyfriend broke down on me yesterday. He cried in front of the for the first time and I wish it could have woken something in me but it didn’t. All I did was comfort him and then feel like a horrible person. All he’s wanted was my intimacy. All he’s yearned for is my attention and I feel terrible for pushing him away to the point where he just doesn’t feel like he knows what to do anymore. I feel for him I really do but I don’t expect my OCD to just magically disappear on me. The irony is that I thought that if he did something along those lines, I’d instantly change. I’d be drawn back to my reality and magically all my thoughts would vanish into thin air. Yet, I still don’t know if he’s cheating on me the way my OCD says. I still don’t know if he’s talking to his ex, I still don’t know if there will be a forever like we tell ourselves we did. What I do know is that I asked he didn’t reassure me, I told him that I wanted to prove to one another that we love each other by doing just that: love. I told him how the past year I loved him out of fear and that every time he thinks there’s something wrong with me, I feel like he’s knocking on my former selfs door. It sucks but I realized through feeling like the worst person in the world that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to change me. This love would never change me. Getting ready for the “pain” I believed I was going to get through his cheating and then looking at his exes social media so “lessen” the pain isn’t going to stop it from hurting. By having things the way I always envisioned wasn’t going t stop me from looking into to reasons as to why I don’t deserve these things. I understand he needed to do some healing from things on his end but I need to pull my own weight. I don’t want to see him that frustrated, I don’t want to see him cry but I also can’t carry that on my shoulders as proof that I should change. I love him and want the best for him but change doesn’t come from feeling guilty. I’ve neglected him and have been so back and forth with my feelings; I’ve been just as unfair to him as I’ve been to myself. I draw the line here and I’m making my choice now: I love him and I’ll stay with him. I’m not going to expect this relationship to change me but I want change for myself so today I quit old habits. I ask that whatever I think I need I let go because what I have, who I have in front of me is enough. I’m comfortable not knowing what may or may not happen, I’m okay and know that I’ll heal from whatever I need to but I can’t force someone to grow with me. I’ll make those hard decisions when I need to and not kill myself by thinking I need to do everything now. I’m sorry beloved for holding you hostage to my black and white thinking that way and I’m sorry I let your past ruin some great moments. I don’t want to be your ex, I want to be me with you and although I don’t know what will happen (and I’m okay with that) in our future, I know now that I’ve let it ruin me too long. I understand it must be hard but change isn’t easy. Letting go isn’t easy but I don’t expect myself to forget and that’s okay. I look back with patients and love. The way I looked at you yesterday. The way I will always try to look at myself with. Life is chaotic and I really don’t like confrontations like these but this is all a part of growth. I’m glad I got this uncomfortable and fearful, it helps me realize that I can still do my best with these feelings hanging over my head. But I still choose to look up regardless of the weather.

I get no help from anyone

I have to gag myself with my toothbrush 8 times every morning before brushing my teeth or I feel like something bad will happen. Any one else do things like this?

OCD is ruining my life, if I was brave enough I would of ended it by now, this isn't me saying I'm going to end my life by the way I just needed to get it out there.

the worst thought i get is “i can see why people are attracted to men” when i see a picture of an attractive man. to me that just sounds like i’m a closeted person who doesn’t know herself . like that’s exactly what i would say to myself before i realized my attraction to women. does anyone relate to thinking something similar like i can see why people are attracted to a certain gender? also i love u all but if ur straight please don’t comment on this asking me to tell u if ur gay. i can’t do that. i often don’t post on here using male specific terms because i’m afraid of that happening.

something weird has been happening lately. my hocd has been changing. lately whenever i get hocd thoughts i’ll just think (without making myself) “yeah so what?” or something along those lines. for example, if i get a thought like “wow they’re hot.” i’ll be like omg what!! i don’t want to feel that way about them!! and my immediate thought after will be “ehhh, well... they’re hot and i want to have sex with them and i don’t even care because it’s obvious.” i just think stuff like that without even wanting to. and even after i’m like “there’s no denying i like them at this point.” and i don’t get anxiety. so i think this is real. pls don’t comment anything triggering thanks

My partner asked me today what do I want to do? He means do you think you can be in a relationship and get help? He told me if you’re not happy I don’t want you to force yourself to be with me. It broke my heart.... I just want my relationship back to normal... I told him I don’t wanna break up with him even now my head is screaming you’re a lier... 😞 it’s killing me badly... I know I can’t force love but I know I still love him a lot even though I can’t feel it right now.. but I know my love for him is in there. I felt it recently even if it was for a moment. I was happy and could say I know I love him. He is scared though... 😞 What if I am in this relationship for the wrong reasons... 😞 I am scared.... I’ve never felt like this before for my partner.... 😞 I don’t want my relationship to be a memory... 😢 this has to be ocd... just a few days ago I cried asking my friend if my partner is gonna break up with me... why would I care if I didn’t love him... 😞

I feel extremely deflated and hopeless. My entire life, up until covid, I have been happy, & a mentally healthy person. I’m currently 16, and turn 17 very soon. Ever since I was roughly 14 (and well before developing OCD) I’ve wanted to pursue a career in psychology. As I’ve grown and researched degrees and various careers in psychology, I’ve decided that (at this time) working up to a career in clinical psychology is what I really want to do. Recently, I’ve been doing extensive research into the pathway you have to take to become a clinical psychologist, hearing from people who are trainee clinical psychologists, etc, etc. I live in the UK, and here, you do 2 years of ‘A levels’ before you go to university. I currently study psychology, and I have excelled in the subject, actually surpassing everyone else in my faculty according to my teachers. This was a huge reinforcement for me to pursue this career at university. In the least boastful way, I’m pretty sure I’m a good student, and have achieved A* (A+ if you’re from elsewhere) so far in all of the subjects I take. Because of this, I felt even more empowered and confident in pursuing this career in clinical psych. As I said at the start, I have always been outgoing, happy & mentally healthy, a bit of a worrier - but that’s it. Then, covid hit and I developed health OCD that gradually forked into different themes that were considerably worse. So, now to the point of the post: I was watching a video of two trainee psychologists who were answering Q&A questions, and someone had asked whether they could pursue a career in psychology whilst having chronic and severe mental illness - my OCD can be bad at times, but is definitely not ‘severe’ in relation to the experiences of others and doesn’t intervene with my functioning, but is definitely a big issue for me - and it has been severe in the past. These trainee clinical psychologists had essentially said that ‘lived experience is a huge benefit’, BUT that ‘if it will intervene with the way you provide support for your patients that it is probably not the best option’ - this stunted me... what if this will be an issue for me? It’s important to remember that I’m only 16, and it takes many, many years to become a clinical psychologist and it’s absurd to assume that i’ll be in the same place I am now, then, all the way to then. But this trailed into me thinking that I’m not worthy and that I’ll never be in a place where I could support other people in a clinical setting. And then I started to think that the fact I’m doubting myself now is irrefutable evidence that I will never be okay enough to help people - which is my life goal. So, I feel very bad at the moment. Has anyone else had this secondary experience with OCD? I.e. feeling like you’re not good enough, etc. If you’ve read this far, thank you so much!

I have a question about an ERP exercise: It‘s a podcast about a coming-out story with a woman my age, to who I probably will relate and identify with a lot. This stresses me out so much and before even listening to it I know I want to get answers and I am expecting answers and relief to my sorrows. So how do I listen to it as an erp-exercise? How do I make listening to it not a compulsion?

Any Christians can you plz pray for me. I am absolutely distraught. This is tearing me apart. I have Scrupolosity and I am just absolutely broken down by it. I feel like I'm in the middle of a mental tornado. I feel hopeless, even tho we should be full of hope because of God. I can't seem to forgive my family for the past and I fear that God is so angry at me for not being able to forgive them. Bcos we should forgive. I talk to God about it all the time and I don't want to lie to Him and say I have forgiven them when inside in my heart I haven't. I am distraught. I don't know what I am doing wrong that things won't get better in my recovery 😢😢😢it must be my fault. Please please pray for me. 🙏🙏🙏

Hi I’m Ammiee and I don’t have a diagnosis of OCD but in December randomly started having thoughts of killing my son 😣 then recently it’s been I could stab my neighbours and I’m not feeling any anxiety with the thoughts anymore is that normal? Ones with my son I wouldn’t go around any sharp objects not even the bathroom because of razors etc now I can be led in bed and get the thoughts about my neighbours and get the urge to act the thoughts out but Iv never hurt anyone in my life intentionally HELP please

I am feeling like I am invisible, as if I doesnt matter to no one in this world. Never felt like that until yesterday. Its like I am always ignored even though I try my best to chat with people and be nice. I dont know what I am doing wrong. I felt for minutes that if I kill myself no one would noticed and this scared me. Months ago I would still ignore suicide thoughts because of my family and my belief, but now I feel like nothing really matters and looks I am waiting to do it. Sorry for this sad post, I needed to take this out off my chest a bit.

Hello my name is Caeleb and I came across your account on Instagram and I feel like you can be really helpful. I first came across what I believe to be OCD when I had my first serious relationship around a year ago. Everything seemed to be going great for around 6 months until the random thought of my not loving her came across my mind. Normally thoughts like this would usually just come and go (never to do with OCD or anything), this time it was different though. Instantly thoughts kept racing to me and my anxiety levels began to go crazy. Even though she was amazing looking at her made me feel sick to my stomach and full of guilt for feeling like this. I eventually told her I was feeling this way and she definitely didn’t take the idea of me potentially “not loving her anymore” well. At the time I had no idea it was OCD and whenever I was away from her I felt I needed to see her and just hold her to reassure myself. Eventually once she moved into college these feelings made me begin to abuse alcohol to cope and I ended up cheating on her and feeling immediate guilt and regret. I told her and that split things off for sure. It was rough and I missed her for months and couldn’t wrap my head around the fact she was no longer in my life. From that point on I continued abusing alcohol and marijuana at times to deal with that void that I lost. My college roommate and the rest of my friends hung out with females all the time and I hooked up with one girl right once I got to college. We continued to have sex around eight more times or so. Several other girls I also hooked up with but not as far as intercourse as well. I’m not exactly sure how the HOCD thoughts began but I remember having this one thought while i was in the shower and my roommate was on the one on the other side of me and I had the thought of him naked or being able to have sexual intercourse with him if I wanted to. This really freaked me out and I laid in bed for a whole two days straight afterwards and anything gay scared me. I felt like I was losing my identity that I’ve known my whole life. I was so hesitant of looking up how to know if your gay because I was so terrified it was going to point in that direction and I still struggle with having to know certainty. Eventually I came across HOCD and it gave me relief for a day or so. Then all the intrusive thoughts continued and I wasn’t able to depict what was real from what wasn’t. I spend a lot of my time searching the web constantly looking for reassurance and watching straight pornography to show I can still get it up if you know what I mean. This gives me closure for brief periods of time but in the end I still am deep in my thoughts. At times they will begin to get better and I’ll sort of feel relief only to worsen again. Last night was the worst experience of all that I’ve had. I went to a buddy of mines house along with my other friend and his girlfriend. I was planning on only drinking but I ended up indulging in marijuana as well which was very potent considering it was straight oil. My friend who’s house it was has always been a close friend of mine and I’ve never thought of him in a sexual way and couldn’t have seen myself ever thinking of him in a sexual way. For a male he is far below the average male with his poor grooming, very under the average height of a male and also in poor shape. At times he can seem very fruity and since he was very intoxicated this was for sure one of these times. Me sitting on his bed very under the influence of marijuana was a little anxious from the marijuana in general but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I always start off a little anxious and get better from there. My friend jumped onto the bed and put both his arms around me and was holding the phone up like he was going to take a selfie with me even though he was actually secreting taking a picture of my other friend. The whole mannerism of it all seemed rather gay and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and my anxiety began to rise. While this was happening I questioned to myself I maybe I potentially liked it and maybe I was just in denial all along. My heart started racing faster than it ever has and I went into a complete panic attack. I was unable to think properly, remember my last train of thought, or realize what was reality and what wasn’t. All these gay thoughts about him began coming to my mind and they wouldn’t stop no matter how much I tried. Eventually my other two friends left so then it was just me and my other friend who had triggered these feelings. All these thoughts continued to persist with me asking myself whether or not I liked it, I felt sick to my stomach and began feeling nauseous. I felt uncomfortable being around him and had to leave unexpectedly. I had to just be by myself and sit in my car and try not to continue freaking out since it felt like i was going to have a heart attack. I sat in my car for like 15 minutes since I felt I was in no condition to drive and then continued to drive home still freaking out and paranoid about cops following me. I ended up laying in my bed freaking out about this whole thing and even felt tingling sensation throughout my whole body including my genitalia area along with my butt. I kept checking to see if I was forming an erection which I wasn’t, it was just tingling. I can’t get the idea out of my head that something about that moment had a significant feeling to me even though I’m almost positive that I don’t think it did. I spent all of today since 8 am up until 8 pm looking for reassurance, looking at coming out stories, gay people and their experiences, symptoms of denial, and constantly going back and forth between whether or not this may be in denial or HOCD. That experience is almost like a trauma to me and it’s hard to not think about it without my whole body beginning to go numb and my thoughts racing along with this massive headache I’ve had all day. I checked gay pornography several times throughout the day to see if it would have a reaction on me and it did absolutely nothing other than produce anxiety. All of this has been putting way more stress on myself than I can handle and making me socially isolate myself which I have been doing for months now and it sucks because I miss the connections I’ve had with my friends and family but they wouldn’t understand and even if they did it still feels very shameful because I could never even have ever pictured myself as a homosexual. I constantly reminisce about that one ex girlfriend I had an the amazing times we’ve had together with the hope that one day I can go back to being that person I once was. Someone who was a very popular kid in school who cared deeply about females and sexual behavior with only them. I want to start going to CBT therapy although it is very expensive, and I’m sure my insurance may cover it although it may not. The thing about the insurance part of it is that means i have to inform my grandparents about my mental health and the last thing they need right now is to worry about me and my problems. I’m willing to do anything it takes to feel the way I once did before I felt like I was going insane in my mind and sometimes even felt disassociated. I was hoping you might have some advice for me about that and your experiences with it along with if you think this may be a situation of denial or OCD. It seems too hard to distinguish the two at times.

Do some of you sometimes think of ending your life due to ocd?