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when you find a child “cute” and ur pocd tries to convince you you’re “attracted” I HATE THIS SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHHH

LONG STORY AHEAD: Hey everybody, I'm 20m. Turns out I have OCD, and my first battle with it was in 2018, when my father was diagnosed with atrial flutter. I was also sick with a stomach issue of some kind, and felt, "Huh, maybe I should look up symptoms and see." Big mistake. What followed after was months of terror, panic, and depression. I thought I had stomach cancer, colon cancer, brain cancer, etc. And to top it all off, I struggled with my dad's condition, wondering if a boy was gonna lose his biggest hero and best friend. I wondered if he did, would I see him again? Is there a God? Is there purpose? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? I started therapy and began to recover bit by bit and it turns out, my dad was alright and I reconnected my faith in God. In July of 2019, I had an intrusive thought about a child performing a sexual act on me which scared the shit out of me. It didn't become an obsession by this time however. A few weeks later, I watched Stranger Things and one of the younger characters wore shorts and their thighs were showing, and I looked at thought, "Am I a pedophile?" Again, I felt extreme terror and anxiety along with many, many disgusting thoughts and feelings. I felt like a monster. I wanted to end my life. I never wanted to hurt a child or have anything bad happen to them, because it's simply wrong and disgusting. The feelings of denial, false attraction, and sensations were fucking awful and I wanted it to end. Things got better but it was a thing I struggled with for a while until early 2021. Finally, I dealt with HOCD in February 2021. I was playing a game and recorded footage. The video game character grunted in pain and my brain immediately said "That's hot." and I was immediately like, ..."am I gay?" Same process. Intrusive thoughts, feelings, sensations, and images cropped up. I have no problem with homosexuality or anything, I am not a bigot but I just didn't want thoughts like this at all. Immediately after, TOCD began. It was a simple question. "Am I transgender?" after seeing a trans related post on Twitter. I freaked out but was able to put the thought to rest. It returned however, when seeing some of my coworkers talking to each other and feeling alone, my brain said "I bet if I was a girl, they would talk to me." and this freaked me out bad. I didn't want to be a girl, I didn't want to be trans, I wanted to be a man. Ever since then, it's been a very unfun ride. I have to reaffirm to myself and check that I I do in fact, enjoy being a male and don't want to transition or anything like that. But it feels real. It feels like a feminine/female force is inside me now. It is terrifying and enjoyable The thoughts get scary as fuck and it's hard as fuck. I hope someone else experiences this and can relate. Thank you for reading.

Ocd is telling me because I don’t like hook up culture this is proof that it’s not Ocd at all

So today I told ocd to eff off, that I was tired of the lies, doubt, feelings that it gives me. I put my foot down telling it I don't care about anything that has to do with my ocd theme I don't care what you throw at me. It's all irrelevant and it doesn't matter. I don't care how real it seems it only seems real because of the attention and feelings of fear that I give it. I broke the chains of this ball and chain and I am free. Battered and bruised,, but I am free. Don't give up pepole keep on fighting find something that matters to you to hold on too. To give you the strength to keep fighting. Mine was the very thing ocd attacked and that was my son. Fight pepole fight. Much love and encouragement from my behalf to all you warriors!!!!!

So I'll be getting my covid vaccine within the next few weeks. This is hard for me because I'm terrified of side effects of literally everything, and I know that when I get it I'll be so anxious and worried that something bad will happen. I'm still going to get it, because not getting it would not only be avoidance, but it's also just a risk I have to take, as many others have. Anyone else struggle with side effects of things who have gotten the vaccine? How did you handle it?

How do I get over real event/black out OCD? I got a memory of 1.5 years ago. I memory I hadn’t considered since my OCD began. I had recently gotten together with my boyfriend who I am still with. I went out drinking with some friends at their house by myself (stupid I know) I remember the night up until most of the end, when I was with my friend. We were alone briefly, outside. Then I blacked out and woke up in my bed and in my house and didn’t remember how I got home, but I knew my friend had something to do with it. I remember talking to my friend in the morning and he just thanked me for coming over and I thanked him for helping me get home and that was that. I felt guilty for blacking out but never considered that I did anything wrong in that period of time. But I have cheating OCD, so I was worried during the black out period if I did something with my friend to cheat on my bf? I got so paranoid and I didn’t have any memory of any kind of inappropriate behavior other than drinking. Especially because when I get really drunk I fall asleep and fully “black out” . Otherwise I have some flashes of memory here and there. I was also trying to replay the memory (I know it’s a compulsion) and I was starting to distort the memory so I called him. He had assured me I was just passing out from drinking too heavily and he ordered me an Uber home and that I probably fell asleep in the Uber which is why i fully blacked out on the ride home. And that the only time he and I were alone was when he was waiting for my Uber to get me. His story goes along with everything I remember too. Combine that with that I’ve never cheated, I am not attracted to my friend, and I always remember some sort of sexual contact I have with others even when drinking. There are flashes of memory here and there. And that there was no physical evidence left behind of anything. My body was fine the. Next memory, no stains no bruises. Nothing. None of that was present. I know that reaching out was a compulsion, but I had to because it was a real life event that had the potential to be immoral and I feel a duty to pay for any wrong doing I could have committed. I know uncertainty exists, and I will never get 100% certainty on anything. This is the closest I will get to evidence of me not being a cheater. But how can I move on from this? I don’t want to confess to anything I believe I haven’t done. It’s not in my memory, witness testimony, or in my character. I’m just not a cheater. I know that is a compulsion and i will not rope my bf into my obsessions. But that urge is strong. So the question is, how do I move on from this? I want to be able to say “I’m not a cheater, I’ve never cheated” without feeling like a fraud. I feel like a garbage person for not having the confidence in myself and for having to reach out and use the memory of my friend to help me out.

Anyone else with HOCD have the compulsion of looking at women’s chest areas in pictures/videos/etc? Like a form of mental / physical checking to see if you’re attracted / aroused? I do this a lot and as soon as it happens I immediately ruminate and worry and think “I’m not even doing this as a compulsion. I must just enjoy looking there.” 😭

I have harm ocd, mainly about myself. I’m really scared of trains, because of the thoughts I get surrounding trains and harm. I have to catch a train back to my hometown tomorrow for my sister’s engagement party, and I’m kinda really scared. I know I’ll be okay, but it’s just making my brain feel mushy. Just putting that out there.

To my peeps with suicidal ocd... How do you let the thoughts be?? I find myself saying I don't need to figure it out yet ruminating on it all the same moments later. How do I let it go, OR how do I stop letting it rule my life like it has for the past year? And also, is it helpful to have the same routine every time the thought pops in your head, like the same thoughts or something?? It's been hard, but I'm still here, and I don't plan on going anywhere, but I would like to feel better, calmer, happier and less worried, I guess. If anyone could share their own tips with me, that would be great.

tw: pocd rant my pocd started out with an intrusive thought last year and now it’s developed into me having the worst guilt i’ve ever had in my life, depression, anxiety, not being able to sleep good, feeling like i am a monster, latching on to every child and saying i have a “crush” on them when i don’t, gronial responses that make me more anxious and refusal to leave my house because i am so afraid of seeing children....F OCD!!!! I HATE UUUU!!!!!!!! I HATE POCD SO MUCH!!!!!! I WISH IT WOULD JUST GO AWAY!!!!! ITS SO RIDICULOUS! i would never hurt a child and it knows that and tries to make me feel insane and put horrible thoughts into my head and no matter how much i am like “please stop!” it just never does, like when will this end i am so sick and tired of dealing with this horrible disorder and watching all my friends and family around me be normal and they must feel so great about themselves and i am over here trying to suppress intrusive thoughts and trying to calm my anxiety around children because my pocd is screaming at me!!!! i hate this so muchhh!!! ok sorry rant over...

I am convinced that I’m the worst person on this planet. I envy those people with real event ocd about something they’ve only done once. The case with me is that it became a habit that I didn’t know was actually terrible at the time. I hate this, I don’t deserve anything good in this world. I should’ve known better

I hate the fact that I feel like I need to look good and need attention :/ my theme is fear of being a narcissist so it’s hard to differentiate what is real and what’s exaggerated from ocd. I know I have a lot of empathy and I’m pretty sure they usually don’t, I also don’t like being manipulative. But it stresses me out so much how anywhere I go my mind goes “maybe they think I’m attractive” and tries to impress people. I even used to go on dating apps and stuff when I felt bad just to get compliments or wherever and then log off. I hate it so much ): It’s also so hard to differentiate becoming confident or having a superiority complex, I’ve always been so anxious and insecure that it feels weird to feel good about myself. I just wanna stop thinking abt it and know it’s not real. My therapists before told me that I’m not one but now that I found new information about narcissism I’m worried that they just don’t know enough about it Anyway there’s my vent thx (-:

guys this is so scary bc like I have all the ocd symptoms but my brain keeps telling me that I'm a p*do in denial and idk what I am anymore I'm just scared :(

Breathing OCD Hello I'm getting better at allowing the awareness but been concerned if I workout or do something strenuous that I will have a hard time letting go. Any advice.

I’m going to get re-tested for schizophrenia. I haven’t been outside in over a year. I hear dinging noises sometimes. Abs today I had earwax in my ear abs couldn’t hear clearly and I said to myself that irs like little elves in my ear. like who thinks like that? Then I said it’s stupid. Then the thoufht kept popping up and it’s like I was trying to convince myself it was real. Mind you I was straight out of finals and a long day or intrusive thoughts but I think I’m going batshit crazy.

Just did erp and had to stop after 30 mins (suds at a 5). I just can’t bring my anxiety down any lower and I feel like I can’t continue anymore. I’m so so sooo done with this, I’m putting in the work and spending so much money and I’m still in this position :( Maybe I should try meds

Anny memes on here?

I have hocd as far as I know and I have been close to coming out so I can stop the torment and the torture in my mind. In my dreams I hear people having gay dreams but mine are mainly with women and its like my mind is telling that I'm gay but my dreams are with beautiful women? Could anyone shed some light on this please ? 🙏

few weeks ago i developed this fear going crazy and i was having hypogogc hallucinations then i talked to a doctor and she explained me and i was doing so good but again now im anxious for some reason and i feel like im hearing voices. maybe they’re outside sounds but i get scared and keep overthinking if i actually heard it or nope. does anyone have a smillar experience and can u tell me how did u cope with it bc im so anxious rn :(

That's so interesting that when I got my sexual orientation ocd diagnosed I realized that I'd had ocd all my life but it'd been taking different forms all those years. It hit me when i read about existential ocd. My existential ocd started when i was 16 and it's been with me ever since. I'm 23 now. I never suspected that it could be ocd. I've had negative intrusive thoughts about the meaning of life, consciousness, I've also had labor crisis caused by existential crisis (I can't work because I'm scared to waste all my life working the job i hate that doesn't have any significant purpose, and also the idea to work to get money to buy food in order to work repels me immeasurably) and also inability to function in the society because of all these things. The compulsion I'm used to is saying "I wanna die". I say it so often that my friends and family associate the phrase with me. Sad. I wake up with these words on my mind, they don't actually even mean anything to me. They help me to deal with this life and go on. Because of this ocd I would learn for months 24/7 about psychology, philosophy, physics, quantum physics, religion and many more things to the point that i couldn't find any new information about interesting me topics. Then I got ocd over the fear of throwing up. I was so afraid of getting food poisoned that i would starve, clean everything around, wash my food with soup (lol), sanitize hands and cutlery many times a day, i would avoid places where i saw someone throwing up, or even wearing the clothes i had on the day I saw it. I would eat something and feel like i immediately got food poisoned. I had panic sever attacks all the time many times per day for a year. I don't know how i survived that, the feelings tho that I experienced back then are really similar to those i experience now with sexual orientation ocd. It ended thanks to i don't know who. I'm still super picky about my food tho, but not that much anymore. Because of that i learned a lot about human biology, psyche, and medications. Now when my friends or family members get prescribed some medications I most likely know what those medications are and can tell a lot about them. Then I had an obsession about learning English to speak like a native English speaker so it took me 3 months to learn it to the level that i got an English speaking partner without any problems. I was obsessed over small details I would feel extremely bad if I made a mistake. It came many times to panic attacks. Thanksfully it ended but I still watch tv series and read books and basically do everything in English. Habit. Gosh it's not the end. I'm so lazy to write so I'll make the next one short. I had an obsession with acne. I would burn my face with acids to get rid of acne, (it wasn't actually bad). My face basically looked horrible because of me, i would pick it and spend hours in front of the mirror. I didn't go outside at all and would learn a lot again about how to treat it. I know almost everything about skin related problems now and i know almost everything about skincare and skincare ingredients. My skin now is more than perfect because of a well established skincare routine and i advise my friends on how to take care of their skin and they are really satisfied with results. I got to college to study cosmetology because of that but I'll quit because of my existential crisis lol. The idea to be a cosmetologist kills me for some reason. It's not for me. So the idea behind it all is that it made my life. My OCD affected my life so drastically that it made me who I am now. It also made me learn things that I normally wouldn't on my own. It doesn't mean it's good or bad at all it's just funny. I want to be in control of my life. I wonder where the sexual orientation ocd will bring me to tho, I certainly know it will end too but i wonder what it will teache me. The only thing I know is that now I certainly need to take actions in order to gain control over my life and never let such things happen again.