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the NOCD Community

Hello all! I hope you’re all doing well! I’ve been battling this thing for about 2 months… SOCD that is… I want to literally defeat and conquer this thing and go back to how life was prior, I swear at times it’s like the compulsions just suck so bad… like the compulsions in trying not to look at another man, and then again at times I hear people say “It’s okay if you look at another dude like that you’re still straight!” Like no I shouldn’t be looking at them like that at all… But at times I have to check down there and when I do it’s not like it’s moving from an erection but more so from uncomfortability… I tell myself and know damn well that I would never have sex with another man… just me saying it disgusts me to be honest… but sleeping next to, loving… NOPE, that’s just not me one bit, but then intrusive thoughts kick in and I’m taught to let the thoughts pass by and when I do then I start thinking to myself… wait if I’m okay with these thoughts does that make me gay? And using these words I promise you all it just feels like… not me… feels as if I’m a prisoner inside my own body asking to let this entity to be free from me… It all started at work (I worked at American Eagle and actually today was my last day due to me having to move into my apartment) when I was posting for an ambassador program and my manager(who happens to be a guy) slid up on my post w heart eyes and I replied with a comment that related to the store clothing because I assumed he was referring to that… but still I had to approach him about it because it made me entirely uncomfortable… and then I realized how many of the men that worked with carry themselves very flamboyant in terms of speech, walk, etc. The intrusive thoughts have gotten worst like whenever I lay down for bed it’s like what if I was laying here with another man? I don’t want this to be the case at all… never was into men and I don’t plan on being… But one thing that helps is looking in the mirror at times and seeing that I don’t carry myself like that all & at times whenever I’m in my head I just realize what I look like to others and it helps tell me that this is all in my head lol… All in all, this has caused me to push away a good friend of mine who happens to be gay because of the false perception that I thought he was coming onto me, feel like it clouds my perception in the sense of judgement, and it’s influenced me to invest more into taking women out on dates. At the end of the day I want to be with a WOMEN. Another thing to(swear last and final thing haha) is that at times I watch how friendly I am towards males and females, like how to act with males because I don’t want to act too flamboyant or give off the wrong vibe that I may be gay or something(because like I said this isn’t the case) or even with women it’s like I don’t want to be too friendly because I don’t want to be associated as being a women’s gay best friend because that’s not the case… you know prior I’ve been told that I’ve always been a very outgoing person and just a bright light of energy, people will feel welcomed to approach me but now it’s like I’m watching over my shoulder with this OCD. I want to respect and acknowledge people but do not want to be associated with being gay because at my core… I know damn well having sex with another male IS NOT an option AT ALL lmao. But curious to you, what do you believe to be the source to you all’s SOCD?

anyone one else suffer with feelings of numbness? i have been mostly anxiety-free today, but i think i would rather have the anxiety back than feel this numbing feeling. i feel little to no connection with the things around me, like my partner and hobbies that i usually enjoy. i’m also getting easily irritated today, which makes me feel worse; it’s like the only feeling i can get is annoyance. this happens to me every once in a while, and comes without warning. if you struggle with this, what do you do to get out of it? i usually just wait it out, but it sometimes can last for several days.

MORAL SCRUPULOSITY SUFFERERS NEEDED (if you want) Hi all, I’m doing an English speech for my English gcse and the topic I’m doing is moral scrupulosity. But for it i need to put how it affects people. So I was wondering, if anyone wants to, anyone with moral scrupulosity ocd feel free to respind with how moral scrupulosity ocd affects you and your daily life. Totally optional feel free to ignore if you want. 😊 thanks xx

Does anyone else have a hard time deciphering what is your own desires and wants and what is compulsions? Does anyone have tips for that? (Trigger warning, talk about hair plucking compulsions and a small mention of hair loss. If that's troubling for you to think about due to any hair loss related cercumstances just keep in mind it's mentioned in here. It's not too bad it's just my experience with it.) The best and biggest example I can think of is my picking issues. I have Trichotillomania, which is a common issue for people with OCD. So trichotillomania is compulsive hair plucking. It can be obsessive as well. I had issues for a long time where I felt like I looked like I had been going through chemo but not because I had no eyebrows, no eyelashes, a lot of hair missing on certain patches of my legs and patches of hair missing on my scalp that were small but lots of breakage in my hair where you can see I've plucked it and it's grown back and it's shorter now. So in regards to the original question, I have noticed that my issue with picking sessions isn't that I don't notice them, which I thought might be what the case was until I was doing well enough thanks to medication that I was able to stop myself after a few minutes of picking without any pain from slouching or "defeat" or interruption. It was just me making the active choice to self discipline and say stop. It's not doing any good at all. It's not worth it. And I noticed I still can't do that easily. It's only after a few minutes of picking. So I thought that mean that I wasn't noticing it happening. Which sorta, like there are times I don't notice quite that I'm picking but I know I've plucked a hair... Idk how to explain that. But I noticed that in most cases, I know I've started picking and I'm justifying it. I'm making reasons to follow, I'm saying it's a desire not a compulsion so as long as I can stop it's fine but even then sometimes I can't stop unless there are people in a room to look at me and notice me because if that's the case I'm too shy to do it. My enemy is the bathroom. If I goto the bathroom I could get stuck picking for 20 minutes before I can make an active decision to stop. Because no one can see me, others might think I'm showering, or just busy 🤣 but if I'm in the living room I wont do it more than just a little in a way that doesn't look odd or concerning. Because I know I'll be stopped. It's.. so hard. But I guess, does this happen with other compulsions to others? Are you ever in a spot where you have to be the difference between a compulsion happening or not and you can't decide if it's free will or an ocd compulsion so it's like... Hard to tell yourself that you should stop in a way you'll listen? Especially because compulsions sometimes make me a bit irrational and it's hard to remember my therapy in those moments. Especially if it's a panic attack causing it.

Feel like i want women and not men, this is horrible :( But then the actual action of doing something with a girl in real life gives me so much anxiety and im so scared id like it but dont wanna And then w/ a guy since i have no attraction to them rn, i dont wanna kiss them. So this just isnt making any sense :(

Gotten into a really bad habit of trying to see if I’d rather be with the guy or girl when I see couples. If the girl is more attractive than the guy it feels like I want to date her just because I think she’s better looking. This is so annoying

Yesterday was another ocd day. Even if I try hard these thoughts come again and again. I am afraid all the time that ocd will never leave me. I feel angry all the time as I feel like I am stupid and i cannot control these thoughts. Why is it so hard to get over these thoughts? Even when I don't have intrusive thoughts I feel numb and scared. It's like I live in a constant darkness and can't see the light anymore. I feel like I am the worst and most stupid person alive because i allow these thoughts to come in and destroy me. Is it gonna be like that forever????

If we break up will I feel relief? I can't live like this

I have struggled with addictive behaviors a well as anxiety depression and intrusive thoughts (possibly OCD) for decades. I've started getting a handle on my addiction b thanks to God and the 12 Steps. I assumed that my depression anxiety and intrusive thoughts would get better after I got sober. Instead I feel like things have gotten worse mentally... Especially with regard to intrusive thoughts. Can anyone relate to this?

Anyone else experience "psychosis" that felt like extreme ptsd or ocd? My experience wasn't like the typical psychosis. Sometimes I wonder if it was actually something else.

If I’m not anxious, does that mean I really wanna do it?

I'm scared; it's 4 o'clock in the morning I can't sleep because of my intrusive thoughts and somatic ocd. And of course because I'm not sleeping I'm experiencing dizziness and anxiety. I have no support; people around me don't understand. I don't know what to do anymore. It's a nightmare.

yesterday i publicly with my public instagram account (my pfp has my face) talked about like pocd and my pocd for the first time publicly. there’s a lot of stigma surrounding pocd so i don’t even ever want people to know about it since i’m scared they’ll think i’m a pedo or something since everyone think people with pocd are future pedos (they are NOTT) but anyways i kinda feel like taking it down cuz what if like someone from my distant family (my close family know already and understand pocd) sees it and just thinks i’m some pedo? like what if they don’t understand? what if they like say “never go near my kids grossy!!” should i delete it or not i want to end stigma but i’m anxious about this.

Can ocd lead to other mental illnesses? Because right now I feel there's alot more wrong with me than just ocd or anxiety. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I feel very weird and confused. I don't know I just don't feel like myself anymore. I don't even know how to explain it. I feel lost and hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore. It's just a weird feeling I can't really explain. I just want my life back. Can anyone relate?

please reply! has this ever happened to anyone before: you feel like you're getting better, far less thoughts and no anxiety, but it feels awful? like where's my anxiety? why am i not worrying? where is my so-called hocd? was it never hocd but just denial? why do i feel like i like the thoughts? and even this doesn't give me anxiety like it used to. y'all i am so scared it was never hocd and just denial. far less thoughts, far less rumination and less compulsions(i still mentally check girls to see if i like them and imagine scenarios to see if i like them but the anxiety is totally gone) i am so tormented by the idea that it was never hocd, at least anxiety made it feel like it and not whatever this is.

I feel like a horrible person. I was not a good person during the pandemic, did not follow the rules and lied a lot. I feel so so guilty about it now, I can't believe how immoral I was. and now I can't stop confessing. I confessed to some of the people I could've hurt, and they don't care/are telling me to stop feeling guilty. I keep thinking about more details I feel like I need to share, I probably seem really crazy to them because the rational part of me knows they don't care, like this was months ago at this point. I just can't stop, my entire days are consumed by this. My mom has even taken my phone so that I stop texting them because I probably seem insane. I just feel like I don't deserve friends or help or sympathy because of the immoral things I have done. I just want to be happy again, and enjoy life. I feel like I have learned a lot of lessons from this, but I still can't seem to move on.

Do you guys ever feel like you're doing well and you're intrusive thoughts starts to settle down and all of a sudden it comes back. I dont feel well mentally. In the beginning, I had a OCD flare up because of a nightmare I had a few days ago and now I just feel depressed. I'm a content creator and I'm just really afraid that no one will like my work. I feel like a nobody and I feel like I won't be successful because of my intrusive thoughts or the way I look like (i also suffer from body dysmorphia). I just feel like I shouldn't be on this earth.

Hi, is anybody available? I’m having really bad intrusive thoughts and horrible anxiety and I can’t sleep. I’ve been having multiple nights where I can’t sleep at all, it’s becoming constant. I can’t sit still, everytime I try to relax, I just keep having to move from the anxiety. Any advice?

I struggle so much with my past, particularly the way I behaved and the people I associated with towards the end of high school. I know that as a kid, and I was under 18 at the time, we all make poor decisions or do things that are wrong. I can’t stop ruminating though, and have a hard time letting go of the past. I know concretely, that who I was back then, is NOT at all who I am now and that I am in all honesty, disgusted by my past mistakes. Does anyone else deal with real event OCD and struggle with rumination? Especially feeling like they don’t deserve happiness or love because of their past?

How do you deal with contamination OCD that is centered around your own bodily fluids? It is weird but I worry about coming into contact with any of my own vaginal discharge or blood. I have specific rituals where I only change my underwear and pants in the bathroom and then wash my legs afterwards. I wash my hands like 10 times up to the elbows after using the toilet. I also disinfect after I use the toilet. I hate this and it makes no sense to me but I can't help but do it.