Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I just saw Colton Underwood from the Bachelor’s coming out story and I am now in a complete downward spiral about him not knowing, trying to figure out who he is and hating himself and maybe that’s me. Anyone else??

Advice for how to know a thought is OCD or not? This is going to sound super stupid but I just closed my blinds & I had the thought, "Oh what if there's a dead body outside, you should look down at the ground before shutting the blinds & make sure there isn't" because my apartment looks out to a wooded area that's honestly a little creepy 😅. & I figured that's sort of a silly thought. But now I'm worried becuz even though it's not plausible for anything wrong to be outside I still feel weird. Like every time I do or look at something just wanting to "double check" that I'm not missing something important. Does this happen to anyone else or is this not OCD at all? I overthink & second guess every single thing in my life. I just never trust myself, even with small things, it's very frustrating. Every decision is an argument in my brain. Now I'm stressing over whether to look out my window only after seeing the ground & then shut the blinds. But I also don't want to in case it's my OCD & a compulsion. Sorry if this sounds dumb.

Has anyone has a bad experience with a therapist/psychiatrist? How did you recover from it?

Hi, there! I’m going through an IOP program for my sexual orientation OCD, and I feel like I’m failing miserably. My anxiety and sexual arousal are almost indistinguishable, right now. When I first started obsessing over my sexuality I checked, and checked, and checked to see how I felt when looking at the women I’ve always followed on my Instagram. Now I’m at the point where I feel some kind of arousal response to any woman I look at. It’s almost immediate, and it absolutely terrifies me. It makes me feel very sick because I’ve never felt that way about women. I go a million rounds in my head trying to deduce if it’s real arousal or stress or whatever. Then my brain ruminates over whether or not I actually hate these feelings or if I secretly enjoy them. It makes my heart hurt to think I have to break up with my boyfriend because I’m a fraud. He’s the kind of guy I dreamed about being with most of my life. And I haven’t spent time with my female friends in so long. I’ve never felt more not like myself. I feel deeply alone and afraid that the IOP will do nothing for me in the end. Am I alone?

Today is a terrible day , I can’t get out of bed I’m a failure and exhausted and I don’t know if I’m capable of getting better anymore .

Feeling suicidal bc of how I look. I’ve heard so many things people try to say to make me feel better but it sounds stupid to me. I look the way I look. That’s it. And there are people with fit bodies and beautiful faces that I’ll never look like. And it may sound ridiculous, but I don’t even want to exist anymore. No one I’ve been trying to tell is taking me serious. I’m just trying to figure out a way to kill myself bc it’s been really hard trying to figure out a plan that will 100% go through.

Right now I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts, or like I’m capable of acting on them, or like if I liked my thoughts. But I don’t want to! Then why does it feel like I did or like I wanted them?? It’s really f*cked up bc it is confusing me and my intentions. And now I can’t no longer know the answer to that!! It’s really frustrating and distressing, sometimes I can be sure about the answer but sometimes I just can not and it’s the worst. I legit feel like I’m going to act on them, why do I feel like that?!! I feel like I’m turning into a psychopath!!😫

freaking out a bit. i just read about how narcissists really really idealise partners and then a few weeks in they see that person’s flaws and get turned off. and i literally do that. i don’t know why but i just get easily turned off guys because i fall for the idea of them. also, i’ve realised i don’t feel that close with my friends and maybe i don’t even love them. i know i love my family, so i don’t think i’m a narcissist. but why don’t i love my friends?? and i read narcissists always blame the other person (‘oh i just haven’t found my people yet!’ ‘oh, he’s just not the one for me’) and i guess i do that too. i try to be hopeful that the right people will come along. these two things have been making me so anxious though. it feels like proper proof that i can’t ignore!!!!

I just been given Sertraline to try and the medication leaflet is terrifying! 😱 it’s enormous and has some pretty scary side affects and now I’m really worried about starting it 😬 what have other people’s experience with it been? Positives or negatives please

I just read this post about Colin Underwood the ex Bachelor star & ex NFL player coming out as gay, and in the article it said “he lived with this uncertainty about his sexuality for a while before coming to terms with his sexuality.” Lol this rly triggered me, as the whole point in our recovery is living with uncertainty. I don’t want to live w uncertainty to one day find out I’m truly lesbian and have been lying to everyone & myself :/ :( I guess he probably did not have OCD, and in the article it said he knew “something was different” by the age of 6. I guess I’m just overthinking but 😭 it sent my anxiety through the roof

I guess I am curious how others have moved past the guilt that intrusive thoughts may have caused them? I am getting to the point where my most distressing thought is not eliciting a visceral and anxious response. This has decreased the prevalence of the thought. However, I find myself beating myself up for ever even having the thought. When I do this, obviously the thought returns more frequently. I also suffer from anhedonia, so I don’t know if this is my minds way of torturing me I.e. I can’t feel anything positive so why not make it so I feel the worst way possible so I at least feel something. I appreciate any insight you can provide.

Not looking for reassurance but tips on how to get over this thought or get past this? Got triggered awhile ago while masturbating to my boyfriend's nudes/videos, when suddenly his younger nephew (a minor) popped in my head and made me spiral and led me to think I like his younger nephew like that which I know is NOT true at all but OCD is making me think what if I really do? It's disgusting because I'm not a pedo nor am I attracted to younger boys. I can acknowledge if a person is attractive or had potential young or not but it doesn't mean I want to date every one of them. It's like saying a family member or a baby is cute. But it's making me feel weird that he popped in my head. Sometimes when I masturbate and I'm really about to reach an orgasm or just feeling it, random inappropriate thoughts pop in my head like situations or people even if I don't want them to but it's lile my brain makes me think of them. I really don't want to tell anyone especially when there's a risk people won't understand but I also kind of have a confession compulsion because I'm scared that having these thoughts will make my boyfriend not want me anymore even if I don't mean to have them or they aren't true. Also I don't have to find it weird or awkward every time I talk to his nephew now. I'm fond of the kid in the way I'm fond of my younger cousins his age, like I'm like an older sister to them and I vibe with them. But having this obsessive thought/fear makes me feel like I'm hiding something big from my boyfriend and I should be transparent with him at all times but I also don't wanna have to tell him or anyone this because it'll scare them off. I had similar obsessions and ocd related thoughts to pedophilia and incest and have gotten over them. It crosses my mind from time to time but it didn't have the same anxiety effect as before. Is this something I can get over without breaking down and admitting everything to my boyfriend or breaking up with him for?

i’ve been feeling so anxious lately. i think my rocd is back but this time it’s worse because since my boyfriend cheated, it’s given my ocd an excuse to be like “see he’s a horrible boyfriend u need to leave him” and it’s just been eating me up alive. i don’t want to leave him, i know i made the right decision by staying. i can’t imagine my life without him and i never want to share this love with anyone else. but my ocd keeps telling me i can’t let things go back to normal bc he cheated. me and him are also moving in together in a couple months so, everytime i get excited about that and try to picture our lives together, it’s like my ocd literally puts a mind block on me and i can’t enjoy even day dreaming about him like i used to. i was fine like a week ago, but the absence of feelings towards him is scaring me so badly. this isn’t the first time it’s happened, this is pretty standard for me. the only thing that’s different is that he cheated and again, my ocd is having a wonderful time using that as a reason for me not to love him. bc ive had rocd for so long, my physical anxiety is so low and so im always falling for the back door spike. i keep thinking me not being anxious is a sign that i don’t love him. so i keep trying to make my self anxious. i can’t even let my self cry bc i’m scared it’s gonna lead me to want to break up with him. everytime he sends me a sweet text, the only thing i feel is anxious bc my ocd keeps wanting me to “feel love” towards him but all i feel is anxious. i’m so so miserable and i keep checking to see if this is even ocd. i think it is because it’s so distressing to me but i’m also doing compulsions like checking my feelings, replaying all the time in my head where i did feel love towards him to reassure my self, avoiding crying bc im afraid it’s gonna make me want to leave him, trying to induce anxiety so i know this is egodystonic, repeating to my self over and over that if others can get over their partner cheating then i can too, trying to calm my self down by reminding my self that i’ve done some stupid stuff too, trying to feel love towards him when we’re on the phone, etc. and even though i can list all of these compulsions, my ocd still thinks it’s not enough and that’s it’s not ocd. i don’t know what to do i’m literally so miserable i feel so anxious all the time. and usually, for some reason i’ll reassure my self in the evening and i’ll be good for the rest of the night but today that didn’t happen and now i’m freaking out about that too. i don’t want to leave my boyfriend i love him so damn much (typing this out rn, my ocd is telling me i’m lying) and i want to heal past this thing that happened between us bc others have so why can’t i? but my ocd is making this so hard. i’m hoping it’s just because my period is about to come and my ocd usually spikes really bad when that happens because like i said, i was completely and utterly fine a couple days ago. i’m so so scared

I feel I've become numb to everything. My anxiety fluctuates but the thoughts, the ERP, the loss of attraction. I feel very numb. Why do I have to go through this fucking shit? I just wanna get back to chasing women and chilling out. I do neither because of this bullshit. That's what it all is. Its bullshit. Fuck OCD, Pure O, HOCD, ROCD, SO-OCD!!! Fuck this bullshit!!!

Has anyone taken Zoloft and had it not work or make things worse? I also suffer from anxiety and depression before getting diagnosed with OCD. I am currently on 50mg and feel terrible almost 30 days on it with no good change but it feels like it's making everything worse?! Going to switch I can't do it anymore and the nonstop sweating!

Annoyed, numb and extremely depressed.

If I live with uncertainty will the true answer reveal itself in the end?

If i sit a certain way-Am I gay If I stand a certain way-Am I gay If I lay a certain way-Am I gay If I dress a certain way-Am I gay Note: In not asking for reassurance nor am I asking if im gay. Just stating the things I go through every day.

I’m in scary spot right now I made an appointment for a physciatriat because my therapist said itd be best Idk what to do anymore I don’t wanna go to work anymore no reassurance is working anymore I feel hopeless like there’s no way out I know I’m not what pocd says and what hocd says but I just feel trapped and like stuck in this muddy hole I feel like the only way out is death and that scares me so bad I keep imagining someone finding me dead and that scared me even more I’m afraid of all that suicide stuff I just wanna know if anyone out there can relate I’m so depressed and feel hopeless

is anyone in the same position as me?? I’ve 100% felt sexual attraction to both men and women but there’s just a part of me that’s so convinced I’m gay even though I’ve felt attracted to men so many times. I always hear people talk about being exclusively straight or gay with HOCD, but does anyone else exist on the bi spectrum who also has HOCD?