Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’ve had such a rough day today. If you have the time, please read and maybe give some insight. I could really use it 🤍 So yesterday I got my first shot of the vaccine. Ever since I woke up today, I’ve been in so much pain because it felt like every bone in my body was aching and brittle. That already set me up to not have the best day. Then, I had to go to a large gathering with my boyfriend and his friends, which is always something that triggers me because I struggle with severe social anxiety. This gathering was outdoors, and as I was walking around the yard with my boyfriend, I noticed a very small baby bird laying on the ground, with no nest or mama bird to be found. I immediately got out my phone to look up what to do, but everyone that came around to look at it said we should just leave it alone and “let nature do its thing”. This bothered me so much because I’ve always cared so deeply for animals. I struggle with what I call “hit and run OCD” and am always constantly checking my rear view mirror when I drive to make sure I didn’t run over / hit a person or an animal. I won’t even kill bugs because I feel so horrible about it. Even though everyone kinda brushed me off, I continued to read about what I could do. I found out the best option would be to pick it up, place it in a container with some sort of warmth, and call a wildlife rehabilitation center when I could. It sounded like the perfect plan to me, and one that would be easily attainable. However, when I mentioned it to my boyfriend, he said “I don’t know, I just don’t think we can.” At this point, I had been shot down so many times that I just gave up; I started to feel like I was crazy for wanting to save the bird. Fast forward, my boyfriend and I went back to his house and I immediately started sobbing about this baby bird. I felt like such a horrible person for not saving it, and I was extremely frustrated with my boyfriend and the others for not caring or wanting to help me. I told my boyfriend I was upset with him, and I could tell he truly felt bad and felt as though he had made the wrong decision. However, this didn’t make me feel better. I also struggle with ROCD, so my mind immediately started going a million miles a minute. I had so many thoughts of “I shouldn’t be with him” “Why would I want to be with someone who wouldn’t help me save an animal” “I should break up with him now because of this” “I’ll never be able to forget this happened and it will always bother me” etc. I just feel so awful in so many way right now and don’t know what to think. I know I love my boyfriend so much and want to be with him forever, but I also know I struggle so greatly with letting even the smallest of things go. I just don’t want this to be something that sticks out in my mind forever.

Does anyone else who has had ocd for quite a while doubt what their ocd used to be like? So ive had the same obsession for over 4 years and it got a lot worse the last year and a half but i feel like im faking having it before i found out about ocd and now im using it as an excuse to stay in denial.. and i feel like i cant remember what it actually used to be like and cant tell if im making things up or not. Its so confusing 😭 i know i should accept the uncertainty but i hate it and keep ruminating anyway and then feel guilty..

I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.

*nsfw* I’m so scared I don’t truly enjoy intimacy with my partner. For me, I’ve always struggled with intimacy with my boyfriend even before these soocd/rocd thoughts. To give context, as a kid I was into some weird stuff. I liked bdsm and I’d read erotica about those fantasies. A lot of the times I’d look at the girl because I was familiar with the female body and seeing a real life male body part was pretty scary for my 9 year old self. Even in this time, I still wasn’t much into lesbian stuff. I came across it once or twice but it never caught my interest as much as straight porn or a girl going solo in bondage. The reason I liked the solo was because although I liked bdsm , the roughness of slapping and biting and pinching still kind of freaked me out. I wanted to be tied up and watching it was good. Whenever I fantasized about these things, I was always an observer or in the place of the girl. I’ve never fantasized about myself with a girl. Unfortunately, being exposed to this so young gave me the idea that women were supposed to be the sole focus of pleasure during intimacy. I also feel like I’m doing something wrong every time due to my grandma drilling into my head that intimacy before marriage is wrong. I also am terrified of ending up like my mom and having too many kids way too young. When my boyfriend and I first started doing things he was the first person I had every truly explored with. Our first kiss was amazing and I loved his gentleness. I loved his touch and it felt like a brand new side of myself. However, we never have had the proper place. We were silly teens and always went to the park at night since it was empty or other improper settings. This actually made me feel very vulnerable and unable to focus completely because the entire time I was worried someone was going to catch us. On top of that it was still so new to me and when it came to me reciprocating anything besides kissing. I wanted to but I was very afraid of messing up or not doing good. I still am. The male body is still just so unknown to me and although I want to explore a small part of me still wants to the run for hills with how scary and new it all is. I also get self conscious of my body and how I look or compare myself to his past partners. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to touch him, the pull just doesn’t come naturally to me and the stuff I used to read and watch was always focused on the girl receiving pleasure so I don’t know what it’s like to reciprocate. The first time I saw him fully naked during a phone call I was surprised by how nice his body was, but I don’t remember being turned on and when he’d send me videos it was still a bit awkward. I’ve also never orgasmed in my life before not even with myself , I get to a certain point where I just feel too overwhelmed and I stop before I reach the hill. However, all my fantasizes revolve around him, I can’t even watch porn anymore because I just start to think how much better itd be to fantasize with him. I truly love the idea of us being so close. But in person something always stops me, I’m just so hesitant/nervous and when my anxiety is high I can’t shut off my thoughts and outsides fears. When I rarely manage to truly truly let go I feel good about us and I truly want him like that. I’m just scared that everything else means the pull isn’t there and that I’m truly meant to be with a woman and that I’ll never get over my fear of being so intimate with a man.

I am so scared at the moment as I can see myself engaging kissing a man, engaging in gay sex and I have been with a girl for over 10 years. Infer no dislike from the thoughts and feel I have just been in denial but my therapist says this is just OCd and j am not gay. Every person I see I imagine kissing them then start kissing my pillow and walls. I am so confused can someone with SOCD realise they are Gay as I was told for years that it’s just ocd and j am not Gay. But every thought doesn’t cause me any dislike or disgust and I feel I should have some level of that. I don’t know what to think or do anymore I have been told not to go out and try it by my previous therapist but h feel I really am gay these days and just thought when I was diagnosed with severe ocd it meant I wasn’t . Can this be denial and shame. So scared as don’t want to be Gay but don’t know what it means anymore. I feel convinced I am and have lost all attraction to women. Did I lie to my partner

So after taking a shower in the middle of the night I kind of came to a thought after realizing how much I've been ruminating and how much I've been blaming myself for the past for so long. After wondering how these things have happened and how much I try to Ruminate over these things. My mind goes back to 8 years to the mistakes I've made now. Ever since I was 11. It always focuses on the failures I've made based on my hormones or my sexual growth. I feel like I'm repressed in my sexual health and I don't always know how to express myself in that regard, so for the most part, I choose not to. I focus on either the times I tried to express myself sexually online, with others, and in person. There may have been good times, but I only seem to focus on the bad ones. When I'm not focused on that, I focus on the times I was addicted to pornography. I wouldn't say that I am anymore because I'm about to be a month free from it all. I don't watch it at all and I barely masturbate. There's little satisfaction to be had with both. Constantly replaying events, ruminating on what they mean, wondering if they prove that I am what I fear overall: A criminal, a bad person, a monster, a pedo, a threat. As of right now, I'm taking one day at a time to better myself. Im staying away from all adult content, I don't try to leave myself in any situation where I feel I may fall back into the trap, I try my best to help people on here, in my personal life, and myself, and I overall try not to let the past define me or anyone else that's trying to get better for themselves. Is this enough? Am I making excuses? What if nothing is enough despite the efforts? I feel trapped in a way. I'm sure others on here can feel similar to these feelings. I'm just wondering how my other friends on here are tackling these feelings.

I found evidence that I’m a pedophile. So sometimes I’m fantasizing about an adult male but the voice sounds younger but I dismissed it . Then I saw a post about subs , and how flustered they get and thought of a wide eyed curly haired dude but he looked very childlike , which was not my intention but I didn’t notice I had that thought until a lot later . Then I searched up the cast of my tv show and remembered my childhood crush who’s 14 in the show and then my mind was like oh yeah that hot guy and elginikse feelings of attraction and a picture of his face but kinda older looking popped up in my head had my mind went hot . Then I looked at him , like real pictures of him and he’s as attractive to me as a sandwich . Still , I can’t help but feel like it means something . Like In the mental picture all his features were sharper and more defined like a 16 year old instead of a child but idk if it’s just a mental image from another angle . You know how sometimes people look a bit older at some angles maybe it’s a legitimate picture from the tv show I’m so nervous that I’m attracted to a 14 year old ew!! Like there’s 3 seasons , he’s 16 in the last one but I wasn’t too into that show and only watched the first season I think I’m so nervous what if that mental image was a real picture of high and not a mental picture of him. ??

did anyone get over this ??????????

All my intrusive thoughts started last year in april. They have been off and on. Ever sinceI got a girlfriend two weeks ago I have been having thoughts not about HOCD but ROCD and I have thoughts like you don’t like her or your not excited to see hers but whenever I see her she makes me forget all thoughts and she makes me happy when I’m with her. And I don’t wanna leave her ever but these thoughts are just so real it makes me think. I love this girl a lot but I hate these thoughts and it’s ruining my relationship. Is it just the thoughts talking or do I actually not like her?

Someone with hocd there to talk

I had to leave my fiancee and 6 month old daughter because one day out of nowhere I had intrusive thought about hurting my child. Now I feel detached from her and afraid il hit her if I stay. This feels like my life is over...

So before hocd hit i was in females all the time and I didn't think guy were attractive at all ya heard, but I've been dealing with this ocd cycle for 7-8 months now and my thoughts are a little weird. So when I see an attractive guy I just kinda see him as good looking or i acknowledge to my myself that he's a good looking guy and I move on but all of a sudden my brain does like a 180 and my heart starts pounding and I get a little scared(only because I've been dealing with this for awhile)and I just ask myself do I want this guy or do I not then my mind starts putting myself in sexual situations were i have absolutely no desire in and I get a little bit disgusted. I get images of guys a lot and I just say to myself "why can't it just be women". I've even searched up hocd videos about how there is no other gay self and you know who you are at a young age and since I can remember I've only had crushes on girls and girls only. Before ocd in general I wanted a wife and kids and to this day I still somewhat fantaisie About it because it's what I desire and when I try to pair it with my unwanted thoughts I just don't feel the same. It's just so weird you know and all I'm asking is for exposers because this week has been very good because i felt like my old self again.

hi guys! today was actually one of the hardest days. i went out & had to walk out or walk around where i was and felt the urge to throw up. my thoughts aren’t there, nor have i encountered any visuals, it’s just really sickening and difficult to handle. i’m slowly finding ways to cope and make me feel better, but because it’s fresh i believe i just have to let it flow. i suffer from depression and anxiety as well which triggers my thoughts a little more. i get chest pain and feel as if my heart is full. i really pressure myself into not having thoughts and even if they come about i convert them into positive things. i do believe i can overcome this! remember you aren’t alone & your thoughts don’t define you! you are still you & you’re strong! continue to fight and push through! <3

Anyone also suffering from religious ocd?😣

Hi guys! Was wanting some tips on ERP. I am just getting started & trying to read articles about being codependent, happy engagement stories but my mind when I try to sit with “maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Life is uncertain.” Will come up with more rabbit hole thoughts of I’m crazy have every mental illness out there etc. does anyone have tips for experiencing all day anxiety/panic attacks & fear of doing an exposure wrong? I am scared I won’t get better bc I’m not doing it right.

feeling defeated once again, i noticed a small blemish on my leg. it looks like a mole, but it’s risen and reddish and now my health ocd is spiking and i think i have skin cancer. i hate this so much, now i am scared and i can’t stop thinking about it. i just wanna get it checked today, but i know that’s impossible and i need to calm down. i hate whenever my health ocd spikes, it feels like i am always saying goodbye and i am about to get the worst diagnosis possible... :(

POCD,+18 please, need of help I keep thinking abt when I was like 17 I used to go on amino to roleplay ships I like,and I'm freaked out now over it because even though I never did sexual rp before I still did rp that was in a romantic setting and I'm worried if anyone I ever roleplayed with was massively younger than me and I just didn't care or didn't put in effort to notice. I have a memory of doing a short roleplay with someone and feeling uncomfortable about it and i don't know if it was because I just felt shy or they were young and I was uncomfortable but doing it anyways. A long while back I went to the amino again and checked all my followers and tried to find who I roleplayed with going off of what I remembered their pfp being and the one I thought seemed most similiar was someone who was 20 and all the rest didn't list their age but im worried what if they unfollowed me and did say their age. It all makes me freaked out because there was this thing where a 20 something dude said it was OK he roleplayed nsfw w minors because he didn't want to seem rude by saying no when they suggested it and I don't want to be as bad as that guy is and i never did anything sexual but I'm still scared it's just as bad if it's roleplaying a romantic relationship and I had that memory of feeling uncomfortable but not wanting to seem rude by not interacting. I dont know if it's a false memory or not and idk if it is. I just know when I was spiraling and checking all my social media I deleted a chat w a ship rp w/o checking and I've been freaked since.

I had a crush on this boy he’s in grade 12. So I check his profile and I found a bunch of disturbing comments such as “can I be your sugar daddy /baby”, “I’d offer you an allowance of 200 dollars” and tweets like “can I be your sugar baby but no nudes”. And him flirting back . Is this child pornography? In Canada , if you’re counseling criminally sexual acts with minors or describing criminally sexual acts with minors for a sexual purpose it’s child porn? Omg did I commit a crime . I reported his account and the comments . So what happened was I found it at first and then left but then went back on his profile to see if I misunderstood it if I was just worrying over nothing . Then I found another one and panicked , then I found another one and felt something was wrong and left z then I went back on his profile and tried to report everything innapropriste I found . Now I’m obsessing over whether that’s child pornography and whether I did something illegal

I feel awful. I think I’m at a low point, but I’m not even sure what that means at this point. It feels like my life for the past 4 years has been a low point, if I’m being pessimistic. I just feel totally unsatisfied with my life and who I am. I’m 16, and ever since coming to college, despite academically succeeding, I’ve lost myself. My best friend, who I was incredibly close to (since we were 4), just decided to start being super close with a girl who we both fell out with massively last year, and to my disbelief, she’s basically left me and it’s not a big deal to her, seemingly. That sounds dramatic, but trust me, I couldn’t say it any other way without understating (shes done this so many times in the past). When we see each other in school, everything’s fine and we’re usually getting along as we would otherwise, but it’s just very different. We would FaceTime multiple times every day, (usually her ringing me) and that just stopped. Completely. And a lot of other things. She’s failing school, but she has a boyfriend and so many friends, but I don’t. I basically have one friend, and her. I hate it. All of my friends from high school (I’m from the UK, so high school is 11-16) went to a different 6th form, and it seems like everyone in this college has so many friends and I hate that I don’t, but I try and have compassion for myself in knowing that it’s mostly circumstantial, and all of those people came to this college with their friend groups, but it still makes me feel awful. It’s starting to turn into self-resentment and if I’m being honest, resentment for other people. In my own perceptions, which I’ll admit are likely incorrect a lot of the time, it feels like no one really likes me, and that I’m annoying, or not interesting enough. I have fears when I’m laying in bed at night that when I go to university, I won’t have any good friends. It terrifies me. I’ve been having so many migraines, and I’m in school every day, but recently, I’ve been having to take time off because of them. I don’t have a migraine which is just a head ache. Firstly, I cant see, and then I cant speak, and then I throw up, and then I get an immensely debilitating head ache that basically lasts all day. I worry that my teachers don’t believe me, but there’s nothing I can do. I just feel terrible. I hate myself. I don’t want to, but I do. I feel like most people in my circumstances would. I don’t know what to do. And of course, I’m here, so on top of all of this, I have OCD, so that makes things just the more better. I want therapy, but I can’t afford it. My mum tells me that I’m ‘happy’ and that I don’t need therapy. And, not in a Scientology kind of way, she doesn’t believe in mental illness. She had severe post partum depression and anxiety, for which she got treated therapeutically and it worked, but she says that she believes all mental illness is trauma, and she doesn’t think I have trauma, so she doesn’t think I need therapy. I’m not even exaggerating, that’s her philosophy.

Anyone here had rocd for a very long time close to a year with no breaks no waves but constant? I feel alone. Hurting... 😔 Just need to feel less alone and if you've overcame that or it got better. I haven't ever had clarity or a break.