Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I need someone to tell that I'm not a monster. A couple of weeks ago or days in the morning, I was having intrusive images with the company of grional reactions. I knew that if I change the image to another one that I like I would visualize other intrusive image, but then I tell to myself that this can be exposure, and ect, but I knew that I would thing that as an excuse to fantasize about the thought, but I did it anyways, and I visualize a scene that I like, and even simulate fucking this image, but then I visualize an intrusive image, and stopped what I was doing and I went to the bathroom, and the the grional reaction felt to strong, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but I knew i would change the image, and I question to myself why I didn't stopped more fast. After that I don't remember what happened, but days after that, I started to felt guilty about what happened, and can't stop repeating the scene of me fucking the intrusive image. Now I feel like I did it to have an excuse to act on my thoughts, and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't feel like it wasn't on purpose because I knew what was going to happened. I tell to myself why I did that if i knew what was going to happened. I feel horrible. O don't know how to continue living after I did that. I need.to live for my family, but i can't stop having this images and grional reactons, I don't want to be a pedo, but I feel like one.

i don’t know what it is but i seem to always find flaws in guys i like. i just always get turned off them and it’s so annoying. it’s kinda like ‘the ick’ but also a lot of second hand embarrassment and stuff. it’s hard to explain. i did some research and apparently this means there’s something within me that’s stopping me from relationships. which makes sense. but i don’t know what in particular is stopping me (is it fear of commitment, or vulnerability etc??), and i’m scared i’ll never get over it. i have a disorganised attachment style which is a mix or anxious and avoidant. i think it makes a lot of sense for me! when i’m starting out, i’m quite avoidant (or if i don’t like them / get put off them). but when they’re distant and hard to read, i go head over heels. and then i worry they don’t like me. i’ve realised i don’t like clingy guys. or clinginess in general. it makes me feel really bad for being this way though :( anyways, i don’t know what’s wrong with me and why i always find flaws in guys. i’m not perfect (obviously) so i know it’s unfair for me to be this judgy. i just don’t know how to stop it.

So i haven't been on this app for a bit, but long story short after a bad episode dealing with psych effects from wellbutrin i've had this new theme where i'm lowkey just obsessed with the thought of suicide, i don't want to die.. but after that experience it like traumatized me... anyway, i hadn't left the house in months for more than like your baci grocery shopping trip or anything like that, i live with my mom also and my aunt needed someone to watch her dog from thursday - tuesday, initially my friend was just going to watch her but i wanted to try and challenge myself by going and sort of yknow feel good, try and help my brain but, and my OCD was pretty calm and then all of a sudden last night before bed my thoughts started racing and i managed to fall asleep and i had about maybe 5 minutes after i woke up until the thoughts came back and it's only 5:50 am and i told my mom i wanted to come home but now i'm feeling more calm and idk i feel weak, i'm trying not to let this bring me down... i'm also upset because my dog is usually with me and he's such a huge comfort and i'm not in my bed, i'm using my aunts old bed in her den and it's super hard and uncomfortable, and i miss my mom and my cat... i kinda regret already texting her but i also just want to go home... idk what to do... this sounds so dumb but here i have nothing to comfort, nothing feels like MY OWN so it feels harder to calm down once i've begun, i've also been having major health anxiety (ironic) about my heart and i'm afraid to eat anything incase of a heart attack and, i guess it's easier to control at home because i know where i am, at my aunts house i'm not familiar with this area, idk theres just so much!!! I need advice, what should I do? :(

I’m gonna post this again in hopes that someone reads it and helps me out because it’s been days and I’ve completely shut everything down. I’ve started to find comfort in just isolating myself and causing harm to myself and I want to get out of it. If you see this please help. So back when i was like 11 or 12 and my sister was 7 or 8 i remember us playing together and i used to just like trace my finger on her arm but it was weird to me now that I think if it because I would try to sound like a man? A drunk man? And then do that and the memory is fuzzy but I feel like she would run from it and I would joke about it to make it seem like it wasn’t anything. I think I saw it on tv somewhere I have no idea why I did what I did. This only happened once and I asked her about it two years ago and she wasn’t sure what I was talking about. When the thought started haunting me again got bad again this time around I asked her again and she said that she doesn’t even remember what I’m talking about and can’t recall anything like that and says that it’s my mind making things up. But I know it isn’t because I remember doing this. It’s been almost 7 years since then and it feels like I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did. 8 don’t even know why I did it. I feel like an abuser and everything along those lines and I just want to die. And there was a time when i was like 9 and my cousin was 6 and we used to play pretend and stuff but for some reason id ask him to look sleepy idek why like its jsut so messed up. But the memory came back now when i was going out of my mind and convinced that its just who i am and that i cant escape myself.

Mornings are literally the worst. Numbing of feelings is also the worst. Urges to break up are terrible.

I’m posting this to vent and maybe find some friends who can relate. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with OCD yet because I’m scared of telling my parents but I just can’t take it anymore. My OCD started developing around my junior year of high school I think as an extension of my anxiety and now i’m a freshman in college. It started off as just simply knocking on wood every time I would get an intrusive thought or just needing to hold my “special rock” while taking tests or else I would fail. It’s now so debilitating. I have intrusive thoughts practically 24/7 and can only escape them in my sleep, unless I have dreams about them, which leads to me constantly sleeping. I have a full 30 minute routine I have to complete before I can go to bed at night. I have to knock on everything in 4’s. I recently decided that 3 is an evil number. Odd numbers mean no and even numbers mean yes. 9 is an exemption tho and every time I serve myself some ice in a cup, it has to be 9 once cubes just for example. But I have way more compulsions and I just keep developing new ones. I think horrible things constantly. I’ve dealt with depression in the past so the thought that bad things are going to happen to me if I don’t engage in my compulsions doesn’t affect me as much as thinking about it happening to other people, which is so much worse. I want these thoughts and these compulsions to go away so badly. I miss life before it. I want to be free from this. I just don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t entertain my thoughts by doing my rituals but I feel so much better when I do. Except it only lasts for awhile and then I’m back to doing the same thing. I’m so exhausted. I know these thoughts aren’t me but they just don’t seem to go away unless I am super distracted or preoccupied with something. I just want to think normally.

I keep getting intrusive feelings before the thoughts kick in... I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in denial... I say I want a girlfriend out loud but it’s making me feel like I’m lying to myself because I’m not feeling anything when looking at women on tv...

Anyone housebound ? It’s so hard to leave my house

anyone on here worry they have histrionic personality disorder and have made this all up? ive had thoughts before that like this isnt real and that i want to have pocd or sexual orientation ocd and all these other themes as ocd to obsolve me of guilt from my bad thoughts or to help me stay in the closet and i cant accept what i am but ive never known this type of thing existed and now im like fuck what if im histrionic but i mean ive worried about being bpd before ive worried about being a narcissist before so im like maybe this is just a new thing my ocd is latching onto i mean i havent told anyone but my mom and sister and one friend about my ocd so the idea that im doing this for attention doesnt feel right because if anyone found out about my themes that would not be good and it seems the whole motivation with histrionic is attention but like i honestly dont go around telling everyone i know oh shit well i did tell my landlord because i kind of had a breakdown in front of her or had a weekend of panic attacks and breakdowns and then tried to meet with her a few days later after not seeing people for a while and everything came blubbering out of me she is someone im semi close with but also ive never cried in front of her but i still never said my themes i just said i have some ocd and anxiety problems and bla bla bla and yeah im just like now going through my life and thinking back to was that for attention? i just dont want to be histrionic like it sounds so embarassing to be this way and like a really hard life its weird how you dont want ocd but you also want these thoughts so badly to be ocd but you also cant get reassurance anyway i just purely wanted to vent i mean i really actually want reassurance but dont give it to me because yeah im not supposed to get that i also even feel bad for sharing this post like i didnt need to post this but im going to anyway

Did anyone else not have OCD before the pandemic? I had gone through phases of health anxiety, but never to an OCD extent. And then the pandemic hit and it was only a few months before I became completely consumed with severe OCD about various different things. Life’s weird... I’ve felt a little off, because I know that people are supposed to struggle with OCD their whole life, but that just wasn’t the case for me... it came on when I was 15, & I’m now 16!

Does anyone ever struggle with the similarities between SO-OCD and denial/ coming out stories. I’ve been reading a lot of stories as exposures. They make it way more confusing for me. Especially when groinal and arousal come into play. The exposures make me think this is all real and it’s not OCD at all? The anxiety eventually subsided but I’m still left with the sinking feeling that there are Parallels between me and people who are gay or bi and then that terrifies me. When I read those posts and think omg is this me? Then I’m anxious again

i keep getting thoughts like “i like this person” and then i accept it as true without even trying to accept it as true. then maybe two minutes later i realize what has happened... these thoughts are indicative of real feelings. someone doing the live-stream tonight even said that if u get anxious that’s how u know it’s ocd

Hi there! I really struggle with sexual orientation OCD and ROCD and am also bisexual. I’m placing a trigger warning because this could be triggering for some people I am brand new, just had my first real session today. We went over figuring out exposures and what not, and it’s been a really hard day because my OCD is super spiked right now. Over the last few years, I realized that I do have same-sex attraction, which has made my OCD so much worse. I constantly obsess about my motivations, and if I’m only with my husband because I’ve been taught that as a woman, I’m supposed to be attracted to men. However, I saw a bisexual TikTok creator say that she experiences the same thoughts. She goes back-and-forth between “ am I attracted to men because I’ve been told and taught to seek the approval and desire of men, or am I attracted to women because they’ve been over sexualized and I have been conditioned to see them as sexual objects?” This has really helped neutralize the compulsion of seeking motivation. Technology in that culture influences me, and that I’ll probably never know why I’m attracted to men or women at any given time if there are any bisexual folks out there that suffer with sexual orientation and OCD. I’m here with you, and this is really scary stuff. I’m really scared to do exposures, and I don’t know if I can do it. If anyone is able to offer some encouragement that would be super helpful. Sending you all love. Manni ❤️

i’m scared again that i’m attracted to my own body. when i watch porn, i tend to watch things with quite sexualised women (tmi maybe) and i guess i *sort of* have similar bodies to them in terms of boobs and stuff. i don’t mean that in a vain way... i don’t even like my body. but just factually, i have big boobs. and big boobs turn me on. so does my own body turn me on?? as much as i question my sexuality obsessively, enough research and reassurance has taught me that being turned on by big boobs doesn’t necessarily make me bi or gay. big boobs are a sexual stimuli! so the fear of being turned on by my own body comes down to the fear of being a narcissist / egomaniac. like it’d be so self-absorbed to be turned on by my own body. but i keep trying to rationalise it and remind myself that if i have the body parts that are considered sexual, then i am a sort of sexual stimuli. for myself even? argh i’m not even sure how to explain it but yeah. i’ve never like looked in the mirror and gotten turned on or thought of myself like that. it’s just i could imagine it i guess. but maybe not.

I have been researching medication for OCD, and am getting lots of different perspectives. I would love to know if any of you have been helped by any kind of anti-depressant medication. Many videos I watch indicate that meds only relive 15% of OCD obsessions etc. Just looking for your personal experiences, and not medical advice/instruction. Thanks so much everybody

I have literally been doing compulsions all day. I am beyond sad, I have cried countless times. I literally feel gay and that I have to go off and be happy with a women to get over this. I’m so sad and want to die. I refuse to think that my life is going to be this constant sadness.

Really struggling today... I have always identified as liking men. But yesterday, I not only successfully masturbated to a female, but it was a female I truly dislike. It makes me feel like I’m lying to myself and I dislike her because I want to be with her so badly but I’m ashamed? I don’t understand if that isn’t true why I orgasmed while fantasizing about her, and orgasmed quicker than what is normal for me. On another note, I stopped taking Effexor a couple weeks ago and my HOCD has started to come back. That ALSO makes me feel like I have these deep down desires that I can no longer just brush off because I’m not taking meds. HOW ELSE COULD I ORGASM TO THE THOUGHT OF A WOMAN IF I DONT LIKE WOMEN?

I’m so scared of being a lesbian that it’s truthfully paralyzing. I was doing an exposure where a women said that she had crushes on her friends and always took care of them. This reminded me of my best friend in high school. I never thought I had a crush on her but looking back we were very very close. To the point that when she went through a break up I consoled her and cuddled with her like a boyfriend. This thought has sent me spiraling. I feel like I know I’m a lesbian now. And that makes me so incredibly depressed that I loose all motivation to continue on in my life. I feel like I have to leave my boyfriend whom I love more than anything and go be happy with a woman. I’m scared that I will be happy, and therefore I would’ve been right all along. It’s so difficult to ignore what feels so much like the truth. I like I’m starting to accept it and that gives even more overwhelming anxiety. I never want to stop loving my boyfriend.

Hey, just looking for some none-OCD advice, as at the moment I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m gonna try and keep it short, so I don’t bore you! So, I’m from England, and I’m 16. At 16 in the UK, you go from high school to 6th form, where you spend two years doing something called your ‘A levels’, and then you go to university at 18, like all countries. I’ve been in college for 8 months now, but I’d say 65-70% of my time has been spent online - so I’ve only had a relatively small amount of time to make true friends. I had solid friends throughout high school, and I say I tilt quite a lot towards being an extravert. Ever since coming to 6th form, a lot of the people who I was friends with, went to a different school, and some of the people who were acquaintances I barely see now, because the school is so large. Basically, since coming to college I only have 2 true friends, and one of those has basically separated herself from me (she’s a bit of a bitch, but that’s another story - we’ve basically been best friends since we were 4 but she routinely ditches me) I’ve found that no one ever messages me anymore. I’ve got plans to go to the city with me and 3 other girls next Sunday - but I organised it. They were all excited, but I’ve only been invited out once by one of my other friends. I just feel like no one likes me, and that I’m repulsive to people - I know it’s irrational, but the fear that I’m just unlikeable terrifies me, as I want nothing more than a big group of friends and that’s not what I have at the minute. I’m desperate for someone to be like “hey, Ellie do you wanna come and sit with us”, but they don’t. And I’m usually just sat with one of my close friends, who I love. She’s popular, and people like her more than me but she’s self-admittedly introverted and I’m not. Ugh, this is long now. But does anyone have any advice? I’ve made a lot of acquaintances, but they all have their own friendship groups from high school - but I don’t because a lot of my friends went to a different school. I’m miserable because of this at the moment, and I feel worthless.

Woke up this morning in a panic after having a dream involving gay people