Welcome to
the NOCD Community

How exactly does ERP affect anxiety? For me when j get an intrusive thought over a real event I get anxiety, which leads me to ruminate. Even if I stop ruminating I still have anxiety.

I just had a epiphany moment and wanted to share it. I'm always trying to think why my OCD developed, whilst it feels like I've had it all my life, I didn't develop it until about 9years old although I wasn't diagnosed until I was 14 I know that the behaviour I was exhibiting at age 9 was in fact OCD behaviour, so with that being said does that mean I was a happy child with no difficulties before then, no it doesn't I've actually always felt different and out of place compared to other children and now to other adults, way before I developed OCD, I'm not saying that in a naive way of thinking everyones the same and I'm such a unique individual because I'd love if I was like other people, my life would be way easier but I'm not and the epiphany moment I had was maybe me developing OCD was my way of coping in this neurptypical world as I suspect I'm on the autistic spectrum, it's also interesting how alot of people that are on the spectrum have OCD aswell. I'm still awaiting my assessment which could take up to two years (I'm in the UK) but I will be very surprised if they don't diagnose me with Autism and it's not like I want to be, I just know it would explain alot and if I'm not autistic and then I really im just a weirdo with OCD 😅. Rant over.

A NOCD friend posted requests for how to start something and how not to get locked into perfectionism once started. This post is not an answer to those, at least not a magical thing that always works and doesn’t feel like pulling teeth. I’ve been thinking about using my planner/journal again. I’ve been planning it in my head. Now I’m “forcing” myself to actually write in it today. It doesn’t feel “right”. There is so much missing that “needs” to be addressed and filled. All of this makes me dread doing it. ** Writing this NOCD post might even be another stall tactic in disguise; however, posting about anything here always makes me feel more accountable. I know if I share it here I feel all of ya. Even when I don’t listen to myself/do it for myself, for everyone here, it’s more manageable. So I’m “forcing” that first journal post. I’m not turning it into an all night make-up post for the past 7 weeks I missed, though later, I may fill in what’s helpful and already accounted. ** I don’t feel “ready” for it. I don’t want to do it. But I’m going to. Maybe I should tell my OCD what I tell my dog when he sasses me. I remind him that I am more stubborn than he is. So I’ll now be more stubborn than my OCD. It may have taken days of sitting around thinking about it, but I’m doing it. No more just thinking. ** (Also doing this as an edit style rather than more “perfectly” inserting it—) I am also not waiting for September 1st! So now it’s also uneven! The reset button isn’t being pushed on another, predetermined beginning. But it’s still happening TONIGHT. May we all be more stubborn than our issues. 💪🏼💜

I'm worried ive abused my dogs. They sometimes sit on my lap and sometimes id get a groinal response. It makes me sick even thinking about hurting my dogs or abusing them. I also had to check my dogs private area since I thought I saw a flea and I feel so gross for doing that. I was just worried something was wrong since I saw a black bit on his skin. I also scratch my dogs backside a lot since he likes me doing it for some reason? I didn't think anything of it but now I'm really worried I had some hidden intentions or wanted to hurt them. I also had intrusive thoughts about animals and got a groinal response I'm really worried what that means it was really disturbing and I dont know why my brain even came up with that.

Any time I feel NORMAL or like myself intrustive thoughts just come & shut that shit down. So disheartening , f*ck OCD honestly

I just had an intrusive thought about touching my dogs private area. For some reason I though doing it would make the anxiety go away. I poked it and now I feel like I raped her or something I feel so awful.

I feel so terrible and confused with this thing I’m thinking abt it and it feels like I want it or I have a curiosity abt it now but I keep on fighting with it and I feels like I’m in denial :(( I wish I could talk abt this to someone in private bc It’s starting to feel like i could be a pedo

I just feel depressed and anxious that Im gay now, Its so difficult to get out of bed in the morning, every cell in my body just feels tired and exhausted. As soon as I wake up I have a very negative anxiety feeling. Dont know If I am or not but it certainly feels like it, imagining about dudes feels more "natural" Idk why but ugh. God is this what Lgbt kids go through? Is this why they are all so depressed? I thought I liked Girls all my life? Was that not real? Or do I just like same sex more than opposite?

Really worrying about comphet…whenever lesbians talk about that “icky, panicky feeling” they get when men reciprocate interest, I feel like I feel that way too or have felt that way in the past. Boys don’t usually like me back (never, actually) and I don’t usually like guys that pursue me first. I like it to be an equal five and take. What really worries me is that when I was 11, my best guy friend asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, because I was 11 and figured I should say yes, but the next day he texted me “good morning 😘” with a kissy face and I was so disgusted and panicked that I broke up with him that night. I was so uncomfortable and anxious during the literal day that I “dated” him. That is literally the definition of comphet. I would really appreciate if someone could talk to me.

I feel like I don’t have ocd anymore. I used to be anxious all the time and cry a lot and so many things would trigger me and it all felt irrational but my mind kept worrying but now i just feel nothing and don’t cry anymore and I feel like nothing triggers me anymore, so how could ERP work? Was I in denial this whole time?

Made a post about an hour ago with the gory details of what I’m so anxious about tonight, but just thought I would make another with a more general question. I’m really looking for some support and help so if anyone can chat, I would greatly appreciate it! How can we be okay with BIG what-ifs in our relationship or it’s past? Like a real event that occurred, where you chose to trust someone or chose to forgive or whatever, but every time you think about it (even years later), you get overwhelmed with anxiety all over again? You can’t go back in time to get the answer, or get more evidence. You’ve asked your partner and talked it over a dozen times with them since then. But the WHAT IF doesn’t go away. What if they really betrayed me? What if they really lied? What if what if what if? And you can never really know the truth. Sorry for double posting about the same thing. I’m just feeling stuck and don’t know what to do with these fears/feelings. I want to call him and ask again but I’ve done this so many times in 3 years. I’ve already asked the same questions over and over. So I’m posting here instead 😅

I want to love being a woman again … it feels like it’ll never come back . It feels like being a man is what I really want and I hate it so much. Why does god hate me

I’m tagging this as a trigger warning because I’m sure it is, but some parts of me can’t believe there’s an app full of people going through what I’m going , & I’m mad at myself I didn’t find an outlet like this before. It might be long, it might be triggering, it might not be triggering at all, I don’t even know anymore. I cannot understand my actions or thoughts. I feel the horrible urge to explain myself here. because I honestly feel no one in my life understands a THING I’m going through. So like, I’m an only child. My moms an only child. Grew up in a very broken, toxic, but wholesome home??? Does that make sense? My grandparents pretty much took over control of me as a child and my mom was just kinda - there. They completely spoiled me, like really bad. They over compensated for my parents. During this time in my childhood, I had no one to play with, I had American Girl dolls.. & I constantly had a hard time making friends & keeping friends because I was very ADHD & kids noticed it. I was in Remedial Math, & was marked a weird kid from the start. It went undiagnosed because everyone just thought I was an overly spoiled, brat child. Come to find out - with Genetic Mapping & a very intelligent Dr. in my city, we were able to get a sense of where these actions, feelings, & problems I was having were coming from. He diagnosed me with OCD & ADHD & BPD. This when I was 17. It was January of 2017 so I had just turned 17. & it hurts me bad that no one really cared to find out what was wrong with me until I dropped out of school already, had already abused substances, had already been raped, & pretty much everything else you can of that’s bad. They totally just thought I was a brat child, & horrible person. Or I feel that way anyways. August 10th of 2017 I found out I was pregnant & by August 30th the pregnancy had been terminated. I know I was only 17, but I really wanted to have the baby. & not because I was in love with the child’s father — because he advised me to get the abortion as well. But because it doesn’t feel ethical to me to abuse the beauty of life like that. It really goes against my morals. I wanted the baby & I was going to love the baby. From the moment I found out I was pregnant at Planned Parenthood - I was scared but what 17 y/o girl isn’t? One day of thinking on it & I knew what I wanted to do, but I was manipulated & forced into doing what my grandmother wanted. She basically told me she would never speak to me again, would cut off all financial aid to me & my mother & berated me over me wanting to keep my child.... so I did what I felt was best for me & I terminated the pregnancy... I had 20 whole days to decide what I wanted to do, & I don’t think there’s enough time in the world to make a decision like that... definitely not 20 days. I cry everyday for my unborn baby. I have a lot of trauma. A lot of trauma. I’m being triggered by anything & everything at this point. My mother being a huge trigger — but we’re being played against each other I feel like by my grandparents who — 1 - are never neutral in our arguments - play both sides - call her crazy to me & then tell her I’m the crazy one 2 - hold money & a home over our heads 3 - are very negative, racist & see only things they’re way. I love my grandparents so much. They are old now, 73-74 years old. & I try not to bring them into anything as much as I can, but during my childhood, they raised me. It’s hard not to vent to your parents... & I really do look at them that way. But coming to be an adult is hard to realize your “parents” brainwashed you, turned you against your bio parents is really hard to see. I feel like I have no respect for my mom as a parents or mother. I don’t want to feel this way at all. My dad I have some respect for but I think it’s only because he didn’t get to be there. I really feel like my grandparents have tried to cancel out my parents all together — because I guess they didn’t see them to be fit? My mom has never had a stable job, & is very emotional 24/7 while my dad is an alcoholic & easily triggered by stress. But they never ever had a say so on anything. For instance - My mother was my LEGAL GUARDIAN & my grandmother was first on contact papers at school, & the hospital. My dad & I are just forming a relationship again. This has only been going on for 2 years maybe. He was counted out from the time when I was 10 until I was 19. Today my dad told me “I’m the problem. Stay away or act right” & I don’t know how to feel. I try to act right!! I want so bad & nothing more to just act right & normal!!!! I can accept that I’m the problem but I feel like everyone is super toxic & triggering to my feelings & emotions. I feel like they don’t even try to see where I’m coming from & what I’m feeling. I have started to over react to little things because I feel like I am at a boiling point or something. Like it’s all built up for so long that I cannot control my emotions when I am triggered. Sometimes it’s pathetic. Sometimes it’s violent. Sometimes it’s suicidal even though I LOVE LIVING. Sometimes it’s completely sexual & the only thing I feel like will make me feel better is being validated by sexual intimacy. Ever heard that XXXTentacion song - “YuNg BrATz” — that’s my head when I’m triggered — not the lyrics in general but that song is the only way I can explain the way my thoughts feel when I am completely - & excuse my language - MIND FUCKED. & honestly my mind has been in that state for the past 3-4 months or so & I’m not sure what to do. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have a good recommendation on an outlet that could help me? I’m medicated for ADHD but I think it’s triggering my OCD worse! I feel a bit hopeless but I’m trying to remain positive! Please don’t reassure me, but i ask that you please use kind words if you can, to reply to me if you feel you would like too! Tough love is fine too! I’m not going to be offended. As long as we can keep it constructive, I’m game to listen & take everything here I read into consideration. I’m not here looking for a feeling of hope, or satisfaction. I really just want to see that other people know what I’m feeling. It would be great to find some people who understand! (I’m a bit scared to post this.) TIA 😁

My boyfriend and I were talking about different parts of the hospital that nurses work in and he threw out “yeah like the “infant toddler floor” - literally the one floor where his ex worked and my ROCD and retroactive jealousy is so triggered . there are so many departments in the hospital and you have to go with that one? I’m disgusted and mad that he’d make that connection. I’m disgusted and mad that he remembers. I guess the question is why does he think about her subconsciously, like even to relate something like that. I’m on the hamster wheel right now. Talking to him didn’t really help but he’s in the other room journaling thru his side of it to work on himself and I’m in here focusing on how I handled that wrong too. I don’t know how else to have responded to that trigger. I think I should’ve “done nothing.” It would have sucked ass, I would’ve had racing thoughts all day & night if I didn’t say something to him about saying that.. But I took it to the extreme, what does it mean that he thinks about her/ references her? My OCD has me very confused and I felt very angry at him. I feel like I need all this reassurance now that he doesn’t still think about her. Yet that’s like, the opposite of what we need I guess. UGHHH I feel mad at him

i feel like every couple of days it’s a new obsession to worry about. it’ll be thoughts about how i feel like my boyfriend is holding me back from life (not true, i saw it in a movie and i thought oh no is that us?) and that i need to leave, or that he doesn’t love me enough so i need to leave (not true, i’ll compare us to other couples and forget all the good things he does), or that he does too much for me but i don’t love him enough in return (i do love him ): ), or that he’s going to leave me for being too mentally ill (even though he’s always supportive of me and always helps me feel better), or my brain will find evidence and pick his personality flaws try to prove he’s a bad person (he’s really not a bad person). it’s like every time i try to prove to myself that the thoughts aren’t true my brain tries to come up with more theories to leave him. this makes it feel so real. but he hasn’t changed negatively in the 2 years we’ve been dating. he’s only grown. why does this happen and feel so real then?? why does my brain make theories? i want to be with him. he’s who i see myself having a future with. why do i feel so disconnected :(

I hate waking up and first thing I feel is it being real already 😭 like what if I really am attracted to children but literally before I was so disgusted by it and would cry and now it feels like I it or like it’s okay but it’s not like I just don’t like the feeling that I possibly could and this feeling makes no sense but ugh it’s always “what if I really am though” hate it.

So a new rocd thought is “wouldn’t you rather be enjoying your 20s” and so now I’m all hot and nervous feeling and I feel like that means it’s true. I am so stuck in this cycle and I’m convinced I’m just in denial.

I used to be Christian but then over time I stopped believing in God and lost my faith and now I’m scared that he’s cursing me forever for not beliveing in him☹️ and I’m trying to pray now but I think it’s too late

Right now I actually believe I am into girls. I have this weird feeling towards the cool girls in my class and I can’t even say a word to them without panicking. But I can talk to the guys without anxiety. So I must be lesbian, I have just never tried or experienced it with a girl before but I think I actually don’t have ocd. Whenever a guy has slept over at my house I have never wanted to do anything sexual with him. And I only have platonic feelings towards guys and crushes. I am really a lesbian. Life sucks. I want to die

I’m having serious real event OCD over a situation I put myself in last weekend where I played with fire. I am happily engaged to the love of my life, but I flirted, said really inappropriate things to this guy I was speaking to, he tried to kiss me and I backed away. I liked the attention and I feel awful, I have ‘confessed’ to my partner and he’s so supportive, but I feel like I need to confess more details that I didn’t explain the first time. I don’t know what to do. Please can someone reply, I have 15 years experience with OCD but this episode is really hard because it’s a ‘real’ event.