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cw// long, vent, mentions of grooming last night i had one of the worst TOCD attacks i’ve had in a while and i think i ended up AGREEING with a thought. i am so terrified. basically when i was ruminating on something i said when i was probably around 12-13 (i think i had the thought of “if i were a man, i would be gay” despite the fact that i now identify as a cis wlw) and i just spiraled from there. i couldn’t stop thinking about that one event. i’ve actually come back to this one specific thought several times over my OCD journey and the more i come back to it, the more visceral my reaction is to it. after spiraling and freaking out over thinking about it for around 5 minutes, i think i agreed with the thought. i was like, “would a cis person have this thought?” and my brain went, “no, this means you’re in denial” and suddenly the thoughts just stopped. like my paranoia stopped for a second. i think i shocked myself so much with agreeing that my brain couldn’t think for a bit. and then i just had this awful paralyzing fear make its way through me and i felt like i couldn’t breathe. it felt like i was back in 2020 when my TOCD obsessions were at their worst. it felt like there was a hole in my chest and i started crying. i had to get up out of bed and go online and take a bunch of quizzes for reassurance that i actually had ocd, and that i didnt have gender dysphoria. i KNOW i have OCD, and i KNOW i’ve never experienced real gender dysphoria, despite being uncomfortable with my gender once or twice when i was VERY young and being influenced by people who (i think) possibly groomed me. i don’t remember. and i think not remembering people who may have groomed me is really messing with me now and how i’m perceiving myself. in 2019 i was the happiest i’d ever been, BECAUSE i felt so comfortable with myself. i felt so incredible presenting as a woman and using my pronouns, better than i’d ever felt before. it felt like i really found my place in the world since i had always been insecure. i just feel like all of that has been ripped away. and i feel like even typing out that i’d been uncomfortable with my gender one time when i was like, 12, MEANS that i’m trans. i just don’t know what to do anymore. one day in 2020 i just was struck with a thought of “what if you’re trans?” and it never left my mind. i remember the exact day i had it and the first thing i did (i now realize) was compulsively make a list of reasons of why i was/was not trans, and the compulsions just spiraled from there. even after i had seen and experienced all the evidence that i have OCD, i still feel like i’m lying to myself.

I have real event ocd and other themes that I’m kind of ashamed of to even talk about, but overall I kind of feel like sometimes I don’t really deserve help, anyone else? Sometimes I wonder if it’s not even ocd and all the thoughts are real and mean something about me. Which if that’s true than I’m definitely helpless. Sorry this is kind of negative

I dont know what to do now. I am starting to obsess about people and even government or police about discovering my web browser. I already knew that nothing is Impossible when It comes for technology. And the thing is, I really never searched about anything illegal, but I think that usually normal things that I searched are wrong, unethical or even illegal. Some years ago when I first developed my pocd, I ended up destroying a Hard Drive I had on my really older PC that I didnt even used for years anymore. I obsessed a lot about It. Told my mom, my father and sister and even a pastor about It. Its was like 2018 I guess and when I used to go out of my house I would panicking while being or even passing by a child. I had many intrusive thoughts that would say this or that and even images that tortured me for the past years and made me believe I was really a monster. I think most part of the reason why my pocd started was because a event that happened on my life, a mistakes I made when I was a child. Basically I have a older sister, that is like almost 10 years older and I was only 12 I think in the time when I disrespected her, as all my family used to sleep together because in the time we didnt had the financial condition of having other bedrooms. I dont think going in details os worth It, and even can make my ocd worse, because I am venting here, but also confessing. It happened I dont know, many times, but so long that this happened and eventually I got caught. And this was good because know I am a better person and better man, my family corrected me and showed me the right path to follow. I have repented and asked forgiviness and as time passed I regained the love and trust of my sister and now we do everything for eachother, protecting and helping. My mother passed away due to covid in dec last year (Will always be the best person God put in my life and my best friend) and tomorrow is ver birthday. She teached me how to live this live, about good and helped me be the person I am today. Some time later I got diagnosed with ocd by my psychiatrist and he prescribed me meds to help with the intrusive thoughts, one of them being sertraline. After a long time of treatment, the pocd intrusive thoughts lowered, giving place now to my real event ocd. One thing that helped me a lot was somewhat exposing myself to movies, news and things like that that could distress me with pocd and without noticing, I started to care less about the thoughts and "almost" doesnt bother me anymore. Now what tries to take my peace away is real event ocd. I am not going to be desperate about my pc and things like that, like before I did. And one of my concerns was because I had really bad time with watching porn. Ive been fighting the urge to see It, even more now. I really Just want to be in peace. I think I am going to diaappear from the nocd app for some time, mainly now that I really exposed my history here for real another time because I scared of my thoughts again and scared again that I am a horrible person. Sorry for everything. Hope everyone be ok and safe, yall have a nice day <3

I just want to say... ERP WORKS! I cannot compare the amazing feeling achieved from facing our fears compared to the temporary “relief” from doing our compulsions. I know it’s scary at first but it’s so worth it!

My boyfriend keeps commenting on my weight and suggesting I should go on a diet. I'm 5'5 and weight 135 pounds... I'm also an athlete. This is making me have serious body dismorphia and I'm obsessing on whether or not I'm fat and need to lose weight or he is just off the rails 🤔 It's so annoying.

is it just me or some days you're so convinced you're gay/bi and you're "accepting" it(the thoughts seem so real like you want them, but in reality you don't and they bother you) and others you're like super certain you're straight? or am i really gay? please help i am freaking out

can someone help me plz this boy at my schools mum just told me that he likes me. and she asked me if he asked me out would i say yes. and in that moment i said yes. and now i’m panicking. i feel like i’ve lied and i’ve never had a bf so i’m freaking out. i’m not as young as this all sounds haha. i’m 15 abs yes. i’ve never had a bf

Hey I really need someone to help me so please reply if you can. But basically I'm still getting LOADS of intrusive thoughts about this theme, but the thing is I have zero distress about it. The idea still bothers me and i still realise i don't want to be with a girl, but even imagining scenarios does not bother me at all anymore. Like i realise it is not that bad so i don't need to be disgusted by it but the fact that I'm not disgusted by it anymore makes me feel like i want it or something. I just want to be with a man.

Having some absolutely terrifying existential thoughts for the past 2 weeks that keep me awake every night in fear of literally everything. I am overthinking every single aspect of existence and my brain is telling me I NEED an answer to things that are unknown (why consciousness exists, why good is good and bad is bad, what happens after death, if there is something greater than us.) never had these thoughts before about 3 months ago and now they’re absolutely horrendous. Anyone have any experience with this or recovery stories? Any tips on how to deal would be greatly appreciated. My exposures seem to just be stressing me out a lot more with no relief thus far.

how do i know if i want a thought? i don’t want to want the thoughts. im scared. it feels like there’s somebody telling me that i want them. like every time i say “i don’t want the thoughts”, it feels like a voice is saying “no you do” and it feels so real. help pleasee!! it feels like im losing my mind!!!

I genuinley can’t do this no more, I just want someone to listen and understand- I have started reading stories about girls realising they were gay from a young age and stuff like that and I match some of the symptoms. I used want to talk to “the cool girls” in olde years or if I got any attention from them I’d be buzzing. However ever since I got ocd I realised maybe it’s cos I like them? however I never fantazized about anything sexual or romantic it was genuinley like me wanting them to be my big sister or something. I’m so confused rn idk what to do and now I feel like I’m in denial and it’s making me think all the boys I think I’ve liked I haven’t :-(

Can sexual orientation ocd make you gay? I used to freak out A LOT but now the thoughts don't bother me as much and that makes me think that I might actually be gay😥

Guys try these techinques if you can't afford therapy. • 5-4-3-2-1 method (means that when you have obsessive thoughts, feelings, urges you can use this grounding tool to smoothe yourself; you describe 5 thinks you see( colors, textures, etc), 4 things that you can hear(how loud it is, it is nice, bad etc), 3 things you can touch( the same, describe it )2 things that you can smell and 1 thing that you can taste • daily affirmations : you cand write 3 times a day and even when your thoughts are spiraling a few phrases that can help you get beside them( Oh, again this unreal and irrational thought/feelings/urges. These will pass. It is an another opportunity to get over them and to get in touch with myself(you can write wathever resonates with you, search on google a few) •label the thoughts and feelings and give them funny names • stop the rumination by recognising it, labeling it and distract yourself by keep doing what you were doing before • Really important one: DON'T ENGAGE WITH THE THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, URGES NO MATTER HOW TRUE THEY FEEL. We can't control what thoughts, feelings, urges pop up but we can control our attitute towards them and how we respond/ react to them. Plus, the only reason why they feel true is because of the adrenaline that anxiety lets out. But don't forget: after a while the body gets used to the anxiety, the exercices work or the body numbs out and you remain with the thoughts wothout the anxiety. You keep doing the work because they still are intrusive and you will be better in time. Keep in mind to don't try to get rid of them, you accept them for existing, accept them that they are not true or who you are and keep doing wathever you have to do( work, draw, idk) • breathing techniques you can find a lot of them on google • a CBT exercice: when you have a thoughts choose what it is from the table of cognitive distorsions and change the thoights with a more empowering one,a more real one for example: I really feel attracted to that person and I want to cheat -> That person is good looking, attraction it is normal, but i don't trully know them and how they are to the core of their heart. I chose my boyfriend because I love him, he loves me and i trully know him inside-out, because these are only intrusive thoughts and because it is not a smart reason to be with someone because of their looks or because their first or superficial impression that they left on you( you can never know a person't true intentions with you). There are two saying that i love: If you run after two rabbits you will loose both of them. If you are running after more you can end up loosing and what you alreadu have. Keep in mind that love is a choice, it is build in time, and to maintain a relationship based onky on feelings it is not realistic. • listen to differnt calming sounds while you work, walk, etc • don't forget to do at least one thing that you love every day, don't get stuck only on recovery because you will feel burned out, you need and to do things that you enjoy • delay compulsions, to the backwards or do the opposite of them • remember that having a feeling, a thought, an urge does not make it more likely to act on it • remember that you will find resistance within yourself while you are healing because the brain will look for what it is common to it. Label it and keep doing the work. The resistance can be something like don't wanting to do the exercices, excess anxiety when you are doing the right thing, etc If I remember something that maybe I have forgotten i will write it in the comment section guys

I have hocd and it has to do with the fact that I started watching transsexual porn. I am a straight male and this does not go with how I really feel. I am very much attracted to women. Has anyone here had problems watching certain types of porn that don't align with your sexual identity? I would watch straight porn to check myself to make sure I was still attracted to women. Or check them out in public and be like yeah of course I like women. Also, what's really killing me is I think my sister in law has see the porn I watch and I'm afraid she has told my fiancees whole family. She has used my computer before and I just think she stumbled across something. I can't get it out of my head, I belive that my fiancees family knows the porn I watched and is trying to drop hints that I am gay. Like I think they're leaving dick shaped things around the house on purpose when they come over. They literally wrote the word GAY and underlined it for me to see once in my house...I am now avoiding them when I can and I get anxious around them. I just wouldn't want my fiancee to find out in a way that would upset her. If she is going to know what I'm going through, I'd want to be the one to tell her and hope she understands. This is devastating. Sorry for the long post. Thanks guys.

Unrelated to OCD rant, but I need to get this off my chest (FYI, it’s not even that serious) So, me and two of my friends are planning on going to see Billie Eillish next year, as she’s going on a world tour. I’m only 17, and I work. My friend can’t afford her ticket at the moment, so I said that I’ll pay for her until she’s able to pay me back. I get paid tomorrow from work, and the tickets we’re planning on buying are gonna cost me £200, because an individual ticket is £100 &, as I said, I’m buying for my friend. But, I’m not even sure if my money will go into my account tomorrow, as my manager told me today that it will either be tomorrow, or Saturday, and that it’s about a 50/50 chance. The tickets go on sale at 10AM tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure all the good seats will sell out very, very fast - and if I don’t have the money tomorrow, it’s likely I won’t be able to buy on Saturday. For some reason, this is giving me so much anxiety, like I literally can’t relax because I’ve gotten myself so excited about getting the tickets, and the possibility that I just won’t be able to get them is almost devastating and I’m just completely uncertain, and I have OCD so I clearly have an issue with handling uncertainty... I literally can’t focus on my work because I’m worrying so much.

Does anyone have any advice for sharing their obsessions with their significant other? I struggle with relationship and sexuality OCD. My boyfriend knows I have OCD, but we have never discussed it in detail. I think he is trying to respect my boundaries and I am terrified he won’t understand my obsessions and/or will take them personally. As a result I feel like I am hiding this horrible secret, and it is causing me so much anxiety. I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t hurt him.

I think I’m better off dead. I can’t even find therapist who want to listen to me or help me. Nothing I say makes sense to them and nothing they say makes sense to me. I have nothing to live for. I have no interests at all or none I can accomplish. I just rather be dead than to keep living like this.

I know with other themes similar things can happen, but with SOOCD is it possible? If someone says a scenario that you've never been in and asks how would you react? (And its a scenario you logically don't want to be in usually) and as you think about it you could see yourself having a good time/enjoying the scenario (when in reality you probably wouldn't). Is this a thing SOOCD does or is this just overthinking? My example: Someone on this app said to another person they should go on a date with a girl to learn if they were bi or not. I am a straight woman. I have always had crushes on boys, thought of being with a boy, dreamt of having a husband, I even have a boyfriend of 8 years. When I thought of the scenario of dating a girl to see what it's like at first I sort of laughed to myself cos I was like that's never going to happen because that's not me. Then in less than a second doubt came in and I could picture myself sitting across the table from some girl and laughing with her, wanting to know her. Now in this picture I never wanted or got the feeling that I wanted to have any sexual relations, yes she was attractive, but I didn't want to do anything with her. So after this I realised the whole wanting to know her and maybe even a hug could come from the fact I have no friends at all, I only have my bf. The female friends I had were so b*tchy that I cut myself off from them and also I'm not into "normal" things like drinking and clubbing, I also don't have as much money like them to hang out. I'm more into nature and reading etc. Then I used to have a group of male friends, which also had my old crush, and we would hang out almost every day playing football, chilling in the park, cinema, bowling etc. But then they told my bf to dump me out of jealousy and started becoming more his friend than mine (they did apologise months later but damage was done and they become people I didn't recognise). Sorry, kind of went on a bit there. Is it possible the potential of me liking going on a "date" with a girl is ocd? Not having female friends and possibly missing having a friend? The fact I've never been on a date with a girl so it would be that giddy nervous thing of trying something so out-there cos it doesn't align with who you are? Or is it my absolute worst fear come true? I understand no one knows for certain. I just wanted to know if it was a part of SOOCD really. I've also seen some people that have deliberately triggered others with their comments and did it on purpose. I'm asking those doing it deliberately if you could not do it? I'm doing better and don't want to backtrack right now, and it's also torturous to others.

I am having really bad panic attack now. I think i dont love my gf but constantly i am trying to prove myself that i love her and that is why i developed OCD, its not other way round. I prove myself because she loves me alot and i will never get a girl who will love me this much. Please please please help !!!!

Something I just realised is that even if any of us turned ot being for example bi, doesn't mean we HAVE to act on it if we don't want to.